What I wish was VS WHAT IS

I am about 18-19 months removed from my HPD and I will tell you where I am with it all....

I have been on the 'road to healing' for a good while now. I am now in a place where I am over the worse of the experience with my ex-hpd. There are many reasons why healing from this type of abusive relationship takes time. One of them is simply because the greatest loss known to human kind is loss by deception. It leaves a whopping case of PTSD that takes several months if not longer to fully heal from. It robs us a bit of our innocence not to mention re-learning how to trust again...

Recovery, I think, is a point on a continuum that goes from “Utter Devastation to Recovery.” I have passed the 3-quarter's point on that continuum from the point of “utter devastation” from which I found myself after the death of my HPD relationship and the smear campaign/ coordinated and serial attacks that she tried to continue on with. If she couldn't have me then she was aiming for the death of me and I REFUSE....absolutely refuse to allow her any chance or access for that to happen

THIS IS KEY: I now find myself firmly at a place on the Road to Healing/Recovery where I have reached the milestone of Acceptance of WHAT IS, and no longer pine and grieve over WHAT I WISH WAS. I am no longer feeling the acute pain of grief, I am no longer angry , I no longer wish her harm. I don’t trust an HPD and never will, of course, nor would I break no contact with them, but the worst of the horrible emotions I felt upon discovering their betrayal are no longer afflicting me. I am closer to Healing and Recovery than I am to the Utter Devastation.

So, how is my life different now than it was when I was feeling the acute grief of the devastation? The facts haven’t changed at all. My attitude about “what is” has changed. I am no longer depressed about the people I have “lost” and I am no longer depressed about the things I have lost. I am accepting of these losses as real. I am accepting that it hurt to lose these things that I thought were REAL, or the things that were mine.

I no longer hinge my self upon what this HPD thinks of me or my surviving need to flee. I no longer blame myself. I am able to place the blame where it belongs, on the HPD who went out of her way to hurt me.

I am now fully able to tell my story (debrief) to people who believed IN ME, and even people who needed to be educated. I processed through the grieving; the denial, the anger, the sadness, the bargaining, and on to acceptance. I worked through my obsession with what had happened in my life. I learned to appropriately place blame where it belonged, and to deshame myself for allowing what happened to happen. I realize that I was conned, in this case, for a very long time, by a woman I trusted. I learned that because I am a good and trusting person, I tended to trust others who I thought, wrongly as it turned out, were trust

I have learned to reframe what happened in light of what I have learned. I have learned that giving my full trust will not be soured by this experience. Rather it will be tempered with a dose of seeing if that person walks the walk as they say. I refuse to allow this hard experience to jade or isolate me

Because I have gone through these processes in grief and recovery, I am empowered, and realize that I have the new knowledge of new truths that are grounded in reality. I can accept a reality that isn’t what I wish it was, but I can accept it for what it is. The fact that “life is not fair” is a truth. I was treated unfairly, but that no longer defines who I am. I am getting closer and closer each day to Recovery and Healing in spite of what has happened. In fact, because of what has happened to me, I am a stronger, wiser and more knowledgeable person.

Your recovery is an exclusive road reserved for the brave who have faced and processed their pain. Debriefing was the first step. Recovery is the last step, which becomes a lifestyle of skilled problem solving. The veteran now meets and solves problems with honed wisdom, courage, and tools.

I applaud each and every one of you here in your recovery. Remember the best revenge is to live a good and thriving life. If your not there just yet, have faith, it will be well worth it when you get there

be well

Thanks so much Mywave. It's good to see ahead to where I'm (hopefully) headed.

Especially today, as I'm struggling with some trust/abandonment issues with a friend... issues that probably have nothing to do with them at all. And also I'm feeling really sad over the upcoming prospect of letting go of my house and a rather large percentage of its contents.

just what i needed,
caro

Thanks again for your heartfelt advice to those of us who aren't so far along in the process as yourself. You're so right when you say that accepting reality is the first step.

