A separate forum for victims?

Its an idea I had while reading the responses of people in relation with the "clear rules" topic in the AsPD forum, I thought it concerned not only that forum, but most PD forums so I decided to also post it here.

Psychforums has a problem and often creates needless drama by having people with a certain PD and the victims of people with that PD posting in one forum.

I had cases when someone would make a "I need advice, my situation is so-and-so" post, but then when I posted an honest reply I got a "Go the hell away! Its exactly you antisocial/narcissistic/sociopaths that I don't want to hear from!"
My reaction was usually: "Then why you make this post in the antisocial/narcissistic PD forum of all places?"

I realized the problem - there is no separate place for people with PDs and victims. They post in the very same forums, which leads to unnecessary and unwanted drama and verbal clashes.

The histrionic forum is a great example - histrionics have a lot of issues concerning their disorder (like relationships) that they want, need and should be able to discuss and talk about with one another. HOWEVER the same boards are being used by the victims of histrionics who find exactly such stories to be horrid and triggering.

What is essential for the health of the first group can be inappropriate and triggering for the latter. Same goes for the narcissism and AsPD forums. There is no way to solve this if we keep them all in one forum, otherwise we will be forced to favor one group over the other, and this I think wouldn't be "fair" in relation to the policy of a "support and help" forum.

Having people who suffer from narcissists, histrionics e.t.c. posting in the same forum as victims of people with these very disorders is usually not very constructive. AsPD forum is not that bad in this aspect, but the NPD and HPD forums have seen a lot of fallout.

I think the HPD forum, the NPD forum and the AsPD forum should be for people who actually suffer from these disorders. If victims want to come to these forums, it will be by their own choice and can do it on their own responsibility.

The victims should be given a new forum just for them, something like "Victims of people with PD's" or "Survivors of PD relationships". These way they can have a place of their own, a place they can feel safe in. If people with PD come to that subforum, they will be doing that on their own responsibility acknowledging that they may not be welcome there and that theiir posts and threads may be deleted from that subforum if deemed too cold or insensitive.

Hi, I will have to agree with you. If I had known when researching my own what I thought was a possible PD (no, I haven't ever been diagnosed) that this forum was mainly victims, there would have been no way I probably would have put my self out there to get slammed like I did. And I have discovered I am not 100 percent of any of these disorders, but came from a messed up family so I have multiple issues. I was letting people put me in their own personal "face" of their HPD that they suffered from. That wasn't really right on anyone's part that it is assumed that everyone with tendencies or full blown PDs that they fit every criteria. But either way, I took a lot of heat for what they were wronged by people I don't even know. And at first was not finding it helpful to be here whatsoever. But, a few people with well intentions were posting to me also and try to understand their own HPD that they suffered from and helped me see things that I have done and really how it affected people in my life. As most of my actual actions took place before marriage, I still have the thoughts some in my own mind. so that is what led me here in the first place. If we all know going into a forum that it is for victims or sufferers, that would be helpful to know when to tread lightly and not be able to make such assumptions on everyone else. Thanks for putting this out there. Did you submit the idea to the board admns?

Scarlett1939 wrote:I was letting people put me in their own personal "face" of their HPD that they suffered from. That wasn't really right on anyone's part that it is assumed that everyone with tendencies or full blown PDs that they fit every criteria. But either way, I took a lot of heat for what they were wronged by people I don't even know. And at first was not finding it helpful to be here whatsoever. But, a few people with well intentions were posting to me also and try to understand their own HPD that they suffered from and helped me see things that I have done and really how it affected people in my life.

Thanks for posting. What you describe is exactly why I made this post. I think neither the "PD party" or the "victims party" is really at fault here. Nobody can really tell which of the posts was made by or for victims and which one was made by or for people with PDs. Therefore they are forced to mingle, even in cases when they don't want to.

The victims been through a lot and whe should understand their side of the story - they see a post made by a person with aPD, who might very well resemble or just seem similar to their former tormentor. They naturally get emotional at such a post and may go as far as to insult or otherwise attack the person who made that post, while that person was often just looking for advice with his own problem. Its not the fault of the victim for acting this way.

You have pretty much described the other side of teh coin very well - a person with a PD comes here to share his/her experiences with people who have the same problem and are also looking for help or a solution. Instead they get attacked or bashed by people who they never met, but who for some reason see a part of their bad past in them. If one with a PD gets attacked for apparently "no reason", then he/she may lash out in retaliation, especially if its one of the less stable PDs like borderline. Its also not the fault of the person with a PD for acting this way.

Neither party is at fault, this problem IMHO could be solved by allowing both parties to mingle only when they want to, not force them to do it all the time.

Scarlett1939 wrote:Thanks for putting this out there. Did you submit the idea to the board admns?

I notified Chucky in a PM about these posts (I made this post in several other PD subforums), so the admins will at least take a look in this.

Right now we are not adding anymore forums to the site.

I started replying to your post on the borderline forum and then found this more-active duplicate.

If there needed to be separate forums for survivors vs. people with PDs, I would expect it to be more so that PD'd posters could discuss their problems without angry vitriol from bitter victims. I know here on the HPD forum the average "Hi, I've just been diagnosed with HPD, help me get better" poster stays about two weeks before being chased off by victims telling them that they're subhuman monsters with no conscience or morals and that they can go rot in hell.

If someone has a deep-seated psychological problem, then it may (or may not ) be appropriate to treat them with a bit of consideration, but if survivors here are claiming to be mentally and emotionally healthy people (probably barring some PTSD), then they should be able to read and reply to posters with PDs in a mature and civilised manner.

Regardless, I can see why you've got a good case for such a forum (hurt / traumatised victims could commiserate and trade war stories without interruption, while PD sufferers could discuss their problems without being attacked) but I can also see why they don't want to add yet more forums to this already expansive board.

Sabratha,

I do agree that it swings both ways and helps no one when there is lashing out or bashing from either side. HPDs are known for being on the defensive and being in denial so if they feel they are "under attack" that is only going fuel that fire. And we all don't even know each other outside of this board, and if I wouldn't talk that way to someone to their face, I am sure not going to come on a board and talk that way.

Being civil is the key. There are several that have tactfuly(even though they were brutally honest with no sugar coating) have told me their personal situations of being hurt by HPDs and that only reassures me that I have made a big turn around years ago and am not the same as I used to be. I don't want to be afraid of growing old. I want to be a healthy happy old woman with many grandkids to call me grandma, and not have any aching or dysfunction inside. That is why I am here.

I just hope that vicitms can realize it too and be more tactful and that the few HPDs around aren't afraid to post. Tattered has the best way of putting his hurt out there so he can work through his marriage. I am very proud of him, even though I don't even know him, because my husband stuck by me when I didn't even know what to do with my feelings and was still a kid when we married and it has worked out for us. Just my thoughts, but thank you for this thread and I see that they said they would not be adding a new forum to the board, but it was still a good thought.