Possible HPD partner ... desperate for advice

I've been spending several days reading hundreds of posts/articles/videos regarding HPD. Recently, by pure frustration and exhaustion, I was driven to a Google search where I typed phrases such as "anxiety, excessive need for reassurance, sympathy, etc." and the first subject returned was "Histrionic Personality Disorder." I was expecting to merely find information on general anxiety, but after reading the first HPD article, I was stunned by how accurately the description fit my partner. Since, I have been devouring any information I can find and am in a truly mixed state right now - a) I feel guilty for assuming the person I care for & wish I could help might have this (especially since I am terrified to even mention it to her), b) confused ... what if I'm wrong? c) disturbed and afraid of a future with her if I'm right. I could probably more easily come to a conclusion from reading many of the already existing posts describing the common behaviors, however, there are only a few of the traits that don't fit her exactly (at least what I know of her after 6 months). Otherwise, the majority of the description, without question, fits her to a tee.

One part I am most curious about is the "seductiveness" and overly sexual nature toward more than one person or partner at a time (infidelity) and possibly in public. Also, the obsessiveness with appearing sexy and attractive. My partner HAS been known to be very flirtatious with people, not necessarily in an inappropriately sexual way, but she has either masked this from me or has not been as much since I have been with her, at least when we're around other people or if I read anything she has posted on her Facebook page. That's another thing - she updates her FB status almost hourly with some of the most private matters, and people pour in with comments like "you're in my prayers, hope you feel better," etc. At first i thought it was nice, but it happens so often now that it gets on my nerves. She calls everyone "babe and honey" and often uses repeated, almost shallow, syrupy phrases while commenting to people, though her friendliness and super sweetness is part of what drew me to her, of course. She likes to thank people for any concerns, praises or compliments in overabundance and definitely with excessive emotion ("Thank you SO much for your kindness, you don't know how much that means to me" said to someone she doesn't know at all), but still nothing inappropriately sexual in nature. *On the other hand* she DOES tend to be overly sexual with me in private. She definitely does not dress provocatively (she is, however, obsessed with her body appearance due to her weight) and when I first met her, the sexy behavior on a personal level was kind of appealing. At the same time, I noticed that almost as soon as I had a real conversation with her, she had already injected very sexual talk and after only a month or so started sending me tons of random "sexy" snapshots (her Facebook album is plastered with normal self portraits) and to this day constantly flashes me or wants to talk dirty. As I said, at first I was into it, but now it is flat out annoying because she will do this at the most inopportune times, most of which, by now, I am totally NOT in the mood for. She did "grab" me once while we were in an empty isle of a store. I find myself having to fake and go along with it, act enthused, or else her feelings would be crushed and she'd become terribly hurt and ticked off, as if she were so unloved, unwanted and deprived.

The other part I don't fully see with her is the violent temper or immediate cutting of ties with people. If anything she is super attached to partners, needs their close presence for survival, and is terrified of abandonment and rejection. She would cling to "anyone" as long as they devoted 1,000% of themselves to her and her needs. Also, about the temper, I HAVE seen it come through two or three times (in 6 months of knowing her) and each time it stung me, but quickly passed once she realized how it startled me and frantically tried to justify whatever it was she had said. One of the situations was I texted her that I was going to be late calling because I was dealing with some family drama, but didn't give details in the message (did say everyone was ok, not to worry) and when I spoke with her the next day she seemed fine. A bit into the conversation, I told her what happened and she started getting very emotional about why I hadn't told her the night before the details and the sappy sadness eventually turned into a quick, harsh lash out of "sometimes I just don't tell her what the h*ll is going on!", which is ridiculous because I am constantly telling her everything. I was instantly taken aback and grew silent, I had never heard her that way before... that was the first time. Similar situations have occurred a few times since then, but I can tell she tries really hard to push it down and smooth it over as soon as it has happened .. so that I won't be alarmed. She goes back into "Mary Poppins" mode.

