Finally out, but not celebrating?

OK, this post is only marginally about HPD and I apologize for that...

As a summary, if you're not familiar, I left my HPD husband about 6 months ago. there are still a lot of legal issues in play, forcing me to maintain periodic contact (as mentioned in my last post). Until recently, I had been living with family and feeling like my whole life was on hold.

Well, I just got my own place and I've now been on my own for a week. I am living in the same town but a different part of it, so I no longer worry about running into him or 'his people' in public as much. So far, he doesn't know where I live, and I'm trying to keep it that way.

So if I'm finally out and finally free, why am I doing so poorly? I am more depressed and generally yucky than I've been since day 1 moving out. At first I thought it was the other stuff (from the other post) which was occuring simultaneously, but as this feeling drags on, i'm thinking maybe not. This weekend was especially bad. I used to enjoy living alone, before marriage. I just wish I understood why, when I finally reach this great milestone and should be really proud of myself, I don't feel like celebrating at all?

caro

Hey first off congrats on getting your own place

Secondly, the down feelings that your expeiencing are quite normal. I went through them myself when I was first back on my own. It is to be expected considering the nightmare that you have and to a degree still are going through. In time these feelings do lift. As you begin rebuilding your life there will be a slow fade of these feelings being replaced by newer healthier ones.

Get your local supports in place (family, friends, therapist ect) and look for ways to improve your life.

One of the first things I did was join a gym. The endorphins alone was worth it. While I was increasingly happy that I was getting back in good shape I met some people there who have become good friends today. It is amazing when one door closes how others truly do open...with good patience you will get there and feel good again

Hugs

PTSD?

Seriously, from what I heard, you've been going through a hell of a time. On top of that, as annoying as family can be sometimes, while you were living with them you were forced into constant contact with a loving support group that you knew was there for you.

All that's changed at this point is you're more distant from some of your support. This isn't the end of anything, merely the beginning, and we all know beginnings are hard. Instead of celebrating, your job right now needs to be filling the new empty spaces in your life with the kind of things you desire.

Honestly, when I first saw this thread I thought it was going to be that your divorce was finalized, and you never needed to see your ex again. When that happens you'll be "finally out" and can "celebrate." Until then it's just about building a new life the best that you can, so you'll have something to celebrate about. Building things is always harder then destroying things, but the end is also a lot more rewarding.

It's also a lot harder sometimes to judge your progress when building such insubstantial things as a life. To do that, I suggest you remember this time, and this feeling. Imprint it deeply in your mind. Then, a few years from now, look back to this point. When you compare how you're doing at that time to now, you'll be amazed at the difference. I should warn you now though, that you're still not going to want to celebrate. Instead, I expect you'll give a little sigh, gain a little smile, and treasure those things you're gained since this time even more.

In case you can't tell, a lot of the stuff I've been saying to you has been towards the goal of cheering you up, and shifting your focus. Remember this, even if you dismiss everything else I say to you: You're ex is a part of a different life, and has nothing to do with you any more. As such his only power to hurt or help you is what you chose to give him from this point on.

Forget celebrating. You've just turned a corner. Instead start getting to work. You're laying the foundations for a new life as we speak. Where you go from here is completely dependent on the work you're doing right now. Build the foundations of your new life deep and strong, and the sky is the limit. Enjoy yourself, but never lose sight of your new goals.

EDIT: Damn it! I wanted first post! >_>

Balderdash, you took the PTSD phrase right out of my mouth.

caro, I agree with Mywave about the endorphins. If you can't join a gym, then perhaps a walking DVD may help (Leslie Sansone has an excellent one).

If you feel as if you need it, ask your MD to prescribe a mild anit-depressent just to get you through. Also, remind yourself that you are working your plan. Moving on your own is a major step and you should be proud to have accomplished it.

There was an episode of the X-Files ('Field Trip') where (spoiler alert if you for some reason haven't seen it and are watching the back catalog in order) they spend the episode in increasingly nonsensical scenarios. There's no continuity or stable sequence of events. Finally they discover that there's this giant underground fungus thing that exudes a powerful psychotropic substance to subdue animals (and humans) while it digests them. Kind of like a cross between a magic mushroom and a pitcher plant. The whole episode, they've been underground encased in fungus that's been slowly digesting them, and all the weird events were their hallucinations.

You've been in a similar situation. You were sucked under by your ex, and he was in the process of absorbing all that was good and nutritious from your life. Meanwhile, your mind was off in the fantasy land that he'd created for you, where it was all good and everything was perfect except for the times when it wasn't. Then you woke up, you were underground in the dark, hurting and covered in slime. You've fought your way free, you're back in the sunlight, but emotionally you're still covered in his slime. It'll take a long while, I imagine, to wash the funny smell off.

Also, as you say, you've felt 'on hold' for the last six months. That's been holding you back but it's also protected you in some ways from having to acknowledge the finality of it all. Now you finally CAN move on, the backlog of emotions is still there to process. Give it time, have friends over a lot. Illegitimi non carborundum!

TatteredKnight wrote:There was an episode of the X-Files ('Field Trip') where (spoiler alert if you for some reason haven't seen it and are watching the back catalog in order) they spend the episode in increasingly nonsensical scenarios. There's no continuity or stable sequence of events. Finally they discover that there's this giant underground fungus thing that exudes a powerful psychotropic substance to subdue animals (and humans) while it digests them. Kind of like a cross between a magic mushroom and a pitcher plant. The whole episode, they've been underground encased in fungus that's been slowly digesting them, and all the weird events were their hallucinations.

You've been in a similar situation. You were sucked under by your ex, and he was in the process of absorbing all that was good and nutritious from your life. Meanwhile, your mind was off in the fantasy land that he'd created for you, where it was all good and everything was perfect except for the times when it wasn't. Then you woke up, you were underground in the dark, hurting and covered in slime. You've fought your way free, you're back in the sunlight, but emotionally you're still covered in his slime. It'll take a long while, I imagine, to wash the funny smell off.

Tatteredknight - you are a gem, i love the analagy. This post wasnt written for me but when i read it it bought an instant emotional reflexive action and a tear (or 2) to my eye as you are so insightful, eloquent and spot on. These HPDs are F**ked up dangerous individuals. And life is sometimes not fair. There isnt anymore to it than that I guess.