What makes them so addictive?

donlimpio wrote:I am slowly discovering that staying in an abusive relationship for too long is just an extension of a bigger 'neglect of myself'. My codependency seems to stem from a crooked system of belief where I can't seem to take care of myself, so I look for situations where I can take care of my partner, and hopefully she'll reciprocate and take care of me (her as well not taking care of herself). Needless to say, the results were desastrous.

So, still, my plan of actions: eat well, rest well, play well, meet friends, enjoy life, do sports, get my finances in order, and THEN meet a new woman. I'm getting there!

Great post Don and I am on the same road. I can already feel the changes of doing such inner work and I am reagining my strength but more importantly my hope

I think what makes them addictive is that they give you what you want/need. People with HPD characteristics are very good at analysing what a person wants and feels at a given time, and they give them exactly that to make them happy. I said "at a given time", because I have the impression that they live very much in the present (it is indeed on the few but probably intense occasions when their past haunts them, or the future looks uncertain and frightening, that they loose it, lie and start doing or saying incoherent things!). I think these people make us feel special and needed, but even though an impression of true intimacy and closeness is created, we are always in reality at arms length, which allows them to switch off (but not us because to get this far it has to mean something special...), or away from the other person. Indeed the HPD will often say that she is this way "to protect herself". From being apparently the centre of their attention the other person becomes nothing, or of secondary importance in an instant, their attention and/or favors now being elsewhere. There is a sentiment created, an illusion I feel with hindsight, of either having been in a deep meaningful relationship (however the contrary is proven when out of the blue the person suffering HPD does or says something absurd...) or being close to the person with HPD, and also having being confronted through a human being with ones own ideal. This is the illusion that we cling to in many cases I think. We feel this way not because they are that ideal, but because they have understood ours and mold themselves to temporarily become it and please us. It's the "temporary" nature, or the "acting out" of being that ideal that becomes addictive to us, its also the suddenness of the change in that person which leaves us perplexed, when the person that represented that ideal has either gone unexpectedly, or has completely changed. Unfortunately it then makes us feel angry, then humiliated when we discover we gave ourselves intimately and faithfully to an imposter. We can't do without our fix and at the same time can't accept we could have made such an error of judgement (or errors, as like many i have been had by the same person on numerous occasions based upon promises that never materialized through actions. She would have had me over many additional times too had I not put a stop to it...), so keep going back, or want to go back, or feel lost without her, etc,etc.

Did I loose you in all that ...yeah me too

Musician924

donlimpio wrote:I am slowly discovering that staying in an abusive relationship for too long is just an extension of a bigger 'neglect of myself'. My codependency seems to stem from a crooked system of belief where I can't seem to take care of myself, so I look for situations where I can take care of my partner, and hopefully she'll reciprocate and take care of me (her as well not taking care of herself). Needless to say, the results were desastrous.

So, still, my plan of actions: eat well, rest well, play well, meet friends, enjoy life, do sports, get my finances in order, and THEN meet a new woman. I'm getting there!

Right on!! And don't forget to quit dabbling with the drugs, that's a sure road to totally nowhere! Take care!

donlimpio wrote:
I'm guessing others here will recognise this. What is it that makes them so addictive? Is it their beauty? Is it the pedestal they put you on (overvalueing, then devalueing)? Whatever it is, I'm struggling with it. I hate to say it, but in the past year, in my lowest lows I've dabbled in narcotic substances.. I'm glad I can count these moments on one hand, but in dark moments I sometimes feel the need for something that will just make me feel okay.. Now don't you worry, I'm pretty rock solid when it comes to withstanding these temptations so I'm safe there. But I have the uncomfortable feeling of similarity between this craving and wanting to be with her..

"I'm guessing others here will recognise this." - Your posts (and those of many others) often have me nodding my head in recognition of similar aspects in my own experience.

Your comment about narcotics also rang a bell for me, as I've sometimes thought of how wonderful it would be to have some respite and relief during the darker moments. But as you know at best it's only a temporary solution. At worst it would be another fake provider of comfort, and I've already spent 3 years in a relationship with one of those. I do understand the temptation though.

I still look in this forum almost every day. But I've found I've quit trying to understand exactly what makes them do what they do, and so now I don't read many threads concerned with the disorder itself. Slowly I'm finding that I'm able to spend the time previously used on "Why did she...?" and "How could she...?" and instead invest it in some quality work for myself and continue to make small movements forward. Last week (I think) was my 3 month anniversary of walking out. From time to time a negative thought raises its ugly head and diverts me a little and kind of knocks me out of my stride, but it always passes. I'm patient and confident enough to know that recovery will eventually begin to gather pace.

My intention in replying to your post was to try and answer your question; 'What makes them so addictive?'- I think they're just very skilled at what they do.

Anyway, while I know that it's sometimes not easy, I hope everyone who's going through this thing can keep as strong and positive as possible.

Harry_S wrote:
I still look in this forum almost every day. But I've found I've quit trying to understand exactly what makes them do what they do, and so now I don't read many threads concerned with the disorder itself. Slowly I'm finding that I'm able to spend the time previously used on "Why did she...?" and "How could she...?" and instead invest it in some quality work for myself and continue to make small movements forward. Last week (I think) was my 3 month anniversary of walking out. From time to time a negative thought raises its ugly head and diverts me a little and kind of knocks me out of my stride, but it always passes. I'm patient and confident enough to know that recovery will eventually begin to gather pace.


Anyway, while I know that it's sometimes not easy, I hope everyone who's going through this thing can keep as strong and positive as possible.

