HPD's and falling in love

histrionicsgetlit wrote:I'm reading a how to book on neuroplasticity at the moment

Such a fascinating topic. Love reading, there are gems of insights, and thought provoking books I'll never have time for. Can't be an expert on everything, but it's more about enjoying the experience of learning something new. Good stuff, enjoy it.

The computer stuff is about his work and his interests. His job title is a software engineer but i think he is an app developer and he goes to dev catch ups and then i hear programming and i try to understand it all but then he shows me things and explains each part intricately and i mostly have no idea what he's say hehe. So then i often just say oh ok or that's cool. Maybe i should ask him to explain it to me or show me where i can go learn about it.

It's so annoying because i have the histrionic talent of going to a party about cakes and walking out of there having a pretty sound knowledge of things to do with cakes from how i talk to people. If he took me to one of these dev parties i could do the same thing...

It wasn't god like religious god. It was like god almighty and she spoke to me in a female voice. I used to be really drawn to the negative side and i thought i was super bad but then i started meditating and inside me is so nice! So lovely and chilled out and loves so much. I have been on a bit of a spiritual journey along with the personal growth one. They have sort of gone hand in hand really. It also helped me find a good strong moral code that i am happy to sit with. Because even though i'm a good person and look normal i'm still a little batty at times but at least everyone that knows me know knows what i hold true in my heart.

I think the conversation thing might have a bit to do with the circumstantial speech and the thinking behind that so i would have that at times in conversations with him.
The other thing he says is that i talk at him. I know i'm doing this now and it's because of the preplanning the conversation then coming up to him and blurting it all out at him. I'm not being mindful and it's also part of the acting. It's getting a lot better now.

Hey what does your fiancé think is stopping us from showing our true selves to people?

Yesterday i was walking and realised that i am filtering myself through a veil. I used to act out other people roles but now i'm being myself but it is coming through a filter. I told my psychologist and she said it was ego but i honestly don't believe that unless it is like some super tricky ego that i haven't recognised yet. But it's not ego really. It's something else and i don't know how to break it. I have done so much work and i want to show boyfriend the raw me. i'm actually really looking forward to it but i just don't know how to do it yet and obviously don't know anyone who has.

Advice? Theories? Ideas? What about you xdude?

I believe the veil is one half of the last 2 things i need to do to crack the histrionic

I really don't know what the pattern is rooted in, but I've seen it, and have read from others with HPD that it can become a kind of deep seated habit to prepare what to say in advance, and to say/act in ways that they've seen others do (could be from TV movies/shows, or someone else that influenced them).

For others who are in close relationships, that can come across as disconnected with what is going on in the moment, though I suppose it can be entertaining too, depending on the situation (e.g., such as a party around new people).

Anyway I don't know what is behind it. Like you wrote, it's probably something more/different than just ego, maybe a protection mechanism, but whatever it is, hopefully you can figure it out. Breaking habits is hard to do, and usually means practice, slow steps in a new direction, etc.

It's fear.

Ok so there are the two major last things i have to do for what i see on the hectic 'journey' i have been on for 8 months.

They were

break the veil

unrepress fear.

I have just realised they are the same thing.

Complication is i was gang raped for 4 hours when i was homeless and they don't remember it.My therapist said i could remember it and then become retraumatised and revert.

Do you have any advice for how to go into this??

P.s. tonight i worked out why i change topic in conversation, it's because my histrionic self thought that i was being told a story and so when he stopped speaking i thought 'oh stories over- new topic'. I also was talking at him because i was reporting good things i knew for validation from him but not for discussion because i didn't want the things i was proud of to be discussed.
I broke the transference issues with my therapist. This one took a LONG time. I realised he was human and not omnipotent. I just see him as human now. The validating thoughts to him in my head have stopped after the last thought which was me telling him it had been a wild ride but it was over now and thanks. This one i have been working on over half a year!!

Today is a good day!

I don't have any specific advice, other than the usual, keep working on it I don't think there is any magic pill solution.

Definitely a good insight about the therapist. Yea, they are not omnipotent (nobody is), just people.

If it helps any though, everyone has self-esteem issues and their own things to work through. Really seeing that can help take the self-created pressure off to be something we are not.