My HPD experience at my workplace - And a question.

I have been used and abused and exploited at my work place for the last 4 LONG years by a histrionic. Like a leech, she sucked out every knowledge possible from me to progress in her career. She is a textbook example of a histrionic. She manipulated me into her sad and tragic world where she always needed rescuing, blameshifted, used guilt, created confusion within me about myself ... all the tricks of the histrionic. She got what she wanted out of me ... she learnt the ropes and became a big manager recently. She projected things she was not and hoodwinked me into mentoring her.

Thankfully, I never gave in to her physical charms (she goes to crazy limits of dieting to maintain her weight and wears very seductive clothing) ... I kept the relationship limits very clear cut. i.e. I never cheated on my wife. That didn't stop that histrionic from using her charms in all ways possible - I guess I should be thankful that I chose to not fall for them.

I feel really sad and hurt for the way one human being can exploit the goodness in another. And keep sucking till the other one is useless.

I want to enforce no contact and have told her to go her way for at least one year. But she won't still leave me alone. I have told her several times to stay away but she manages to re-enter my life with some dramatic event or the other. She also finds ways to 'accidentally' meet me in the office (although we work in different buildings) and won't stop emailing every one to 2 weeks.

Now with age catching up with her and her 'charms' not working so well, I often see that look of confusion in her eyes. New supplies are fewer. But she won't learn. Creating new supply victims and using everyone for her gains is her way of life.

I have Asperger's. I used to be very sensitive and helpful. And it seems - a perfect victim for Histrionics. I had a bad childhood which made me co-dependent. I am learning to get over that.

Her actions never matched her words. Tons of incidents now on hindsight, was blind to them then.

She was never there as a friend (she claims to be my best friend ... ha !) on the 2 or 3 occasions in 4 years I needed a sympathetic ear to listen to me. She in fact cut contact when we had a re-organizing of the team structure and it seemed for a tensed week that I would lose my high status in the company. Then she crept and crawled back into my world once she realized that I had come out tops.

Thanks for reading.

I have lost track of my life and my goals. I feel sucked out of energy, even with a brief meeting with her.

I can't find another job, have been trying for a year and a half to escape her clutches. But the job market is not the best. At my high position, such jobs dont come that frequently.

Question: How do I get over this feeling of being taken advantage of ? How do I find the way forward ? How do I put this behind me ? It's made me quite sad and untrusting of all humans. Anyone ?

I feel sad.

I feel used. I feel taken advantage of.

I feel disgusted with how low some humans can go.

I feel manipulated and made a fool of.

I feel lost.

I feel confused and unable to concentrate on my own things.

I feel a lot of panic.

Hey Epsilon,

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles with this woman. It is a bit strange to read this because most of us here are men who've had a romantic/sexual relationship with a HPD woman, and I believe the things we encountered are somewhat different that what you've been through.

It is a bit puzzling to me how you can feel soooo low and lost while you have a high status job and (apparently) a wife that you feel commited enough to stay faithful, even though your HPD has probably made passes over the past years. Good job, by the way! To clarify, I'm not doubting your feelings one bit. I just have some difficulty wrapping my head around it, but I think this has more to do with me and my specifics than you.

On the other hand a LOT of what you write touches base with me as well... I too have lost track of my life and goals.. My whole life was about HER, about making sure that SHE was alright, that SHE was protected and stable... That SHE could do the things she wanted to do. I got pushed into the background more and more, and now that it's over I have a hard time finding who I am anymore.. Do I like going out or not? Do I want to do more sports or make music? Do I want to be with a new woman or be alone?? Where do I want to live?? I don't know. I had NO other life but her. And to be honest, in all her ugliness, part of this is also my responsibility.

But you were married all this time. Is it possible that maybe you have been focused too much on 'company life' for years, and not enough on 'home life' and your partner? I can imagine that an HPD can have a very adverse effect on this as well.

I've said it before, but I'm puzzled and wondering about some things in your situation. Were there romantic feelings from your side? Have you confided in your wife about all of this? Don't know where I'm going with this, and I definitely feel your pain, but I can't seem to put my finger on this strange feeling, the sort of imbalance between you being married and suffering so hard at the hands of a female worker.

