Let me share my story with you

Hi guys,

I'm new to this very good forum. This part of the forum is one of the most active, that really means how HPD is frequent problem, eventhough it's pretty unknow. And I would like to share with you my story with a HPD lady. I know she is HPD, since I'm a mental health professional, beeing a psychologist.
So, I met this girl one year ago, while in vacations in the US. She is a very pretty, stylish girl. She works in fashion. Plus she was very nice and mellow. She was interrested in me, we started something, slept together etc. I thought "wow, I won the lottery!". She got out of a seven years relationship some month before, but she said "was over him way before". That was indeed the greatest occasion I have had in years. A hot girl, dressing sexy, single and interrested in me. When i had to come back home we decidedto keep in touch, to start an exclusive relationship. She was all so emotional, crying a few days before I left. She was like "promise me you won't get other girls when you are back home". We even exchanged "I love you". I was really happy to be with this girl, bc she seemed so loving, so nice. I was confident that even if I lived far away we would make it work out.
Then we were in touch with each other everyday, phone, skype whatever. It was hours on week ends. We were sharing everything from our lifes. We had endless conversations. She was always telling me how much she loved me, and how sad she was that i was far away.
I don't know why at some point I started to have this strange feeling, probably with good sense, that this was kind of "too good to be true". I was beeing doubtful that a cute girl, dressing nice, sometimes a bit provocant, that was going out to bars with her best friend that is a single girl, would be waiting for me. I was picturing tons of guys coming up to her, and her beeing hesitant of course. Wouldn't it be just human after all to be tempted?
I talked to her about this concern, and she told me that she felt the same concern about me hooking up with other girls. But she said she never cheated on her ex, and would never do that to me. Sometimes she was telling me her nights out, how some guys where coming up to her, but she "turned them down", looked creepy, or were gay.
But as time went by, I rememberred that when I met her, she told that, smiling, that she flirted with guys sometimes. Then I decided to go thereto visit her. But I woas planning to ficheck if my concerns were true , or if it was just me beeing unsecure. I stayed with her for one week. We were all happy to see each other again I was really into that girl and ready to get very serious with her, and she said she was willing to as well. But I needed to make sure I wasn't beeing fooled. One, day while she was one the shower, i said that i needed to send a few emails to friends. I used her laptop, and took advantage to have a snoopy look at facebook, I don't like to do it but sometimes that's the only way for you to check the scene. And then I found a message from her to her best friend telling her how my visit was going. It was about me. She was saying "He's a great guy, I really like him, but i found out that i'm still in love with my ex, his face always keep coming to my mind. I think i'm not ready for this."... My jaw came down... Wow. She was only saying "liking me", never "loving" as she was saying when she was with me. I got really pissed, bc she told me, she was done with it, and over it. I kept looking at stuff, and i saw that she wrote on the wall of a guy she met at a bar, supposed to be "gay",that she told me invited to dinner, on her words just for friendship, since he was gay. She wrote "sup sexy". His profile was clearly sayoing he was straight though....
Furthermore, when i left the previous time, we had 5 condoms left. I memorized it as a test for the future. This time, she had a new full 12 box, the other 5 condoms had disapear. I thought it was strange and confronted her about it. She said "Are you crazy? I haven't slept with anyone else, you don't know how much I love you, I would never do such a thing."
I couldn't confront her for the rest since I have been snooping.
I came home, very confused. I didn't what to think about it. I started slowing down. Many people would just have stopped it. But I thought maybe she just needs time to get over her ex, after all a 7 year relationship cannot be forgotten so fast. I blamed the distance etcYour always more indulgent when the chick looks fine I guess...
We kept on talking. Then she decided to come visit me. Then again, the 12 condoms left (since se weren't using them anymore) were only 6...I took adantage to look at other stuff of her like her phone and saw text messages to her ex bc, he wants her back, that he loved her, she said she loved him, even if it was hard bc she was with someone else now but that she couldn't move forward with me bc of him. She said "i"ll always
let a door open for you to come back.
One night we hung out with a guy living in my city that have working with her for one month or two. Before that guy showed up she was giving me attention, holding my hand. As soon as that guy showed up, she was
ignoring me, stopped holding with hand, walking next to him, laughing and smiling at that guy, that was flirting back with her right upon my face.
In her work email account I found she was sent an email to this guy that was working with her, and dating one girl she was kind of friends with from that same compay. She told me before that guy liked her, but she wouldn't never do anything, even though her friend was jealous about it and stupid about it, and stopped hanging out with her bc she thought she was flirting with him. She wrote "eat me", he replied turning her down, then she said
"I don't think we are right for each other since we can't be honest, I want a honest, open relationship", the guy said "u bloew it, u found another boyfriend" she goes "no i didn't, i was just to make u jealous". This conversation was from a few month before.
I confronted her about her ex, the condoms disapearing, that guy. All she said is "you don't understand, I've been with my ex for so long, when I say i love you, is i love you like my brother". About the eat me thing she said "eat me is an american expression means "###$ you", he has a girlfriend, i was just joking, he 's just a friend." about the condoms "you don't remember i bought those with you, you just don't remember how many were left".
ONce she admitted that she had, while with her ex problems with one girlfriend of his ex friend. She though she was flirting with her boyfriend, he wwrote her calling name like "whore". But then again she said she was jealous and paranoid.
Everything I thought about her was nothing but #######4. She just likes guy's attention, sleeps with whoever, has no moral avoiding her to get what she craves. She reminds me of a junky craving for a dose a heroin.
She never admits anything. I would bust her in bed with someone else, she would still say that it is not what I think, and provide a #######5 excuse. Bc yea, she loes about anything, so bad, that sometimes it becomes ridiculous bc nobody believes her. Always exagerate everything. Too bad it happened to me, made me lose time, money , expectations...

