i'm getting hooked

i'm getting addicted to browsing this site when i didn't want to but i get these flashes from ruminations about her and i just wanted to share one that hit me and i think is true for 'my HPD'...and , for me to explain what i mean by this flash i pray is self evident because i'd have trouble explaining it...it's just too much for me but i keep getting these statements that come to mind after a walk...goes like this...just my HPD and see if you identify:
"when she wants to reject me she comes onto me...when she feels herself not wanting to reject me she does or says something to reject me"...she does the opposite of what she wants to do and to me, she seems in a 'different' mood or state which passes... when she wants to 'confront' she 'withdraws'...but, then she'll grab a broom and start cleaning house like crazy...i asked her son does she do this often while she's cleaning and smoking and sweeping...her son says 'all the time'...she'll hand me something while she cleans under something or order me to move furniture...and i like it because nobody ever bosses me around...and i believe she wants control because she may feel she's losing it...so, she takes control...and i don't let her know that i'm letting her control me because, with 2 nutcases, how can anyone know who is in control...and 'non nutcases' may be less in control or control is an illusion...i use all of them when handy...but , it's great me, her and her son can laugh about it...once i asked her son if her Mom has ever done anything she said she was going to do?...he said, "not with me"...her son, i'm almost sure, hates his Mom, blames her for having a restraining order against his Dad, wishes he were with his Dad who supplies his Mom with drugs...Perfect Storm...Christmas time makes it harder , Santa doesn't look as Happy , fragmentation confuses and seems to betray the spirit...but, laughter jumps in when clouds of jealousy, pride and fear dissipate over time with a new view creating a new attitude about the whole mess...a joke of the disease if you will...and it cycles back to ease and sooth with a visceral, contemplative spirit knowing all is ok and is progressing and we're 'right on time'...Happy Happy Merry Merry

Dude, why are you still with her? You believe she has HPD or some personality disorder, yet she is getting drugs from her ex and you're ok with this? It's not enough of an S.O.S. to make you get out? The entire family unit, including ex, sounds very dysfunctional.

What is it about YOU that makes you stay? Do you think you can fix her, drugs and all? You can't.

I have borderline. IMO it's not as bad as HPD or as hard to control, but it's still a day-to-day struggle for me and I never DID substance abuse. I can't imagine anybody gaining insight to herself or getting help with emotional dysregulation plus substance abuse. All I can tell you is that if you don't get out you're in for a long and unhappy ride, and you have accountability for staying. You've been warned

What if this woman gets pregnant and your child grows up with this lady? Is maybe exposed to drugs/alcohol in utero? That can cause organic brain damage in an unborn child. Plus you'll forever be intertwined with her and her son, even if you divorce.

Get therapy for yourself and don't try to fix her. You can't. But you can make good decisions about your own life.

Have a Merry Christmas and take care of YOU.

[b]you're right on..i love the word 'dysregulation' , never heard that before...pregnant: no , because i never 'got it on with her' but very physical...zillion hours of massage...i'm a massage therapist...why still trying with her...possibly to relieve my guilt for what i perceived to be taking advantage of her...since i've been recovering from addictions for years and have 'mastered' some stuff about that and since i was instrumental in her 'going back to one of her substances, alcohol, i want to be here for her in case she reaches out...'i am responsible to a person still suffering if they reach out'...and that doesn't say i'm responsible to the person only if i won't get hurt, only if they don't get hurt, only if the 'no contact order' against me is lifted, only if i can help her, even'...I'M RESPONSIBLE 'TO HER' NOT 'FOR HER' and i do know the difference...before with her i was into 'for her' not 'to her'...she 'detoxed' when with me 3 times and is using again as soon as i 'lost it' with her shoving her far away...seems her deviousness and manipulation and lack of introspection (and wanting to do something about herself) are less known to her whereas mine are more conscious and i think that's because i dip into NPD more than my HPD whereas she seems , across the board, HPD plus God only knows what else...all in all i can't do a great job of defending getting back into it...i'll tell ya i'm a curious cat who has had many lives...i don't know if i've run out or not and i'd like to just give it a chance for her and for myself...who is the most self centered i do not know...my interest in her is both spiritual and psychological and 'physical' body wise...i had polio leaving my left leg damaged and i don't know if this is why i'm a 'leg man' or not...this woman is a woman i'd like to look like if i were a woman...athletic, previous track star, champ bicyclist etc. ... so, one level is prurient...but, all of what's going on has to be upfront, dealt with, and looked at honestly each moment if i were to get back into it...i hear loud and clear if it doesn't 'work' if trying again then say GOODBYE and mean it completely...i haven't seen her for 6 months but once and i was in the relationship for a total of l00 days so i can't imagine what it must be like for you folks who 'do go all the way with the physical' and who have been in the relationship for a couple years...i'm amazed you can survive the darn deal...i'll tell you i'm grateful as all get out i didn't get 'my way' by going to bed with her...she said right off "i don not want to have sex with you because having sex destroys any possible chance at a relationship for me (she ain't lieing there and openly admits 'i hate men' and 'i'm THE PLAYER NOBODY PLAYS ME'...(well, obviously that's not so)...i see i'm not unique by loving the pain but, oh well, i'll keep you posted...i think a reason , too , i have this attitude is because i don't want her dieing 'on my watch' (pride and fear)....thanks/b]