The LOWEST low... :(

My ex, of whom I'd though she had hit rock-bottom about 10 times now, but never ceases to amaze me with new self-destructive stupidities, will not be able to go further than this....

She's been caught last month, in the toilets of a nightclub, having sex with... Brace yourself.. The guy who raped her when she was 13...





Desastrous partner-choices I can 'understand'. Choosing a bad-boy over a 'boring sugar daddy' I can 'understand'. But having sex with your former rapist???

Even worse, I just discovered that she has been cheating on me waaay longer than I thought, with her ex who also beat and drugged her for 4 years...

Both of these guys are the demons in her soul, and I can not tell you how many nights I spent with her crying her eyes out like a little child, asking why and how people, and men in particular, could do such horrible things to an innocent child... Screaming out "I was ######6 THIRTEEN!!!" and punching holes in the wall in blind anger and frustration...

And now she has sex with him in a toilet in a bar in our hometown... When she was thirteen, he sedated her, had sex with her and left her for dead on the floor... In a toilet in a bar in our hometown...

I will NEVER, NEVER EVER be able to give this a place in my mind...

Honestly, I don't know why you are so surprised. The Stockholm Syndrome is quite a well known phenomenon. Bottom line, many people form close bonds with their abusers.

Look at it another way. This girl (like many others) is attracted to men who remind her of her past abusers, ie men who treat her like crap. Is it there such a big difference between being attracted to men that remind her of her abuser AND being attracted directly to her abuser?

Anyway, she obviously has huge problems. So what? You didn't cause them, you can't fix them.

But you can do something about yourself. What about you being attracted to people who treat you badly, ie this girl?

Yes, she does sound like a sicko, but I think you need to look deeply into yourself, so as to figure out why you love this train wreck so much.

I know about the Stockholm syndrome. However, the stockholm syndrome is about a stable and pervasive feeling of sympathy and bonding with the abuser. My ex hated him with a passion, screamed at him if she saw him, or gave him the coldest shoulder you've ever seen...

And now this...

Yeah, she obviously has huge problems... Even before the cheating started and she was still a (seemingly maybe) really sweet hurt girl, she displayed huge problems... She has a VERY infantile personality, and money to never have studied or worked. Now the money's running out and she's unable to work (in my opinion) or partake in everyday life.

And yeah: the question begs, WHY do I love this train wreck so much... Sometimes I wonder if it is the closeness to disease (but in a psychological way) that keeps me hanging on... After all, if the woman you love develops cancer you don't dump her do you? You stick by her, no matter what... You don't "save yourself" from a life of misery..

So what do you do when your partner develops severe psychological instability and starts destroying herself?? I know the answer: you run for your life..

Still, Bubble Boy, I am more than surprised.. More than awestruck.. I'm devastated... For this trauma I held her for nights on end...

Hrm. Always the skeptic, I have to ask if the man in question was formally prosecuted as a rapist (and, if not, why?). I wouldn't discount the manipulation of events as they are translated by the histrionic's brain to draw pity. If I imagine the histrionic I knew telling that story, I wouldn't be surprised if it went from, "Sexually active at a young age, I experimented with drugs and seduced a guy who then scoffed at me and left me crying for days" to "I was drugged and raped at thirteen then left to die." It's all in the telling, and boy, could she tell a story. If there is any doubt in your mind, I'd try talking to people that may have known her to see if you can piece it together.

True....

Although her age (and his) are verified (which at least legally - and morally amongst other things - makes it rape), as is the state in which she was found in the stall, she was sexually active.... After a previous rape... This first guy was prosecuted and convicted..

A sad story... She's quite the seductress, and was so at a young age, yes, and she was already always searching for kicks back then... So yeah... There is room for skepticism...

It sucks having to be so 'vigilant' instead of trusting and believing..

Don I can really relate to what your experiencing here for my ex-HPD was much the same...

She talked about the teacher who she said she seduced in her 8th grade year. How she hated him ect ...but how he also looked so much like her 1st husband

Then to the two men who supposedly sexually abused her. How they were swinger types who were into BDSM and other types of experimental sex How they beat and once even stabbed her ect...how she thought they were disgusting ect...

However, after our first break up what did she do? She went straight to a adult friend finders site and hooked up with a few people who closely resembled the same people who abused her. She soon called them her dear friends and how she looked at herself as a mother figure to them (how sick!). If only she could be a real mother to her kids

She would have stayed at that site had they not started to criticize her and call her on her stuff. She can't handle even the slightest hint of that. When I came back in the scene she still had one of their very poisonous snakes (who had a history of breaking free from the cage) still in her house with her young kids. She didn't see the harm in that at all, she was oblivious

All the nights she would call or wake me up and cry about the nightmares concerning all the abuse she endured. The endless tantrums ect...

Now I realize it was just another way for her to get attention and secure supply...

so glad she is someone elses problem now

donlimpio: I cannot agree with your analogy with cancer. HPD (and other Cluster B PD's) are disorders of intimacy. You cannot have a healthy relationship with a person that has a disorder of intimacy.

