I really want help!

2 Major Reasons I want help:

1) I'm in love with someone, and I know that actions I take, which can be attributed to my symptoms of HPD hurt her. And I want to have a long term, happy and healthy relationship with her.

2) I'm sick and tired of feeling nothing but confusion and despair in my financial realm.

Since joining this site, it seems the only advice I read is: "Stay away from the rest of us, go hide your good for nothing head in the ground and wait for the harsh justice you deserve to catch up to you."

And I understand that all of you who have dated HPDs have completely valid bitter feelings. However it's a bit disheartening when I'm really looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.

Since joining this site, it seems the only advice I read is: "Stay away from the rest of us, go hide your good for nothing head in the ground and wait for the harsh justice you deserve to catch up to you."

And I understand that all of you who have dated HPDs have completely valid bitter feelings. However it's a bit disheartening when I'm really looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.

You should not take advice given to others about HPD personally. Perhaps you are over reacting, and dramatizing a bit? And yes, you are correct in that people are bitter towards people with HPD. And you need to understand that people who are hurt will act out against their abusers.

However I think it is great that you are participating on this forum, we could learn so much from you about HPD. But it will not be easy for you - people will use you as the scratch post. But think of what you can learn from them - the more you read how others have suffered under HPD, the more you will learn about yourself and your behavior. And most importantly you will understand how your actions affect others. This is the key - learning how to correct your behavior. This will go a long way to helping you with your current issues.

1) I'm in love with someone, and I know that actions I take, which can be attributed to my symptoms of HPD hurt her. And I want to have a long term, happy and healthy relationship with her.

There is a simple but effective method. Write down a list of your symptoms, then sit down with her and show it to her. Tell her that you love her, and for the sake of your love for her you do not want those things to damage her, or your relationship. Then ask her to help you by telling you if you do something on that list, so that you can immediately stop, and attempt to repair or change. Make an oath to yourself and to her that you will not argue about it, or take revenge against her, even if she is WRONG.

2) I'm sick and tired of feeling nothing but confusion and despair in my financial realm.

This is a bit tougher to fix. You will have to do 2 things. First thing is to sit with someone that has some financial sense, and work out a budget. Then find someone you can trust, and ask them to manage your finances, by handing over your monthly cheque to them, and asking them to ensure your debts are paid, then to give you a weekly allowance from what is left. This very hard for most people to do, to hand over their finances to someone else.

Second thing to do is to learn to manage your finances yourself. Start small by managing to get through on your allowance as above. Attend courses or seminars to learn to manage finances. Over time increase your responsibilities of managing your finances, one step at a time - for example start by paying one bill regularly yourself (increase your allowance to do this).

Finally, it is great that you post on this forum, and ask for help. Keep doing so.

AoW wrote:
There is a simple but effective method. Write down a list of your symptoms, then sit down with her and show it to her. Tell her that you love her, and for the sake of your love for her you do not want those things to damage her, or your relationship. Then ask her to help you by telling you if you do something on that list, so that you can immediately stop, and attempt to repair or change. Make an oath to yourself and to her that you will not argue about it, or take revenge against her, even if she is WRONG.

That seems like a good way to go about it, if I hadn't talked to her about it. We've known for sometime that something was wrong with me. My mother, who was a Psychotherapist, suspected that I had Borderline Personality Disorder when I was a Teen. My best friend confronted me with the idea that I was Bi-Polar. I rejected it at first, but came to wonder if he was right.

The thing that never made sense to me, is that I never seemed to get too anti-social or rebellious when I was in an upswing, rather I just became egotistical, extremely seductive, and amazingly productive with whatever project I focused all my energy on. And given that almost all medical treatment for Bipolar seemed focused in taking the air out of the tires for the manic side, I feared treatment. It was the depression that really hurt me, I hate how lethargic, and hopeless I get. I eventually had a little trouble accepting the Borderline label as well, because I never really turn to self mutilation. I only hurt myself when a near homicidal rage takes over, and I turn it on myself to avoid creating situations that will stick to me more than I desire. I may punch myself or slam my head into things, but I'd never do something to scar myself intentionally. Cutting has always seemed like an attention whore scheme, and I don't want to stoop to their level.

When I read the critereon for HPD, I laughed the laughter of one who finally sees the truth of himself. All 8 criterion applied to me. To get outside perspective, I called my GF, and read the criterion to her in question format about me: e.g. "Do I show such quick changes of emotion, that it makes my feelings appear false or staged?"

She said "yes" to every one, and it made her laugh too. She accepts that I have these issues. And as long as I don't do anything stupid, she'll stick around to work through it with me.

2) I'm sick and tired of feeling nothing but confusion and despair in my financial realm.

This is a bit tougher to fix. You will have to do 2 things. First thing is to sit with someone that has some financial sense, and work out a budget. Then find someone you can trust, and ask them to manage your finances, by handing over your monthly cheque to them, and asking them to ensure your debts are paid, then to give you a weekly allowance from what is left. This very hard for most people to do, to hand over their finances to someone else.