Hi,

You've come here to give your story and get all of that frustration out - which is good - but what's even better is that you seem to know/understand that you have to move on and leave this girl in the past. Imagine you far far ahead of her in life, while she continues to lurk in this dark, murky world that you quite frankly don't wish to be part of. You've tasted it but it wasn't for you, and now you must never go back. It's strange but we've been getting a lot of guys posting here recently who are in the same boat as you. I'm in the same boat too, but my HPD encounter was longer ago than most other guys here. I look back upon it positively though - you know that? I learned that I don't want to go out with a girl like that. So, if I meet one again, I'll know to just say 'no' to her.

Kevin

Considering your profession as a psych I would say you realized her true colours pretty late. So love really makes you blind, eh?

I am one of those newbies who joined recently. It speaks volumes about women like this when even a professional is catapulted into a mind-..ck situation of this sort. Sometimes I believe that a good-looking woman going after an average guy should be a red flag in itself, unless the male in question is a very powerful man. People, we all meet our equals in life, be it at work, in relationships, or in the places in which we vacation; if we are good guys, we will meet good women who may not look like magazine models, but who will support us through life and turbulent times. In my case, the woman was pretty, yet she became "a fox" upon me dealing with her on a a few occasions. My friends tell me that it is all in my head (photos available upon request). In the end, we should be thankful that we did not end up meddling with these types as long as some other people in these forums. I know that It is hard to let go, so I will not be one of those who say "move on." It is hard to move on, especially after falling in love with ourselves in some bizarre manner.

If I learned anything from this experience, it is that life is a sequence of connections and cirumstances. In our case, we took a wrong turn and ended up dealing with someone who rattled our emotions through a few pivotal moments. By now, we should know ourselves and the things that make us happy. Let us use those things in recapturing our lives as they were before we strayed. It is so hard, I know. And I did not even sleep with anyone...

Cirvante wrote:Considering your profession as a psych I would say you realized her true colours pretty late. So love really makes you blind, eh?

The section titled Management of the Interview in 'The psychiatric interview in clinical practice' is all about how difficult it is for the therapist to avoid entanglement in the patient's scenes, and that's in the context of "I am a therapist and you are a patient whose responses will likely be manipulative". If you're off guard, and expecting your opposite party to be dealing honestly with you, it's even easier for them.

In fact, I seem to recall reading that early on, HPD often wasn't suspected until male and female staff at the institution compared notes on the patient and found that their experience of the patient varied wildly, with members of the opposite sex thinking she was very compliant and amenable and members of the same sex not being so charitable.

Cirvante wrote:Considering your profession as a psych I would say you realized her true colours pretty late. So love really makes you blind, eh?

Really, it has nothing to do with "love being blind", which to me, sounds like a cliched victim blaming statement.

What it's really about is how cunning, manipulative, and oh-so totally conniving and convincing and clever a PD'd person can be. Don't lay the blame for being conned at the victims feet, mate. Keep the responsibility where it firmly belongs, on the shoulders of the person who has behaved badly.