Hmmm. Having a hard time putting this right. I'm not judging you for anything. It's more of a "maybe the solution might lie in the relationship you have OUTSIDE your job, such as your wife etc..."

Am I making ANY sense? In any case, no contact seems a good step to me. I recognise the hurt and confusion you feel, and you put these in words well, so there's no doubt in my mind as to how you have been manipulated. I'm pretty codependent myself, and my ex seems to be great at sniffing people like this out. Her new victim is like that as well, and completely ensnared. He's constantly sacrificing himself for her, and gentlemanly not pressuring her into something sexual or romantic because she is "going through a hard time" - this 'hard time' being the way her her evil ex, me, shuns her. In the meantime she's screwing around with the bad boys. And getting more and more depressed. But enough about her.

You will need time. And you will need a breakpoint. If you don't then what changes, right? And: I can't resist: what does your wife think about this?

Epsilon

Yeah your situation is a bit different than most of us. If you read around in this forum you will no doubt realise what histrionics are capable of. You feel like you have been taken advantage of and hung out to dry. Well so do we all. The thing is not to feel bad about it. Take it as a hard lesson learnt and forgive yourself. Your in good company. Turn all your anger into being grateful that you have a partner that isn't an HPD and concentrate on her. Give the job worries up, life is too short (As my HPD friend would often say)

don, Oknow,

Thanks ! I understand your point of view.

My wife is fully aware of this. I sent her this post's URL (web address) right after posting here. She is fully aware of this since day one - I have not hidden anything ever from her.

To give you some more background info:

1) Around the time the HPD got her hooks into me - 4 years ago, I was on the verge of rising into management. I did rise as well and am quite good in my career. The HPD recognized my potential and just boosted my confidence by saying just the right things at the right time. She would always be around to ensure that she came across as the friend who was with me while I was a nobody and whose good association helped propel me. Now I realize she just wanted to rise in her career by learning from me and using me dry.

2) Also, my wife and I were going through a rough patch around that time and my mistake was sharing my personal life crisis with the HPD. I was naive to think the HPD was my friend. She always claimed to be one. She had started to share from day one her personal tragedies in her life - something one wouldn't share that easily. Then in subtle ways she started pitting my family against me in my mind. I never fell for those things though and that's when the red flags started to appear (2 years back).

3) Your hinting / asking about romantic interests is a logical question. My wife has also asked me the same several times. Like I said, I have possibly fallen for her charms in meetings with her and overlooked her real behaviour ... but the truth is that I have never cheated on my wife. I have not even touched the HPD !! Ever !!! Sorry that it doesn't fit the definition of any guy you know of, but I am quite loyal to my wife. Bad times in marriage or good, I am not a cheater.

4) The HPD spiked my interest in her by mirroring my life values and philosophy. Since I have Asperger's as well, I socialize very less. And prefer to be friends only with my type of people. And the HPD became my type.

5) Since I was down in my career earlier PLUS my marriage went through a rough patch PLUS she mirrored me so well, I thought she was the best friend I could ever have.

6) 6 months back she ensnared me by using my own dreams against me. I want to start a business of my own some day. She latched on to that idea, fed it to me and pretended to work on it while she didn't have any real capability (now I see in hindsight). Then created drama every few weeks to hide the fact that she wasn't pulling her weight. Then walked out of the biz a couple of times. The last time, I closed the door shut. She's desperate to be back in, but by then I had discovered this forum (GOD BLESS YOU ALL !!).

Some incidents:

a) When I called her on her lying and not pulling her weight in doing the ground work for the business, she would blameshift it on me, become a victim of her family, play the emotional card, make me feel that I was lucky to have her as a potential future business partner since there were other past colleagues who were pursuing her to start a business, pressurize me to make it work out all alone FAST since she was getting a job offer in another country ... all this onslaught within 1 to 2 minutes. And I would be left dumbfounded. A variation of these reasons. Every single time I would call her on it.

b) When I called her on her laziness and cornered her on each point mentioned in (a), she said that she would prefer to have a "free spirited relationship" (whatever the f#$k that means) and the freedom to do what she wants, when she wants. WTF ? Am I going to do a business like an adult or pamper to a small child who walks away on whim and then I have to please that child to come back ??

c) A baby voice that just sounds so innocent ... I could never trust or believe that she just did all this to use me for her career gains in the office.

d) Many more ... later. Had a long hard day at office.