That said, she absolutely CRAVES (and that's putting it mildly) love, comfort, attention, praise, acceptance, and approval CONSTANTLY. She claims I am more than wonderful and thanks me constantly for loving her so well, but seems to never be able to get enough and seems to barely be able to survive whenever we can't talk to or see each other (on a daily basis, between times of normal occupation - work, etc.). As for her personal history, she grew up with a father who was and still is completely unavailable emotionally. She has struggled with her own identity (including sexuality) and he has not been very accepting of it. She was extremely emotionally close with her mother who had to be taken care of by the family due to illness since she was a child - so I am assuming most of the attention went to care of the mother. Unfortunately, her mother passed away last year and since she has been diagnosed with panic anxiety, which also relates to her - what I believe to be - hypochondria. That is another thing - her health. She is very overweight and does have some normal health risk issues, but has not been diagnosed with anything serious and, aside from that, is CONSTANTLY obsessing over every single little ache and discomfort in her body. She has a doc. appointment of some kind almost every other week and visits her beloved chiropractor every single week. She has been seeing the chiro since January this year and has become *very* attached to her - has her cell phone number and talks about her ALL the time, about what an angel she is because she listens to her and knows so much and how they are the best of friends & they swap DVD movies. Seems kind of odd to me on behalf of the doctor, but I never questioned it. She has also admitted to having crush after crush on almost all of her teachers growing up. She has had endless "crushes", by the way. This sums up all I know of her personal past, as much as she has told me.

My point is, I don't know if this is simply a "honeymoon period" and she is trying to keep me on the string until I've gone to move in with her (something we had been planning)? Aside from possibly having this disorder this is how I would describe her, having not known anything about HPD: one of the most generous, warm, humble, intelligent, but definitely extroverted, people I've ever met. We've been out in public before and she has started to dance or sing in the chair or laugh extra loud in the movie theater. We had tons of things in common when we met, which is what drew us together, and I have had a lot of good times with her. *But* ... almost since the first month of knowing her, I have felt consistently emotionally (which sometimes feels physical now) exhausted and drained after having spent time with her or talked to her. Our conversations and time spent together consist of about 90% - no exaggeration - of HER ... what she has done that day, what she was/is thinking feeling, worrying about, happy, sad, lonely, sick, don't feel good, someone pissed her off, or someone was her bestest friend, etc etc. on and on and on ... for 5 or 6 hours straight ENDLESSLY if she could!

She's like that with her family, too. With me she still tries extra hard to over exert her compassion for me if something's wrong, but is that part of the sugary honeymoon? Even then, when she does, a little part of me has sometimes felt like, although she says the most wonderful things "Oh, I'm so sorry you have to suffer from that, I hope you get better," a bit of it is empty ... hard to explain because when I first met her I just thought she was a very passionate person, like I am. Something has always felt a little funny though, I just always dismissed it because it was such a slight feeling. She can be extremely charismatic. But I've seen how she treats her family, and people in general, differently. If she doesn't feel good we all have to be right there at her side constantly checking on her, getting her anything she needs, being 1,000% supportive and consoling her worries about dying, etc. If someone else doesn't feel good, it's as though she throws them a bone of a comment for a few minutes, like "I'm sorry, you'll be ok, it's probably just x,y,z" which could last all of 5 minutes, then it's back to her and one of her own stories - have you seen my new medication?? oh how my back hurts! do you like my new shirt?? The attention always has to return back to her in some way. I've been appalled by that several times. She is also extremely hurt if one criticizes her in the least and she can cry (sometimes without tears) at the drop of a hat. She doesn't have fits in public, but she is constantly ticked off with her family if they've done something, even as minor as letting the car window down when its cold, anything that causes her any discomfort and she thinks they've committed a crime of cruel abuse. Everyone is on eggshells around her because of this, but I don't think her family has any idea of what her problem might be ... if they even see it as one after all these years.

