I hate that f-ing bitch...

Maybe it's just the holiday, but I'm so pissed off right now, I'm really seeing red. I'm sitting in a bar not far from my home because I don't to be there. No matter what I try to distract myself, I can't stop thinking about her and that's the last thing I want to think of. She ###$ ruined my life, and she doesn't give a $#%^. I did not count on being single at 33, and she's ######6 some 23 year old kid. I sacrificed and did so much for her and it means NOTHING to her! She could really not care less. I wish there was some to make her pay... some way in which I wouldn't get in trouble, but I know there really isn't one. It sucks, I wish I could install a conscience into her ###$ up mind so that she could understand for one moment what the hell she did to me, and feel like complete $#%^ for doing it. But that's never going to happen. From now until the day that she dies, she will never care how badly I feel, or how much I loved her. I wish she would just drop dead.

*Update* Edited out discourteous rambling about the new victim.

ProcyonSJJ wrote: I sacrificed and did so much for her and it means NOTHING to her!

You did much for her out of love for her because you are a decent normal human being. You did not do it to get something which is self gratifying in return. You are justified for being angry with her because of her cruel and brutal response to your love and sacrifices.

she will never care how badly I feel, or how much I loved her.

She will not.
But you did love. You have the depth and capacity to love another because you are real.

Friend stay with this forum. It made all the difference to me and many others. Continue to write as you feel and think.

There's nothing that anyone can say that'll quickly make you feel better. For all of us, living through the aftermath of the HPD isn't easy at all.

Almost every aspect of your life has been changed and the best part of you abused. So although it's difficult you need to start taking care of yourself now. There are many ways to do this.

Try and find some professional advice. Seek out trusted sources of support. As much as you can, build a solid routine designed to keep you physically healthy - because that's going to help your mood when the dark moments come. Run, swim or just take walks; some form of regular exercise will help a lot. And make sure you're eating right.

Whenever you feel the need to, keep posting. Even if all you post is a rant, then do it. Almost everyone here will understand and no one will judge you. Sure, once in a while you'll get a reply from an HPD or an HPD apologist. But they only serve to help you because they remind you of how pathetic and insane the HPD really is.
And read back through the forum. See how we've all had ups and downs. There are moments recorded here of people having a real nightmare (especially at the start) and then beginning to recover and move away from it, moving forward.

As I said, I know it's not easy. But although you don't realize it (and it sure as hell doesn't feel like it) you're already on the road to recovery and regaining yourself and your life.

All the best.

I remember very well where you are at...

So many revelations come out in the aftermath

* Realizing your suddenly single again
* The depth of manipulation, deceit, and gaslighting she did
* The draining never ending sacrifices made for her...and for what?
* Finances and health feel in disarray
* Them never sincerely acknowledging the pain and destruction they have caused
* Many people don't understand that you were abused. In fact, your ex has some people believing she is the victim ect...

As you know I can go on with this list...

I am glad you found this site. This really is a place where people really do understand and can relate. All though we can't take the pain away, we have walked a similar path and definently encourage you to share your story. Vent it out here as much as needed. I have gotten a trememndous amount of healing from both posting, and of reading of other's

One thing to keep in mind...Hate is a powerful emotion. You have every right to be angered at her and what has happened to you. With that said, make sure you work on releasing it. Work out at the gym, join a sportleague, write a journal, post here, see a qualified counselor, hang out with your safe friends, eat atleast one nutritional meal a day, try and get consistent rest...

Refuse to let her take the best of you. Trust me when I say a year from now you will be in a much happier place and soundly rebuilding your life

welcome to the board

Procy,

I hated mine for many years.........even though I met many wonderful girls/ladies..........and finally married a really wonderful girl.

I even got to the point that I seldom thought of her.............

*Then my Uncle mentioned her and I had a dumb idea......I woulf find her and we would "make peace"...........

It did not work...........

And finally I went back to my haterd and resentment..........

I will always hate the HPD for what she did to me, but I wll not let it ruin my life............... I have made peace with my hatred and resentment of her.
I tried for many years to forgive her, I talked with her and it made it worse........because she doesn't "get it". Her only contributuion to my effort to make peace with her was.........

drum roll please...............

after many years......... she wanted to be my friend and she tried to seduce me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All I wanted was to tell each other we were sorry..........

SO, I'VE MADE PEACE WITH MY RESENTMENT.........AND YES HATRED.............

I HATE HER, AND I'M GLAD I HATE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you so much guys... Reading what you've had to both helps, and doesn't help, and I'm sure you all know exactly what I mean by that, so there's no need to explain.

I am unfortunately embroiling myself in stupid little games to either get her attention (good or bad, I don't seem to care which,) and disrupt her current life, which as her husband with her SSN on my tax forms, is surprisingly easy to do. In fact, the only way I found out about all the cheating was to hack into her facebook page.

