Is she Histrionic, or Narcissistic, or just a martyr?

by **fathom** » Wed Nov 19, 2008 4:46 pm

At the beginning of October, I told my mother that I wasn’t going to have a relationship with her if she wasn’t willing to treat me like an adult and address the issues I was having with our relationship. Her response at the time was to tell me I was crazy and making up every issue I had…none of which I responded to. So…I stopped responding to her emails. Shortly after joining this site, I got the following email from her:

I have thought allot about the last 27 years of late.

Remembering the day you were born...the two year old who wanted to be a doctor...that cute little girl who was so difficult and strong willed that she didn't care if she got her hand slapped...if she could get the candy. The little girl who was brilliant but could NEVER say what she thought...communicate her feelings...say HOW she felt bad when she was sick. I remember my mom who raised 5 difficult children saying that I was the only person in the world who could be patient enough and creative enough to be your mom because you were so frustrating. I remember spending so much time at the elementary school...trying to help your teachers understand you and be good teachers...trying to help you get through while being a struggling single mother with no extra money because of your dad. I remember talking with my friends and family to get ideas on how to get you through your youth. I remember making the choice to ignore the pressure to send you to Duke...because you didn't want to go...or forcing you to go to IB....how did I know to do that...I wasn't much older than you are now when I made those hard decisions.

I had had you 6 years and through 3 prison sentences with your dad when I was the age you are now. I guess you cannot see how hard it is to sympathize with your plights (but no real responsibility). You have spent your life with no one counting on you and many people supporting you...no your dad wasn't one of them...but many, many, many people have believed in you and followed your life to see what you would accomplished...partly because of the admiring way I talked about you and partly because of their own perceptions.

I would have died to have any such support in my life...and can only imagine what amazing things I would have accomplished had I had 1/10 of the support, love, and positive feed back you have received from my friends, [her partner] and ME in your lifetime. You are so lucky, Taylor...and so many times you have squandered that good fortune that I would have loved to have had from ANYONE...much less all those that have loved and supported you.

You have always had a glass-half-empty mentality no matter how good you had it. I have always tried to see my glass as half-full ...and or figure out how to fill it...BY MYSELF...no one to ask for help...no one to turn to...no matter how hard my life has been. I could never tell my mom I didn't have money and ever see her send me money or bail me out...ever...like the many, many times I have done for you.

You had a mother who admitted her mistakes, tried to make things right...gave up her government career to be home with you when you were really going astray...moved to [another city] because you thought it would be better...moved to [a different city] because you thought it would be better...made so many life changing decisions to try to help you be better, feel better...have a better life. I cannot IMAGINE having a mother who ever did ANYTHING FOR ME...ever.

I can't imagine having a mother who ever admitted to making any mistake EVER. I cannot imagine having a mother who helped me surpass her life or wanted that...I cannot imagine having a mother who ever made a sacrifice for me. I did those things for my mother...I did those things for my daughter, her father, all my friends...family

...and the ONLY two people I have ever wanted to be recognized for MY LIFE...my CHOICES...MY Sacrifices...were my mother (who I gave up on a few years ago...and that broke my heart) and my daughter...who everyone said...one day would realize all I have done...and who I am...and now...I realize there is no hope of my daughter being different than my mother and ever admitting that she is wrong...hasn't remembered things correctly...or ever respected what I have done for her...or more so...who I am.

Neither of the two people who I wanted to be loved by...are able to love and respect me...and it is too late for my mother...and now I realize that it will never happen with my daughter.

I am at a loss...and I am a broken woman...and I don't know how to ever get past this. I am sorry.

Is this completely histrionic, or is it something else? It’s just so…martyred, and much of it is fabrication, or a twisting of the truth. She acts as if I never respected or praised her or gave her gratitude, but this was a daily and weekly thing (in my early years because I felt that way, and in the last 10 years because she demands and guilts me into giving her praise and gratitude).

What’s the prognosis? And how should I respond? I found this article that I think is a really good response in and of itself. What are your thoughts?

http://www.doctorhurd.com/index.php/Lif ... nting.html

taylorpie wrote:Is this completely histrionic, or is it something else? It’s just so…martyred, and much of it is fabrication, or a twisting of the truth. She acts as if I never respected or praised her or gave her gratitude, but this was a daily and weekly thing (in my early years because I felt that way, and in the last 10 years because she demands and guilts me into giving her praise and gratitude).

I am starting to believe that your mother and mine are in fact the same person. My mother would also talk about things about the past that never happened. My sister would often interrupt my mother by saying "yeah... but mom... that never happened..." and my mother would be insulted. My sister described my mother as living in a parallel universe with a past and a present different from everybody else's, kinda like in Back to the Future 2. Now whenever she mentions a story, we all take for granted that she is probably making it up as she goes.

However, I think my mother probably made the ultimate act of martydom about a year ago:
My father died, and we learned that all of his three children would get the inheritance. While we were all mourning the death of our father, all she was talking about was us getting money and not her despite having been her wife (like 20 years ago...). My uncle was the one taking in charge the inheritance, and while me and my sister were talking with him, I got somewhat of a premonition that I didn't want to share with them out of passing for a paranoid. I then decided to tell them: seeing that she doesn't get money and that the attention is on our dead father, she will probably attempt suicide; a controlled suicide by pills where she is certain to survive, but still get the victimhood and attention of somebody that attempted suicide. Both of them looked at me with a look on their face that said: "Mister... you make too much sense...", they both were completely unsurprised by my comment.
What do you think happened a week later? Surprise! My mother attempted suicide with pills! Good thing is that understanding what happened, one of my aunts disowned my mother on the spot.

taylorpie wrote:What’s the prognosis? And how should I respond? I found this article that I think is a really good response in and of itself. What are your thoughts?