Second thing to do is to learn to manage your finances yourself. Start small by managing to get through on your allowance as above. Attend courses or seminars to learn to manage finances. Over time increase your responsibilities of managing your finances, one step at a time - for example start by paying one bill regularly yourself (increase your allowance to do this).

My biggest problem is finding enough income to pay survival expenses. The economy is really tough in FL right now, and I'm lucky to have a job that gives me 30 hours a week at $8 an hour. I've gone through about 8 different jobs this year. It's never been this bad for me.

But thank your for your warm welcome!

Keep this in mind:

The one school of psychology says that people are sick, and based on that assumption tries to focus on the past and delve out past trauma. Then they use passive strategies to help the patient deal with those inner demons.

The other school of psychology says that people are healthy, and based on that focus on helping a person overcome their limitations and internal obstacles. This is more of an active strategy that uses things that work to help dealing with daily obstacles.

The first one is normally called psychoanalysis and psychotherapy. The other one is normally called counseling and coaching. Neither is intrinsically right or wrong.

[I did not try to be semantically or dogmatically correct in the above. It is just a short explanation in layman's terms.]

People can choose how they want to approach their problems. Some will want to overcome their past, and some will want to conquer their future. However in the end the only strategy that works is accepting circumstances and events, and taking corrective action. You can not change other people, but you can change yourself.

My point is that you are positive, and already working on correcting your behavior. You are already looking to the future, and planning to conquer it. By digging up the past and the possible diagnosis of behavior patterns of the past you are taking steps in the wrong direction. Do not let a label define you, instead ignore the labels, and continue on correction.

As for not earning enough money, there is not much you can do in the short-term, except take my advice and meet with a financially competent person to plan a workable budget. In the medium term think of ways to improve your skills - is there a specific skill you have that you can increase? Such a skill can be marketable for more money.

The only thing I can say about jobs is this: you are not doing your boss a favor by working for him, you are doing yourself a favor in working for them. This means that whatever the employer, you are the one gaining the most benefits. Put your heart into yourself, and realize who you really working for. Then revel in your success when it comes.

Hey Tin,

I do agree with you on what I felt when I first came on this board. No matter what I said, the victims counteracted with "can we really trust what you are saying" and "IF you are telling the truth then do this or that".........

It is like they were saying that I am not a real person, only imaginary walking around in a real world that no one will validate anything I say or do. So I did get frustrated too and learned to listen to those victims that REALLY are here to find help for themselves AND to shed light for the few HPDs that decide to poke their heads in and maybe between the two we can all get help.

I was very disheartened by all of the HPD sites that I found before coming here because it was the same thing. That basically it would be better if we were dead because our lives can never have meaning, therapy won't save us, and no one should have any dealings with us and run from us if we are within a hundred yards from them. Is that OVER exagerating??? I think not, for any of those of you that care to, go and look on every HPD site. It was like I was looking at a carbon copy of ONE person's evalutaion over thousands of sites and yes, I do mean thousands. I had never heard of HPD until this summer. But I know my life was not complete before. I am still determined to kick it completely, but it is a process and I have only been out of my dysfunctional home for 16 years and that is not that long, but with each year. I get better.

Don't give up hope. One person on here told me to think of it as my journal or diary, and that is what I do. Don't let anyone have control over your feelings though. YOU are not HPD, you just have traits and possibly a disorder. It doesn't mean that is who you are.

Great that your GF is willing to work with you, just don't ever use it as an excuse to hurt her and you will probably make it. Welcome Tin to the forum.

First up, welcome to the forum! Don't let us disgruntled partners scare you off, some people here will be pretty negative towards you, you just have to remember that they don't actually hate YOU, they're just experiencing transference (they're taking their negative feelings towards their partner/ex and putting them on you - when obviously you have nothing to do with the person they're ACTUALLY angry at).

So you have HPD. That sucks for you... but you already have two massive, MASSIVE advantages over most people with HPD (including most of the partners of us aforementioned disgruntled people). One, you acknowledge that you have problems you need to work on. Two, you are actually willing to do that work. Those two factors, together, mean that you have a good chance of being able to, at the very least, mitigate and compensate for the symptoms of HPD. At best, you may be able to cure the underlying hurts that caused it in the first place.

Have you seen a therapist who specialises in cluster-B disorders? You've said you have some financial woes at the moment which would probably make that hard. Feel free to hang around here either way, at least you'll be talking to people who understand what you're talking about.

Well, I have bpd and am in recovery and you're getting bad advice from people who are rightly upset and who truly believe t here is no help. There is, but talk therapy is pretty useless and imo this isn't due to your past so talking about it won't change it.