But I have to figure out how to let it go. I'm not really hurting her (well, maybe I am superficially,) I'm really hurting myself. I just don't seem to be able to learn my lesson from that. I want revenge in the worst way possible, and I think this is indicative of something potentially pathological in me.

I did something today of unquestionable ethicalness, but also of questionable morality. I sought out the parents of the kid who she's with now. They had met her, and believed she was simply the 26 year old single friend of their son. I told them who I was, that she was my wife, and that she was in fact 33. It obviously came as a shock to them. I then further explained that, to the best of my knowledge, and all available indications, she has a personality disorder. It's funny because as I recounted stories to them, one came to mind right at that moment that I had not thought about until today.

Picture it: 9/11. Yes, THE 9/11. I, a native of NYC, am living in California at the time where I met the HPD, and the greatest tragedy to our nation occurs. I was so upset, I couldn't stay at work and was excused, so I went home and was glued to CNN for quite a while, crying off and on. Now, the reaction on the west coast was substantially different from that of the east coast, but the reaction from HER is almost chilling now that I think about it. She said something along the lines of, "Why are you getting this upset about it? You weren't there, and no one you know got hurt. So what's the matter?" Like... wow, why did it take me 7 years to remember how ridiculously unempathic she was back then?

But the bottom line is, I gotta find the strength in me to let it go. I sincerely doubt that I possess it at this time, but I'm going to have to find a way how to obtain it. Somehow I lucked out with the finance aspect, she signed and notarized a separation agreement stating that she was not seeking any financial support. I guess she has a smidgen of a conscience buried deep down in there somewhere. But health wise, yeah I've lost a lot of weight, and my sleep is very erratic. I'm not sure how to reverse this stuff. I know that I will always hate her, that part I have no problem with. But a part of me, the very insecure part of me, will always want some kind of attention or validation from her, and that's what's going to get me into a LOT of trouble if I don't find a better way to deal with that... I'm am all ears and hoping for suggestions.

Personnally I suffered greatly, ( inside)........until I got attention,
validation, and love , from another girl..............

*This web-site has helped me realize that to my HPD........when she changed guys.............it was like when we change cars........

*She saw a sportier model and traded me in.........without a second thought.........

BUT...... her validation is almost worthless..............

because in reality she is a stupid, broken, child............

I only "hate" her for wasting my time.........and taking advantage of my foolish, big-heart............

BUT..I' survided!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm free!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So....... Fu%%^ her !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Thank ALWN, but my reaction to your response illustrates my problem. I read what you wrote, and my first instinct is to grab her head and shove it in the monitor and scream, "SEE??? THIS IS YOU!!! THIS IS WHAT YOU DID TO ME AND TO OTHER PEOPLE!!!" but it's absolutely pointless. I know it, I just haven't accepted it yet. I guess I still have quite a ways to go.

I know exactly what you mean by 'does/doesn't help.' There's just going to be a period when you'll feel the way you do right now. For what it's worth, it'll get easier and then pass. I can only speak of my own experience. I know that in all of life, time's a great healer. But I also knew that you can't hurry it. So I dearly held on to the phrase 'time and patience.'

Going to see the parents of the kid; that's the sort of thing you shouldn't get involved with. But you know that already. So don't beat yourself up about it.

9/11; you're probably going to start discovering a lot now, things from the past that are only now revealed as being something other than you thought they were, or even just that you overlooked. Again, try not to be too hard on yourself if/when this happens.

You've said that you've got to find the strength to let go and that part of you will always want even some validation from her. The truth is, that it's not going to be forthcoming. In my experience (and in that of other victims further down the road) the HPD wil not only be unable to offer you anything, but in fact she won't even be thinking about you. Don't try and see inside her head and expect to find something there you recognize - you can't. They're not the same as everyone else.


"...and I think this is indicative of something potentially pathological in me" -
You've been abused. You've been terribly psychologically abused. Look again at the list made by MyWave in his post above. You've all that to deal with - and more. And when you're hurt and abused it's natural to want to lash out. Once more, don't beat yourself up about this - the HPD has done enough damage to you already. You're a victim, simple as that.


Here's one that I know for sure isn't going to help you at all right now. A poster here once told me "The opposite of love isn't hate. The opposite of love is indifference." As time has passed I've found that to be true. And although I can see all the hurt and anger in your post, you're already on your way to being free from the HPD - even from the hatred.

You'll get there. Yes, right now it's a nightmare. But you'll get there.
Keep posting and reading whenever you can and want to.

We have all been there...the hatred, desire for revenge, not understanding, resentment for their apparent sudden disdain for you...But as already been posted here it is normal...Keep reading. I know it helps me to read this forum. Feel free to PM if you want. We are in this together.