So...it was all my fault.

Wow, just wow.

I think these ones need particular attention:

AnuthaSucka wrote:- Jealousy, brought on by feelings of ownership and desire to control another person, not by love.

According to my psych, 'healthy' jealousy (ie. not unfounded paranoid jealousy) is the ego's response when the exclusivity of an intimate relationship is perceived to be threatened, and is an important part of relationships. If she was behaving in a way that reassured you of the relationship's exclusivity, then assuming you don't have a pre-existing problem with inappropriate jealousy, you wouldn't have felt jealous in the first place.

- Fault and Blame. An abusive person rarely takes fault for problems

I see. Because they're your problems, not hers, and you're the abusive one. You're so lucky she cleared that up for you.

- Vanity. Most abusers are extremely self-centered. They will not acknowledge this though they often accuse others of not listening to them. Conversations with a vain person will often stay focused on them or be frequently redirected toward them.

Don't you know it's vain to talk about yourself when this conversation, like all others, is about her?

- Rushing the Relationship
[...] AND I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE!

And the devil quoth scripture.

It is one thing I am proud of - I survived an appalling childhood and grew into a decent man. Now I am being attacked on that basis.

And that, my friend, is precisely why she's attacking you on that basis. She knows that it's one of your private fears - that you will turn out like your father. And she's perfectly happy to press that button as hard as she can to make you jump. If you'd stayed together, I wouldn't be at all surprised 5 years down the track if she told you things like "it's violent and abusive to refuse me basic needs like another pair of shoes or a night out with the girls (we're having a race to see who gets to snog a stranger first)".

According to my psych, 'healthy' jealousy (ie. not unfounded paranoid jealousy) is the ego's response when the exclusivity of an intimate relationship is perceived to be threatened, and is an important part of relationships. If she was behaving in a way that reassured you of the relationship's exclusivity, then assuming you don't have a pre-existing problem with inappropriate jealousy, you wouldn't have felt jealous in the first place.

The breakup started as she was visiting her home country and I called her. She was out, despite having arranged a time to call. Her mom was evasive. When we spoke she was with a friend. Well an ex. Who when we first met used to call her proposing marriage, but was just a friend. Who she had a 'love triangle' with, who she said she could talk to about things that were none of my business, who she said I was jealous of because he was so handsome....etc. No re-assurance, but just an excuse for inciting jealousy. My own belief is that I was not jealous of him, just insulted that she NEVER saw my point of view. We once ran into an ex of mine in the street. I told her that evening that I had seen her. She went crazy 'I should have killed the b*tch'. And I don't like that ex, and never said I did. But jealousy (and cheating) was always a big feature of her thinking/conversation.

She knows that it's one of your private fears - that you will turn out like your father

She thought that was a fear - when really upset she would say I was like him. But I'm not - and I know it well enough. Just she did not see that, thought it would hurt me. It just seemed ridiculous. He was 'off the scale', and I am kind, if a little stubborn/patronising on occassions. But the latter to her was the same as being savagely beaten!

hey AS,

This email is a great example of two things:

(1) Why "no contact" is important. Congratulations on blocking her email. Every communication she has with you will be focused on manipulating you via guilt. My personal observation is that I am probably always going to be vulnerable to my ex's particular brand of manipulation - he knows me too well, and he's just too good at it. There is often a thread of truth in it too. In your case, I'm guessing that it may not be a thread of truth so much as a knowledge of your family history and the fear you have of turning out that way.

(2) Projection. (As has already been mentioned). I found that anything my ex accused me of, he had done himself. Great example was him accusing me of adultery - when he was the only man I'd ever been with, before or during marriage. I started looking at his accusations as a way of determining what he'd been up to - which was remarkably effective.

Also, the whole email sounds to me like she has been going to counseling but portraying herself, successfully, as the victim. Just the impression I got.

You know whether or not you've been violent with her. That is real - what she says is not real. I know it is sooo hard to maintain that distinction, but just keep reminding yourself.

caro