HPD Stare?

Smacster wrote:To preface, the "Thousand Yard Stare" is the look people get when they disassociate. I have worn the stare many times, and it's generally after I go through such a turbulent and depressed state that my brain cannot take any more, so it just shuts off.

This is the classic 'HPD stare' that most people here talk about. You catch them in a lie, or make them acknowledge something they didn't want to. Whatever caused it, their fabricated world view has been shaken up enough that they have to literally shut down all other activity for a few seconds to rebuild it. All their attention is going towards repressing whatever bad they just encountered, hence the creepy 'dead' look in the eyes. The lights are on but right now, nobody's home.

I think some people also refer to the high-pressure seduction behaviour as the 'stare'. This is when she's trying to 'set hooks' in someone, she'll sit very close to them, always staring straight at them, lots of eye contact. Huge smile, slightly-too-loud laugh at everything he says. Very intimate body language, body facing his directly and closer than usually socially appropriate. Eyes very wide, it's like she's got "high beam" on. You can almost see the funnel she is projecting, sucking every scrap of his attention towards her so he's focussed on her and nothing else. It's like watching flotsam be sucked into a whirlpool.

notchonherbelt wrote: It is as though all the circuits are off, all humanity has left and you are looking at a black soul. Empty, devoid of emotion. "Cold Hate"

Good description.... the circuits off, looking into emptiness / blackness.... that is what I was seeing.

After reading for days here and wanting to answer question after question the non's have asked over the years I felt a strong pull to answer this as a male HPD.

TatteredKnight said:

“The lights are on but right now, nobody's home.”

About the stare and others have mentioned the 2 stares. One distant and the other like ‘cold hate’.
I know I have had 3. My wife has commented on 2 of them on a number of occasions. I also think that many of you may be confusing 2 of them.

First the empty look like no one is home:
When she has confronted me on lies of a large nature that, as TatteredKnight put it:

“Their fabricated world view has been shaken up enough that they have to literally shut down all other activity for a few seconds to rebuild it.”

That is EXACTLY what is taking place in my head: How to rebuild it, what lie am I going to use to cover it? How am I going to half truth out of this one? What does she want to hear that will give her just enough to think she has the answer she wants or close to it?
It’s not that I have disconnected, I am thinking faster than I ever have, paying attention better than EVER to find the flaw in YOUR argument, YOUR words to turn them back on you. To make YOU question yourself for even asking me. To make you question yourself as to what you REALLY want to know. I HAVE to find a way to create doubt in your mind!

The second look is truly empty. Not ‘cold hate’. It’s empty to an extreme that you may not understand therefore confuse it with hatful. You will know this look if you ever force one of us to break character without exploding.
Smacster summed up the results well:

“It was devastating. To hear her speak honestly and plainly for the first time. I never want this to happen again.”

When my wife has forced me in the past to speak when I did not without leaving me an out or an argument or lie to cling too I am sure she would agree with Smacster’s statement. It is at this time I am void of all things. Life, emotion, thought. Just empty. I’m answering her questions and feeling the rage it creates but have no reaction, no thoughts, nothing.

The final one you all have likely seen and describe it well when you use the word ‘cold’ but I do not believe it is ‘hate’, at least not with me. I will tell you this but I am sure you already have figured this out:
It is at that point you cease to mean anything.

people comment on my eyes a lot. strangers have said, 'wow, you just gave me an evil look with your eyes,' and i never intended it. i've been told by someone i spent an hour or so with that he could tell by my eyes i was dangerous, or 'naughty,' again, i never intended it and don't ever know what people mean.

as for the blank stare, that's dissociation brought on by psychological fatigue, depression. at work, i gained the reputation of being absent-minded, floating off into some abstract place. when people talk to me i reply with, 'huh?...' it gives an impression that you're really slow on the uptake, but processing everything can be laborious when you are psychologically highly sensitive. there's almost always something being experienced mentally (comes from being sensorally highly tuned), and switching off regularly is a necessity. i inhabit every experience, external or internal, very strongly. this is why HPDers and BPDers are so emotionally erratic, every slight experience is felt to its extreme possibility. this is partly why temporary dissociation and sociopathy are the result, possibly.

also, blank stares are a possible mechanism for controlling an upsurge of internal emotion.

i went out with a socio male, and the 'no one's home' stare was there when his interest/composure was flagging, as well as the predatory, possessed, 'i'm putting you in a trance stare.'

when i see photos of myself, i can't work out if my eyes are either evil looking, or soft and prey-like. let's just they are a talking point.
but the blank stare, yes, pd people have blank stares, interspersed with intensity, and with me, vulnerability. i can manipulate my face and eyes easily, and sometimes i can't. eyebrows are good to play with too. lol.

