Do HPD's try to make you jealous?

My ex HPD wife would frequently mention other men. When we were dating she would say things like, "I'm used to being with taller men." I never had a problem with my stature until I met her. No matter the environment, she would find a way to talk about other men. She once went to her niece's funeral who was 3 when she died. When I asked her how the funeral went she talked about some tall men that were at the funeral. Isn't it weird that she would notice men at such a sad time or is it just me? Even when she took the children to the playground while I was at work she would mention how men would approach her while she was sitting on the bench watching the children play. Sometimes the men were much older in their 50's or 60's. Anyway, I would bring it up to her that she always talked about other men. She stated that I was just being jealous. She denied any wrong doing. This drove me nuts. How can they do things that are definitely wrong then just deny them and better yet, blame you for getting jealous?

My encounter with HPD included using me to drive her hyper-jealous boyfriend into marrying her. He now checks all of her voice mails, cell phone call, emails etc. To "cover" her relationship with me, she accused me of stalking her. We're still in court, fighting the "Disordered Twins"'

NO!!! They dont care about you nor do they try to make you jealous...
They just do what they want to do and it has nothing to do with you.
They just get what they want and if it makes you jealous they could care less...its just more attention for them.

How can they do things that are definitely wrong then just deny them and better yet, blame you for getting jealous?

If they feel justified in their anger, yes they would use jealousy as a tool to hurt you

They are manipulative and calculating as part of their nature, just as they are hurtful and mean at times. When angered, they do plot retaliation and revenge and feel justified to punish you. Sadly, due to their personality problems, they feel justified in ALL their behaviors, no matter how abusive, selfish, or mean they seem to others. These justifications allow them to treat others in any manner they see fit.

She denies she is doing it cause she knows it infuriates you

sad but true

Getting jealous is stupid. She wouldn't even bring it up, if she thought it wouldn't place her above you.

I believe so, yes. My HPD is a "friend" (we are both female), and it has taken me a long time to recognize the pattern. She'll ask me to have dinner, then cancel because she's too busy. Or, she'll decline an invitation whenever I initiate it. Meanwhile, she talks endlessly about fun outings with all her other friends. Recently, she told me all about a party she was having and asked my opinion about the decor/menu, yet she didn't include me on the guest list. She talks about taking trips with her friends, special events they attend together, etc., yet she's consistently too busy for me. That doesn't stop her, however, from calling and texting constantly to talk/write about nothing. The pattern: I ask, she declines, I pull back, she initiates, I respond affirmatively, she pulls back. I then go out with other friends, she finds out, she gets upset and jealous. I feel badly, I initiate, she pulls back. Once I figured it out, I stopped playing the crazy, confusing game of cat and mouse. I will never know whether these other friends of hers are real or imagined, but I suspect many of her stories are embellished at the very least. I really don't know what exactly she's gaining from this. I am not jealous and the game has only devalued her and our friendship in my mind.

Yes, definitely. Like the OP's ex-wife, my "friend" often mentioned how tall other men were. Or how athletic they were. She is quite tall for a woman (taller than her current partner), but often wears platform shoes so she towers over him.

I believe they do it to chip away at your self-esteem because theirs is so low and they want to drag you down to their level.

Don't get jealous or angry. Just tell her to Google "emasculating behaviour".

byebyeaz wrote:I believe so, yes. My HPD is a "friend" (we are both female), and it has taken me a long time to recognize the pattern. She'll ask me to have dinner, then cancel because she's too busy. Or, she'll decline an invitation whenever I initiate it. Meanwhile, she talks endlessly about fun outings with all her other friends. Recently, she told me all about a party she was having and asked my opinion about the decor/menu, yet she didn't include me on the guest list. She talks about taking trips with her friends, special events they attend together, etc., yet she's consistently too busy for me. That doesn't stop her, however, from calling and texting constantly to talk/write about nothing. The pattern: I ask, she declines, I pull back, she initiates, I respond affirmatively, she pulls back. I then go out with other friends, she finds out, she gets upset and jealous. I feel badly, I initiate, she pulls back. Once I figured it out, I stopped playing the crazy, confusing game of cat and mouse. I will never know whether these other friends of hers are real or imagined, but I suspect many of her stories are embellished at the very least. I really don't know what exactly she's gaining from this. I am not jealous and the game has only devalued her and our friendship in my mind.

The driving goal behind the HPD is to "seek for attention in order to feel accepted/validated". As a consequence, I think this pretty explains what you observed: she wanted attention from you.

As for the original question: again, since HPD sufferers thrive on the seek for attentions, I think they may play on jealousy for three reasons: first, they really seek attentions from other men; second, jealousy is nonetheless a form of attention, so perhaps they feel valued when they perceive jealousy from their partners; third, they often thrive on drama, so inducing jealousy in their partners feeds this need.

I think the question can be pondered independent of HPD, and it's messy.

Messy because jealousy is painful, and figuring out if a.) one is being unnecessarily insecure, or b.) a partner really is playing 'games' is tough to do.

What is the point of jealousy games? I guess several benefits:

1.) It is an ego boost to have > 1 person's attention, desiring you, etc.
2.) It can be seen as 'proof' that the other person is emotionally involved enough to react.
3.) It can also be seen as 'proof' that the other person has self-esteem sore spots; I suppose for some it can be 'empowering' to play on those sore spots.
4.) It's deniable (see point above about it being messy); 'I am not playing a game, you are insecure'

If it is a game, for the person on the other side of the game, it's a no-win scenario because:

1.) If you don't react that can be twisted into it's proof you don't care, and someone else does.
2.) If you do react that is proof you are insecure.

Either way it is unwinnable and putting a loved partner in an unwinnable position... well that only works for 1/2 the people in the relationship, and if both people aren't winning odds are the relationship will fail.

cmj85 wrote:NO!!! They dont care about you nor do they try to make you jealous...
They just do what they want to do and it has nothing to do with you.
They just get what they want and if it makes you jealous they could care less...its just more attention for them.

^ That.