Anybody a Disingenous HPD too?

Hello,

I'm new here and I just wanted to find people that I could relate to or at least seek advice from. I have the disingenuous variant of the HPD.

Let me give you (hopefully) a succinct synopsis (but, probably not) of my experiences with this personality style. Please tell me your personal stories as well:

Social Reputation/Interactions:
I am either very animated in person or I possess a calm, cool, and composed demeanor when I want to gain authority and control. People often find me charming, attractive, witty, highly intelligent, and wise. Unfortunately, this is all a fabrication…a carefully plotted out image - it’s not who I feel on the inside. I’ve put on such a solid performance that most of the time I believe it is who I truly am…when in reality I have no idea who I am. I have trouble emphasizing with people. I rarely feel like a real human being and it's difficult for me to FEEL genuine emotions.

Romantic Relationships:
I have been promiscuous throughout my history, although I’ve consciously stopped myself from engaging in extreme impulsivity like I have before. I have also stopped seeing three people at a time like I was accustomed to. I compulsively lie even when it’s unnecessary. I have a problem with infidelity and while sometimes (but rarely), I deeply care about a person, I have no guilt or remorse when I cheat or lie to them. I am currently dating a model/actor, who told me last night that he completely trusts me…and all I could do was smile on the inside and laugh at his foolishness because he has no idea that I slept with my ex-boyfriend two weeks ago (whom I am still manipulating). I have never stopped manipulating people in my life and I am good at attaining what I desire. My main mode of connection with success has always been through men who found me attractive. But, now I am trying hard to gain status through my own merit.
Except, underneath the veneer of competence, control, and charm, I get terrible anxiety in relationships because I don’t know how to control myself when I am close to a person.
Back in May, I trashed my room during an anxiety attack because I thought my now ex-boyfriend had a crush on another girl and I passed out on the floor due to emotional exhaustion.
Rejection is something that I have extreme difficulty dealing with. While I was at a wrap-up party for an upcoming film this summer, I was speaking to a well-known dancer (who approached me first to ask me my name) and I accidentally insulted him by calling him short and he walked away. I tried talking to him again to regain his interest and he brushed me off. It took me nearly two months to get over the rejection. I even called my ex-boyfriend the same night, crying hysterically, and when I finally realized I was being irrational, I lied and told him I was molested so he would find me less crazy.

Friendships:
I have lost friendships because a few friends couldn’t handle my lack of principles and found me too draining and toxic.
I cling to my best friend and she is the only person I ever cling to. I NEVER allow myself to visibly cling to men. In the past I constantly accused her of not caring for me and I loved her so much that it pained me. She has OCPD and has a hard time expressing emotions or showing care for a person. I think this is why I am so obsessed with her.

I pride myself in only my closest friends knowing just how uncontrollable and deceitful I am. For the most part, I have always led people into believing I am a very confident, GOOD girl. That is until they start to talk to me more and figure out otherwise, and when they do, I quickly try to reverse it and try harder to keep up with my façade.
While this is mostly fun to me, it can be very stressful because I have to constantly watch myself. I just don’t know how to be otherwise.

Family Life:
I have a tumultuous relationship with my mother. I tore my family apart two years ago because I accused my mother of cheating on my father when I found condoms (after she openly admitted to me & my sister that she hasn't had sex with my father in five years and that she would be HAPPY for him if he cheated on her). I didn’t have any solid evidence otherwise, but I slandered her and tore apart the family although I did eventually become depressed for half a year. But, I have always had a deep-rooted resentment toward her.
While I emotionally abuse her and I know it is wrong, I justify it with my deep-rooted resentment toward her. During my childhood I have always experienced a vacillating love from my mother – where she would punish me intensely for small things like going on the computer, watching TV, or reading soft-cover books (because she told me only worthy books are hardcover and other crazy things) to rewarding me for other matters which I found confusing. I remember I used to cry all the time because “mommy doesn’t love me.” I do sometimes try to like her, but it's hard to when I resent her for things like brushing it off when I told her my cousin asked me to pretend to have sex with him when I was 3 years old and for constantly physically and emotionally abusing and abandoning me and my sister when we were younger.
I still constantly accuse my mother of not loving me and oftentimes now she will just walk away during an argument. And I will cry and freak out and beg for her to come back. I have near panic attacks where I scream, asking her to tell me she loves me. I told her openly last week that I know she couldn’t possibly like me as person, but she said does (although I think she is lying) and finds me incredibly intelligent and that I am just like her – which made me angry because although she is beuatiful, I see no other good qualities in her such as her constant need to be in the center of attention or her flirtatious nature.
My relationship with my father is easy-going, mainly because he doesn’t talk too much and gives me space – which is exactly what I need from my family. Whenever I tell him my endeavors, he encourages me with ONE thing, EVERY time: “Good. You will succeed because you are very pretty.” My whole life I have only heard I am good for my looks and it paradoxically has been the source of my pain and my pleasure.

--
Sorry for the length, but this has been haunting me and I don’t know who else to reach as I have no insurance at the moment and I can’t afford therapy again.

