New here-Mother histrionic?

Hi everyone!

Thanks for this great forum, I'm new to it, but I already got a lot of information from it.

I would like to pose the question if you think my mother is histrionic or not. It's quite difficult to put feelings into words, but I'll give it a try (sorry for my English).

As a child I always believed that everything my mother said or did was right. I guess that's normal for a child. She demanded my respect, which of course I gave her, but she never respected my own personality (and still doesn't). When I would talk to her about the fact that I sometimes have my own thoughts too, she would say : well, you are a child, I'm the parent, there's no respect in that for you...

I must admit my mother never really flirts, unlike many HPD's. But from when I was 13, she made me create relationships with men more than 20 years older then me, telling me how look at them, to flirt with them. Of course, such relationships turned out to nothing and she would be very angry at me then, when such a male dropped me, saying it was all my fault. I guess it were all men she would have picked out for herself, would she have been younger. Perhaps she used me to get closer to them.

The time came I wanted to have a relationship with a man more of my age, whom I chose myself. But she would lie so much about him and make things so difficult for me, that the relationship wouldn't held. So I broke of with the person I loved and wanted to marry, after 3 years. Eventually, I got out, marrying my present husband. She didn't agree with this marriage, so she wouldn't make any arrangements for the wedding. Years later, I spoke to my aunt, who asked me, why I hadden't allowed my mother to sew my weddingdress (God, she lied that about me, to save her face...), and I told her my mother didn't even want to be at my engagement! I believe my mother lies about me and others to fix her own image.

So, my mother doesn't believe she's sexually attractive, but she uses her bad health to get her attention. Of course, she's quite ill at times, but I don't understand her lack of empathy for persons who are ill themselves. I've got my health problems too, but I feel when I talk about them, that she sees them as a threat to her own attention. I thought the most natural person to express some empathy, would be a mother, right? She also hasn't been looking for a job for decades. Of course, she doesn't always feel very well, but if there's some activity she might like, she's got more energy then I. She doens't understand me being tired after work. She demands me to engage in activities with her, even though I'm tired, and she's very upset when I can't, cause I've got work to do round the house or want to sleep. Yes, she's easily bored and needs a constant thrill of adventures and trips.

Don't dare to disagree with her, if you do your in for a bout of anger and perhaps tears. She might produce fake tears too, if needed. She uses quite some cynism when you utter your opinion and makes you feel a fool.

My mother is creative though, and although she started a lot of hobbies without finishing them, she now carries on with painting.

My mother is very generous, giving lots of money or stuff, but it gives me the feeling as if she buys your loyalty. In fact her parents would do the same.

At this moment I try to brake free from her opinions and try to live my own live, although I meet her regularly. But I still feel her influence. I even don't dare to have children because of her, because I know she wil impose her opinions upon me about child-rearing.

To save my own personality, it's important for me to know what this disorder might be, so I would know how to react. She would never want to go to a psychologist, because there couldn't be something wrong with her. She's perfect...

I hope you can help me with that,

Thanks in advance

Hi,

To be honest with you, I don't see any inclination that she has HPD. If anything, she has just come to assume the symptoms of it, but it was never really 'there' in the first place. I'd like to hear about what her own youth was like though, and basically what her parents were like. I don't like viewing people as having been born one way or another - I see it that everyone is 'made' into who they are. As a child, who they become as an adult is greatly dependent on their parents. So - yeh - I'd like to hear about what your mother's life was like as she grew up.

That aside, it seems like she did indeed make the mistake of thinking that she could mould you into herself, basically, and assumed wrongly that you liked the same things as she. I think that there are logical explanations for the way she behaved though.

Kevin

She sounds very controlling and trying to vicariously re-live the youth she wishes she had. I don't think that sounds particularly histrionic though - some parts yes, for instance the faked tears and the rage if you disagree with her. Otherwise, though, I'd think if she were histrionic she'd be raging at you for being able to attract guys' attention, rather than encouraging it.

Is it possible to be 'HPD by proxy' in a similar sense to the way Munchausen by proxy works? She's seeking attention for you, so that she gets some as well?

Thanks for your replies!

As for my grandfather, he could be a nice, adventures dad, but he was a narcist I guess. He was an inventer, highly intelligent and loved to talk about his own achiefments without interruption for hours. As for my grandmother, she wasn't that intelligent, just meekly following her husbands ideas, quite without emotions, too, for when my mother was hurt, she would laugh. My mother had more of a bonding with her dad, but he wasn't quite often at home. Her mother cared more for my mother's sister, and they got to envy each other. They haven't spoken at all to each other for years, but when they do, they always start a terrible fight, my mother perhaps being the worst part. I'm quite ashamed of her outbursts, it's so childish of her, even in public.

My mother very quickly changes emotions, within 5 minutes. When I repeat something she herself said the day before, I know today her reaction will be the opposite, just because today it has become my opinion...

She's quite easy at saying "you're not my daughter anymore", to "let me see you once more, before I disappear out of your life" and then continueing as if nothing really happening. She just gives warnings continuesly, not to dare to think otherwise than she does.

Anyway, she loves bathing in everyone's attention. Many people who don't know her well, say how lucky I am with such a charming , hardworking, empathetic mother. Well, she's like that only when people are around. My mother is very intelligent in her deceiving manners.

She cannot stand any criticism at all, would she be a narcist then, like her father?

You know, I don't care how this is called anyway, I just want to know if there are other people who have the same feelings as I do, and know how to react to this.. Because she seriously influenced my life. I'm 30 now, and I want to form a personallity, since mine was broken since birth.

Thank you all.

By the way, I learned somewhere here on the forum that HPD's don't always think they're sexy. They might draw attention through their (faked) illnesses, too... Am I right?

Hi May,

In my experience(s) - yes - HPDs can sometimes feel so low that they actually hate themselves and don't think that they're sexy. i have a theory on that, which is that they hate the 'truth'. The truth is that they are not happy with some aspect of themselves (be it in body or mind), and so they keep as active as they can. The way that they do this is move around from one person to the next. Once the person they're with gets frustrated in the relationship, the HPD knows that it's time to move on because they simply cannot handle/deal with negativity. The greatest negativity that they run away from, however, is really just inside themselves. This is also why some of them crash and burn occasionally.

Regarding your own mother, it soumds like her youth waas rather built through a competitive atmosphere, which could be why she is quick to change her mind about things and is also 'snappy' towards you. It was probably 'sink or swim' when she was younger, and there was no 'just' floating around (She obviously 'swam' though).

Kevin