Children of HPD/Other PD Parent(s)

Thank you to Learningtobreathe and everyone else with words of advise. I have a soon to be ex-H wife and I have three kids. The oldest is a boy who is almost 15, girls 12 and 10. I am very very worried about them when the divorce happens (soon). I don't know if I can provide the support they need without some additional professional help. My kids don't see the issue yet so if I tell them we need to go talk to someone they may rebel against me. My thoughts are go get some advice from a professional on how to identify signs and how to lessen the manipulation to the children so they grow up as healthy as possible. Any advice would be much appreciated. I'm reading all the time on the disorder so I can better understand it and how to live with it. I actually think my mother has it also and that is why I married one - You marry your mother right!

Wow! What a great forum! I just googled "histrionic personality disorder parent" and this thread came up.

I hadn't seen my mum for about 12 months. We have a mutual friend who I was catching up with today for xmas and my mum had given her presents to pass on to me. I decided to invite mum around for a drink.

Within seconds of her arrival my heart started pounding. She burst into tears & sobbed that she loved me and missed me. I probably sound like a bitch complaining about that when I haven't given her the time of day for 12 months or so - but she's always been SOOO emotional. Its only been in the last few years that I've stopped automatically crying whenever she does. I feel the only way I get through these interactions with her is to avoid eye contact for pretty much the whole time, change the subject when she starts on something I don't want to talk about and ignore a whole lot of other behaviour.

We have gone to counselling together in the past and I've tried many times to communicate with her assertively (face to face, via text, email and letters) to no avail. Everytime I identify a behaviour that isn't helpful she just says, "Oh! Did that upset you? I never thought of it the way you have." She doesn't apologise or say she wont do it again and inevitably we go through a cycle of her doing it again or some slight variant of the behaviour which she seems to be oblivious is pretty much the same thing. So in recent years I've decided its time to save my energy for myself and the people I love who are caring and respectful.

She is so overly affectionate to my 5-year-old daughter (obviously just trying to fulfil her own need for affection/love & not considering my daughter's wants/needs/feelings whatsoever). She asked me one question about how I was and then proceeded to finish off my sentences with what she assumed I was going to say, talking over the top of me and then redirecting the conversation so it was about her. Then she proceeded to bitch about other mutual acquaintences that she could "tsk tsk" about. It seems to make her feel superior/good about herself.

Anyway - its nice to have a place to blather on about this. I'm determined not to let today's meeting bother me. Just do a quick vent & then get on with things. Maybe I'll invite her around for a quick drink again this time next year?!?! The truth is I miss her and I wish I could have a relationship with my mum. I know she loves me in her own way. But I can't cope with her being around because it just makes me feel like I don't exist and I don't have any thoughts/feelings/opinions. Its taken me ages to figure out who I am and what I want and how to have balanced relationships with others where these needs can be balanced with theirs. I still feel guilty about asking for things a lot in my relationship, despite my partner being a lovely, generous & patient man.

This forum is great. I wish I had someone in my life as a youngster who helped me get some perspective on my mother. Honestly I've had some great teachers, sports coaches, employers & friends who have seen ME over the years, and I don't know where I would be today if it wasn't for them. I think its terrific that the this forum gives people a space to problem solve for dealing with these people as parents. The post above with the numbered points was RIGHT ON! Sounds like your step daughter is lucky to have you!

All the best everyone - Merry Christmas

xo

I know this has not been an active post as of late. My step-daughter and grandson live with us and she is believed by us to be BPD however under the guidlines she could qualify for BPD and HPD. She does have an aunt with HPD.

The mother constantly projects her feelings onto him as though they are one and the same speaking in 'we' terms. "we are hot, cold, we will have a bad day if socks weren't put on in the same order (throw in some OCD too)" We don't like that shirt or those shorts."

by Run

As a child of a HPD (with elements of NPD and Borderline) this seems almost to good to be true. I think it is hard for an adult to do this all. But, shortly it is true that affirming the feelings of a child, talking with the child to let it grow up knowing who she/he is and what she wants, and let him/her lead sometimes just for fun, or in a game, is very healthy. And also: correct the HPD'er! It don't has to be so difficult. The HPD'er likes conflicts with the child and talk toward others about how bad the child is. Tell the HPD'er that that is a very childish behaviour, and that she or he should talk with the child to seek a solution in stead of making it all worse. Looking back I wondered why nobody corrected my mother that way and let her talk bad about me, me who was lazy, was making the life of my mother a mess etcetera.

Reading the above posts I get the feeling it is necessary to correct the HP but doing it in a fashion that won't make things worse would be my goal. Luckily she is so self absorbed my wife and I are with him 90% of the time maybe more. When she is present though her expectations are way out of left field and unrealistic. I need a good way to tell her that he is not feeling what she is. I usually say "why, did he tell you he didn't like those shorts?" I finish it with I understand if you don't like them and you are telling me that but he has no way of expressing that yet (he is 20 months).
There was a post earlier dealing with the discourse and how it should be handled and I thank you for that. I will need more coaching sources in the future if I am to minimize the damage she can cause. As of today I know that finding the least inflammatory way of correcting her in front of him is what I need to practice......reading from a child of an HPD on this board earlier I don't want my grandson to wonder why his papa didn't say something....for that I am forever in your debt.

Thank you.