Also, from what I've found, the friends that you've spent the most time around in mutual company with the HPD will have a clearer view of the situation than you'd expect. None of our mutual friends have needed 'debriefing', I've gotten as far as 'I feel she's not treating me right' and they'll jump in with 'yeah, we noticed, months ago'. She's split the people we know into two groups, "my friends" who are the people we've been around as a couple, and "her friends" who she's been talking to online and who've had little to no contact with me. Unsurprisingly, "her friends" are very sympathetic to her because she's fed them a twisted view of the situation at best, and at worst a load of tripe, whereas "my friends" are the ones saying 'we love you, dear, but your behaviour is a mite off'.

MyWave wrote:I learned that because I am a good and trusting person, I tended to trust others who I thought, wrongly as it turned out, were trust[worthy]

So many times she's said that I have 'trust issues' and I've thought "I wouldn't have trust issues if you didn't have trustworthiness issues". You can only choose to trust someone again after lying to you so many times; after that if you don't trust them, it is their fault, not your fault.

**Quote**
"I have been on the 'road to healing' for a good while now. I am now in a place where I am over the worse of the experience with my ex-hpd. There are many reasons why healing from this type of abusive relationship takes time. One of them is simply because the greatest loss known to human kind is loss by deception. It leaves a whopping case of PTSD that takes several months if not longer to fully heal from. It robs us a bit of our innocence not to mention re-learning how to trust again..."

Hi MyWave:
I could not agree with you more. At 38 i was robbed of my innocence. It felt like having been emotionally raped by someone I trust. I have never been raped, but i cannot explain the sensation of the feelings in another way. I felt like a small helpless child facing a monster.

I am glad that you are finding your way. In January 2010 it shall be 4 years since i put a stop to my relationship, and I am still coming to terms with everything that happened and everything that was said. Events between November 2005 and January 2006 brought me as close to self-destruction as I can possibly imagine. I was in the red zone. She and I still work for the same company, and I was horrified earlier this year when my therapist announced to me that she had met my X at a dinner the previous weekend (how the hell can that happen in a region of 800, 000 persons, and why the hell did my therapist tell me anyhow?). I reacted indifferently, but inside I was horrified by a kind of invasion into my most private life. I have since stopped therapy. Then of course there are the times my X just pops up in the oddest places, I mean like not every week, but once every 3 or 6 months over a few days, usually when I have mostly forgotten her and least expect to see her. The last time when I came home from a business trip in Germany 3 weeks ago. The 2 cars that separated us pulled off, and so of course she was left blatantly right behind me. Again I reacted indifferently, and i ignored her presence, but I felt very ill at ease, proweled after in a way. I have changed my route to work, and tomorrow i am getting a new car. I shall do my best that she does not see me in it, despite that we work for the same company, I shall be keeping out of her way. I am frightened for my daughter sometimes. Last week dropping my daughter at the work council for her summer tennis lessons, I came across my X and her new boyfriend (he works for the same company as us too, he works just down the hall from me despite us being 3,000 here) in the main building car park, and she looked at my daughter in such an odd way (I can't describe it other than without any discretion or embarassement, yet totally empty or vacant...). I sometimes ask myself, "what the hell were you thinking of to have gotten involved with that girl?". There were so many signs warning me to leave the relationship early on, and yet through passion and wanting it to work i suppose, I either ignored them, did not attach a proper value to the incident, or too readily forgave. That lead to an escalation over time in her emotional violence towards me, and here I am today still battling with PTSD now, you know from time to time when I see her, because it reminds me she is around, it reminds me that she did not get her way with me, it reminds me of what i know happened in her previous relationships, and as physically strong as I am, I realise that she frightens me. I am not physically frightened of course, but I am emotionally frightened, of her games, where she models the rules and that get out of hand sometimes (I know, I lived 14 months of it in the relationship...).

