Got to get this out

i love this site but i have to mention something and this , of course , can be all projection ... i was going to say 'some people' on this site seem to be doing this but i'll just refer to what i do but i tell you i sense people do this on this site: i am not a vicitm any more than my HPD is a victim of her childhood and / or genes (i sense people on this site are still resentful for good reason holding a grudge against an HPD but they are over board in 'anti-HPD'ism...it takes 2 to tango...the HPD is sick , weak in areas and a manipulator etc., viscous and dangerously so...i ALLOW and DRAW the HPD to me because of my craving for her...there are guys, many guys who wouldn't fall for her crap knowing the 'never make a beautiful woman your wife' song has truth to it...i ALLOW her, through my lack of insight and own misbegotten cravings' to 'get to me' because of my innocence...the HPD is criminally innocent and that's my HPD's great hook...if an HPD is a true HPD she is 'guiless', 'naive', 'doesn't have a clue until she has a glue which may take years...the mess i got into with her is no more her fault than it is my fault...i created my pain by being stupid enough to get into it with me...i create what happens with me not externals...the HPD isn't stupid but she's almost totally suggestible and manipulated herself by others and what they are and say...i lack discipline as she does only i 'know better' and she doesn't...an HPD does not know what she's doing until she's made aware and she can barely take any action to remedy her condition unless she works at it for years...if an HPD isn't guiless she isn't an HPD and i don't think anyone is 'just HPD...my HPD, and i think some people on this site miss the boat on this, takes advantage of my ignorance and goodwill but my HPD is making me aware of my own lack of experience...i am glad for my experience with her for plugging up the whole in my damn dumb portion of myself...she gave me exactly what i needed to become wiser and stronger as to her ways...she made me a better man and i fault her for it doesn't compute with reality because i 'made her do it' so to speak...i have no reason to blame her other than from my own pride and lack of caring for her...if i fault her i'm faulting a sick person...if i tell you you're an ass for having cancer or giving me cancer then i'm doing the same thing as faulting an HPD for having a chronic, real, lifetime disorder which could lead to a physical disorder...like me i feel people on this site have resentments blaming the HPD for their allowing themselves to get hurt by them when i MADE them hurt me by being a doofus...she did me a favor, i'm grateful to her...now, if i get back into it with her i'm way more a jerk than her...i get that some on her just hold a grudge and whine about projecting their own NPD junk on them...she did this to me, she did that to me, she's a bad girl, i'm a victim...that's bull as far as i'm concerned and i don't feel sorry for anyone on here...i set her up to perpetuate her disease taking advantage of it until i didn't get what i wanted and then i whined about it and needed to go through that stage for my recovery ...i'm not speaking to all on here but some...i value what's said on here but see i got to be careful about this 'poor' me stuff...sure i was hurt but, John, get over it...i'm as sick as her for getting into it...i tell myself i'm the healthy one and she's the sick one...so, i get in a relationship with a sick chic that can't / won't help herself...she's helped me immensely by saving my butt from the next one, making me aware i better watch getting back with her or getting into another relationship with an HPD which i'm likely to do because, do to my own perpetuated ignorance, i may do...i ought to know better , apparently , because i know what a healthy relationship is and she doesn't...some opinions i embrace most completely...others i need to take as having a grain of truth...got that out...go for it , jump on me...this is my experience and my view... her naughtiness enabled me to become more aware and less naughty myself and to hone my introspection skills...i give a great big, sincere THANK YOU to my HPD...in fact i knew what she was doing the moment i saw her in action...i just didn't know how severe it was...i think i was married to an HPD for 12 years...and i know, for me, damn well i was worse than she was because i didn't care enough to look into what was going on...as long as i got what i wanted i stayed in the deal...when i didn't get what i wanted i yelped and went nuts...she went on her not so merry way...it takes 2 to tango...she's sick sick sick...am i going to fault a cancer patient...yes, a cancer patient is physically ill and the HPD is mentally ill...but etc.

jcjs33 wrote:i love this site but i have to mention something and this , of course , can be all projection ... i was going to say 'some people' on this site seem to be doing this but i'll just refer to what i do but i tell you i sense people do this on this site: i am not a vicitm any more than my HPD is a victim of her childhood and / or genes (i sense people on this site are still resentful for good reason holding a grudge against an HPD but they are over board in 'anti-HPD'ism...it takes 2 to tango...

Sorry jcjs but that is pretty much as far as I got with your post, which is almost unreadable.

the idea of victim responsibility has been pretty thoroughly covered, most recently in this post:
histrionic-personality/topic44856.html

and a "classic":
histrionic-personality/topic37215.html

The HPD is a predator, employs manipulative and abusive tactics to get what they want/need out of their partner, and in that sense certainly the partner is a victim. Most victims tend to have an overwhelming sense of responsibility, rather than the opposite. It's partly how we were sucked in to begin with.

i agree and say no different...sorry my post is unreadable kinda like me...i wrote it primarily to express what i feel...and what you said about how the HPD operates is true...but , the victim nailed by the HPD is not a victim if they let i happen more than once...and if you are victimized by an HPD then it's you're doing in conjunction with her whether you were 'taken advantage of or not'...if you didn't get in a relationship with her then you wouldn't whine about being a victim and get into your victim crutch but do something about it...you 'MADE' her victimize you...give me a break...let's say you are an unaware deer walking around in the forest during hunting season and there's a hunter with a big gun to 'victimize' the unaware deer, poor poor deer get wounded by an unclean shot...the DEER (you) gets wounded because the deer didn't pay attention because the deer didn't have the experience of hunting season or the deer's parents didn't teach the deer to be aware of hunters out to kill them (HPD)...the difference is the hunter (HPD) is just being who they are and they do not know what they are doing just like the ignorant deer doesn't know what it's doing...if the HPD knew what they were doing and how it was killing them then they would not do it he's killing the deer...you only give one side of the picture and an example of someone with a grudge...and if you can't read this take a course in English because i know publishers who understand my writing which i've been doing for 33 years and have asked me to publish...you could use some education...it's unreadable because you don't know how to read my stuff not because it is unreadable or you don't take the effort...cut someone else up...you sound like an HPD or NPD yourself...you don't understand what i'm saying and refuse to study it...and HPD, is the unaware hunter out to kill the unaware deer who calls themselves a victim...they are a victim of their own ignorance...HPD's are guiless or they aren't an HPD...that's what i'm saying...HPD victims , so what"...get over it

I agree with you, jcjs, as far as I understand your posts. I can't think of a single case of a relationship with an HPD where the non-HPD partner had healthy boundaries and reinforced them from the outset. Indeed, I wouldn't think that a person with strong, healthy boundaries would ever stick around long enough to find out that a partner had HPD, because at the first major betrayal they would break off the relationship and perma-ban the HPD from their life.

It's only those of us who had no idea how to form and hold boundaries and who were trusting enough to believe our partner's lies, at least at first, who would ever stick around long enough to see the pervasive pattern. I know that if I was in a fresh relationship now and I had the clear evidence of online flirting that I had when we were three months into my current relationship, let alone our first major fan-club-guy problems six months in, then I would show her the door. It's only because I let those incidents slide that I've now seen two full cycles of her behaviour.

And all that crap we went through, all the pain and anxiety and confusion, was my fault. I let her keep doing it. At the first sign that she was starting an emotional affair I should have given her an hour to choose what side of the door she wanted to be on, and then slammed that door shut for good. I didn't, and I take responsibility for that, and I've learned from it. Maybe now I'm in a better place than I would have been if I'd done that, I don't know... but I wouldn't have gone through two and a half more years of her $#%^.