loving a histrionic

Hi Albion
Yes, thats the way it normally goes, this was his 4th and final chance, he knew it, i knew it. With every break up i get stronger and stronger. He wasnt still dating his ex apart from the first year we were together (bad enough i guess! and she confirmed this) but would lean on her for support (he said like a sister) told her the most awful things about me, and was totally hypocritical about me having anything to do with my ex husband.
Im lucky, I have kept my friends and my family around me for support - they are all relieved its over. I know what i will get, but i think, this time, even he has run out of excuses!
I dont know if he is going to get counselling - he said he will, but, who knows. As you so aptly put, not my problem anymore!
Thanks for reading.

I think, what ive learned the most from this experience, is that it isnt actually the things hes done. Yes they hurt alright.
For the first time in two years, I have actually realised that it doesnt matter about the things hes done, but that the relationship i have been in for 2 years is unnatural and unhealthy. Whether i want to help him or not, for the first time, ive realised that I dont need the grief of being with someone who has problems. I have realised that im not old (in my thirties) and there are other people out there, whom i can have a straight forward relationship with. So why do i want to spend another year, 2, 3, 5 or whatever, waiting for this man to 'change' or get counselling. For 2 years he has made me feel like ive had to hang on, and he will 'get there'. Well, ive realised i dont want to be wherever it is he is trying to get to.
I certainly havent got the energy left to help him get there either.
Phew, its finally really over.

Hey guest you should read this message here: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread ... adid=73455

It may open your mind and make you get out of the matrix!

Hey - thanks New Order!
That put a smile on my face - even though it was the female version of my Ho!
I wish i had seen the red flags on the first date - boy it wouldve made things quicker! What i found was that the beginning he was incredibly charming, and, seemed incredibly un-needy! Times like that you just wish for a crystal ball! They suck you in, then tear you up.
Any needy, problematic male that comes too close now, will be told right where to go. Ah, life and lessons learned!

Well - we went to a therapist and they referred him for psycotherapy, he doesnt want to go as he feels he has this licked. The lying, i agree, he seems to be more straight forward now, but, as usual, im finding, that, we have had to forgive each other things in the past but i must say, i have had to forgive him, far more than he has me. But, even though, things have been good for some time now, suddenly, a problem has occurred. it seems everytime out relationship is going good, he pulls up one of the few things ive done and its a real problem. I feel like, after ive stood by him for 2 years, through the most horrific things he has done, and the lies hes told, he focuses in on one or two bad things ive done, and they cause us a problem, for far longer than any of the million things he has done to me do.
We have a real chance right now to make things work. Yet once again, out of the blue, he has a problem.
I dont know how much more i can take. Things just settle down and he starts again. It has been the worst emotionally battering two years of my life. As much as i love him, i have to feel my life is starting again at some point. It feels like attention seeking once again, things too stable - tell me, if there are any dx histronics out there, how do you think? Is a straight forward life boring? For 2 years ive been desperate to just get on with out the dramas, please, someone try to explain to me how it is from your view point.
Thanks

Oh well I thought you had broken down with him!

Oh I see... You are addicted more to the drama he causes than to his "love".

Well, you like the drama, so stop complaining. You can´t change someone, you never WILL. He´s the only one that can do it and if he really tries, not just say "I´am trying". Histrionics have a lot of secondary gains, and they won´t give up their behavior.

In a way, you´re making him even worse because you let him do what he does. If you had simply walked away, we would feel that It was due to this beahvior and than it would be "the wakening" moment. But as you are always supporting and reinforcing his bad behavior, by being with him depite the problems he´s been causing, he won´t see any reason to change. He has got you.

I am not histronic. (diagnosed on here by everyone else)
I compusively lied for a year to my gain. It was not natural to me. I was not a liar before that; i told as many lies before that time as the next man.
I have spent the last 18 months making amends; inside myself and my partner and children and friends.
What she says is not entirly true.
1. I have nothing to do with my ex-wife, she actually has more contact going on with her husband all the time.
2. She is completely jealouse (histonics in a small degree) with anything related to my ex. But we have two children.
3. We found out about a month ago how her husband and my ex have had a sicko relationship going on passing information betwwen themselves about us. Nice eh!! Sicko's.
4. We have an argument to break up, i find out she is keeping her husband on the back boiler (her words to me) whether she wants to be with him or not. This she said was to hurt me later. Well it worked i get that sort of crap all the time.
Things have been going fine, and then her husband starts sending me texts about them, so i had a question. so pardon me for wanting an answer.

