Further adventures in being a victim.

I've a few more random musings on the subject. This is hardly surprising, since I still live with the aftermath every day. As ever, everything I write in this (lengthy) post is only my own opinion, and if it ruffles a few feathers - too bad.

Leaving the HPD. In my case I chose to leave. I'm lucky I was in a position to leave in such a manner. And when I went, I did it swiftly and without hesitation.
After leaving I did all I could to ensure she couldn't ever find me (some of the steps I took probably bordered on paranoia...) and since then I've been slowly finding my way. But I'm still finding more of the truth - more about all the parties involved; and also what it means for them.

I've rediscovered that there's a whole world out there - the limits are only as far as I can see. But also, that there's such a world to explore internally too. And that's something which initially tripped me up a little; having freedom to go and do whatever I wanted, but also to explore my own feelings and emotions in a fairer light. Years of being encouraged to question my own sanity, endless attempts to excuse her behaviour, the slow, heavy grind of trying to ensure the whole world revolved around her and her stupid whims - all these still shackled me a little. But in their place now, a vast expanse ready to be completely (and selfishly? Nah...) filled with me.

Sometimes I think it's not the big, sweeping declarations of intent to change a lifestyle which give the best results. For the past months I've found that small, almost silent changes have crept into my life and viewpoint. One day I woke-up and got out of bed, showered and shaved - before I even thought of her. An evening was spent listening to music without a lyric or melody suggesting her. I looked in the mirror and realised there was less of a fool there. These are the signs of my progress. There's no triumphant, earth-shattering awakening to feel "I'm over her and everything's wonderful now!" I just feel a little better. A little more like me.

Then there are the days or hours (but mostly now, only fleeting throw-away minutes) when the echo of her can still be heard. It varies; should I have questioned her so much? Where exactly did I find fault in what she did that night? And there are always 2 sides to every story, right?
I fully expect this for some time, still. It's the hangover, the last remnants of her poison.
And what a poison it is! It's like a 'superbug' - impervious to all reason, untouched by logic, deaf to the most basic appeals to human decency! Is it any wonder they thrive? And as you know, even those with the strongest of constitutions can be weaked by the HPD. Furthermore, this poison shifts - it mutates depending on where they have you at any moment in time and it adapts to what they find you need.

So such periods need to be lived through. The eternally seductive HPD lives on, even after you've removed the roots she buried so deeply inside the very best part of you. And in the vast expanse I spoke of earlier, there's room for her to stretch out and grow again - to cause you to consider exactly what happened...and so maybe, just maybe you misunderstood something, and so if you tried harder and she tried harder...and it was so good when it was good between you, wasn't it? Be careful....
While time does heal, it can also cover the past with a gaussian blur - and that's a very subtle effect, it's a simple and elegant way of disguising something. But always remember you left her for a reason. You left because you found the strength to admit the truth of many things about her, about yourself and of the life/lie you shared.

Wait a minute, what about the HPD? This can't only be about victims. What about the point of view of the HPD? Okay, here goes; I wonder what she's doing now? Certainly, she won't be investing any valuable time thinking of me. But I think of her right now - I actively pursue further understanding of her role in my (past) life and what she is. Ah, dear HPD...you're a fading legend only in your own eyes. You're the anti-hero, right? - the antithesis of everything that's good about being human. But it's comfortable on you. Lucky old you. All I have is freedom to question myself and my motives and my future, while you're still in the same cramped place, finely honing your selective hearing, choosing to be open to what only you want to see and hear and feel. Don't worry though, because once in a while a fully signed-up card-carrying apologist will come along waving your banner and will keep the kind of company with you that you need. And if not that, there's still plenty of time for you - all those long years ahead, ready to be filled with you blaming others for not understanding that you're honestly making the effort to not be HPD anymore.
Why don't they take you seriously? Really, where is your support? Why don't they understand you? Why won't they accept that it's not all your fault? And why, no, how dare they question you and your words and your intent?! Nevermind, you've plenty of time to win them over. You'll get there eventually - this is certain. And when you do, then you'll definitely be happy, yes? Yes?

