What makes them so addictive?

Well... Like the thread title says I'm struggling with what feels like an addiction... On more than one occasion I've inadvertently likened my past relationship to an addiction, often without fully realising it.. I told my friend "I'm just going to have to think of it as a heroine addiction: I'll always remember that it felt intensely great, but in the long term it was very bad and unhealthy for me". To my mother I once said "with *** (the ex before that) I really suffered from heartbreak a lot. Now it feels more like cold turkey".

I'm guessing others here will recognise this. What is it that makes them so addictive? Is it their beauty? Is it the pedestal they put you on (overvalueing, then devalueing)? Whatever it is, I'm struggling with it. I hate to say it, but in the past year, in my lowest lows I've dabbled in narcotic substances.. I'm glad I can count these moments on one hand, but in dark moments I sometimes feel the need for something that will just make me feel okay.. Now don't you worry, I'm pretty rock solid when it comes to withstanding these temptations so I'm safe there. But I have the uncomfortable feeling of similarity between this craving and wanting to be with her..

This many months out and still thinking of her. Recalling the good times easily and having to deliberately think of the bad to stay on my path.. In a way I am lucky that my ex is going to such extremes in her selfdestructiveness right now: if her behaviour was milder I would still be wondering if I should give it another chance, but as it is right now she's obviously damaged goods for all eternity (I won't go into the specifics)...

Once again: why are they so addictive? I'm really angry at myself for still feeling for her, and for another truth that I can't suppress: you look for addiction when there is a hole in your self. Can't deny that. I was an object for her, providing supply, but in a (more noble) way, she was also an object to me I guess, a band-aid on a troubled soul.

All this makes me wonder if I still have lots of work on me personally, or if just being with a sane, normal and caring person would eliminate most all of the things I'm struggling with right now.

Hi Don, Boy I sure can relate to you. I really know how your feeling. I just left a post yesterday on drugs and alcohol.

Its been a little over 2 months for me now and It still feels like yesterday that he left. Its hard to explain and understand why you feel this way. It seems we should be jumping up and down being so glad they arent tormenting us any longer right? Yeah, I know how you feel and just waking up everyday to the same thoughts makes me mad. He is taking up space in my head 24\7 and its not fair because I wanted him gone and also gone in my head too.

I agree with you about your being in a better situation than your ex because I thought the same thing. I figure I atleast can walk away without worrying about anything. I am the one who did my best with the relationship and gave them more love and support than anyone else would have and it still wasnt enough. They are the ones who walk away with huge problems that will follow them wherever they go.
The way I do see it is this isnt any normal breakup with little stupid stuff. This is huge for anyone to deal with. Its just going to take us longer than normal breakups. I wish there were more comforting things for me to say to you. The best things I have found was to keep busy and it does help a little. My thoughts are with you.

Take Care

Don I will give you my take on it...

Since they are master manipulators they go to great lengths to study us. They look constantly, incessantly at things we respond favorably too. My ex used to love to play a question/answer game as a way to'get to know each other'. Like a skilled researcher, she gathered all the data she could...

Then she simply became my illusionary dream girl. She had a favorable response in all our communications. Further, she also pressed on my most vulnerable areas and got me to trust her with them. As time wore on she used these things as a way of power and control. For a long while it worked...

What she also did was make sure I was pumped full of adrenaline, and she made damn sure I knew she was the one pumping it. She overvalued me any chance she could. In essence, what she was doing here was getting me addicted to her feedback. Getting me to be completely dependent on her attention...

She was very skilled and clever at this. She looked for constant ways she could isolate me and do this...over and over again. She took up most of my time and kept me exhausted. She didn't want me to think or question her. She wanted me as basically her dependent slave, an unlimited source of supply

If I did question her, she would use all sort of emotional blackmail. She enjoyed making me feel awful, and relished when I gave in to her. Her blameshifting gradually increased as well as her aggressive behavior...her thirst for me was endless but how ironic cause her investment in me was so shallow.

