Are HPD's not able to have fun with their own children?

I was involved with my ex-HPD wife for 4 years. I helped to raise her 2 children from her first marriage since the ages of 3 and 5. I was just wandering if HPD's are able to have fun and play with their children in normal ways.
I would spend alot of time with her children. I taught them how to do chores and outdoor activities since we lived on a small farm. The kids loved raising chickens, ducks, and goats probably because they were raised in the city and had never experienced outdoor activities.
I would play football and take her son fishing. He was a shadow to me most of the time. I would often encourage my ex HPD wife to play with the kids but, it was like pulling teeth to get her to play with her own kids.
Many times the kids would complain that their mother would not go outside in the snow to sled ride with them. They would wait for me to come home from work to go outside sledding.
My ex-HPD wife stated one time that she loves the way that I act like a big kid with her children. She stated that she didn't know how to have fun!
I guess that they only have fun when they are the center of attention. Maybe they can't make others the center of their attention.

"Are HPD's not able to have fun with their own children?"

I don't know. But yet again this forum has given me insight into my own experience with a HPD.
She couldn't relate to children. She couldn't even relate to animals. And she always told me "I love the way children and animals love you." I hadn't put any insignificance into that until I read this post.

Maybe you're right - maybe they need to ensure they're always the focus of everything, that they're the centre of attention. And maybe they're simply able to appreciate (a HPD being able to appreciate? - wow) traits in others which they're lacking in themselves - all the basic, normal, human qualities.

From what I have seen of someone I believe to have HPD, the children are merely pawns in the game. Sadly. I've seen this woman tell people "Oh! My children are my world!" etc. etc. But she doesn't walk the walk . . I've seen the children play outside for years (we live close by) by themselves. They are pretty young kids, and no mother is out there with them. Also, I personally believe that she uses them as photography subjects rather than just loving them up and spending her time with them. But I think people see that she has many pictures of her children so they think "Oh what a good mother" but really it's her showing off what she can do with the camera more than anything.

Also, she's one for saying things like "Family comes first", but again, she doesn't walk the walk. She's constantly out drinking with social friends. I wonder why she doesn't spend more time with her young children that are "her world" rather than acting 10 years younger than she is and drinking with friends most weekends.

Just observations from someone who's trying very hard to figure this all out! Whew, it's a lot of work!

cure_e_us wrote:Also, she's one for saying things like "Family comes first", but again, she doesn't walk the walk. She's constantly out drinking with social friends. I wonder why she doesn't spend more time with her young children that are "her world" rather than acting 10 years younger than she is and drinking with friends most weekends.

I think this area is one of the best places to notice the talk and behavior gap of an HPD. My exHPD used to profess how much she loved her kids and how involved she was ect...the reality is her son was either downstairs with his leggos or when his mom was not on the computer he was playing games. The tv was his constant companion and the fantasy of cartoons mimiced the fantasy world that his mother lived

She never fixed him breakfast and never really went over homework with him. In fact, everything she did with them was done with the idea of doing the minimal amount. I remember one time I said we should get the kids outside and give them a little exercise. She finally agreed and we took them to the park. The whole time while the kids played she sat there and smoked! Moreover, when we got back she emailed a friend and told her how she took the kids to the park and did all these activities with them ect...never happened...only activity she did was light one cigarrette after another

What was most disturbing to see was her daughter starting to use the very same manipulative tactics as her mom. It was surreal in a sense because I could see a part of the ex that actually liked the fact that her daughter was learning how to manipulate so well. Her daughter was just starved for attention. I really felt for her because her mother would never really engage with her. Her daughter learned that the only way to reach mom was to manipulate. You could literally see the HPD transfer from mother to daughter

Everything was done with minimal effort, and that even included raising her kids

I am confident that my mom, though undiagnosed, has HPD. Thank goodness I had several siblings to play with as a kid because I never remember her playing with us. Even as I got older she never really engaged with me. It got to be pretty infuriating how she only seemed to be interested in my life when she wanted to brag about my successes to her friends.

In hindsight this inability to connect with her children makes sense in the context of HPD

MyWave wrote:The whole time while the kids played she sat there and smoked! Moreover, when we got back she emailed a friend and told her how she took the kids to the park and did all these activities with them ect...never happened...only activity she did was light one cigarrette after another

What was most disturbing to see was her daughter starting to use the very same manipulative tactics as her mom.

Wow!!! My god, from what I know from my Ex's mother, you just described the sunday trips of my Ex's with her parents. I guess that, on that picture, she could be your Ex's daughter in a 20 years time... Lets hope not!!!! Poor child!!!!

I do not have kids but I do have pets. The idea that I got was that she would love the pets on everyting they could give her:

- Afection
- Love
- Company
- etc..

