Shaking co-dependency

My relationship with an HPD started in 2002 and like everyone else on here I thought I'd found the woman of my dreams. Beautiful, super-intelligent, gregarious, charming, constantly dressed fit for a ball, self-employed too in financial services, and posessed similar values and beliefs as I did. Within six months though, her stuff started oozing; an explicit demand for a marital committment, emotional breakdowns over otherwise normal challenges to life, other men who just wouldn't seem to leave her alone then the flirtations began. Bewilderment set in by the end of the first year and the struggles really started. She inflicted three cruel breakups via email three times over the next four years and predictably she was knocking on my front door within a week begging for forgiveness, even more predictably I'd take her back in spite of her having dated ten men in a week's time that "meant nothing to her". After the third breakup I demanded she seek counseling and she did with three therapists between 2003 and 2008 and it seemed to work wonders, she finally set her own boundaries and respected my own and she seemed to control the seductive behaviours and stopped the blameshifting. I can't remember how I found this site in 2007, but it confirmed my instincts and gave me the background to lay out in front of her all her issues. But in late 2008, it all came unraveled again, former destructive behaviours crept back in and the relationship was pure hell until the fall of 2009 when she left, once again by a message on my answering machine. Apparently, HPD's really don't/can't make permanent changes, because all the previous "positive talk" seemed to vanish. She again was seducing other men, even in my presence, corresponding via-email with men "who were just good friends", all her stuff that I thought was resolved came back in full force. Hindsight tell's me that she only got smarter with discretion.

Three weeks ago, here's where my life turned: In the fit's of despair through the Holiday's, I searched deep in my soul on WHY I kept putting myself back there knowing full well she would break my heart again and after weeks of agonizing it finally dawned on me that I had major CO-DEPENDENCY ISSUES, I never even recognized it; and it was that 1) I thought I could never love another woman as much as I loved her, and 2) I thought I could "fix" her problems, and now I recognize both are totally unrealistic. For those of you struggling to move on, even years later, I can't tell you the sheer relief it is to recognize how co-dependency can wreck your life, and how much easier healing is when you learn to resolve it.

Finally getting around to the purpose of this post, I came across the most phenomenal article on recognizing and resolving co-dependency issues by Patty Simko on PLANETPSYCH.COM. Here's a paragraph that's done wonders to open my mind and start the healing process:

"Recovery from co-dependency is based on increased self-esteem...a self-esteem which can be gained by increased self-knowledge, your strong points and your weak points, and a full acceptance of yourself. There is a basic self-love, which you carefully nurture and expand. You get in touch with your feelings and attitudes about every aspect of your personality, including your sexuality. You begin to not only accept, but to actually cherish every aspect of yourself: your personality, your appearance, your beliefs and values, your body, your interests and accomplishments. You begin to validate yourself, rather than searching for a relationship to give you a sense of self-worth. As you do this, you can enjoy being with others, especially lovers, who are fine just as they are. You will not need to be needed in order to feel worthy.

You also work on accepting others as they are, without trying to change them to meet your needs. You know that you are safe because your standards are higher; you become open and trusting, but only with APPROPRIATE people. You no longer expose yourself to the exploitation of those who are not interested in your well-being. Your higher criteria and standards are reflected in your approach to relationships. Now, instead of hanging on to your relationship for dear life, you ask, "Is this relationship good for me? Does it allow me to grow into all I am capable of being?" When the answer is no, when a relationship is destructive, you are able to let go of it without becoming terrified or unduly depressed. You will find a circle of supportive friends and healthy interests to see you through crises.

Your values change; now, rather than your partner, you value your peace of mind and serenity above all else. You lose interest in the struggles, drama and chaos of the past. You become protective of yourself, your health and your well-being. You come to realize that for a relationship to work, it must be between partners who share similar values, interests, and goals, and who each have the capacity for intimacy.

You come to know that you are worthy of the best that life has to offer, and you know that with help, perhaps, you can find a way to achieve that!"

This is miraculous stuff to me. Or, you can read the entire article here, http://www.planetpsych.com/zPsychology_ ... ndency.htm.

For those of you struggling with the aftermath of an HPD relationship, read the entire article. It's worked wonders for me!

I read it all. It seems great, but... my HPD would quote a lot of things in this article to justify her selfish behavior! I think we need to balance this kind of approach with the works of other relationship researchers, as Albert Bernstein and Steven Carter.