Writing this out is therapeutic. Will post more. If you feel cynical about this, please feel welcome to post your thoughts.

Epsilon

Not to put too fine a point on it, you should forget her and count yourself lucky to have such an escape.

Now that you knoow the reasons for her behaviour, if your recovery is anything like mine (Still not quite there yet) you will gradually see the sadness of it all but your self esteem will begin to grow. So what if she rode on your back to get herself up the ladder. My boss has been doing that for years, it happens. Look at it this way, without your help will she fail, likely not because there is a whole world og guys for HPD's to chose from. Just make sure its not you.

Good Luck

Once she became my close "friend" (Ha !) at office, she entered my mind fully by making everything about her a rescuing ... she always needed rescuing:
- A new boss was bad to her and was out to get her fired because he could not stand her high competence and felt threatened by her (or so she spread the word),
- Colleagues were always trying to cross the line and touch her and harass her (but she would have no qualms going on a bike ride with them - contradictory actions and words) ...
- The whole company setup was against her ... the world is discriminatory to women who are intelligent
- In her earlier companies she could never get her true rewards because of some bitter politics
- She had 'resigned herself to her fate' that being so brainy and hard working, she would never get her rewards of a good career ...
- Yada yada yada ...

You get the idea.

And since she mirrored me and my values so well and the stupidly chivalrous guy I am who stands up for people ... I fought her battles for her, taught her everything (and I would often wonder about the shallow levels of her emotions and understanding of things) and royally got used by her. She has admitted to having no empathy and that she's screwed up.

And she eventually gained control of this relationship by making me feel guilty for anything and everything. To the point where I could hardly even say anything at all against her ... even to help her improve was no longer possible ... who wants to face a raging tornado every single time ?

She has seen me publicly take on board members (and I work in a LARGE global company with 50000 + employees worldwide) and senior management ... and she cast her hooks more and more into me with each validation of the fact that I have some potential.

Even now she won't let go because of the 'use' I would be for her.

I thought she was someone who understood me, who would partner me in creating my dream of my own business. Instead, she was just out to use me for her gains.

Sorry If I shift back and forth in time, I am in a haze and am just emptying my thoughts here.

I have reading up this forum (have gone through 75% of the topics and threads) and the NPD forum as well since a month (read the NPD forum halfway).

Know each of your stories very well. Thanks for pitching in with a kind word.

Welcome to the board!

I think knowing what your dealing with is half of the battle. It is awful to find out that the people we thought we could trust betray us in such cruel ways. It seems like these creatures get a kick out of these games and that is why it is hard to forgive them...

Do what you have to to take care of yourself. Look for ways to fade from her and in time she will eventually have to find other sources of supply...

Vent as much as you need...your amongst people who really do get it

Oknow: Your statements below are very helpful:

"Take it as a hard lesson learnt and forgive yourself. Your in good company. Turn all your anger into being grateful that you have a partner that isn't an HPD and concentrate on her."

"you should forget her and count yourself lucky to have such an escape"

"you will gradually see the sadness of it all but your self esteem will begin to grow"

You also gave a good analogy about a boss.

Thank you !

donlimpio:

Your statement is very helpful and very true: "I'm pretty codependent myself, and my ex seems to be great at sniffing people like this out. Her new victim is like that as well, and completely ensnared. He's constantly sacrificing himself for her ..."

Since the day I have started to assert myself and call her openly on her stuff, since that day she's wary of me. It's troubling for her - her long term plan of milking me for life is not working and she needs a new cow. Each time she tries to dig in her claws - she is told on her face to get lost and that I can now see through her crap that she is talking. Then she keeps away for 1 to 2 weeks. Then shamelessly contacts me again.

don, I have read about the grace with which you have dealt your situation and it is a big morale boost to me.