So MyWave, for me it is still a battle sometimes, but like you I am making progress, sports helped so much, music helped so much, but more than anything else the love and support of my family and friends. I have also one friend who witnessed the relationship directly (through dinner and parties with my X at their place and mine etc...) from start to finish. My friend (a she...) said she observed my X and the interactions of our relationship closely, and at the end when I was heart broken to have to end the relatinship or be destroyed, she was there for me and reassured me that the melt down of the relationship was not due to me. How many lunches I had with her, where i poured my self out, where she listened, where she was honest (and it hurt sometimes...), and where she helped to keep me on the rails during my early days. She has moved back to the states now, but I shall never forget the depth of friendship, support, discretion and choice of words...

I also want to offer my heart felt thanks to some of the people on this board that shared their experiences and offered me support during moments of crisis. Until I found this board, I did not know what HPD was, and I thought I was the only one to have lived the kind of relationship I lived. I thought this because it was all so incoherent that i could not nail down what exactly had happened, nor the mechanisms. There was no logic at all, and i was for the first time in my life lost with life, and lost with myself. I now have the tools to rebuild my my life, that I continue to do every day. Until she pops up here and there and reminds me of the past (whether it be coincidence or on purpose), I keep looking forward and only now from time to time torture myself with the past. I think its the key to recovery, learning about what happened, then accepting it, and then letting it go.

So if i am accepting and letting go, then why am i again on this forum pouring out. Well I am reading a book, "Leave her to Heaven" by "Ben Ames Williams", and the situations actions and reactions resemble so much of what i lived through, that its uncanny. A 150 pages in and the sleepless nights (this book is in fact answering more and more of the questions i had about myself and my X...) I am suffering made me have to make a conscious decision to continue this book till the end, or stop it immediately. I have had to ask myself if I have the strength to handle what this book continues to reveal to me. I have decided I am fine enough now to to continue, despite the sleepless nights that are through my analyses of the events in the book, parallels in my own life, and coming to terms still with events that hurt me so much. No, I am not turning to alcohol, and i am not turning to drugs, i am strong enough to turn to myself and reassure myself now. Even though It is hard for me to read these pages, and even though I cannot sleep well, I want to continue to understand as part of my longer-term healing and search for inner peace, and in order to be able to further forgive and forget. I shall finish off by adding that i hope the opportunity comes along for me to change companies, or that she does it before that happens.

Take care,
Musician

Hi MyWave. I don't like to highlight only one part of an overall excellent post, but -

MyWave wrote:
Because I have gone through these processes in grief and recovery, I am empowered, and realize that I have the new knowledge of new truths that are grounded in reality. I can accept a reality that isn’t what I wish it was, but I can accept it for what it is. The fact that “life is not fair” is a truth. I was treated unfairly, but that no longer defines who I am. I am getting closer and closer each day to Recovery and Healing in spite of what has happened. In fact, because of what has happened to me, I am a stronger, wiser and more knowledgeable person.

Your recovery is an exclusive road reserved for the brave who have faced and processed their pain. Debriefing was the first step. Recovery is the last step, which becomes a lifestyle of skilled problem solving. The veteran now meets and solves problems with honed wisdom, courage, and tools.

I applaud each and every one of you here in your recovery. Remember the best revenge is to live a good and thriving life. If your not there just yet, have faith, it will be well worth it when you get there

be well

That's truthful, insightful and inspiring. And I still enjoy reading such positive and strong accounts of recovery. I guess it's something of a vicarious experience; as is the fact that life's good.

I find it to be quite uncanny to read your thoughts in light of something that ran through my head only moments prior to logging into the computer and the site. I was at the airport picking up my luggage, wishing I could have extended my stay out of town and in the company of all the kind people I met on my short journey. Of course, “she” came to mind. I kept thinking to myself how deceptive she was; I kept feeling that being played and “taken for a ride” is the reason why this story stuck with me (what musician told me in his post is another strong reason). It is now clear from your words that deception makes this punch so much stronger. Indeed, people like her do not play the love game by following the rules. If one wants to play, then at least do so fairly.

