loving a histrionic

Im fed up with explainations.
My heart is in the toilet again, from the things that you have said on here, and in texts to me tonight.
I have a goal tomorrow, you know, on my list that i write on my fridge for things to do, cos i no longer seem focused.
Its to get to the drs, and get some help.
Im going to do it for me, not for you, or for my ex, or for your ex. they can all get on with their problems, i aint listening to any of them anymore, ive paid too much attention to everyone else the last 2 years, now its time for me.

i just want this all to end and have a normal happy life with you. not one day happy then when i walk out the door you going off on ne again. get help if you really need it. You say i stopped you. Funny your husband didnt want you to leave that didnt stop you.

Want to go to realate i said i would. What happened to that then. I said i was very happy to go so we could get help. The counsellor i saw recommended it for us. I am too. You wanted it. You say you need to speak to someone about are relationship.

You say you need help then lets get it for you. You want me to come and wait outside, inside, away, listen to you, talk to you, what ever you require. But do something please. I dont want another year like this last one. We have a chance. Let's help each other, let's heal together. Lets have a real wonderful life together.

Let me help you then. If you really want to ask questions, then sit infront of me calm and collected and ask. Stay calm and i will answer. For goodness sake allow me to answer. Everytime i start a sentance you are straight in with something else. Thats why i give up.

Trust, i trust you and no other person in this world starz. So dont let me down.

I love you x

I tried,
Dont you think i learn anything? I asked you in a non-accusing manner, what the situ 5 weeks ago was all about.
You backed off at the speed of light as usual.
Gave me some crap about me walking out of where we were, that you would tell me on here, you never did.
So i asked the question on here, now, you brought the conv here, whether it was a joke or not. You have been pretty specific in your answers have you not? Given more detail that you needed to?
Been incredibly defensive???? well im used to that.
Im used to being attacked for my failings, why do you think, i think,
that i need help. WELL I AGREE! You certainly convinced me of that!
Have agreed for a long time. So now im going to get it.
I dont quite understand what your problem is now, that you didnt have yesterday. you had read my postings, but didnt tell me how you felt about them, until tonight on your postings.
You didnt say this stuff either when we were in my bed, did you?
You also didnt say how you felt about me posting on here.

So i guess its all come outta the woodwork tonight, and me needs some time to think.
You cant cope, me neither. Tonight, you have made that much obvious with your get on with it or quit posts.
Notice, i dont make the same demands as you.
Hmmmm

starz
I aint ever said dont get help. You are not the sort of person to ever listen to anyone else either.

Today i have answered. You think i dont trust you and that i trust my ex. That is not true. I dont trust my ex, and i do trust you.

What i said was, that i would like you to write on here something positive about me. Your effort at best was not that good. So then i ask myself, if you can not say it on here but you are saying it to me. What is that.
I can only ascertain that you want to make the anonymous crowd involved with a picture of me that is distorted.
I obviously am a very bad and wicked man. As you said thats why i was in your bed.

I said you should get help when i went to the counsellor, you said the counsellor would then only have a one sided opinion and that was not what you needed, you needed someone to hear both sideds at the same time and respond with help on that. I thought that was a good idea to.

This morning you implied that i only dont reveal stuff to my ex about us because you have told me not to. Rather than no this for myself.
Nah!!! i no this. Just like you have over the last six weeks only learnt to stop sucking your ex in, ~(in my opinion).

Are we both f**ked up. Oh yes. Definitly. But who aint in their lifetime.

Your a good person with a big heart that has been hurt, I stopped hurting you a very longtime ago starz. Time for you to make choices and stand by them (for yourself). Time to heal and enjoy what you have. Time to take a stand o the positive things in your life. See what you have and use that to fill the empty parts.

Take what you want to do for your future. Be it education, work, house wife. Concentrate on these things and put that in order. Ask yourself the simple questions. About where you live how you live.
Do you want to move, stay?
Change it all?
what role do i want in life?
Do i wanna enjoy with jamo, am i better alone?
Simple stuff. That aint complicated. If you no the answers to that, thats one quarter.
Do you no if i love you?
Do you no if i want you?
Do you no how much i care about you?
if you can answer these questions as yes, and you believe this, then that is another quarter sorted.
What you want to do with your life as an individual starz?
If you can answer this then that is 3/4 accomplished.
What do you want to happen with starz and jamo?
Answer that and your life is complete. As complete as it is a normal exsitance with the normal challenges that life will throw at you.