Meanwhile, somewhere, someone is falling for the HPD for the first time. This person might be naive in some ways. Or perhaps they're experienced in life? Do they themselves have a high standard of morals? Do they have integrity? Or maybe they're not a nice guy. But here's the thing - they don't deserve to be abused by you. And they shouldn't have to still deal with your abuse after they leave you. You know why this is? No, you don't know why. And even if you could answer that question, you'll never do so. You can't, because there's a part of you missing - the most important part of all.


I've had a fairly good week. No, all things considered I've had a great week. And although I never saw it coming, I've been enjoying myself - how about that? As always, my regular visits to this forum have contributed to that - sometimes people can help even when they're not aware of doing so. Some offer support or simple understanding, while others conform to the pathetic stereotype and in doing so reinforce my position. And what a position - further into the future with wider eyes and a sense of anticipation. It's good to be me. At the very least, it's better to be me than be HPD.

If you've got this far, thanks for reading. As always, all the best.

Wow.
I hope in my case things will soon progress to the point of improvement. I was never physically involved with my HPD encounter. We worked together for a few years, and i was able to deflect her advances until one day I dropped my defenses to "help". Thing went downhill from there. I am now trying to fight off an accusation of stalking her. The "friendship" cost me my job, not to mention many $'s in legal fees. I'm glad I no longer work with her, and my new job is a hell of a lot less stressful than my previous one. I thought things were on track until our latest hearing. Seeing her brought back all the old emotions again. Amazing how someone so dysfunctional can still have a hold on you.

Harry wrote...Meanwhile, somewhere, someone is falling for the HPD for the first time. This person might be naive in some ways. Or perhaps they're experienced in life? Do they themselves have a high standard of morals? Do they have integrity? Or maybe they're not a nice guy. But here's the thing - they don't deserve to be abused by you. And they shouldn't have to still deal with your abuse after they leave you. You know why this is? No, you don't know why. And even if you could answer that question, you'll never do so. You can't, because there's a part of you missing - the most important part of all.


Harry you are so go at expressing and Identifying the victims of HPDS thought process. What you say in your post is so dead on...I hope to be able too express myself like that once I fully start to heal.

I ve been in relatiionships before but the one with me HPD will haunt me for the rest of my life...the emotional blackmail has really hit the deepest parts of my soul. Yet,I know like you said...my exHPD has no idea how bad she hurt me and if she does know she
enjoyed it! But I will never know because she will never answer any questions that I have asked...Never!

Thanks Harry!

cmj85 wrote:

Harry you are so go at expressing and Identifying the victims of HPDS thought process. What you say in your post is so dead on...I hope to be able too express myself like that once I fully start to heal.

I ve been in relatiionships before but the one with me HPD will haunt me for the rest of my life...the emotional blackmail has really hit the deepest parts of my soul. Yet,I know like you said...my exHPD has no idea how bad she hurt me and if she does know she
enjoyed it! But I will never know because she will never answer any questions that I have asked...Never!

Thanks Harry!

You're welcome.

If I'm able to write anything that resonates with you, then it's only because of the insight and shared experiences from posters such as yourself and all the others here. There have been times when I felt so lost in it all - but then I read something from someone or I've thought about a post made by another. That's been helping me put it all together.

You mentioned that it'll haunt you for the rest of your life. While I know that everyone is different and so we all deal with stuff differently, I wouldn't be surprised if you find that the effects of her abuse will fade more and more, until her influence is as small as the full stop at the end of this sentence. Really, they're not worth the time. Your future is going to be bright and so filled with you and your son, that she won't be able to prey upon your spirit.

I know they don't like to answer any real questions, but any answer they could give isn't really important. They're nothing. In themselves they're nothing, and so they have nothing of real value to offer to anyone.

As ever, time and patience is key. Keep working on it and you'll continue to heal.