In his book Emotional Vampires, Bernstein says:
"Self-esteem now seems to be regarded as an end unto itself, the prime mover of the human mind, like motivation in the world of business. There is a logical flaw in this concept: Anything that explains everything also explains nothing. The worst problem, however, is that many aproaches to improving self-esteem are unwittingly teaching people to be more like Passive-Aggressive Histrionics."

And Steven Carter, answering to a poster on the site power-surge.com about why we hold on to this kind of relationships, hoping they will love us back, says:
"Everyone suffers. Everyone obsesses. Everyone beats himself/herself up. Everyone becomes desperate. It is the combination of comprehensive seduction and comprehensive rejection that deals the fatal blow. That’s why everyone going through this suffers."

I think these are very good points too. Actually, I think I never had codependency issues in my prior relationships. But, with my HPD, it was like all my self-esteem was gone through the window. After a couple of months of mixed messages and confusing behavior, I was a complete wreck! So, don't beat yourself too much. They are very good at what they do!

http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/

I haven't had a chance to pick the book up yet but just lurking on their forums has taught me a lot (including that, barring an unlikely naming coincidence, at least one poster here also posts there ). I'm definitely going to buy it first chance I get. I've been meaning to create a thread myself on co-dependency, 'nice guy' syndrome and the way both make us more susceptible to manipulation by disordered personalities. A good proportion of the men posting on their relationships and marriage forums are in relationships with BPD women and from the descriptions a few of their partners have histrionic traits.

The difference between here and there is that here, sorry to say, the focus is on how we are victims of the crazy behaviour and emotional damage inflicted on us by an unaware and unrestrained HPD. There, the focus is on improving yourself and learning to be a better man. Shaking off co-dependency and having a healthy relationship (or no relationship if your partner is unable to be a healthy partner) are simply consequences of self-improvement.

I strongly disagree that "many approaches to improving self-esteem are unwittingly teaching people to be more like Passive-Aggressive Histrionics", unless Bernstein knows a wildly different set of self-esteem-boosting techniques to me. I find my self-esteem to be boosted most by acting confidently and proactively and (as I'm slowly re-learning to do) being fair but assertive. Passive-aggressive behaviour is the antithesis of open, honest, assertiveness.

Good posts... i have recently found myself, in a new relationship, wondering if I'm doing enough nice things for my bf.... wow. as if I'm doing things for him to hang onto him. Talk about repeating unhealthy behavior patterns.

Well, and I have, actually, talked about it, with a counselor, and I'm aware of my tendencies. But being aware of them isn't enough to make them go away.

I'll check out that link, TK... I like the idea of moving on by working on my own issues. I know I'm not the most eloquent poster on here, but I do have a pretty firm grip on what HPD is and how my past relationship worked; it's starting to get a little old rehashing all that. Especially since it all seems so far in the distance.

caro

Jay that is an excellent article and thanks for bringing it to the forum. Acceptance of self (good, bad or indifferent) I think is key. Getting to know yourself, finding out what you really want and learning how to get it, and being able to set appropriate boundares as needed are elements that sometimes codependents lack. Moreover, the cluster B populations are predators by nature and as such look for the greatest sources of supply. In other words, they test for people they can control who will not put up much resistance, even in the face of red flags.

A cluster B will take the essence of your goodness and learn how to use it against you. This is how they best control their victims. Codependents are usually very kind and giving and will exhaust all efforts to make it work(were that 'nice' of peoples). A cluster B will manipulate that to their own benefit...all the while draining and exhausting you...only to be discarded

TatteredKnight wrote:http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/

I haven't had a chance to pick the book up yet but just lurking on their forums has taught me a lot (including that, barring an unlikely naming coincidence, at least one poster here also posts there ).

Yes I am a member of that site and it is pretty easy to spot me there. Dr. Glover has written a powerful book (no more mr nice guy) which helped to propel me out of my relationship with the HPD. The book and that site also helped me make other healthier changes in my life and design it in a way that now benefits me. Take a look at the site, but the best way is to read the book a couple of times and begin on those breaking free exercises.The program pushes you to become an active participant and the online support allows you to see other people in various stages dealing with similar challenges. The site has changed my life for the better and I have a feeling it will be of great benefit to many here.

One thing to keep in mind about how this relates to the HPD. No matter what you were abused by a predator and that was no fault of your own. The only thing we are guilty of is trusting that the HPD was a genuine person. Obviously she wasn't and that is ALL of hers/his to own. The good news is that you can break free from their lunacy and make changes that will improve your life. The HPD is not so fortunate and has to live the rest of their days with a permanent disorder