Start that process off. look inward for the answers starz, not outward. You will not find them in me or any other person.
You are the only one that can make everything right inside yourself.
I believe you have the understanding you need, i believe you always had.
I believe you get pissed off when you think about $#%^ like that because i do to, and so does everyone else when they think they are betrayed by the one they love.
Trust. I do trust you. i am sorry i have had issues, but so have you.
You had issues when i met you. You are naive to that fact.

You are my best friend and soulmate starz. I will always be here help you.

Hi
I do believe that I am the sort of person that listens to others. I have taken much of your advice in the past. You yourself have often told me that i can be easily swayed by what others say- like this morning with the college thing. If i can be swayed, then, i guess i must be listening right?? Which am i? Well, i would like to think that i am an understanding person, who can be, at times, naive. Many times in the past, people have pulled the wool over my eyes. I like to believe and try to see the best in people. (As you do) I would like to think that im not bitter, but do know, to a certain extent that i am. In some ways, ive become rather cynical. things have made me that way, whether i like it or not. Such is life eh??
I do believe you trust me, what i understand, is it has taken you many years to do this. I also realise that you had a view of your ex which has only recently been changed. It has taken an awful lot to change your view. I do believe, for me, my initial view of my ex, was far clearer than yours. My code of conduct in the first year, was the correct one. Cruel to be kind. Hard for me to be naturally cruel, but kinder for him in the long run. We are both very forgiving people. We have both overlooked an awful lot of things that have been done to us, by them, to reach an adult perspective with our ex's. If I am honest, i couldnt always understand why you could forgive so much. It made me feel that i was being far harder and far less understanding. If you could do it, then i felt that I had to try to be a bigger person, and do it too. But on the other hand, you were telling me I shouldnt be understanding. God, this was confusing!
I will sit on here and say to you, that, i have told my ex nothing of our relationship or its ups and downs since last August, and the time we split earlier in this year, he had no knowledge as to why.
This was because, i knew full well of the pleasure he would take, and the problems it would cause. And more than anything, i wanted him to realise that it was none of his business who, when why or what, i did anymore.
I have doubted myself in the past. The lack of no longer trusting my own judgment, and being unsure quite who to trust, did wear me down. I have made bad judgment calls because of this i know.
I do feel now, like im getting back on track. The last 6 weeks have been in a way a relief. It is good that so much is now out in the open, and im not sorry that youre ex rang. Better out than in, as we so often say lol! With my ex too, being once again able to trust my instincts, as i did in 2003, I know im on the right path.
I think that it is always a difficult thing to try to have a relationship, when a previous relationship has not been finished. In our case, it has taken you a very long time to let go of that relationship, and also try to stand up against the problems you had and fight instead of run, and in turn, this created doubts in me, and has given my ex time to try and wear me down, when im at my most vunerable. You are right that im not a strong person, but through it all i did try to realise that i had to come to my own conclusions alone. Like you, i could push and push for the truth, but until you were truly ready, it wasnt coming.
I have been deceived, misguided, gullible, naive, downright stupid, confused and at times, at the end of my mental rope. Although most of those feelings have gone away now, I still feel stupid for allowing it to happen. Understanding is helping here, its making me feel better about me, and its making me feel better about the things that have happened.
The help that i seek, is not so much about the things that have happened, but i would like to try to regain some inner-strength. I am scared, that if something happens again that i have to question my instincts on, at this time, im not sure im strong enough or perhaps will still have doubts about myself, and want to be able to stand my ground. I feel that the rug can so easily be pulled from under my feet. I dont feel strong.
As you so aptly and thoughtfully put
You are the only one that can make everything right inside yourself
I know we will get there. I do want to heal. I know that this will take some time. I think the first step for us is to stop talking about the past now, and spend some time focusing on the here and now and have some fun. You are a kind, wonderful man and I love you, and I have seen the great strides you have made in yourself to heal as well.
We are both starting a new journey. Ah bring it on!!
Love you dun i! xxxxxxx

