Advice wanted

Hi Anutha,

It is good you are more at peace about things. And about the nurse, good thing you found out before you even got past a few words exchanged. Now, I hope that you look for signs at first meetings with women and pick up on little things that others have talked about on here. Things that will help you.

And I hope no one takes offense to what I am about to say and if they do I am saying this with the greatest of respect, but if you meet a bar fly, fall in love with a bar fly, and marry a bar fly, guess where she will always want to be?? Not at home with the husband and the kids, and especially if she is an HPD bar fly. Just what I have heard and it has held true for all of the failed marriages in my area of the country.

Be careful and go to places that you would want to spend time with a good woman and maybe you will meet a good woman there. BE CAREFUL with online dating for sure. Hardly anyone tells the truth about themselves. I don't care even on Christian dating sites people falsify to make themselves look good. We have seen some crazy relationships and we'll ask, wow where did he meet her, and someone will say online and that explains it all.

AND to go a little further with Tech25's comment... I would not just stay three steps ahead of the HPD, but at least 100 yards away from them. Good luck... S

[b]good read...i agree with 'confront' or 'communicate' as kindly, honestly, insightfully, directly, brutally if one senses the need for it (with verbal articulations and good reasoning as much as i can muster and do fail in)...i know i'll hear it about the 'brute' part...but, i'm new at the particular dynamics of HPD / NPD jazz and want to get more fascinated, curious, and see some humor in my condition (Cluster B. PTSD, ADHD etc.) and that of others...to be fascinated by, curious about, interested in, play with but not 'buy into', with emotional gusto, any romantic or personal personal level that's headed for too heavy trouble...i'll see and maybe share future developments...i believe strongly, or weakly, wisely, or mistakenly, with mixed motives, pure motives or rancid motives that a relationship can be mended and helped , regardless of history , history need not predict the future...i don't know , YET , but will remain open for a healing and progressively more enlightened approach, and involvement, in further relationships...i think, in my case, if i hadn't tried to honestly help her investing a lot of study , mothering and such (i'm not a woman but have great mothering skills handed down from , probably , a grand personality disordered Mom who raised 11 children, is 88 and dancinig along with my 91 year old Pop) i wouldn't be going through this pain (by the by my pain is 85% less than a couple months ago and just gets better)...however, that message from her 'triggered' me...i'm surprized how easy it is to give and get 'triggers'...anyhow, wanted to say a support for Scarlett's confronting HPD...while i confront my disorders i'll be more attracted to, able to help and enjoy, accept and play and dance with those who have the same thing going on i do...i'm learning to play the game without hurting others or myself as much...i'm all for leaving communication open unless it's masochistic and sadistic (other than the 'normal' amount which occurs mainly, sometimes, in mind)...i will not abandon another person i've had a close relationship to and will remain available...i've thought it may come to a point where the relationship just 'peter's out' as i told her it probably would from the start...but, i've recently thought , even if i have to physically keep myself away from her, i just might let her know writing to one another is fine with me...of course, she wouldn't do it...took me 3 months to 'get' her to write...when she wrote she wrote me a letter which floored me...if i put the letter on this site you'd see someone who digs me and has had a lot of unconditional love from me...what conditions there were in the relationship, as there are conditions in any good relationship, were the things which helped and hurt us...the CONDITIONS need to go from unconscious to conscious...as i, and the other, become conscious of our motives, we can get along but this take grappling and stick-to-ativity and boundaried which can only be used if one is willing to 'take on' the relationship and / or get out of it gracefully as possible, unlike me, eh...can't agree about this disordered guy not being able to empathize...i can go from apathy to empathy with no problem and both are necessary to wholeness ... moods are just that MOODS...and i'm looking at 'my HPD' and myself as a 'mood dudes'...now there's a 'dude' for ya, ABCDEFG ....i will approach, confront, conquer and kill those fears and defects harming me (Senoi Principles of Dreaming...Ann Faraday) and do attempt to help others do the same...something to do worthwhile...i hurt and heal as harm and mess up...i want to beef up the helping and caring side /b]

i told my counselor i got into my relationship from 'prurient interests' and 'playing saviour'...he said 'ya can't do both...nobodly can...yours is THE PERFECT STORM" ... and both can drown in it when the unknown forces and winds and tornadoes and hurricanes , low and high pressure systems hit each other and all sink in the storm if they don't do some fancy danciin...after all all this HPD , NPD , BPD is a mystery...it's interesting to study and share my conjectured dynamics to help myself and others but in the end it is a mystery and could be thought about much differently in 20 years...all of these 'disorders' have been present since the beginning of creation and you see all of them in the 'animal kingdom' and 'native cultures'...an HPD, NPD, BPD would be a perfect choice for a 'shaman' or 'medicine man' in Indian culture and rightly so...ah, Crazy Horse...My counselor suggested 'next time' when entering a relationship with someone suspected to have 'problems' of a heavy duty nature to simply say "hi, i'd like to see about doing something together aimed at possible friendship and maybe possibly romantic down the road...but, that's not important...the aim for friendship or companionship is what i'd like...and, i don't want to hear your problems or concerns, frets, exasperations and dramas...deal with them but we are to enjoy each others company sharing thoughts, activities and feelings aimed at play and love'...you get the idea of 'not getting into waters over my head' which i clearly did as pointed out in the dream i had when 'it ended'...sure, we help each other with 'life situations' but i'll no longer spend more than maybe an hour of listening to her exasperations...i've learned from my ordeal...i will not accept exasperating, desperation, suck you in, exaggerated, frustrating STATES from anyone anymore including my brothers, family or friends...i call them on the STATES they're in and the effect it's having on both them and me...the behaviour stops or i remove myself from them...this doesn't mean i don't set time for co-counseling and helping each other with life's trips but spending time on self created , between the ears stuff for long periods only increases the troubles....FRIENDS are people who don't 'accept' me the way i am, try to help me, stir me in directions i want to be, we have fun together, get through stuff together, have SILENCES TOGETHER (each year a friend and i ride 5 hours to Brientenbush Hotsprings and we speak to each other for 10 minutes max while driving...that's a friend...we are always there for each other....now, A COMPANION is someone (HPD) i can 'do a planned' event with, a movie, dinner, gathering, Scrabble but not any real, expected intimacy..in a friendship the relationship is much more important than the event...in a companionship or aquaintance the event is of primary importance...i keep that in mind...i'm super aware now of other's STATES and not letting them rub off on me...of course, unless they are uplifting...not 'hyper lifting' but 'uplifting'...enough...Happy Happy