I feel bad ... I'm sure she should know about this so she can seek some help, but I am even terrified to bring up the subject because she would be absolutely crushed and hurt. She already started some therapy to deal with the loss of her mother, but she quickly stopped going. She has admitted to wanting to go back in the future, if I'm with her ... but to be honest, I have my own issues I'm dealing with right now in my life and, frankly, I'm not sure if I am strong enough to pull us both through our battles if hers is something like HPD. I have a very caring, agreeable nature and a) I am so spent on relationship drama & b) I feel I cannot afford to be emotionally taken advantage of at this point in my life. She has tried very hard to make it seem as though this relationship, "though it will have its ups and downs", will be everything we ever dreamed of, but ... I now feel heartbroken before anything has even happened. I've invested so much time & effort into her and "us" and now I want to draw it all back. Finding the info. I have has already confirmed so much of what I wasn't aware of before and has caused my feelings to begin to change and I can't even talk with her the same anymore. I have been so anxious to get off the phone with her several times and have felt so guilty for feeling that way. I have no idea how I would pull back from her completely ... I don't even want to think about what she might threaten to do to herself or the dramatics that will take place. Also, her friends and family would be devastated as they've seen us as "the perfect couple" and I don't think they even see a personality disorder as a possibility for her. Her friends mostly see her super friendly, "innocent", charismatic side. Though, she has revealed to me in private moments that she wishes she could learn to accept "all this love" and I've seen a very empty, broken person inside, just attributed it to low self esteem.

I've never articulated all this about her in this way to anyone before and I am curious to know what anyone thinks. I'm sure the condition varies with different people, but any advice at all on what I have described here would be greatly appreciated (sorry the post was so long, but I want to know if anyone might identify with this as possibly HPD). It is crucial that I find out one way or another because I was considering moving in with her and now, after instinctive feelings and research, I am almost 99% sure I will not be.

welcome lacsd.... it does sound like HPD to me, although it's hard to tell from a forum posting and I think that is really something you have to determine for yourself.

As for not seeing the promiscuity or the violence yet, 6 months is really not a lot of time for someone to keep up a front. Maybe it's there, maybe it's not. For now, suggest you (1) educate yourself as much as possible (2) work on any issues you might have ESPECIALLY your boundaries and (3) DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HER YET!

Another thing you could do, straight off, is talk to her about her self esteem issues (maybe not a good idea to bring in HPD yet??? someone else may have an opinion on this) and encourage her to seek counseling. Again you'll have to give it some time..... an HPD might agree and go to counseling to keep you appeased, but would never, ever take real responsibility for her actions or make any positive changes.

Time, time, time.... how serious are you about this girl? is she worth it? listen to your gut (sounds like you have a pretty good gut anyway) and keep in touch...

caro

You have to face her and talk to her about her personality and her issues. You could point out that she exhibits HPD behavior, but do not present it as a diagnosis. She needs to understand and accept that her behavior is exceptional (out of the ordinary - not wrong). If she is HPD you can not tell her she is wrong. It will get her back up, and your conversation will head south very fast. You are looking for her commitment to see a professional in order to get help.

The hard part for you will be if she does not accept that she has problems, and will not seek professional help. In that case break it off, for your own sake. It is nearly impossible to have a normal relationship with a HPD person UNLESS they get professional help, AND stick with the treatment. It is unfortunate, but one of the things with HPD is that they are often incapable of "real" love for another person. (They are often referred to as Emotional Vampires. I think there is a book about HPD with that title.)

As for the promiscuity and violence: not all HPD suffering persons end up doing that. Some will never go that far, and some will do it without you ever finding out. Physical abuse is not common with females, but emotional abuse is. Promiscuity might never go beyond flirting. But each case will be different. The only common thing, whatever they do, is their absence of guilt.

Caro - thanks A LOT for your thorough advice. I've been driving myself crazy over this all week, and, although I am still in a state of shock from what I've learned so far, it is such a relief to hear back from someone about it. I don't even want to turn to my friends about it all yet, let alone her. I did mention it briefly to one of my best friend and became too upset to go on about it as my partner and I had become very serious and I've been very attracted to her, so much that I didn't even realize why I felt like the life was being sucked out of me all the time ... just figured I had met someone with "extra" the emotional problems a lot of people struggle with - low self esteem, depression, avoidance of too much of the "bad, painful parts" (which tends to manifest itself in spur of the moment purchases and excessive "shopping therapy" for her - has also been VERY irritating to me ... she's always said, in her familiar pouty, child-like tone, "this is how I am (regarding her "generosity" through spending), hope you're not going to expect me to change."). I'm also reminded of the fact that she has a very hard time sticking to plans at home, whether they be for better health or simple projects she gets excited about in the beginning. It's like she doesn't follow through with anything on a personal level. This is part of what makes me question whether sticking with her would be worth it for my own well being.