Patience...confidence...having faith in healing...changing the focus off of her on onto me, and making the small movements forward...

At almost 10 months since I walked out, I am slowly regaining my stride...I think the patience aspect of it is the hardest for me. I was so sick of the intense pain of the first few months. The shock of her actions was intent on jolting me and it did. I think another reason why they we feel so addicted is how their words and actions are so very apart...we want her words to be ones of pure truth because they are beautiful, they glow...but her actions are often so destructive, manipulative, and dark...it feeds directly into the rescuer in us, and we feel compelled to be the knight that they first saw...trouble is the reality is we are interchangable, and they are just too far disordered for it to be any other way...

Thanks Harry...you gave me some good food for thought today, and I am taking some small steps each and everyday

be well

Hello All

Some really interesting insights on this particular topic. Again I'm fascinated by the similarity of what I read and what I have experienced. The thing about addiction. Two observations from my experience.

First, HPD gather data. Question and Answers was mentioned. My HPD friend would say to me regularly, always talk to me about anything, you never need to hide anything from me. This was a way of finding out what was in my soul. I see now this was the learning process, the target research to enable her to become everything I needed. Also that our cyber relationship was so very far in advanced than our real life relationship. Gathering whats inside my head continually.

Secondly, I have replaced (Nearly anyway) one addiction for another. I drink to drown my pain which is every bit as distructive. It is true, the problem is not caused by me, but the solution is my responsibility.

Cheers

Hi All:
Again some excellent posts in trying to understand this unfortunate condition and how we might better deal with our own "inherited" suffering and dismay.

I think many of us initially come to this forum believing that we might find a magic recipy to take away, and then go change the person that caused our pain, so they don't hurt us again, or hurt others in the same way. Unfortunately, from reading most of the posts on this forum (ok I have not read them all... ) I do not see that happening too often.

I came across the following phrase (see lower) which I felt appropriate, because the end result for most of us following our relationships seems to be a need to understand what happened (make sense of much nonesense...) followed by a long healing phase. I think we realise through our many orange flags that our intuitions tried to protect us, but were overwhelmed, and in many cases we became people that we ourselves would not like. I think this may be because we modelled ourselves (unconsciously) and our behaviour to our partners paradoxes of words versus actions, and we become temporarily enslaved, as very well explained in an earlier post (I think by MYWAVE...). We come here, looking for help and advice, once our intuition and self protection instincts have gotten the upper hand again and managed to convince us that something really dark does stink in the relationship !

Here goes:

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't" - Erica Jong.

Appropriate with an HPD partner right? The message I think is to trust your intuitions...

Best regards,
Musician

Musician924 wrote:
I came across the following phrase (see lower) which I felt appropriate, because the end result for most of us following our relationships seems to be a need to understand what happened (make sense of much nonesense...) followed by a long healing phase. I think we realise through our many orange flags that our intuitions tried to protect us, but were overwhelmed, and in many cases we became people that we ourselves would not like. I think this may be because we modelled ourselves (unconsciously) and our behaviour to our partners paradoxes of words versus actions, and we become temporarily enslaved, as very well explained in an earlier post (I think by MYWAVE...). We come here, looking for help and advice, once our intuition and self protection instincts have gotten the upper hand again and managed to convince us that something really dark does stink in the relationship !

Here goes:

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't" - Erica Jong.

As ever, there are some very insightful and interesting points being made here in this thread - part of what's written above:

"...and in many cases we became people that we ourselves would not like."

I know that she found in me a depth of rage which I never had experienced before. That was a real eye-opener for me and helped push me to making that final decision to leave - the very idea that someone could have (over a period of time) slowly and skillfully forced me into behaving in a way that was so out of character. I'm not proud of how I behaved, of what I said to her - as I feel I lowered myself to her level. But I'm not going to beat myself up over it either.

The Erica Jong quote seems true. And as I visit this forum I get the feeling of being part of a 'club' for those who've suffered at the hands of the HPD. The similarities are sometimes striking - almost like a vicarious experience.
'HPD Awakening and Recovery Club.
Entry Requirements - honesty, real, human emotions, and a big heart.
New members please note: you can leave your rose-tinted glasses at the door, because you don't need them anymore.'

Musician 924- Your Post, "They give you what you want and that's addictive" is exactly what happens. Amen. How I have come to realize this, is that I have someone doing this very thing to me now. I feel so strange posting on this forum, because I can understand both sides of the situation- I have done this, I am now doing this. Imagine 2 people doing this to each other at the same time- a match made in heaven or hell? One one hand, its the biggest high ever, ecstasy and heaven when it's the fantasy of the brain for both of us. And we so get what it is we are doing and wanting, but it is still so addictive. People have used the heroin metaphor on this forum. On the other hand, the withdrawal is real and it turns into a hellish nightmare. Especially when both people in the relationship are acting it out and then hurting others. I know both sides, which is also why I am a great chameleon about it, because I can empathize genuinely with those who have been victims- I have been the drug but also needed the drug. And right now I am both. It's f'ud up for sure. I think I am going to have some kind of breakdown.

Hi ILU2:
I think you are hitting the red zone, when the highs and lows start coming and going in regular cycles its dangerous, and you shall need to take yourself in hand. It shall be the hardest thing to do, as you know, but if you don't it shall be spiral down. Sure "real" life is less "immediately gratifying" than the fantasy world around these relationships, but then there are other ways to enjoy life (sublimation) than through illicit, false relationships. Good luck to you.

Musician