The gold standard of treatment for borderline, which overlaps with Histronic, and has been proven effective if the patient is serious, is Dialectal Behavioral Therapy. (It's early...I hope that made sense ) I'm in it now, although I was earlier in cognitive therapy which also helped tremendously. If you buy the book "Skills Training Manuel for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder by Marsha M. Linehan, you will see what this is about and I think you'll get excited because it addresses the core issues of our disorder and explains how to change it. But I also thing actually have a DBT therapist is the best way to get into recovery. And you have to get ready to work hard, but I find it's really satisfying when I handle life the way "normal" people do. The old school of thought was there is no help. That has changed. You have to be careful of the internet as it's not always accurate. And getting advice from some who have been betrayed may also believe that their love one can't be helped. They can't if they don't WANT help, but if you want help, it's out there.

You say you don't have a good job. If you have no insurance, can you get Medicaid? Most university hospitals take it, and they are on the cutting edge of treatments. I go to one myself.

I have changed so much that if I tell my hub of fourteen years that I have borderline and show him the traits he says, "No, you don't." Yet at one time I was so sick that I lost the majority of my family (although I think they all have personality disorders as well, thus I am thinking there is a lot of nature here). At any rate, if you want to begin changing, do a search on Marsha M. Linehan, order her book, and see if this rings true for you. Then get on the phone and find a DBT therapist who will work with you. You sound like one who realizes he has issues and could change. Good luck and don't let ANYONE tell you that you are stuck being this way. Okay?

tin777 wrote:2 Major Reasons I want help:

1) I'm in love with someone, and I know that actions I take, which can be attributed to my symptoms of HPD hurt her. And I want to have a long term, happy and healthy relationship with her.

2) I'm sick and tired of feeling nothing but confusion and despair in my financial realm.

Since joining this site, it seems the only advice I read is: "Stay away from the rest of us, go hide your good for nothing head in the ground and wait for the harsh justice you deserve to catch up to you."

And I understand that all of you who have dated HPDs have completely valid bitter feelings. However it's a bit disheartening when I'm really looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.

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You won't be able to do it without help pardner. Not just your gals help, but a counselor who's versed in the areas concerned. It will also take a fearless owning up to your acts. And an openness and honesty in your relationship. NOT just telling her what's going on good or bad, but being open to HER telling you what you're doing wrong.. and learning to accept it and change.

Don't take this wrong, but I have to admit: I hope it doesn't work out for you. If a histrionic is able to change and have a relationship that's real... It means my ex HPD may have been workable if I'd just mattered enough to her. If shed loved me enough, or I had something to offer. I'm a failure anyhow, but knowing it COULD have worked. That's a big part of why you see so much negativity here I'm sure. Try and understand that when you get hostility from 'normies'

Wow. What a mean thing to say. Are you sure *you* don't have the problem? So you want people to fail to get help because your partner didn't do it?

There IS help, but YOU, the partner, can't be her therapist. You don't have the training or the understanding to help.

How mean-spirited is it to wish somebody bad luck in recovery? Sometimes I wonder more about the "victims" than those who allegedly have the disorders. I'm very disappointed to read this on a support board

i just read the above and i don't think the statements were 'meant' to be mean or not to support recovery...when he said 'i got to admit i hope yours doesn't work out' i think he's saying that 'tongue in cheek', 'exaggerating' about how painful it would be for him if his could have worked out .... i'm probably going to drop of a gift at my HPD's doorstep who has treated me oh so very mean including a no contact order and felony charge...i'll be disobeying a commandment of no contact on this site...but, i've been browsing this great form for a couple weeks to realize there is no ONE RULE but sharing from folks who have to wing it at times, live in fragmentation and confusion for a time, make the mistake of contacting again, maybe again, maybe again for more pain but i see mostly on this forum, HEALING...i'm not sick and tired enough , yet , to have her gone especially considering what this NPD did to her...oh, the latest is: if she shows here i'm preparing this contract she has to sign or goodbye...even in the hard pain expressed in these forums there is such an 'aliveness', 'struggles worthwhile'...something about that 'maybe our relationship could've been different'...i'm sure it 'could've been if'... if onlys , woulda , coulda , should'ves just don't work and they work less if one has a mental disorder...each relationship is a risk and an experiment...there's going to be pain as part of the package...but, the sit down, write it out, talk...someone mentioned something about 'dialectics'...i can't think of anything more healing and fun than conversation...i believe 'my HPD' can be related to successfully enough for us both if i give her the undivided ATTENTION, supportively, and honestly for CERTAIN periods of time...when i met my HPD first thing i said to her was YOUR BASIC PROBLEM IS A MANAGABILITY PROBLEM...now it think that's true...(of course fear, low esteem and all that jazz are underneath somewhere)...practically speaking, fix the managerial problem then there's much better action ahead...i haven't put that into play yet...i'll let you know what happens....the relationship came to a halt with me transgressing her boundaries...because i didn't MANAGE myself, sleep, thoughts, emotions, eating, habits, jealousy etc. .............. her managerial concerns were more around managing to keep her word, managing to tell the truth, managing to contribute more, managing her harried hyper active life...now i must manage myself by keeping her at a distance mentally but physically...i never went 'all the way' with this beauty but i believe it makes it worse to part not easier...won't go into why...well, i know life among Cluster Bs is not boring...