I really want help!

*Edit

I'm not sure he was tongue in cheek. The "victims" (ahem) here are extremely bitter. I can't blame them in a way, however they are also to blame for their broken hearts. Did they not realize that this was an unhealthy person? Maybe they didn't "get" it at first, but once they did, it is their own fault that they stayed. That they did, indicates that they are not so healthy themselves. Most men walk away from that degree of dysfunction. They need to explore why they didn't so that it doesn't happen again. Often people keep finding the same kind of person over and over again, and somehow they get something from it. I don't know why. Even with my bpd at it's worst, I would not have willingly gotten close or stayed with a person who was unloving. I at least tried the best I could with a serious mental illness.

HPD is a SERIOUS mental illness. It is no smarter to get involved with somebody who is sick with it and not getting help than it is to fall in love with a schizophrenic who is hearing voices and seeing people who are not there. And the newest research is showing strong GENETIC links to personality disorders...like you are born that way. And you can't just choose to be different. You need serious help and it's a lifelong struggle. If the "victims" don't want to walk this walk with the HPD (and I certainly don't blame them for not wanting to), then they should get out. If they don't, well, then don't complain when the sick person acts sick.

'Nuff said. I advocate for the REAL victims...the unhealthy people who need help.

I think there are two types that try to hold onto an HPD relationship...........

Those who think they can help the HPD.........

And those who settle for that "relationship", because they occasionaly get to enjoy showing off their "hot spouse".

I gave up on both these life patterns, and left her.

She has now had 200 lovers and 5 husbands............

And that is just fine with me.

I'm only here to learn, heal, and share..........

As somebody with bpd in recovery, I can guarantee you there are more than two types. There are men who actually like the drama and are drama queens themselves and play as many games as the woman. There are men who have White Knight complex and think that the woman is their responsibility, almost like she is his child. That is unhealthy for both. There are those who have their own mental health issues (I can see some here who I would think are not that stable). I'm sure I didn't even touch the tip of the iceberg.

Most healthy men (and women) leave people whom they see are mentally ill and toxic to them at the same time. There are differing reasons as to why some hang on. You can't broadbrush any group. If ya do, you're acting as borderline as any borderline. It's truly a gray issue, not black and white.

tin777 wrote:2 Major Reasons I want help:

1) I'm in love with someone, and I know that actions I take, which can be attributed to my symptoms of HPD hurt her. And I want to have a long term, happy and healthy relationship with her.

2) I'm sick and tired of feeling nothing but confusion and despair in my financial realm.

Since joining this site, it seems the only advice I read is: "Stay away from the rest of us, go hide your good for nothing head in the ground and wait for the harsh justice you deserve to catch up to you."

And I understand that all of you who have dated HPDs have completely valid bitter feelings. However it's a bit disheartening when I'm really looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.

_____________________________________________________________

I like the sincerity I hear in your words... It IS hard for those of us who've been victimized by an HPD to be... positive I guess is the word. Try and keep that in mind when you read posts from us.

I don't know that my advice will be easy to accept, but I think it's best to look at remaining single while you work on things... Or if not single, keep the relationship low key. Romance and love will muddy up some already muddy water when what you need is a clear mind and perspective. Matters of the heart defy logic, and that's what's needed when addressing some deep seated behavior.
One thing I've heard from HPD's is that they're often totally unaware of what they're doing. It's instinctive. And when feelings are involved, drama is going to come up.. Anyhow. That's my 2cents. Best of luck to you!

AGCDEFG wrote:I'm not sure he was tongue in cheek. The "victims" (ahem) here are extremely bitter. I can't blame them in a way, however they are also to blame for their broken hearts. Did they not realize that this was an unhealthy person?

They do, now, but HPD is not like Schizophrenia or Aspergers or inward-acting BPD. There's no hearing voices or cutting or groaning or obvious problems. Telling a vivacious, sociable girl from a girl with HPD is like telling a real smile from a fake one. To make a proper diagnosis you have to have clinical knowledge of HPD and you have to have a true picture of the person's behaviour over a long period of time in one or more intimate relationships. You can't see someone across the room and think "wow, she has HPD" unless you know exactly what to look for, and even then it will be one of those armchair psychologist diagnoses that you (rightly) hate so much.

Anyway, I think Ghost meant it, not as "I hope you don't get better", but as "if you get better, then it means my ex could have gotten better too and that means I was wrong to give up on the relationship."

Hi all...
Trying to catch up on posts. But I will say this yet again for everyones benefit. I have done more reading on HPD since I learned the term in august last year than I care to remember but I am going to be a broken record...

HPD is NOT A MENTAL ILLNESS. You aren't born with it. Mental illness can't really be prevented. HPD is a PERSONALITY DISORDER. And I don't mean to yell I am just typing boldly. We didn't ask to be this way. But it IS OUR CHOICE to be better or to hurt others once we know better. I know that some here think we don't have rational thoights and we walk around with our heads in the clouds and life is a fairytale magic kingdom ride and all we do is hurt others. That is only the view of someone hurt by an HPD.

Once an HPD understands they aren't the only one doing these things and they aren't unique in that they don't know why they can't pick just one person to love, they COULD make a conscious effort to stop hurting other people. They can see when they first start the same pattern with someone new like flirting or making themselves available even when they are not or shouldn't be available that they can stop and say...nope not going down this road again. A victim will want to say there is no hope for them because it hurts worse for the victim if THEY weren't enough for the HPD to straighten up. I am sorry for that guys but it is true. And I understand that you all are hurting or were hurting. You have every right to feel that way.

