interesting

i told my story here a long time ago wondering what was wrong and some people said it was one of the worst cases theyve heard of. they said it seemed like she was histrionic with borderline tendencies.. she does have the abondomnent, and revenge, manipulation, attention seeking, etc. she is unlike other hpds. in that she seems to know a lot about herself and is conscious of what is going on but pretends to be a victim.. she said if she didnt love me and just wanted to use me she wouldnt educate me (telling me about her).. a lot of time it is indirect and not straightforward the way she admits things.. i think this is so i can't use it against her later because she can deny it. anyways she has always needed the attention from other guys, and has guys lined up to marry her if things didnt work out with us which she made sure happened.. but whats wierd is that she has been also chasing me since january. she will apologize and admit she was wrong but it only lasts a little while before she gets back to blaming it on me and repeating the same things she apologized for. she says one of our problems is that when i get stressed i need time to myself and when she is stressed is when she needs me the most, and she feels abandoned and that im never there when she needs me. the problem is she will make emergencies up when i truly am trying to calm down, and then it is held against me forever that i wasnt there. she likes to be hurt physically when she feels bad about herself because she thinks she deserves it.. ive seen her bang her head on a wall and give herself a concussion and mess up vision in her eye because she feels its an escape from her emotional pain. then she went in the bathroom and scratched deep cuts into her legs. she feels like she gets filled with pain and rage sometimes and turns into the devil and just wants me to feel how she feels. what is wierd is that she explains everything to me.. once she made it a point to tell me a guy offered her $700 for sex and another would buy her a house just to eat her out. she would get a taxi to drop her off at my work, house, or bar.. to come ask me whats wrong after she did something horrible to me, whenever i need to be alone she comes and if i take her home she will argue and blame and refuse to get out of the car and make a scene for the whole neighborhood, leaving me tired stressed and want to just sleep there instead of going home and getting her punishments for going home. if i didnt take her home she would walk miles, often hitchhiking with guys and telling me about it later, then tell us about how she had blisters on her feet. she met one guy when she was walking home crying and he thought she looked like an angel, she began seeing him after that.. and i know because she told me, knowing full well i didnt want to know.. anyways she has educated me a lot about her and knows and seems to feel really bad about things.. she says she wants a family and doesnt want to raise the kids alone. i really like her daughter and me and her have a 1 month old boy now. thats a story in it's self but not for now.. a few things she has said to me have been very interesting.. when we met i talked to her about brainwashing because ive seen people use techniques, she said "she must have had really low self esteem to do that" it was a little bit of foreshadowing i think.. shes also said recently "you tell me i need to learn to love myself . what would you do if no matter what you did you never liked yourself?" she has also told me she is a narcissistic sociopath and that i am too, and because of that we are able to love each other. i dont think i was, but i think thats the only way i could be with her, if i saw her as nothing important and was emotionally disconnected. once i replied to her by saying "so you want to be loved but not love in return because you're afraid?" and she actually said "you're exactly right" .. she also does projection often, sometimes i think its in anger and other times when she's calm it seems like she's trying to tell me something about herself.. times she has projected to me i think were when she called me a cold hearted monster, said i was using her, said i dont love anybody, said im a player, said that i pick on weak people with problems.. she could have been worse to me, and was also better to me than anyone else in a lot of ways, she is very loyal and will almost do anything for me. its just that shes so self centered and the way she gets revenge is very destructive and hard to recover from.. and if you need time to yourself to recover she feels abandoned and you will be punished for that, it is very confusing but an interesting puzzle to me but it often feels like playing with fire. this has been especially been hard since she was pregnant, i would go to the hispital to see her and she would flirt with doctors in front of me.. if she was honest i wouldnt have cared who she flirted with really but she chose to portray a different person, i guess that was to get me to fall in love, did she just have a low self esteem and really wanted my love? hard to tell because she takes pride in being an evil bitch and being able to make boys cry.. it'd be a lot easier without the kid.. she has often threatened to sue me for 18 years and have fun with the money. played a song for me by otep::

Was I just your surrogate?
Was I your revenge?
I... have... no regrets... yet
I... have... no regrets...

You'll wish we never took this ride...
You made me do this, you made me do this, you made me
I wish I was afraid of suicide,
Long ago before I died
We should never be this high
I wish I was afraid of suicide

Once was I... made of glass,
Long ago, before I cracked...
Once was I... made of glass,
Long ago... before I cracked...
YOU MADE ME DO THIS

I just can't forget
The blood,
The stitches,
The bite marks,
The kisses,
The glass memories reflecting back
The suffocating block,
Ill milk of regret
Just smile and pretend
we never mattered it anyway
Smile and pretend,
we never mattered anyway

You'll wish we never took this..

I'm starving,
I'm starving...
I'm starving for affection
Your heart is made of ash
And you were just a face to me,
A sacrificial lamb
Rejection, Revenge
Deception, Dimense
I might be going down in flames,

But you will burn with me
You'll wish we never took this ride

I just can't forget
The blood,
The stitches,
The bite marks,
The kisses,
The glass memories reflecting back
The suffocating black,
Ill milk of regret
Just smile and breathe,
Tell them: we never mattered anyway

..no one will know

This is the perfect place
To hide the crime and burn the remains...
I was so naive
I refused to feed
Waiting for you to notice me
I was so naive
I refused to feed
Waiting for you...

LIKE A LOVESICK ANOREXIC

I just can't forget
The love you twisted
The lies you enlisted
The killers quietly beat me down
I hope you drown in this $#%^ milk or regret
I WON'T F**KING FORGET

I hope you drown while you're world is burning down
I hope you drown while you're world is burning down

...the whole world is burning
...your whole world is burning
...your whole world is burning
...your whole world is burning down

she said that song displays how she feels when shes mad at me..

also she played this love by pantera which says things like "i said i loved but i lied" and "you made me so unhappy, love was twisted and pointed at you" she would also sing A.D.I.D.A.S. by korn which was kind of alarming when we were in her classroom at the school she worked at. well i just wanted to ramble random thoughs.. im curious what you guys have to say about that question she asked me : what would you do if no matter what you did you never liked yourself"

she also said she loves me no matter what i do and will always be there if i need her. if i call she always answers and will put me before other guys.. she might have someone beat her up, so she can feel like shes helpless and a victim of the sex that happens after and she has been punished for her sins, even though she says she likes pain so i dont see how its punishment.. she once told me i will never understand her and thats probably right. she says we are all alone in our minds and cant relate to each other

I strongly suggest that you get a PI to record the way she acts, then sue for custody of the kids, and get the hell out. I can easily see everyone in that situation getting hurt, and even if you're willing to put up with it, it is in no way fair for the kids that they have to.

As for your question? Figure out what exactly it is that I can't like, and either fix it, or learn to accept it.

She sounds alot like me, or at least my behavior.
As much as we would hate to admit it, it is a game, your reaction is the prize. The bigger the reaction, the better the prize, the more bounderies we push, and the better we feel.