I knew deep down that she was deceiving me. On the other hand, it seems that many of you knew this conclusively but were far too involved in the “dance” to back out. Nevertheless, at the time I did not have a tangible reason to try and quit. More importantly, I wanted to believe that all her talk was true. As I may have mentioned, it is quite unbelievable that she did not operate much more smoothly than she did. She could have held on to her insatiable need for attention just a few weeks longer, concealed the other men who were in the picture, avoided the sudden mood switches from sweet to maniacal to tearful to normal in only a half hour, kept her sarcastic commentary at bay, and taken me to bed. If she had done this without planting seeds of doubt, I certainly would have become her little slave, which ultimately is what she wanted. Instead, her behavior instinctively caused me to stop calling and writing to her, as well as stand her up for a scheduled meeting.

After I avoided her for two weeks, she eventually wrote farewell to me along with all her lessons in love and absurd reasons to blame me: immaturity, lack of communication, involvement with my ex, etc. I should not have replied, but instead the hurt I was experiencing caused me to write. From my angry and insulting final e-mails, the woman knows that I did not take this well; she also knows what I think about her, which is not positive. As all of you kindly suggested, this could have gone much worse and I should consider myself to be lucky.

I could have become just another one of her lovers, something she would deny. The interesting thing is that, during her one-and-only tantrum in my presence, she concluded the evening by yelling at me, stating, “I did not sleep with those younger men, but I could have.” This is a statement that came completely out of left field, as I never had discussed these other men or accused her of doing anything. Why go on the defensive toward someone who never attacked or implied anything? Hmm.

Since you bring up the subject of trust, it is interesting that the bitter taste in my mouth did not destroy my ability or willingness to trust someone again. Perhaps the reason is that I did not trust her fully, anyway. However, what it has done is make me less spontaneous and full of life than I was. I still find that I attract women, but my belief that I have something good to offer is not what it used to be. I will attribute this to a diminished self esteem as a result of “not opening up enough,” something she claimed I did not do. Moreover, even though I am available to trust someone again, I now tend to think that a woman has an ulterior motive to be with me. Ultimately, greater cynicism and self doubt is what this story has created in my head. Furthermore, a sense of ambiguity and confusion stays with me. It begs for an answer to the following question: How can someone claim to have such strong feelings and within days blame me for everything under the sun and go with another guy? I know for sure that I could not have slept with another person after this, even if I had been given a free ticket to do so. I believe that this says a lot about who really was committed, despite being accused of the contrary.

MyWave, I think that your example is inspiration to all of us. To a certain degree, I can empathize with you and everyone here who has gone through something like your story. As I mentioned in the past, I cannot imagine how I would feel had I slept with and built more memories with this woman. Unlike you, what I cannot find the strength to do is to tell this story to anyone. I stopped doing it, since my friends think that I have a problem, talking about her after all this time. I apologize for writing all this on your thread. I believe that the issues of trust and deception fell in line with what you are saying.

My Wave, once again you have put many of my thoughts into your eloquent words. I have discovered, over two years out from my relationship with an HPD, that my friends and family are FAR more important to me. This experience also pointed out who my true friends are. Funny how some folks I trusted have turned away from me, and others have become closer to me. The lies, deceit, and trauma inflicted on me are now in the past. I will remember these events and use them to my betterment.

MyWave wrote:I am about 18-19 months removed from my HPD and I will tell you where I am with it all....

I no longer hinge my self upon what this HPD thinks of me or my surviving need to flee. I no longer blame myself. I am able to place the blame where it belongs, on the HPD who went out of her way to hurt me.

I have learned to reframe what happened in light of what I have learned. I have learned that giving my full trust will not be soured by this experience. Rather it will be tempered with a dose of seeing if that person walks the walk as they say. I refuse to allow this hard experience to jade or isolate me

I applaud each and every one of you here in your recovery. Remember the best revenge is to live a good and thriving life. If your not there just yet, have faith, it will be well worth it when you get there

MyWave,
I am glad to hear this. I haven't been posting lately, but I'm damned happy for you. I think you really nailed it on the head with your comment about not letting someone's else's opinion of you impact your own self worth. That is I think the core problem with people who get involved in the HPD drama. I went there and boy was it an eye opening moment for me.

