HPD Stare?

To preface, the "Thousand Yard Stare" is the look people get when they disassociate. I have worn the stare many times, and it's generally after I go through such a turbulent and depressed state that my brain cannot take any more, so it just shuts off.

Anyways, I got the apology from girl in question, but I really wish I didn't ask for it. So cold. I could have sworn there was a layer of blue behind her black eyes. The girl had been crashing at my place every night for different reasons; one night, "some kids drugged her at a party", the next "her friends ditched her and she had to walk home alone". All #######4 ways to exploit my kindness, but in any event I reached my breaking point and woke her up and asked her "What the hell do you want with me?" She tried to avoid, but I persisted vigorously. Once she knew she wasn't going to get away, it was like a switch flipped in her brain. She lit up a smoke, and started muttering in a dull, blank voice about our relationship. This was when I first knew something wasn't right. I asked her why she liked me; she framed everything around herself. Couldn't list any of my attributes, just her own. "I am this, I like this, I see you like this, You try to control me, etc".

It was devastating. To hear her speak honestly and plainly for the first time. I never want this to happen again.

And yes - two stares. The first is when they're bored, and need validation. Keep in mind they are always bored. This first stare is generally focused on a mirror. Second is the death stare. And if you care about person in question, it is truly fearsome.

Saw the "cold hate" stare mentioned on September 6th...our last face to face. We were at the hospital with our daughter who ended up having surgery. We had been there all day, my wife said she needed to use the restroom, after aproximately 15 minutes, I just had a wierd feeling. I went down to the lobby and there she sat with her new man and his mother. I promptly went up and introduced myself, offered my hand to him, and he paused and shook it and introduced himself. She sat there totally emotionless. She asked them up to the room, I told them they weren't welcome, the mother said they didn't want any trouble, they left. She walked back into our daughters room, proceeded to kiss her on the forehead as if nothing had ever happened. Her new guy called her on her cell, she walked out of the room as I followed her into the hall. I began telling her things to tell him.."tell him it was nice to finally meet him" "tell him I'll see him again in court"..then the look from hell. "Is there anything else you need to say to me?" she said. I'm 46 and that was the coldest, cruelest thing I've ever experienced. I suppose mine kept the play going for me for 18 years. I have little doubt she has had other affairs, but this time she decided to move along. I guess that deep down I'm thankful. Thankful I no longer have to deal with the lies and manipulation, I'd reached the point I truly thought I was having paranoid delusions.

cmj85 wrote:During the stare I think they are really dissociating and repressing any kind of emotions in order to protect themselves so that they can continue the behavior. By doing this they believe they are in no fault and the blame shifting begins.

Yes.... Bingo. Incredible!

I remember the last time we met. I DID NOT grovel but expressed my disappointment that we couldn't come to terms because the circumstances were otherwise perfect. She was stead-fast in her position that "it just wasn't meant to be". I decided not to engaged her anymore (which I felt she wanted) and offered to walk her back to her car. At that point, it was as if she shifted into a whole new frame of mind (freaky) - dis-associating I think is accurate - another "zone" if you will - just to keep talking to me - attention seeking maybe??

Now that I look back, it's frightening to see the zone shifts in her thinking.

While I'm on the subject.... has anyone noticed that while talking about normal day-to-day activities, they would refer to individuals (who you never met/heard of before) by first name? Like in the middle of a discussion, she would say "Sue" or "he" or "she". I would ask myself "Who the hell is Sue?" or "Who the hell is "he"...... much like a 4 year old would describe their day at pre-shool. I found that her syntax would often get so convoluted that she was the only one who new the code. Of course the blame always got shifted to me because I wasn't paying close enough attention.

I've not previously seen a particular stare or look described in the list of symptoms I've seen, so this was a bit of a shock.

Yes, I know (and would like to know better - unspeakably dumb, huh?) an HPD. I've known her several years and we're pretty well acquainted. She's currently out on one of her "other men" loops - for around the fourth time - but we still see each other once a week for a few hours. And yes - the "stare" is something I really recognise. Although she's with her "man of the moment" (a truism if ever there was one) most of the time I look in her direction she's staring directly at me. I can see why some call it a "reptilian" stare, but it's not quite that. There's cognisance in it.

I make a point of moving to some absorbtive activity - listening to music, talking to friends - and try not to return it.

The stare was usually followed by, "Umm. Yah................"

I'm not sure I've experienced that same kind of stare as everyone else...

But I do recall my NPD-ex would get this look in his eyes, but it wasn't in a sexy way - rather a cruel and scary, almost predatory one.

I've seen a similar look in my HPD friend when she's targeted me as the source of attention - her "supply".

Seen it. Best example was when I told him I was leaving. I wouldn't call it cold hate -- it was wayyy creepier than that -- just nothingness.

Hello all.

I clicked on the links that MyWave put out and I might be a little confused on this. Some are saying that this stare is a look of hatred while that top link says it is more a look of seduction as like described a vampire seduces it's victims. Not really seeing how that stare can be used as a look of hatred though. Do I have this stare?? I am really unsure, but I know I was in junior high when I first noticed that my eyes were a part of the attraction boys had for me.

And then as I got older and the men came around, they made more comments about my eyes than even the boys did. Of course they said my eyes were pretty, but the most that they could describe them as is "bedroom eyes" and not for what I wear on them because I don't wear much on them except a little eye liner and mascera. I don't wear eye shadows very often at all and so it isn't like they are all painted up into what you see as the "bedroom eyes" on models or women in Hollywood. Perhaps I had this stare that you talk of.

I have always wondered how the magazine people get the celebreties to stare like that for the pictures, and perhaps it is something that you either have or you don't. I am not sure. But my biggest curiosity is......... does this stare lure in those around us, or does it run people off?? I don't see how a "reptilian" stare would lure anyone in. Just curious.

Scarlett1939 wrote: I have always wondered how the magazine people get the celebreties to stare like that for the pictures, and perhaps it is something that you either have or you don't. I am not sure. But my biggest curiosity is......... does this stare lure in those around us, or does it run people off?? I don't see how a "reptilian" stare would lure anyone in. Just curious.

Scarlet,

The look didn't lure me in as you say. For me the looks didn't appear until other signs started months later. Granted, her smile and eyes were a huge attraction for me when she used them in her "attraction mode". She could absolutely melt me with that smile. The 2 "stares" are completely separated from any attraction to her, and are downright spooky at best. Especially the cold hate. It is as though all the circuits are off, all humanity has left and you are looking at a black soul. Empty, devoid of emotion. "Cold Hate"

I think when that one arrives, you just as soon start making your plans to move on, the die is cast. Most probably by that point they have already prep'd their new supply and are just waiting for the right moment for them to inflict the most damage on you, and get the most pleasure in it for them. It is a very bothersome thing to witness and have aimed at you.

Hope this helps.

Thanks, Notch...

Ok, that explains it a little... I don't believe I ever have had that stare or anything remotely close to that. I don't tune people out when I listen to them. I really try to understand what the other person is talking and feeling of when they share something with me. I think I must have been taking into consideration of what an HPD does best of luring those in around them as many of descriptions and definitions have said. I wonder where that stare comes from. Is it isolated only to HPD or to other PDs as well or even some nons. I would imagine it comes from somewhere deep that no one really would want to ever know or experience. Sad though that they have it, but I agree if one sees this early on in a relationship, they should probably cut ties and run.

Thank you for the help.

S