Please, God. Someone make it stop.

I'm going to challenge your thought processes here. This type of thinking is stopping you from seeing the road ahead as clear as it should be. Put the behaviour back on her. She is the way she is. Don't romanticise it with things like "If only she...." "It was my fault she's like this..." "If she didn't do ....."

taylorpie wrote:she really would be a great grandmother, as she was a fabulous mother to me as a child (all the way until I hit 15 and wanted more independence from her, which she took as an attack).

Why do you say that you caused her to change? The reality is that you didn't. She was always like that, right from the time before were born, she's always been that way, and she will always be that way. Before you were 15 she had more control over you, and then when they start to lose control as their children become more independent, they become angry, more guilt inducing and more manipulative. Honestly, don't blame yourself on this score.

taylorpie wrote:She's a warm, loving individual

Really? After all the heartache she's caused you, she's warm and loving? Are you sure about that? This is the cycle of abusive behaviour, they suck you in with being nice, then wham! next thing you know, there's a curve ball that's come from left field that's left you dazed and wondering what the hell went wrong.

taylorpie wrote:and I think her world would lighten considerably (and maybe I would get the sane, happy mother I used to have back) when she got to spend time with her grandchildren.

Why? She never was a sane and happy mother, the difference here is that you've grown up and are seeing her differently. If she spends more time with her grand-children she'll use them as tools to get to you anyway. I bet her relationship life-cycle has been 'on-again' 'off-again', don't think she won't do that with your kids. If you do something that upsets her, like have a different opinion than her, she'll be 'off-again' and who suffers because of that behaviour. The grandkids.

taylorpie wrote:I don't want to deprive her of that,

But it's not you deciding to deprive her of anything. If she acted normal, or even almost normal, she could have a relationship with you and her grand-kids. But it's her decision to act like she does, and if it's unacceptable, it's unacceptable. That's her choice. It's her decision that she desprives herself of a good relationship with her grand-kids, not you depriving her.

taylorpie wrote:but I don't want to deal with the guilt and martyrdom of "why don't you let me see my grandchildren more?" and "why don't you move closer to us so we can visit with them more?"

If you told her the truth, she won't believe you anyway. This is the the martyrdom, narcissistic game. If you tell her that she's behaving badly, she'll turn it back on you. She has no respect for your boundaries.

taylorpie wrote:she really is a good woman at heart,

Really? Why do we say these things to ourselves, when people act badly towards us for year after year after year, and then we say they are good in their hearts. Look, if people were good in their hearts, they'd be good. Attitudes such as this are best if they turned upside down. Such as thinking that she's bad in her heart, but puts on a good front now and then to draw in unsuspecting victims. And then when they're in, they strike.

taylorpie wrote:she's just got a lot of mental issues that she refuses to acknowledge.

That's right, and until she acknowledges them, your relationship with her is going absolutely nowhere. It's up to her to recognise her bad behaviour and reflect back on her life and fix her future behaviour.

taylorpie wrote:I've got NO PROBLEM writing her out of my life. "No, I won't allow you to control me in this way again." It's a great feeling.

Excellent, let's hope you keep it that way.

Good luck. And I hope I've opened up a different window on how to view these emotionally draining people.

Cheers