WHAT SHE WRITES ON HERE ABOUT ME IS NOT WHAT SHE SAYS TO ME. So i am more dumb founded by this than ever. I am now not sure about my relationship with her at all anymore.
I have told her that if she never wants to see me again she only has to ask. this i would do for her. i would give her no more contact. She never has.

You are right she does like the drama. She is also a control freak and finds it hard when she looses control. She is not particularly a strong individual, so unless everything is running just perfect she has problems.

She admitted to me yesterday that over the last two years that we both had done things wrong. Ishe had had another relationship in our first year then with her husband again in the second year. I gave her no greif over either of these. The first i believe she was with me, but when with her husband she wasnt. when we got back together i gave her understanding and no grief.
We both had relationships with others in 2003, since then i have been faithful and never been near another woman. Guest has.
I Even took the blame and responsibilliy for the first one. As i felt i caused her to do this. This has been hidden from me for 18 months, she told me about that relationship around 3 weeks ago.
I asked her if i had ever asked her much(i mean many questions). She replied no, so iasked why are you getting the complete arse ole when i have a problem and ask you a question. Sh*t that river runs both ways in any relationship. well bite my tongue.

guest:
as blown our realtionship completely to look like she is with someone that dosent gove a rats arse about her or her children, only me about myself. I feel humilated by this.

Albion II:
Based on your post I can say he is really histrionic. I feel sorry for you, because he´s using emotional manipulation and you are just a toy to him.

She is not my toy. She is my partner. i do not manipulate her, about as much as she manipulates me. I have feelings and so does she.

If i was histonic; i would want to be center of attention. I dont i want to be left alone. I want a quiet life, and i dont believe i am going to get this anymore with guest. Obviously i have manipulated her into being with me (not - once you met her you would realise why).
I really do love her. I gave so much away to be with her. I got a divorce as soon as poss. She is still married. Yawn yawn. And i am waiting. Believe me i am still waiting.

Ah ok, i see.
So, this question must be so hard for you to answer, that we are now going into the she did and he did routine.
I will not be pulled into it, im not going to be distracted from the reason for my posts today.
The reason for my posts is this - I truly want to understand. I want to understand how you think, and why you do these things. It is hard to forgive without understanding.
The issue here, is i believe valid on this forum. As i believe it is part of your neediness. Needing more than one person to fill your emotional needs, and the fact you find it difficult to stand alone, and/or needing to be seen as the good guy.

So lets get this straight.
At 10pm last night, you tell me, that, if you answer my question, as to why you again had to tell your ex personal things about our relationship that she didnt need to know, i will be hurt and angry. By midnight, youve forgotten you even did what you did, (and actually deny doing it at all) let alone why!!!!
As for my self esteem, and self respect, based on the paragraph above, is it any wonder they are damaged?
We all do bad things in life, in anger, in hurt and when upset. but when the man that is supposed to love, understand and support you, goes straight to another woman, and tells her things she doesnt need to know, Things that make me look bad - after 2 years apart, and 2 years of 'us', I WANT TO UNDERSTAND. I WANT TO UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU GET FROM DOING THIS.
For me, another aspect that i dont understand, is why you dont seem to be able to learn from previous experience. You say you have a 'motor mouth'. From past mistakes is how we learn not to do something again. The massive damage to our relationship that has been caused by you telling your ex things, and the fact that i have heard you say again and again, you shouldnt have told her - then, you go and do it again! This part of you not learning, is what i have trouble with, and again, i see it in the HPD criteria.
Is this an issue of lack of self-control? Is it an issue of self esteem? Is it an issue of attention seeking?
You said yourself, she has a knack of getting things out of you - well again, this is self control. We all make choices. It seems you always do the wrong thing. Why put yourself in the position so that she can get things out of you?? Again this is a choice. It was your choice to put yourself in that position, be it on the phone, face to face, or sitting in a car.
You seem to always not be able to take responsibility for your choices. Again i see this in HPD criteria.
As an adult, who makes choices, some good, and some bad, I have trouble in accepting that the bad or misguided things you do, you arent responsible for, or cant help it.
I am here to gain understanding. Please help me to understand.

never did get an answer lol!

yes you did
i believe not what you wanted to hear though