Interesting indeed and I'd like to share some observations.

Three types of stare/mode I've noticed.

I. The theatrical stare (Not a confrontation, used to create drama, set hooks, test value, get attention...)
It wasn't pointed to me in my face. Rather on the ground, fixed at some object or something like that. You can see that the eyes stopped moving and concentration went mentally inwards.

Usually an environmental parameter triggers some sort of introvert thought process. For example, if I loose attention of the person it can be used to regain it. This is the moment when the entertainment began. Phrases like "I don't believe relationships last forever", "I need you to be my teacher" and "Your family doesn't like me".

Honestly... This gave me quite a few "WTF?!!"-moments.... Reminds me a lot of how kids and teenagers create drama to get attention.

First red flag moment

II. The oooops stare (Confrontation, begins with a normal conflict)
You could see how troubled the look in the eyes became. A uncomfortable situation is developing.

This is when the person realised that what they said/did doesn't make sense and that I've already called the bluff. It looked basically as the person had to stop time and rebuild the situation. It's like catching a child with their hands in the cookie jar. The excuses can sometimes be entertaining and eventually the person would admit of being wrong.

^^^^
This is where the normality ends.

In a "oops" situation there is still a desire to get the will through. So if the person would loose control by flawed logic and proven wrong. The "win" would still occur by simply repeat the said/did thing even though there was a loss in the argue department. It is a way to pass boundaries.

Second red flag moment

III. The rage stare (Confrontation)
When this person went into rage, the eyes got totally black. Though I doubt that is a specific HPD thing it was a very easy give-away sign.

Once this "mode" was tuned in. You could stop talking. There was absolutely no point do have any discussion or argue at all. It would either result in total silence (flee behaviour) or if cornered strongly into a extreme rage. "You don't want me to have any friends", "You want make me your trophy" and "You want to mentally brake me".

What could happen is that the II.Ooops got over to III.Rage.

The scary about the rage outbursts where two things.
A.) They carried no logic whatsoever.
B.) The person actually believed 100% in what was said.

Third red flag moment

So these are the three types I've come across.

and we are the ones with the poor emotion control?

- get over it, it's a blank stare. correct, there is nothing there, no one home, try again tomorrow when your not being so dramatic. that's when your drama is shutting us down.

- and yes I have been told I have a very intense stare. also, I have found I tend to make people see a stare that is empty of love and then people call it being very "real". (and it's not even empty of love it's just a so what behavior do you want me to stop already?)

- I also have a rage hate stare. There is no one home at that point, try again tomorrow we will return eventually.

psychnurse wrote:I began telling her things to tell him.."tell him it was nice to finally meet him" "tell him I'll see him again in court"..then the look from hell. "Is there anything else you need to say to me?" she said. I'm 46 and that was the coldest, cruelest thing I've ever experienced.

Kettle calls the pot black? - maybe you earned it.

old topic, but was highly interested because i identified the stare in my HPD ex. Found this interesting passage which could be related:

"Histrionic Personalities often suffer from Disassociative Episodes and these episodes almost always show up in a pivotal scene. A disassociative episode occurs when stress becomes too high to manage with more adaptive defenses. In a disassociative moment, they separate thoughts, feelings, and actions. They react in an unconscious manner. They may reflexively act provocatively, but are unaware of any sexual thought or feeling"

Interestingly: in some case i got the 'stare' when discussing intellectual topics. At the moment she had to give an opinion or give some arguments it was like she couldn't process.

nomOre

"Histrionic Personalities often suffer from Disassociative Episodes and these episodes almost always show up in a pivotal scene. A disassociative episode occurs when stress becomes too high to manage with more adaptive defenses. In a disassociative moment, they separate thoughts, feelings, and actions. They react in an unconscious manner. They may reflexively act provocatively, but are unaware of any sexual thought or feeling"

That's a great passage. Where did that come from?

Maybe some pwHPD out there can comment on this topic, and dissociation, to give us an intimate thought portrait of what's going on during these moments...?

notchonherbelt wrote:Especially the cold hate. It is as though all the circuits are off, all humanity has left and you are looking at a black soul. Empty, devoid of emotion. "Cold Hate"

Holy crap.... I've seen this look from her!
It was an expression I had never seen before in my entire life, until about 2 months after she filed for divorce. It was scary. Her face clearly read "I hate you with every ounce of my being"