Hey,

You're being incredibly honest here and that's a very good sign; and you clearly are willing to change your life. At the moment, you could picture yourself as being on a bend in the track (which represents your life). So, you're switching lines as such, from the 'bad' past to the hopeful future. This transition period will involve getting rid of a lot of old stuff (including relationships), but also learning and acquiring new things. you can look at what's happening now with great optimism once you have 'digsted' the past life that you've lived. However, please don't linger too much on the past - What's done really is DONE; and it cannot be changed in any shape or form. However, the future can be changed. You have the power to shape it, and you are clearly ready to make ammends.

There's a new you waiting to burst through... ..so embrace everything new in your life and never revert back to your old self.

Kevin

Hey, thanks for sharing.

Another HPD with a "cold mother". A HPD I know, she is the same. This seems to be a theme. Is the love of their mother what they truly crave?

Chucky wrote:Hey,

You're being incredibly honest here and that's a very good sign; and you clearly are willing to change your life. At the moment, you could picture yourself as being on a bend in the track (which represents your life). So, you're switching lines as such, from the 'bad' past to the hopeful future. This transition period will involve getting rid of a lot of old stuff (including relationships), but also learning and acquiring new things. you can look at what's happening now with great optimism once you have 'digsted' the past life that you've lived. However, please don't linger too much on the past - What's done really is DONE; and it cannot be changed in any shape or form. However, the future can be changed. You have the power to shape it, and you are clearly ready to make ammends.

There's a new you waiting to burst through... ..so embrace everything new in your life and never revert back to your old self.

Kevin

Thank you so much, Kevin. I was expecting a lot of backlash....I really appreciate your encouragement. I AM trying to change and it's been hard because these behavioral changes don't feel natural, but I know I need to keep practicing to improve myself. God bless..

flawless_victory wrote:Hey, thanks for sharing.

Another HPD with a "cold mother". A HPD I know, she is the same. This seems to be a theme. Is the love of their mother what they truly crave?

That's an interesting question. I think a majority of HPDs are so busy trying to not become their mothers that they don't notice they are becoming just like them. I believe a part of implementing these behavioral characteristics in an HPD's life is a type of defense mechanism....to become the predator instead of ever being the victim again (as we have felt victimized by our mothers since an early age). We want love and attention because it's something we've so poorly lacked in our childhood. Nothing ever feels stable or secure, and since a mother's love is supposed to be unconditional and stable, experiencing extreme CONDITIONAL love since the first moment you can remember really messes with your head and entire outlook.

It sucks having HPD... we're so dysfunctional =[ but I guess we can be helped...

I enjoyed reading your mail the_fountainhead. I am reading about HPD, BPD, NPD and AsPD and how they influence all of us. It is scary. I like the way you looked at yourself, may be if you want, you can be cured. I hear that many of HPD/BPDs donot want to go through the psychoanalysis, they donot want to look at themselves.

There is this girl whom I suspect is HPD. I still like her as a person. It does seem to me that she cared. I would never know.

the_fountainhead wrote:
Thank you so much, Kevin. I was expecting a lot of backlash....I really appreciate your encouragement. I AM trying to change and it's been hard because these behavioral changes don't feel natural, but I know I need to keep practicing to improve myself. God bless..

You're welcome, and it's perfectly okay for everything to feel so unnatural right now. After all, when have you ever been in such a situation before as the one you are in now? take things easy and don't get too far ahead of yourself. You might take the wrong path occasionally, so know when to backtrack and say 'no' when saying 'no' is best.

Kevin

dilornodil wrote:I enjoyed reading your mail the_fountainhead. I am reading about HPD, BPD, NPD and AsPD and how they influence all of us. It is scary. I like the way you looked at yourself, may be if you want, you can be cured. I hear that many of HPD/BPDs donot want to go through the psychoanalysis, they donot want to look at themselves.

There is this girl whom I suspect is HPD. I still like her as a person. It does seem to me that she cared. I would never know.

Thank you dilornodil. I heard that HPDs are highly compatible with narcissists because HPDs will hardly ever lose interest in a person who doesn't fulfill them with the attention and affection they want. I really do hope I can be cured and thank you for the encouragement. I really appreciate it. I am starting to lose my mind though because I am trying so hard to become genuine when all I ever feel is mechanical. And I believe the only reason I am able to reflect on myself like this is because I majored in Psychology in undergraduate. It has done a lot for me...

Chucky wrote:

the_fountainhead wrote:
Thank you so much, Kevin. I was expecting a lot of backlash....I really appreciate your encouragement. I AM trying to change and it's been hard because these behavioral changes don't feel natural, but I know I need to keep practicing to improve myself. God bless..

You're welcome, and it's perfectly okay for everything to feel so unnatural right now. After all, when have you ever been in such a situation before as the one you are in now? take things easy and don't get too far ahead of yourself. You might take the wrong path occasionally, so know when to backtrack and say 'no' when saying 'no' is best.

Kevin

Wow, thank you, Kevin. I will definitely be keeping your words in mind. I have always had a problem with being impulsive and I need to learn to say 'no' to myself.