These contradictions are yet another reason why they are so addictive. They purposely disorient us with their contradictions so we either give in to them or hang on to them while we try and sort the confusion they create

When we broke up, her dark side came fully to light. It was amazing to see this otherside of her. Yanno my intuition/gut kept reminding me that this dark side exisited and thank the heavens above that I listened to it enough to finally get out. Seeing the real her was shocking. I can see why they don't like to look at themselves and prefer the fantasy world...

I also want to address the idea of helplessness. I did NOT want to break up with her. The evidence simply left me with no choice. It literally ravaged my soul. She systematically filled up so much of my time and efforts that I felt a gaping hole in my life. I walked around staggered the first few months alone. It took a few attempts for me to finally break free from her. I missed her so bad it literally felt like I was dying inside. I also too suffered from this helplessness cause I knew deep inside she would destroy me further if I stayed in her life. She was like pure heroin to me and I was definently a junkie.

It is a huge loss cause not only are we dealing witht e end of a relationship, we must also deal with being horribly abused. We trusted these people with the most vulnerable parts of our souls and they pretended to be our ideal mate when in fact they were just sucking off of us like a wild vampire. They injected a powerful and manipulating drug that was an illusion at best. It is devestating to climb the road to acceptance of that, but inevitably we must and we should. We deserve far more better...

She hurt me Don, she daggered my heart pretty damn good. However, I do know that TIME is my allie and it will eventually heal me. At 10 months of absolute no contact I am already feeling stronger and stronger. It does take awhile and the withdrawls really do hurt, but if we hang in there, our lives will get back to a good place. One that is real, and one hopefully where will will find someone who will reciprocate back in a real real way

Hang in there my friend. You are so very worth it!!!

MW,

Absolutely a gigantic check mark on each of your paragraph MyWave.

Don,

I went through same ups and downs.

The most difficult was to understand leaving a person I loved for the sake of my own survival (even after knowing who she really is).

Hang in there you deserve it; the better is yet to come!


w

donlimpio wrote:I'm guessing others here will recognise this. What is it that makes them so addictive?

You answer this question with your next paragraph.

donlimpio wrote:but in dark moments I sometimes feel the need for something that will just make me feel okay.......But I have the uncomfortable feeling of similarity between this craving and wanting to be with her..

And that is your answer. It's not that SHE is addictive, it's that YOU are addicted to HER. The answer lies within you.

donlimpio wrote:All this makes me wonder if I still have lots of work on me personally,

Yeppers, and that is not a bad thing. For example, your incredibly amazing insight about the two addictive type behaviours, one for drugs and the similiarites you have for your addiction with her.

Take care (oh, and I'm not purposely following you around the boards, I just come the HPD one every so often, but your posts seem to strike a chord with me and I can't help putting in my 2 cents worth....cheers

Hey Shivers,

Just to make things clear: I never had the idea that you were purposefully following me around . To be honest, I'm always quite honored and thankful when people respond to my posts, and I think we have quite a wonderful forum here in that regard. I'm also often especially interested in what some specific people have to say, and that definitely includes you.

Moreso, I think that the most confronting opinions (the ones you don't want to hear or acknowledge - the times where you just want to hear that the other is to blame but have to see that a big part of the problem resides within yourself) are often the most revealing and therapeutic. So feel free to be frank.

And definitely thanks for taking the time to read and reply.

This goes for all the people on this list.

I have to agree with shivers.

My HPD wife moved out 2 years ago. The divorce was a year ago.

I think back to the place I was in during those time. There was a lot of pain. I was so focussed on her condition as the cause of my pain. I felt I was become 'aware' of her effect on me, and learning to deal with it.

What I have learned in the past year was much more powerfull. It was not the awareness of her that was essential to getting my life back, it was awarenes of me.

My dependence on her for my joy created the pain that resulted when here "affection" (never truly scincere) was withdrawn. My misery was result of my dependancy.