My own experience with an HPD really made me take a good hard look at myself, on the advice of the very kind posters here. I realized that I was enabling these sort of people by basing my own self worth on what others thought of that. I realized I was being taken advantage of, only because I ALLOWED it to happen. One needs to stand for themselves in this sort of world, and I think that's the main point we all need to realize.

Now 18 or so months away from it all, I realize it was the best thing to happen to me. The sad thing is my experience with the HPD made me realize I had a very similar relationship with someone I guess I loved who exhibited some NPD traits. (Ironically she's a Psych Ph.D student!!). It's kinda like calibrating a radar, once you've seen the pattern you'll always recognize it from then on.

Life does go on, and you said it perfectly, the best revenge is to prosper and be well. I am very glad to see you're doing well and I hope others have learned from our mistakes!

-Sam

Musician924 wrote:**Quote**
So if i am accepting and letting go, then why am i again on this forum pouring out. Well I am reading a book, "Leave her to Heaven" by "Ben Ames Williams", and the situations actions and reactions resemble so much of what i lived through, that its uncanny. A 150 pages in and the sleepless nights (this book is in fact answering more and more of the questions i had about myself and my X...) I am suffering made me have to make a conscious decision to continue this book till the end, or stop it immediately. I have had to ask myself if I have the strength to handle what this book continues to reveal to me. I have decided I am fine enough now to to continue, despite the sleepless nights that are through my analyses of the events in the book, parallels in my own life, and coming to terms still with events that hurt me so much. No, I am not turning to alcohol, and i am not turning to drugs, i am strong enough to turn to myself and reassure myself now. Even though It is hard for me to read these pages, and even though I cannot sleep well, I want to continue to understand as part of my longer-term healing and search for inner peace, and in order to be able to further forgive and forget. I shall finish off by adding that i hope the opportunity comes along for me to change companies, or that she does it before that happens.

Take care,
Musician

Musician,
I remember your story well. And I think it's healthy you're verbalizing your feelings. It does no good to internalize, trust me I know from experience. Reflection is tough sometimes, since my dad passed away and I lost my job I've had plenty of time to do just that. It's been tough, but it's probably the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I'm analytic by nature, so it's just all data to me. I've just been going over my journal and the events of the past 18 months or so and looking at what happened from a distanced perspective. Yes, I definitely allowed my self to get used and abused badly, and I was looking through the patterns to understand why. It was enlightening even though at times it was painful.

Whether we like it or not, the events of our life shape who we are. At the same time it's imperative to realize, we're mortal, we make mistakes. It's been tough to find my inner peace as I come to terms with all that's happened. But I realize, it's MY life, I make the rules, and it's MY destiny. It's only my own fault if I let others shape the rules of my own existence.

It gets better with time, and you have done the most important things one can do in this situation.

Thanks everyone for your feedback here. I get so much out of reading your posts. I thank the universe for helping me find this board. Like Harry used to say, long after the HPD it is this board and it's good people that I will remember most...no truer words have ever been spoken.

I had another revelation concerning where I am at in my recovery... I have gotten the feeling that I've finally begun no longer dwell on the HPD aftermath, but really pushing forward in my life. I'm pretty much through trying to understand what happened, and why, and increasingly focused on what I need and want, and tactically, how to make it happen

The spring in my step has returned. I find myself increasingly engaged with people and staying very present focused. I have now felt rekindled with that fire and spark, and am enjoying again in the company of women. While I will never forget the HPD experience, it does now appear firmly in the rearview mirror of my life...more and more out of sight

Our spirit is a wonderful thing. The HPD experience attacks that and in the aftermath makes it feel flat. My spirit has rekindled itself and in some ways feels fuller now. Hardships like this can feel just awful, but the flipside to this is I think I know myself better than I ever have. I also feel extremely grateful, humble, and excited again. I got my life back. I got my fresh canvass and am now looking at which paint is gonna stick with me on my new journey

be well