She would love to sleep with them. She would love them to be all over her, and, for example, to show one of our dogs (wich is really beautifull) to other people, who just loved the dog!!!

But... I remember that sometimes I would come home from work and they had no clean water; no food; and the dogs hadn't been walked for more that 12 hours!!! I remember feeling sorry for the dogs and thinking that only a person wich did not "emphatise" with the animal suffering could do such a thing...

...I still didn't know about this "way of loving" that HPD (and BDP's) have. So at that time it would leave me just confused, because I felt she loved them, but at the same time she didn't care for their feelings also!!! Something was wrong!!!

I've read somewere that BDP's tend to feel more confortable with animals than with humans. My Ex's Mother also has her place full of animals. Of course...!!!They do not make you feel guilty when you give them nothing in return!!! They can "use the pets" as they whant!!!

[/quote]..I still didn't know about this "way of loving" that HPD (and BDP's) have. So at that time it would leave me just confused, because I felt she loved them, but at the same time she didn't care for their feelings also!!! Something was wrong!!! [quote]

I'm sorry but I feel like I need to say something. I've noticed that lones, although I am thankful for your responses, sometimes you use BPD and HPD together, as if they are one disorder. I have BPD. I also have been in therapy for years and I went through DBT classes as well. I have acknowledged and been aware of my disorder for almost 3 years now I think? My point is that I feel it's unfair of someone to use HPD as if it were just like BPD. In this case, with talking about this "way of loving", I have two pets in my home. I love them so much!! I do sometimes forget water or food, but for the most part I keep up on that for them! They remind me, too! And I love them as if they were my own children. Real children. So I felt offended with the comment that I quoted above. I just felt the need to stand up for myself since I do have BPD, but I also have it under control and I have skills that I use to do so.

I understand that the cluster B of personality disorders are similar in a lot of ways. But I also know that a lot of people with those disorders either don't have a Dx or don't get the correct help with it. And I just feel like I have done the right things, and I don't behave the way a lot of people describe BPD-ers. Not anymore. It does take effort and understanding, but BPD can get better. I'm proof. My life has only improved more and more since finding a great therapist!

cure_e_us wrote: I do have BPD, but I also have it under control and I have skills that I use to do so.
....BPD can get better. I'm proof. My life has only improved more and more since finding a great therapist!

Dear cure_e_us;

I really do not need to excuse myself from what I said, because, with the above statements you left perfectly clear the idea that you have it under control...You should not identify yourself with such examples...

But...at the same time, I do want to say I'm sorry if you got offended in any way by my comment. Persons like you, which acknowledge they have a PD and do search for help, deserve the most profound admiration!

Besides, as most PD's are ego syntonic, it is really very difficult for a person with a PD to acknowledge their disorder. Which in itself, says a lot about those who make it!

In that sense I think it is easier for a "neurotic" like myself, to search for help. Because we are ego dystonic...

I must say to you that my ex (and her mother) are almost surely on that "muddy lands" between BPD and HPD (comorbidity). They search help only to cure their anxiety and depression...

I thoght it was clear enough, but I will say it nonetheless:
- None of the examples above are applicable to people like yourself who are undergoing specific treatment for their PD...

Have a nice weekend

Lones

My experience with the HPD was different. She had pictures of her 2 children, boy and girl, on her cell phone. She would show pics of her daughter with a few comments, but her face would light up when she showed pictures of her son. Her favorite phrase was " He looks just like me!"My reading on HPD's is as they get older, they may use their need for male attention to manipulate her son. Combine this with her new husband, who I think is also a Cluster B disordered individual, and I don't think her kids have a chance!

lones wrote:

cure_e_us wrote: I do have BPD, but I also have it under control and I have skills that I use to do so.
....BPD can get better. I'm proof. My life has only improved more and more since finding a great therapist!

Dear cure_e_us;

I really do not need to excuse myself from what I said, because, with the above statements you left perfectly clear the idea that you have it under control...You should not identify yourself with such examples...

But...at the same time, I do want to say I'm sorry if you got offended in any way by my comment. Persons like you, which acknowledge they have a PD and do search for help, deserve the most profound admiration!

Besides, as most PD's are ego syntonic, it is really very difficult for a person with a PD to acknowledge their disorder. Which in itself, says a lot about those who make it!

In that sense I think it is easier for a "neurotic" like myself, to search for help. Because we are ego dystonic...

I must say to you that my ex (and her mother) are almost surely on that "muddy lands" between BPD and HPD (comorbidity). They search help only to cure their anxiety and depression...

I thoght it was clear enough, but I will say it nonetheless:
- None of the examples above are applicable to people like yourself who are undergoing specific treatment for their PD...

Have a nice weekend

Lones

Thank you for explaining. I understand what you are saying. I hope there are no hard feelings! I do appreciate your input and I think you have valuable things to add to this forum! I learn a lot from you and the others on this website.