I hate that f-ing bitch...

Hi Procyon:
Though it shall be little help, what your feeling is perfectly normal. She has knocked your emotional compass of track, you are having to deal with it. It is normal to feel angry towards her, she is your wife and has let you down in a way you did not expect and could not imagine (one of the frigthening things with this condition is we discover we just don't know someone we thought we knew really well...). In the initial (I feel like knocking her head off stages...), I found that sport was a great way of handling the anger, the pain and the violence. You need too feel good about yourself and look great, and sport is the best medecine for that. You mention that she went for a 23 year old, so it sounds like she knocked your confidence, get it back with sport, respect yourself, love yourself!

I completely agree that indifference is the opposite of love, and that shall come. It takes time to get there (after 3 years i am still getting there...), its a progressive thing. However, even though you may not feel indifference, you must show indifference. I have, and I can tell you that it works, HPD hate indifference, HPD hate not to be considered. By creating a drama, you shall be playing her game, HPD get off on that, it makes them the centre of their stage. Don't forget, no actors, no show !

Lastly, I recommend that you keep away from this young mans family. I did something similar (but the circumstances were different), but managed to stop myself before the heat of the moment caused a big mess. You are riding a huge wave at the moment, and it shall be your self-control that shall save you. Please try to use it.

Take care Musician.

Well, unfortunately, I maneuvered myself into a bad position ethically, and when we spoke on the phone, she had the upper hand. She claimed that I was lashing out at her through several other people (which I guess is technically correct,) and that she wanted to know what she could do so that I felt respected and so that we could move on with our lives. She also kept claiming that she wanted to be able to maintain an open dialogue with me, but that we couldn't if I kept scaring people into thinking that she was in danger (she says many of her friends and her mom are very scared for her safety and suggested that she needs to get a restraining order, to which she replies that she lived with me for 7 years, she knows there's no need for that.) It sucks because I tried to listen to her words distinctly and look for a flaw or an irrational statement, but she was so lucid and even appeared to be somewhat sympathetic to what I was going through, that it was hard to pin her with a problem. She kept insisting that I had nothing to do with why she left (which I believe) and that she simply felt she had changed (which I don't believe, she was always like this.) I pointed out that she was gone and on to someone new in less than a month and she said that wasn't her plan, it's just how it happened. So I asked her how this 23 year old could possibly make her happier than I could, and all she would say is that she didn't feel comfortable discussing her relationship to him with me, which inclines me to believe a) he was standing there and b) there really isn't anything, she's just freer to do whatever she wants to do. But throughout the whole time, she kept insisting that she wanted us to be on good terms, that she was moving on and she wanted me to too, that after seven years she still cared about me, and that my behavior of lashing out was crazy and needed to stop. So I really ruined my argument position. I have no idea if she was being genuine or not. It certainly sounded genuine, but I know how good she is at doing that. If she was attempting to manipulate me, she didn't let one sign of that crack through the facade.

I've just got to resolve to have nothing to do with her for the rest of my life. The problem is, I see all these reminders of sweet things that she used to do for me, and whenever I do, I want that back. Man, she's such a stupid bitch... I'm sure she's even fooled herself into thinking she's happier. I wanted her to be miserable for just a moment so she knew how I felt.

Hi Procyon:
The calmness in my X when I was seething with something she said or did (and/or the paradoxes between her words and actions...), or when i was confronting her on her blatant lies and perfidy, was worse than having someone shouting and screaming in front of me. That calm, that lack of emotions, I realised with hindsight, showed a cold manipulative detachment from situations that were engineered to cause paranoia and maximum suffering (notably mine...), which is not normal. When i lost it with her (on multiple occasions...) she used to say that the "little devil in me" would always let me down, would be my weakness, but I am convinced now that it was a projection of her own inner devil, very present, but mastered and totally complice. Indeed, since when does the devil present himself as seething? There was no devil in me, I was acting like a normal human being with emotions facing most difficult situations. In films and books, the devil is always portrayed as cool, calm, collected, seductive, calculating and detached. She was, yours is...

Procyon, if you are HERE because your wife trully is HPD, and not because of Sour Grapes, then know that you can never engage in such conversations as the one you had with her, SHE WILL WIN EVERY TIME, you shall end up looking and feeling weak! If she is HPD, YOU MUST GET IT TOGETHER, YOU MUST IGNORE HER, YOU MUST GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE, YOU MUST DETATCH YOURSELF FROM HER, YOU MUST SHOW HER INDIFFERENCE, YOU MUST LEAVE HER ALONE. Trust me it's the only way. If she is truly HPD, misery shall catch up with her soon enough, because these girls want too much, are never happy with what they have, and dream themselves in and out of idealized relationships that shall never live up to their expectations. Reality shall likely hit her in her mid to late 40's when there is a high chance that she wakes up one morning with no one there to love her, and very little chance of finding someone.