Hi
I do believe that I am the sort of person that listens to others. I have taken much of your advice in the past. You yourself have often told me that i can be easily swayed by what others say- like this morning with the college thing. If i can be swayed, then, i guess i must be listening right?? Which am i? Well, i would like to think that i am an understanding person, who can be, at times, naive. Many times in the past, people have pulled the wool over my eyes. I like to believe and try to see the best in people. (As you do) I would like to think that im not bitter, but do know, to a certain extent that i am. In some ways, ive become rather cynical. things have made me that way, whether i like it or not. Such is life eh??
I do believe you trust me, what i understand, is it has taken you many years to do this. I also realise that you had a view of your ex which has only recently been changed. It has taken an awful lot to change your view. I do believe, for me, my initial view of my ex, was far clearer than yours. My code of conduct in the first year, was the correct one. Cruel to be kind. Hard for me to be naturally cruel, but kinder for him in the long run. We are both very forgiving people. We have both overlooked an awful lot of things that have been done to us, by them, to reach an adult perspective with our ex's. If I am honest, i couldnt always understand why you could forgive so much. It made me feel that i was being far harder and far less understanding. If you could do it, then i felt that I had to try to be a bigger person, and do it too. But on the other hand, you were telling me I shouldnt be understanding. God, this was confusing!
I will sit on here and say to you, that, i have told my ex nothing of our relationship or its ups and downs since last August, and the time we split earlier in this year, he had no knowledge as to why.
This was because, i knew full well of the pleasure he would take, and the problems it would cause. And more than anything, i wanted him to realise that it was none of his business who, when why or what, i did anymore.
I have doubted myself in the past. The lack of no longer trusting my own judgment, and being unsure quite who to trust, did wear me down. I have made bad judgment calls because of this i know.
I do feel now, like im getting back on track. The last 6 weeks have been in a way a relief. It is good that so much is now out in the open, and im not sorry that youre ex rang. Better out than in, as we so often say lol! With my ex too, being once again able to trust my instincts, as i did in 2003, I know im on the right path.
I think that it is always a difficult thing to try to have a relationship, when a previous relationship has not been finished. In our case, it has taken you a very long time to let go of that relationship, and also try to stand up against the problems you had and fight instead of run, and in turn, this created doubts in me, and has given my ex time to try and wear me down, when im at my most vunerable. You are right that im not a strong person, but through it all i did try to realise that i had to come to my own conclusions alone. Like you, i could push and push for the truth, but until you were truly ready, it wasnt coming.
I have been deceived, misguided, gullible, naive, downright stupid, confused and at times, at the end of my mental rope. Although most of those feelings have gone away now, I still feel stupid for allowing it to happen. Understanding is helping here, its making me feel better about me, and its making me feel better about the things that have happened.
The help that i seek, is not so much about the things that have happened, but i would like to try to regain some inner-strength. I am scared, that if something happens again that i have to question my instincts on, at this time, im not sure im strong enough or perhaps will still have doubts about myself, and want to be able to stand my ground. I feel that the rug can so easily be pulled from under my feet. I dont feel strong.
As you so aptly and thoughtfully put
You are the only one that can make everything right inside yourself
I know we will get there. I do want to heal. I know that this will take some time. I think the first step for us is to stop talking about the past now, and spend some time focusing on the here and now and have some fun. You are a kind, wonderful man and I love you, and I have seen the great strides you have made in yourself to heal as well.
We are both starting a new journey. Ah bring it on!!
Love you dun i! xxxxxxx

I am so glad that it is you that has answered that last posting and not your anger,
You truly are a remarkable woman/friend/individual/lover/mother - crap cook though. It is hard to have things happen to us that we didnt ask for, that has been put upon us when all we did was to love a person. All those questions, What have i done? Why me? do i look like i have c**t tattooed on my head? (obviously). Does he not love me, does he not care, he said he does. How could he, worse - why would he? Who is he? I know them all. A lot of questions and very few answers. I know you want rattionality out of irrationality. Who doesen't. The past might be a complete ###$ up baby, but the future aint been set.
Everything that you have written in your last posting as guest is true precise and acurate. Apart from the letting go.
Why do i forgive? I am not acertive, i may feel angry i may feel upset and hurt and damaged but am not able to shout and scream like i really feel inside.
For instance. I have absolutly wanted to scream and throw a tantrum at some the things you have done, dump you and hate you and so on and so forth, truth is i am to scared to hurt you. Dont want to hurt your heart, and your feelings, dont want to see your tears, cant handle the sick feeling of the argument and awful hatred (of what has happened) and dread feelings that follow. The emptiness and the sorriful feelings; the lonliness and the gulit and all those crap emotions for what, the sake of turning the other cheek and walking away, then smiling another day.
With my ex, it's something similar, i cant be arsed (quiet life syndrome) to go thru all that , i aint gonna let you see ur daughter, i will be going to the solicitor. Jesus who can arsed with that. So i forgive. At great cost to me starz, at massive cost to me. I am sorry i have hurt your felings over the last two years ans some months, but hey baby i am a great guy, and you said i was the best in the sack......................................race. he he.