Yes, she admits her low self esteem and "neediness" cause her a lot of stress all the time, but she mostly attributes it to a combination of bad past relationships + anxiety + grief from the recent loss of her mother. She has mentioned wanting to try therapy again, but only thinks she can make it if I'm physically living with her - says she is afraid of crying and not being able to stop. I'm not sure that any psychologist would diagnose her with the HPD in time to help her get some realization and acceptance (even possible?) of it, unless maybe they were able to talk to someone close to her (like me) and find out how she really is. She's very good at putting up social fronts - every one at work thinks she's just a warm, bubbly bundle of joy, but she even admits they don't get to see the darker, empty part of her once she leaves the building to go home. Few people have seen it outside of myself and her very immediate family members. They are pretty much oblivious to it, though they constantly suffer her wrath, and might even be offended if I ever brought it up to them. Bottom line is, now that I'm pretty much certain she has HPD, as much as I had started becoming attached to her myself & had big hopes for our future, it's as though my instincts have caused everything to come to a halt without possibility of moving forward with the relationship, and after reading about HPD so much, everything from the last 6 months finally makes sense. Now I'm just left with breaking this to her somehow. I am all about honesty and simply do not know how to even approach this situation - seems the only sane way out would be to make something up on my behalf ... but even that she will not be able to deal with.

AoW - thanks for your comment, very good points. She will readily admit she needs some therapy, but I'm simply not sure if she would follow through, as you stated. She dropped out once before we met. Also, the only thing peculiar to me about her "overly friendly" nature has been that when we made it official we were together, 2 of her Facebook friends suddenly deleted her and left harsh messages saying they felt hurt, led on. I know one of them was very young (my partner is 35) and emotionally unstable and I was sure they had just mistaken her charm for something more. Sitting here thinking of it now, I don't even want to know what else could have been behind those situations. I still don't think she has been unfaithful in the last 6 months, but at this point I feel I don't even want to stay long enough to find out.

I also feel guilty though (something I now realize she was good at subtly making me feel in order to get compliments or praise) thinking of emotionally abandoning her. As I said, I'm still in shock mode. I was literally 3 weeks away from moving long distance to be with her and now have to find something fast to at least explain a delay (which will be permanent). The rest will have to be gradual. Funny how things happen ... I thought I was just afraid of the move change coming, but then that led me to finding out all of this - and I'm going with it.

Hi lacsd,

Well I would be shocked if your GF doesn't have HPD. Sounds pretty classic to me. Keep this in mind (excerpted from a website about HPD) --"Benjamin (1993, pp. 165-166) believes that HPD falls into two subtypes: 1) those who are flirtatious and focused on physical attractiveness, and 2) those who are concerned with somatic symptoms. The DSM-IV™ Axis II HPD emphasizes the flirtatious version. However, individuals with HPD will vary in the degree to which they are sexually seductive or concerned about physical symptoms. "

As far as violent temper and the immediate cutting of ties...you probably haven't seen that because you haven't abandoned her (yet.) Mine turned into a monster when I "left," and I put that in quotes because, like you, I had no chose but to leave, as I was drained, spent, exhausted... However, as cruel and mean as my HPD got, she still spent the next year trying to get supply from me (last attempt, 10/1/09...will it be the last?)

It stinks, really, having to leave someone you love, particularly when they have such a core fear of rejection and abandonment and most likely do not have the capacity to understand why you must leave. It's so unfair, it's the last thing in the world you want to do, but of course you have to do it to save yourself. I think you know that your relationship with her is going nowhere good, and fast.

Keep reading and posting here. It has helped me a lot. As you know, most people in real life don't know a thing about HPD and people that know your HPD don't see the things you have seen.