I'm about 2 months away from divorce now. The past year or so have been good and bad but my ex H is medicating herself more and more. She is taking anti depressants and still drinks 2-4 drinks on average a day. She has a boyfriend, whom she cheated on me with 1.5 years ago, and she is hiding it from the kids. She acts like everything is great most of the time but when confronted she turns into Jeckle. She already has turned most of our friends against me but after standing back and looking at those people they were exactly role models in society to begin with. Good Riddens to them!!! Yesterday she took my son to his sport practice and once she was gone I noticed an empty beer and an empty rum and coke. So she drank about 3 drinks before going to his practice. There is a bar where he plays so she drank a couple more while there. I knew she would be driving home with too many drinks in her so I called the police and made sure she didn't drive him home. She got a ride and she bad mouthed me to my son the entire way home. He is really mad at me and I told him the reason I did it was because I was worried about his safety. I can tell the next 11 years in which I share custody is going to be a living hell.

From experience how do children of an HPD deal with the disorder if the parents are divorced? Do kids realize on their own that something isn't right. Because I can't prove she is sick I have to share custody with her. I really wonder if the kids will eventually realize that I'm stable and avoid her altogether. I don't want to take them away from her but I also want to limit the amount of negativity they are surrounded with. From what I can tell I'm the only person in her entire life that has challenged her to this degree. Her family knows she has a drinking problem but they would rather enable her than try to fix it. I'm the only one that can advocate for my kids when it comes to her. Any advice would be great......I just want my kids to be happy and enjoy their lives without the drama.

IMO children don't care about this stuff, only parental love, so give lots of it. Talking smack about the other parent will look bad to the kid.

Imarriedanhpd:

It is easy to end up being the bad guy when trying to fix things. Worry can cause you to take actions before the hpd actually commits an offense and you can look stupid or paranoid to all parties and wow all she needs is proof you are the problem to tell the world she is right. Don't be your worst enemy and put energy into loving your son every minute you can. Sure be ready if.the floor gives out but don't be the one to take out the planks.

Great topic. I've just been told my mother must have HPD. It just makes so much sense of her behaviour now. She absolutely wrecked any inch of success I might have had as a child. I was terrified of her and she thinks that's amusing. I'm a 43yr old train wreck.
I have low self esteem, depression, anxiety, complex PTSD, PTSD, eating disorder and chronic pudendal neuralgia (pelvic nerve pain) My brother has addiction issues, low self esteem and married a dominant woman. My other brother had depression, addiction etc etc
It's just so frustrating that she will never understand what she's done to us. She doesn't think there is anything wrong with her behaviour.
I grieve for the childhood I never had, the friends I missed out on, the boys she scared away with 'that' bikini. I never stood a chance.
My anger towards her has no bounds but of course it's futile to expect she will ever do anything but deny any wrongdoing. So now in cutting my ties with my mother I lose my dad, my grandma and any sense of family. It just seems so incredibly unfair. My expectations in life have been shattered.
Im in so much therapy I'm struggling financially.
But hubby #2 is truly loving and caring. Something good!
Thanks for reading my vent!

I know rinny's post is an old thread, but it was quite interesting to read the various viewpoints here.

As for ImarriedanHPD's question " Do kids realize on their own that something isn't right."

Some do perceive something wrong at an early age, and others don't. Growing up with a N sister, I knew something wasn't right about her from the time I was 5 to 6 years of age. OTOH it took my parents much longer to figure her out and by then she was already in her raging Jekyll-and-Hyde teens.

I was happy to see this post and the helpful information that was shared. My mother has HPD and it has strongly affected my childhood and adult life. I'm trying to learn constructive ways to deal with it.

I grew up raise by her as a single parent with my four siblings. She has looked after basic needs ie. food, shelter, clothes and some parenting but there was a lot of abuse in between. We were cut off from extended family and I have only ever met two uncles. The dads and her various boyfriends were never in the picture for long.

My confusion is from her two-facedness. On one hand she made an effort to raise and provided for us. On the other hand she was abusive in many ways. In the last two years I come to realize she has HPD and won't likely change her behavior. However, knowing about her HPD has enabled me to help myself.

Growing up I came to realize that my mother was different. Now I know why as the descriptions fit with all the bad behaviours and habits she has exhibited. I am working on trying to heal the trauma I experienced at her hand.

-I'm working at cutting her out of my life or at least limiting her interactions because she is toxic and destructive. If I can't be respected by this person she doesn't merit keeping a relationship with me.
-I'm maintaining contact with my siblings and talking with them about our bad experience and the fact that our mom has HPD.
-I'm considering reaching out to the extended family who I never got to meet.
-Since I know she has HPD I can understand and re conciliate bad memories. I can also spot her behaviour tactics and not fall into them.

I'm also trying to find information online. However, HPD seems to be neglected in studies which is bad because it needs to be recognized. Children and adults who have survived living with a parent that has HPD need ways to cope.

On another note I have observed milder HPD behaviour in two of my sisters. There is no conclusive evidence that HPD is passed down in families but I feel that there is a strong genetic basis.

Meggy12 wrote:...I'm also trying to find information online. However, HPD seems to be neglected in studies which is bad because it needs to be recognized. Children and adults who have survived living with a parent that has HPD need ways to cope.

On another note I have observed milder HPD behaviour in two of my sisters. There is no conclusive evidence that HPD is passed down in families but I feel that there is a strong genetic basis.

There are many articles, various authors, who also speculate or ponder, that it is unclear if genetics are/aren't a factor.

Yes, there aren't a lot of studies. HPD a diagnosis is also questioned, but then all PDs are debatable as they are not as clear cut as diagnosing something like a broken bone. Still you probably can find studies on BPD, NPD, and AsPD. Those can provide some insight even if there are differences in expression, the core factors (self-esteem damage, perception of self vs others, strong swiftly changing emotions, etc.) are likely close enough to help you gain some clarity.