Personally, what I would do is to respond with that:
"Then remember today as the day you lost your child."
and never contact her ever again.

by **MyWave** » Thu Nov 20, 2008 1:43 am

I know the need to want to name what she has, but does it really matter? No matter what her diagnosis, bottom line is she is toxic to be around and emotionally abusive towards you and your loved ones...

What is left is the path to protect yourself. I feel for you because I also had a mom and currently a sister who have bpd/npd that fluctuate back and forth. Growing up with them gave me quite a distorted view of normalcy...to the point when my hpd came along I thought some of the things she was doing were in the normal range when in truth they were crazy as hell! It took therapy and really working on some co-dep traits to fully realize their unrelenting abuse...

I also sadly found that they really cannot relate to me in any other way. I stay away not because I want too, but because it is best for me and my own health. Being good to myself meant making the hard choices but once I did, I noticed my healing increase substantially

Thank god for this forum and the knowledge base about PD's

by **shivers** » Thu Nov 20, 2008 2:05 am

She's all 3....but it doesn't make any difference, like MyWave states.

We could rename that email to 'emotional blackmail', it contains nothing less. It's all about how badly she's been treated by everyone around her. It's full of her own victim status. Everything in that email is designed to make you feel guilty.

Have you investigated that book I mentioned yet? It's all explained in there.

It's up to you to break yourself free. As I said yesterday, you have the power.

Replying to that email is a road to nowhere, or to be more exact is a road to more guilt tripping placed on you and more martyrdom for her.

by **fathom** » Thu Nov 20, 2008 6:09 pm

Shivers, you are fabulous. Thanks so much for the book recommendation...I'll check it out this weekend.

Thanks to everyone who has responded! It's just what I needed to hear. You guys are all awesome.

by **donlimpio** » Thu Nov 20, 2008 11:58 pm

Taylorpie,

I'm very exhausted so I'll be extremely brief here.

Both of my parents had an extremely hard and trying life. Both grew up during world war II and both were sexually abused, not even speaking of the very wrong education they got at home. They faced hardship after hardship and were never spared.

You know what? How do you think I know this stuff about my parents? It took me years of painstaking "internal" research, trying to discern the patterns in my brain, trying to make sense of what was imprinted on my brain with my mother's milk. Neither of my parents, to this day, EVER EVER told me about this...

A truly loving parent puts his or her child first... This is nothing supernatural or worthy of only the most dedicated parents: it is extremely NORMAL!!!! Both of my parents could have blamed everything they wanted on me, but instead chose to be honest...

by **donlimpio** » Fri Nov 21, 2008 12:28 pm

Taylorpie,

I'm afraid that I didn't make a lot of sense yesterday, as exhausted as I was. What I was trying to say was:

My parents were great parents. They wanted their children to always feel loved, safe and appreciated. Both when we were young and even nowadays (we're all in between 30 and 40 now, four kids).

Now... Your mom... There is a greaaaat contradiction between how she describes how she used to be, and how she treats you now. I read her words with great distrust and I think: if she really was this great supportive mother all the time, it's a bit suspicious that she's now such a vindictive and complaining b*tch towards, without being able to pinpoint anything concrete you did.

Don't worry about your sanity: it's obvious from what she writes that SHE is the difficult one, although her words try to say otherwise.

by **Chaosanity** » Fri Nov 21, 2008 3:13 pm

I am just taking a shot on this one but it sounds like she typed an email to herself...

My hpd spouse used to say things to me in an accusing manner that were things she just had done within a day or two.

She just did today actually. Last night she told me she thinks she had to work at 1:00, so I planned on meeting her to get my baby at 12:30. That was enough time for me to drag out tools and finish painting a room in my house. At 9:00 that next morning she calls and says that her job hasn't called to let her know what is up and she thinks they let her go. She has to go get applications and asked if I still wanted the baby. I said yes and can you wait for a while to go job hunting. She said, "I knew you would cancel plans." Ummmm....yep, acted like it was fine. i said, "No, I just thought it was gonna be 12:30 and I'm in the middle of a project." She says, "Gotta go, my mom is calling." She doesn't call back and I call her after a while to find out her mom is going to get the baby. She lives almost an hour away. Later in the day, my wife (or whatever) calls and says that she is going to get off work and go get the baby and bring her. Time passes, she calls again says she is just leaving to go get her (she had been at her boyfriend's house, well her house now too). But now it's late so she wants me to come meet her. Yep, change of plans #3. Well time passes and I'm thinking that its silly to even mess with it. Something has gotta be going on, as in she has some special plans or is trying to get under my skin. So her next call comes through and she says, "I'm so tired maybe we should just forget doing that tonight." I say, "Awesome, that's funny cause that's what I was thinking...cool, okay i'll talk to you later."

She changed the plans 4 times and she always tells me that I ALWAYS CHANGE PLANS. Good day - hilarious Bad day - wanna go postal.

I've been living easier just going with the flow and creating my own chaosanity.

Is she Histrionic, or Narcissistic, or just a martyr?

Is she Histrionic, or Narcissistic, or just a martyr?

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