Burn your bridges, and if she comes back looking for sex, either walk way or f*ck her and run for your life/sanity. You shall never be properly together again, your relationship is dead, and if she is truly HPD and comes back t you, you'll only go through the same cycle again.

He whom laughs last laughs longest . So remember that indifference is the only way forward. Look up its dictionary meaning, use it, and keep away from her, her family, her boyfriend, his family, whomever. In the process just wish them luck under your breath, they shall probably need it.

Stay calm, and go do some sports to get your anger out when it wells up

Musician

Musician924 wrote:Hi Procyon:
The calmness in my X when I was seething with something she said or did (and/or the paradoxes between her words and actions...), or when i was confronting her on her blatant lies and perfidy, was worse than having someone shouting and screaming in front of me. That calm, that lack of emotions, I realised with hindsight, showed a cold manipulative detachment from situations that were engineered to cause paranoia and maximum suffering (notably mine...), which is not normal. When i lost it with her (on multiple occasions...) she used to say that the "little devil in me" would always let me down, would be my weakness, but I am convinced now that it was a projection of her own inner devil, very present, but mastered and totally complice. Indeed, since when does the devil present himself as seething? There was no devil in me, I was acting like a normal human being with emotions facing most difficult situations. In films and books, the devil is always portrayed as cool, calm, collected, seductive, calculating and detached. She was, yours is...

Procyon, if you are HERE because your wife trully is HPD, and not because of Sour Grapes, then know that you can never engage in such conversations as the one you had with her, SHE WILL WIN EVERY TIME, you shall end up looking and feeling weak! If she is HPD, YOU MUST GET IT TOGETHER, YOU MUST IGNORE HER, YOU MUST GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE, YOU MUST DETATCH YOURSELF FROM HER, YOU MUST SHOW HER INDIFFERENCE, YOU MUST LEAVE HER ALONE. Trust me it's the only way. If she is truly HPD, misery shall catch up with her soon enough, because these girls want too much, are never happy with what they have, and dream themselves in and out of idealized relationships that shall never live up to their expectations. Reality shall likely hit her in her mid to late 40's when there is a high chance that she wakes up one morning with no one there to love her, and very little chance of finding someone.

Burn your bridges, and if she comes back looking for sex, either walk way or f*ck her and run for your life/sanity. You shall never be properly together again, your relationship is dead, and if she is truly HPD and comes back t you, you'll only go through the same cycle again.

He whom laughs last laughs longest . So remember that indifference is the only way forward. Look up its dictionary meaning, use it, and keep away from her, her family, her boyfriend, his family, whomever. In the process just wish them luck under your breath, they shall probably need it.

Stay calm, and go do some sports to get your anger out when it wells up

Musician

Pro- read what Musician wrote here over and over again for it is the bottom line truth regarding your ex HPD

HPD's hate to be exposed. They spend their entire lives pretending to be something else. She probably has a few different presentations to different groups and they are always worried that they will be found out or that the people from the different games she is playing will align toggether in exposing her. By calming you she stays in control and keeps you quiet (how pathetic her back-handed threat for a restraining order). She can then project whatever story she wants on her new prey..remember they are master manipulators and depend on their acting...

Here's the thing...at the end of the day they just are not worth it. As Musician points out, eventually she will shoot herself in the foot. They are hardwired for self- sabotage and abusing people. They are not logical, just destructive

No contact is really the only way. It is your one sure safe way of protecting yourself. If she ever appears in your life, just walk away

Give yourself time to heal, then go out there and create the life you really want. Your best revenge to her is to do just that.

More importantly...you deserve to have a good life

Procy,

I would write her one last letter. I would tell her she is
an idiot and she blew the best chance she will ever have
for real love and happiness.
And I would tell her ...don't come crying to me when the kid
gets tired of you...........

Then I'd start the rest of my life.........

P.S. a new strategy I'm using is calling my HPD the "Wonka girl"
after that horrible girl in the original willie wonka movie.........I'm calling my ex Little Miss Wonkie.........(it helps)/.....