Once I could see that in myself, I stopped focussing on her HPD as any kind of issue. It was what it was. I started to live my life for myself and find the scincere joys that were out there for me.

Some people call it "shedding codependancy". That works for me.

Yes, I know the pain is real. But, I also know now that the pain is due to a condition which you can control. It is controlling ourselves that is the is the key.

Victims of HPDs usually ask if there is cure. I know I did. Yes there is. It is not a cure for the HPD, but a cure in ourselves for our dependency on them.

The fault, dear Brutus in not in our stars, but in ourselves ....

Donlimpio...
I know exactly what you are talking about.
I used to do it... Some time ago (not anymore) I would do that... a lot. I would learn the other person's needs and be a "perfect" woman, subconsciously feeling it will get him addicted. And it worked. Every time. And for years later, even when this person met some other woman and created a healthy relationship, sometimes he would say - it is not the same. You were perfect... And I am thinking now... You were so wrong, completely wrong... You just saw yourself in my eyes and that is what you wanted, I would just give it to you... I did not give anything real...
I'm asking myself: why did I do it and the answer is: the feeling of power. Control. Because it would feed my ego.
But then... I would get frustrated because he wouldn't know the real me and it was only my fault. I created illusions that attacked me and hurt me for real (don't know if any of you knows RPG, but that is the case with illusions... ) So I would get angry and take this anger out on the other person...
Madness. Emotional nightmare for both of us.
I would want my freedom and the other person to be fully dependant. And when I gave it a little thought recently, the fact that I did not cheat does not make things better... It only shows cold tactics.
So.. I know it from the other side.
These good guys have their nice quiet life now. At least some of them. With a couple I am very good friends. I would never try to interfere in any way. I have too much respect for them.
I am loved. Very much. I just don't know what to do about it.
My husband (we split up but we are not divorced) is a great guy. Messed up, he is bipolar (perfect couple), but good. And maybe... just maybe fighting for this relationship would be a way of putting things straight... instead of running away again... and again...
I guess I just wanted to share that...

donlimpio wrote:the times where you just want to hear that the other is to blame but have to see that a big part of the problem resides within yourself)

Although I'm totally sure that you understand what I've posted, but for my own piece of mind I do want to clarify the following:

I said the ANSWER lies within you, not that the PROBLEM lies within you.

There is a difference.

Please be sure that you understand the difference in that you aren't to blame for her behaviour, but that you are responsible for clarifying your own role within the context of her chaotic life and how you let it become a part of you. It doesn't mean that you are full of problems, oh no.

Hey Lobstermanne, not seen you for a while, and thanks for further clarification too, although I'm not a huge fan of co-dependency in it's purest form (saying that many of the problems of the dysfunctional relationship lie within the non-dysfunctional person), but as you say, if shedding co-dependency worked for you, it's gotta be good, eh?

Hey Shivers!

Yeah, I hear you loud and clear: off course I'm not to blame for HER behaviour, but I am responsible for my own behaviour. to oversimplify things grossly, one could say that I'm not at fault for her treating me like crap, but I am sort of at fault for LETTING her treat me like crap and not walk away.

There is however one big and important issue here, and that is 1) the timeframe over which the events occur and 2) the malicious intent of a manipulative partner. These are attenuating circumstances and partial excuses for encountering yourself in an abusive relationship. But, partial is still only partial.

I am slowly discovering that staying in an abusive relationship for too long is just an extension of a bigger 'neglect of myself'. My codependency seems to stem from a crooked system of belief where I can't seem to take care of myself, so I look for situations where I can take care of my partner, and hopefully she'll reciprocate and take care of me (her as well not taking care of herself). Needless to say, the results were desastrous.

So, still, my plan of actions: eat well, rest well, play well, meet friends, enjoy life, do sports, get my finances in order, and THEN meet a new woman. I'm getting there!