She has mentioned wanting to try therapy again, but only thinks she can make it if I'm physically living with her

Um, wow. this is extremely manipulative. If and when she agrees to go to therapy, it needs to be with no conditions attached and no action required on your part. If she can not or will not do that, it's all the answer you need.

One other thing I wanted to point out is her blaming her behavior on her past. Whether or not that's true, she needs to be able to take responsibility for her behavior and work on her problems to move forward. Again, if she's HPD she can not and will not do that.

The more you write, the more I think this sounds like a really severe case. (Lack of follow through.... facebook drama... history of bad relationships... I could keep going.) Granted, I am not an expert. Take whatever time you need to figure things out, and try not to be hard on yourself in the meantime. And again -- DO NOT move in with her!!!!!! The more pressure she applies in that regard, the more concerned you should be. HPD or not, a healthy well adjusted person would not try to attach to you so quickly nor push you into something you're not ready for.

Here are some of my favorite resources (and thanks to everyone on this board who recommeded them to me originally):
http://counsellingresource.com/distress ... index.html
http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/loser/index.html
http://counsellingresource.com/features ... ontrition/
http://books.google.com/books?id=N4SSNA ... er&f=false
Emotional Vampires (book)
Emotional Blackmail by Susan Froward (book)
Beyond Codependency by Melody Beatty (book)

caro

I recognise a lot of how you describe your gf in myself too. Don't give in to all her needs, it won't help her in the end. Even though it hurts at first, I am sometimes glad when people push me away a bit, or are not always available. I haven't been diagnosed HPD, but think I'm a 'mild case' if that makes sense. And for me it's important to have to solve these little problems all by myself sometimes, to remind me to be independent and strong. Right now my bf is in China, travelling around, and we don't have much contact at all. And even though it's really really hard for me to be alone right now, I'm trying to teach myself to be a "complete" person all by myself without all those dependencies and needs for attention etc, and without other people being strong for me.

I would recommend you follow your gut feeling (which you seem to be doing), and don't let her get even more attached to you - it would be bad for both of you. Keeping some distance, and leaving her alone sometimes, being unavailable, etc might even help her, and might save your relationship. Just my opinion...

The best thing you can do for yourself is to leave now. Sorry I know that sounds harsh but you have a stack of evidence in front of you that shows she is not relationship material.

It has been my experience too that telling an HPD they have HPD only infuriattes them. They may even give you the babyface expression, then go behind your back to secure unsuspecting supply. They don't want you to know they have HPD. In fact, they go through a great deal of lying, manipulation, and deceit to keep you in the dark

Once she realizes that you know she is HPD, the 'game' is up in her mind. The only thing left for the HPD at that point is to ensure that they 'win'. They will often do this by not only securing another partner, but also blameshift the break-up entirely on you.

Now tell me, is this really the person you want to share your life with?

btw you don't need a label or diagnosis to know the answer to this question. Her ACTIONS already say it all

Run...and don't look back

hey there, your story has a lot of similarities to my friend who I suspect has HPD. try looking for my post, it should still be on the first page (titled "HPD or drama queen? help!!"). all i can say is move on!! unless she gets help, you shouldn't put up with someone who leaves you feeling drained. i was friends with my HPD friend for a few years and I wish i ended that friendship a long time ago! unless she gets professional help things will not change with her! the longer you are with her, the worse it will get. not worth it! but wow what similarities to my friend! my HPD friend also talks about herself all the time, isn't concerned with me or my problems, needs her boyfriend 24/7 and is very clingy and needy, very flirty and needs constant male attention, calls everyone "honey" or "babe", has a millions pics of herself on facebook and updates her status every 2 minutes.........
lemme tell u... she will most likey break your heart and use you. i dont think you can trust them...like with my friend, she likes EVERY SINGLE GUY AND WANTS TO MARRY EVERY SINGLE GUY SHE DATES AND THEY'RE ALL "THE ONE". and she likes EVERY guy that walks her way, has no standards and can be promiscous (also got an STD).
after being friends with her for a few years i grew VERY FRUSTRATED with her to the point where id want to shoot myself if i had to listen to her crap. drama is annoying. I am happy she is out of my life now. BE CAREFUL. did you see all these horror stories on this board??