Thanks for the advice guys. I know your right, but what I know and what I end up doing don't match up well. I have avoided talking to her since our phone call yesterday, so put me down for one whole day so far. But I can't get the whole thing out of my head and I end up pounding the desk at work whenever I really start to feel overwhelmed by it.

The really messed up part for me is that I'm afraid that I'm going to be comparing every woman that I meet to who I _thought_ my ex was. Will they play video games with me the way she did. Will they look as hot as she did. Will they indulge my hobbies and interests the way she did. I mean, having a hot gamer chick was pretty much the holy grail as far as my fellow game developer coworkers were concerned. I had hit the jackpot. I realize that the day will come when I meet someone and stop comparing them to her, but for the time being, I feel completely cracked out on her. And the thought of her having sex with that kid doesn't bother me. It's the thought of them playing games together! How screwed up am I...?

ProcyonSJJ wrote:
The really messed up part for me is that I'm afraid that I'm going to be comparing every woman that I meet to who I _thought_ my ex was. Will they play video games with me the way she did. Will they look as hot as she did. Will they indulge my hobbies and interests the way she did. I mean, having a hot gamer chick was pretty much the holy grail as far as my fellow game developer coworkers were concerned. I had hit the jackpot. I realize that the day will come when I meet someone and stop comparing them to her, but for the time being, I feel completely cracked out on her. And the thought of her having sex with that kid doesn't bother me. It's the thought of them playing games together! How screwed up am I...?

Everything you've written sounds so familiar - painfully familiar.

Yes, the day will come when all those thoughts you're having will pass. But there's no way to get there quickly. You seem to be doing just about everything you can already, or at least you know what you can do about it.

Screwed up? - you're experiencing the aftermath of the HPD. Again, this doesn't help you right now, but we've all been through it and know how it feels. And more to the point, we're all at different stages of the road to recovery. It gets better. And it'll get better for you too.

Good to see you posting about this stuff.

Crap, I think we are all co-dependent.

ProcyonSJJ, you are going through the same thought process all of us have engaged - that is, can you find another girl like this? That's a continual theme in all these posting (including mine).

Yes, you can. Same sort of "perfection", probably not. But another girl who has the similar interests plus some new ones of her which you can appreciate and will like - yes. And more importanly, the girl will mean it. There are a ton of awesome girls out there looking for good guys (and if you're posting here, you're probably a decent guy).

Not to sound like a jerk, but yes, its messed up that she having sex with someone else doesn't bother you too much after that long of a relationship. I understand why the gaming bothers you more but the sex should be enough. Could you really accept going back to a girl that did that? I actually found myself justifying that with my HPD ex and then I thought, wait I would have never accepted that in prior relationships, this is just effed up.

I don't agree with the advice of writing a last letter (and no offense to that poster at all intended). It won't do anything. They have no empathy. Just break the contact as others have said.

Remember what you saw was a fascade; eventually it crumbles.

Alright, you guys have been encouraging me to continue writing here, and right now, I want to do something I know I will regret. I want to write that last letter to her alright... but I don't want to be civil about it. I want to tear her a new one. I want to tell her what a fricken flat-chested slut she is, and how no matter how hard she tries, she's never going to find happiness in her miserable life because she's the same person as her asshole father who beat up her mother in front of her. I want her life to crumble. I want to ruin her relationship. I want the kid to kick her out. I don't want to just ruin any chance for a cordial relationship between us, I want to SHATTER it, and do whatever I can to crack through that unempathic skull she had and make her feel two inches tall. I want her to feel the hatred I have for her, and I want her to regret everything she ever did to me. I know it's impossible to do, but man, I would love to try. I HATE the fact that she gets to be happy now while I'm sitting here feeling miserable. And I would gladly do anything short of actually harming her, to ruin whatever little "perfect life" she has going on right now.

I know this is a really ugly side to me, and it contributed to me seeking out the kid's parents and telling them the truth about her (which appears to have backfired unfortunately,) but I'm feeling more rage and anger than despair and loss. I want to get even. I want revenge.

Hey man, the 2nd most common theme on these boards is wanting to get revenge so that means you are in the revenge phase, which is good b/c you're almost over her.

This is tough because normally it would work on most girls but not here. As another poster wrote, it would simply be a sign that she's in control in the sense that you're still thinking about her.

THE BEST REVENGE: no contact. You want to really ###$ with her, move on. Show her that you will not be baited or kept on a string. That's what they fear the most, that they lost their "objective or victim". As for the guy she's with, seriously, feel sorry for the poor bastard (do not contact and warn hime), he's 23 and in way above his head.