Will you marry me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


i love you starz xxx
your jamo forever

sad man

Wow, this whole thing would've been funny if it were fiction. But starz, you just presented to every reader that you are in an abusive manipulative relationship. Ending with "marry me"? Is this a joke? I'm dead serious: you print this up, go down to your local women's crisis center and say, "Hey a person in a forum read this and said it was extremely and frighteningly emotionally abusive. Could you look this over and explain to me how this is?"

This guy starts by intruding where you're seeking help, because after all if you seek help you might leave him or get help in leaving his controlling ways, then he gradually moves the whole thing back over to "Look we both need help." Which is only a half truth. He needs long term therapy for his problems, and you need help getting away from him. You feel crazy because being with him is so horrible, and he takes advantage of that crazy feeling to tell you things about yourself. Or he's found out negative things about your past, and when he says, "Hey we both need help" he's basically putting you down for whatever history you've entrusted to him.

So... if you both need help, then why is he coming up with an action plan for how to fix you, but doesn't make an accounting for his own problems? Because he's condescending to you. A healthy person or a therapist may give you guidance and mean it to help you, but a sick person like this uses even this as a method of control.

Furthermore, look at what he did: you sought help and he came in and said outrageous things that chased everyone away--so you didn't get help from people who could answer your questions. He successfully isolated you so that HE was the one giving you help? Oh gee, I'm sure you've never seen his help before. No, never. what he's done here is actually phenomenally abusive, and a sign of advanced emotional abuse when he invades your support group. He even accuses you of coming here to defame him. We would've never known who he was.

All I have to say is so WHAT if he has Histrionic or Narcissistic PD or ANYTHING. The focus should be: he's hurting you emotionally. He has hurt you, he is hurting you now, and both of these things lead to the obvious conclusion: he will continue to hurt you. It doesn't matter what PD he has if any, what matters is that your boundaries have been violated, you have been disrespected, and he thinks this is appropriate and normal in a relationship. I'll bet you don't. Go read the lyrics to Pearl Jam's "Better Man" and run away from this guy. Looking for his PD is actually ok with him, because he wants you to be utterly focused on him. He's taking advantage of your nurturing desire to help, and twisting it into something others view as neurotic and enabling. Check out www.mvwcs.com and don't be afraid to give them a call. I know because I'm giving you this address he'll go look it up, especially since obviously like a pathetic overcompensating spy, he rifles through your history folders in internet explorer. (cuz he's sooo cool).

And to the stupid moron who invaded your space on this forum: don't bother replying to me in the vicious manner you did to her. I just happened to be surfing through some materials on HPD and have no dedication to this forum. So I will not be returning to this disgusting exchange, and you will not be able to satisfy your narcissistic self-assurances by telling me off. I'm sorry. If it makes you sad, maybe you can get your ex-wife to give you a great big hug or some sympathy sex.

My best friend for most of my life was histrionic. We got along very well precisely because we were so different. She loved attention and I hated it. Eventually, though - I grew up - and well, she was still the same. Being histrionic isn't so cute when you're supposed to be a responsible adult.

I am posting this message because I have read SOOO many messages about people being in love with people with HPD and what can they do, what can they do to help them, etc. Well, here is the thing. It's always been my belief that people cannot get help unless they RECOGNIZE that they need help and WANT IT. The unfortunate problem with people who have HPD is that they are, in my experience, UNABLE to see their own fault in their problems! Please, anyone feel free to disagree with me. I have watched my friend get herself into scrape after scrape, really just self-destructing because she lives in a childlike fantasy and everytime things go wrong, she NEVER EVER contemplates how she might, in some small way, have contributed to her own problems. If she could, then maybe she would change! Or maybe she just doesn't mind her life being the rollercoaster that it is - at least it is always exciting! I'm just wondering if this makes sense to any of the people who have had relationships with people who have HPD. If I were not avoidant myself, maybe I would have the guts to come out and tell her what I think about her behavior/choices in life - but I don't think it would change her one bit. Her sole concern in life is getting attention and it doesn't seem to matter how she does it - even if it negatively impacts her in other ways. I don't want to say that there is nothing that can be done for them - I am just pretty convinced that unless they recognize their behavior as problematic and want help, what can ANYONE do for them? I would love to know what therapists do to try to help people with HPD. I would like to know what people with HPD feel about what can be done to "help them" or help themselves.