Hi Shivers:
I could not agree with you more. Its all about smoke and mirrors, lies and deception. That gets you into their web and who knows what can happen from there. According to Psychological studies I have read, even highly respected doctors have to consciously put up barriers to protect themselves with HPD. There is a plant called "Glory of the Morning". It's absolutely beautiful to look at, but it grows so fast and wraps itself around anything else living, slowly destroying it. It forever has to have its boundaries pushed back. Well I feel its like this with HPD. They try to wrap themselves around your life and suck on its goodness. You cut them back, and they come again. You constantly have to remind them of "self" and "other" otherwise they merge and become you. However, they merge on their conditions, and I found on the receiving end that this is done insidiously, but with such efficiency that a co-dependency is created. What I mean is that they wrap themselves around our lives so tightly that when they are gone (and they are so unpredictable that you never know when this will happen...), there is a great feel of loss and emptiness. Then they come and they go, and rain excuses and "i've changed's" when they're back, to leave again, and so you are progressively weakened and your internal compasses loose your "North" and you are lost, dependent and low. It was the best thing I ever did I to find the strength to say to my "X", "its over, and this time really over..."! And i stuck to it, showing all the consistency that she did not have... !

I can fully relate to Benefica been thrown off as a Psychological professional, after all he was starting up a love relationship, not treating a patient! That his intuitions said "orange light" (something smells strange) and his discoveries lead him to a "red light" (she's wrotten) so early on I think is great. I have to confess that my intuitions warned me early on too that something stank, and fairly early on, I even caught her red handed in a very compromising situation (she ran off into the bushes when this happened leaving me with the other guy, how embarassing... ), but she seemed so sincere, honest, and full of good excuses that I let it ride! God if I'd only known what what was waiting for me further down the line !!!!

It is great that some new people are finding this forum for support! Being on the receiving end of their heartless treatment is so painful, and trying to reason with them directly and explain this gets one absolutely no where nice (in fact you just dig a deeper hole for yourself, they get validation because they have proof with that that they are still the centre of your now "crumbled" world...). There is also a question of reasoning with yourself. One of the hardest things for me to reconciliate was myself. I was so angry not to have listened to my own self-protection warnings.

So Benefica, you did right to came here and let it all out. Its the place to do it. Don't go near her with a barge pole, you'll never win with her and she likely won't change any time soon. For the future and her I recommend distance, no contact and total indifference (shall protect you and is like garlic to a vampire to them... ). Don't reply to emails, nor telephone calls, nor any other attempt at communication. In my experience the only long-term protection is to completely cut off such a poisonous girl from your life.

Regards,
Musician

shivers wrote:

Cirvante wrote:Considering your profession as a psych I would say you realized her true colours pretty late. So love really makes you blind, eh?

Really, it has nothing to do with "love being blind", which to me, sounds like a cliched victim blaming statement.

What it's really about is how cunning, manipulative, and oh-so totally conniving and convincing and clever a PD'd person can be. Don't lay the blame for being conned at the victims feet, mate. Keep the responsibility where it firmly belongs, on the shoulders of the person who has behaved badly.

Oh yes, the victim has no fault, never. He was deceived and couldn't do anything about it, because he would never expect a person who is interested in him to have a personality disorder. I mean, that's so unrealistic. And especially as a psych he would never try to analyze the people he interacts with.

I think the responsibility lies on both their shoulders, because he let himself be deceived and she deceived him. And yes, I can imagine how clever and convincing PD'd persons can be, seeing as I am schizoid myself. But I try hard to hide my true colours whereas a histrionic wouldn't really have a reason to do so.

You guys all realise that the OP hasn't had a chance to reply yet? Just hang back a bit and give him/her a chance to catch up with what you're all writing. I don't frequent this HPD forum much but I answer any thread that goes unanswered at the end of the day, such as this one did yesterday.

Kevin

CirvanteI wrote: think the responsibility lies on both their shoulders, because he let himself be deceived and she deceived him. And yes, I can imagine how clever and convincing PD'd persons can be, seeing as I am schizoid myself. But I try hard to hide my true colours whereas a histrionic wouldn't really have a reason to do so.

Did he really lead himself to be deceived or was it more he chose to trust that person as being authentic?

Don't kid yourself, the HPD is always looking for ways to hide their true colors....not only from the people they abusively deceive, but also from themsleves. I can't blame them there. I wouldn't want to look in the mirror if I was HPD