But those who put a blanket statement out there that ALL HPDs do this or that and ALL HPDs are robots with no feelings or all HPDs are going to hell or deserver to go to hell ....well it doesn't fit all of us. I have the most boring life ever now. And I don't mean boring in a bad way but normal. It is good to know I don't have to worry to come home to chaos or hitting or screaming. We have fun but everything is in order and not topsy turvy. It is good. I have the family I dreamed of having for myself as a kid.

And I with my husband helped create this for our kids knowing they will never have to know what I went thru. And what is even better is I am in control of my own life now. If anyone brings chaos around me or my family...I cut them out until they act normal. Even of they have to pretend around me they know the second the crazy comes out...they are gone.

So not all HPDs are not capable of being better. And I haven't noticed any posts from the original poster on this thread but I hope he reads this. If he truly loves this woman and he has been honest about himself...he can get better. Let's be candid but bot discouraging or he could revert back and think what is the point of trying and iit did no good for him to come to this board to be better.

Hope everyone is doing well. And that is my two cents plus a little more.

AGCDEFG wrote:I'm not sure he was tongue in cheek. The "victims" (ahem) here are extremely bitter. I can't blame them in a way, however they are also to blame for their broken hearts. Did they not realize that this was an unhealthy person? Maybe they didn't "get" it at first, but once they did, it is their own fault that they stayed. That they did, indicates that they are not so healthy themselves. Most men walk away from that degree of dysfunction. They need to explore why they didn't so that it doesn't happen again. Often people keep finding the same kind of person over and over again, and somehow they get something from it. I don't know why. Even with my bpd at it's worst, I would not have willingly gotten close or stayed with a person who was unloving. I at least tried the best I could with a serious mental illness.

HPD is a SERIOUS mental illness. It is no smarter to get involved with somebody who is sick with it and not getting help than it is to fall in love with a schizophrenic who is hearing voices and seeing people who are not there. And the newest research is showing strong GENETIC links to personality disorders...like you are born that way. And you can't just choose to be different. You need serious help and it's a lifelong struggle. If the "victims" don't want to walk this walk with the HPD (and I certainly don't blame them for not wanting to), then they should get out. If they don't, well, then don't complain when the sick person acts sick.

'Nuff said. I advocate for the REAL victims...the unhealthy people who need help.

There is some truth in the statement "victims are in part to blame" As giving your heart foolishly is a foolish act.. But its nowhere near as simple as an "oh you're not healthy? Now that I know, I'm gone." The social worker friend of mine who told me about this site also described HPD in a functional context, as being chameleonlike in their ability to create a false personality tailored for their supply's idea of a 'perfect' soulmate. The attention/love motive means that once a supply begins to "escape" the manipulation and headgames get harsh. Guilt, hope, and the persons wish for the illusion to be real are employed as a weapon by the hPD to make their being dumped as"his fault" and painful as they can. Its a tactic to avoid looking at themselves... And also to make a clean break impossible.

I can only relate my own experience here but with my HPD... No I DIDN'T know she was as sick a human as she turned out to be. The illusion was convincing. While I DID see character flaws... I kept in mind that WE ALL HAVE weaknesses and personality shortcomings.... Nobody's perfect, and one or two quirks does not a psycho make. By the time I DID have an idea it was already to late to not have a deep emotional stake in the relationship. I don't love easily, and I consider
It selfish and shallow to turn one's back on a person they care for simply because they have problems.

Have you ever been caught up emptionally evocative book? Movie? You KNOW its not real, but the fiction is still compelling. What about a real person spouting a fiction you don't know is a lie? That's what HPD's DO. They also do their utmost to avoid personal accountability for the wreckage they create. I think that your coments here are an incredibly telling example of that. I can't take the sharp edges off of my points, and I think it'd be a disservice to do so. Do you see the HPD in your words here?

"Most men would walk away from that level of dysfunction"... Yep.. but the dynamic and deception means that the sucker doesn't KNOW the level of dysfunction... again, untill its too late. *shrugging* I hope that I conveyed the lack of animosity I'm shooting for. Its a hallmark of HPD to say "its your fault, not mine because......."

TatteredKnight wrote:

AGCDEFG wrote:I'm not sure he was tongue in cheek. The "victims" (ahem) here are extremely bitter. I can't blame them in a way, however they are also to blame for their broken hearts. Did they not realize that this was an unhealthy person?

They do, now, but HPD is not like Schizophrenia or Aspergers or inward-acting BPD. There's no hearing voices or cutting or groaning or obvious problems. Telling a vivacious, sociable girl from a girl with HPD is like telling a real smile from a fake one. To make a proper diagnosis you have to have clinical knowledge of HPD and you have to have a true picture of the person's behaviour over a long period of time in one or more intimate relationships. You can't see someone across the room and think "wow, she has HPD" unless you know exactly what to look for, and even then it will be one of those armchair psychologist diagnoses that you (rightly) hate so much.

Anyway, I think Ghost meant it, not as "I hope you don't get better", but as "if you get better, then it means my ex could have gotten better too and that means I was wrong to give up on the relationship."

Doeh! K I see the 'tongue in cheek' question was about my reply to the original poster. I was being sincere. Anybody reading my posts will see a clear difference between my good days and bad days. We all have em or we wouldn't be here, and I leave my posts unedited (usually) to avoid... "tailoring" the impression I give people.

With this guy's post, I didn't see a "its your fault, NOT mine" as is common with Histrionics. Maybe the idea of a histrionic being able to change isn't a threatening idea when the HPD's male? (Sexual exploration and attempts to BECOME gay aside, I'm primarily straight.) Anyhoo, I do wish the guy well. When its sincere, I respect a person owning their shortcomings.