A few other things to think about. Firstly, have you considered that if it wasn't for her HPD, you wouldn't have fallen for her in the first place? The beginning phase of the relationship where she idealized you and seemed like a perfect partner were just as much part of the disease as the negative parts. They are both flip sides of the same coin.

Secondly, perhaps you are suffering some traits of Stockholm Syndrome (?). You clearly have a strong attachment to someone that has abused you.

By the way, reading some of your posts, I think the lady in question isn't just HPD. She appears BPD as well.

I see it this way as well. Childhood abuse, whether sexual or otherwise leaves the legacy of an adult who has troubles forming healthy adult relationships. Differing levels for differing people, sure, but overall they end up being a pretty mixed up young adult for quite some time, if not for the rest of their lives.

I doubt whether the statutory rape incident was the only childhood abuse this girl received. It's likely to be a culmination of many things over many years that left the poor girl vulnerable to man who took advantage of her. And in a scrubby public toilet no less. With her at 13 she's not old enough to have really stood up for herself to his coercion, even if she was a willing participant, it paints a picture of parental neglect that a) has this girl out with older men unsupervised, b) is debatable as to whether the parents have bothered to pay enough attention to teach their child good decision making in an adult world.

You know, many people think that rape is an act of violence that if it doesn't leave the victim in a bruised, broken and bloodied state then somehow it just wasn't rape.

The fact that this troubled young woman has sought out her original (or one of her original) abusers and had consensual sex with her is a typical demonstration of how mixed-up we can end up without being given proper guidance in our formative years.

As for the comment about the Stockholm syndrome, it's about forming a bond with the abuser, yes, and just because she screamed at him, gave him the cold shoulder and hated him with a passion - well, that's your bond right there. Hatred, anger and revenge are strong bonds, stronger than many others, and she has demonstrated how strong that bond is by revisiting her past and having sex with him.

Phew! This poor woman sure needs some serious counselling, she certainly is troubled. Whether she recognises that and seeks it out in the future, is her choice.

Don,

My HPD bragged about all the guys she had seduced, AFTER I married her crazy ass. Other times the guys were rapist.
I saw her many times when she was 13 teasing older guys on the school bus etc..............I even saw her seduce an older relative one-time for money...........I don't belive ANYTHING she says..........


They change their story depending on the effect they're going after............

She'll be saying you were a control freak monster too. I'm sure............Then she'll say you were the only good guy she ever loved etc...........

You know what? This is a wonderful support group. It's nice to have almost daily reactions, when stuff like this keeps your head and heart occupied equally often. Soo, thanks people. We should throw a big BBQ once a year so we can meet face to face ! I've spent blissful months in sunny California as a kid: anybody there willing to host the event?

Shivers: you are of course right. Traumatising as it is, often rape at 13 is horrible but does not leave scars of this magnitude, if the childhood before that was happy. Disclaimer: I am NOT minimising this by far, but just saying that indeed in the early formative years things like this tend to get written on the 'hard disk' forever. In later life a healthy environment and counseling can help undo some of the damage.

In her case, unfortunately: dad left at age 2, leaving her alone with a HPD mom with a lot of money and an infantile personality, who refused to raise her, and blamed her for the father leaving. She got molested at age 11 in a swimming pool. Her sister told her NOT to tell anyone or she would be punished. A year later she lost her virginity to a 25-year old heroin junkie. She also did heroin then. Her mom didn't care. MY ex used to climb out of the window and go out all night, and in the morning her mom did not discipline her: she just laughed at her stupidity for getting caught. Then rape at 13. Then six months in a psych ward. The mom dumped her there and left for a trip to thailand the next day. Her dad never visited once. Then a 10-year cocaine-habit started, followed by rape at 15. Needless to say she hung with the wrong group of men. Illustrative of this is that she did not consider the time she was forced to give a blow job to a guy in his car to be sexual abuse.

Age 16 she went to live together with her boyfriend, the town dealer. He beat her up, fed her coke by the spoon, and basically had her housebound for 4 years, except for clubbing. She never got an education, and her mom was just happy to have her out of the house. All issues were solved with giving her money, which 1)went to cocaine and clothing and 2)ripped off her only chance of having to learn to fend for herself.

Bubble boy: There is definitely a BIG Borderline side to her as well, yeah.. Unfortunately she pushed away the first man that ever truly loved her and treated her right, and possibly the last as well, judging from the path she's choosing again... She polarised me a year ago, and I went from saint to satan, while I watched her slip through my fingers, losing her to the same bunch of guys that calls her the town whore since she was 12, but doesn't mind getting a piece of the action.

I need to look up the Stockholm syndrome. Is loving a person deeply, and feeling sorry for them, and sympathy for them because you know they never had a chance in the first place (coming from her broken home and HPD mom), even though it damages you terribly, is that Stockholm Syndrome or just sadness for a loved one falling deep? There is a bond, that's for sure, and I will wonder all my life, if she is doing alright, from time to time, as I still do with my BPD ex (I know: red flag for me, need for introspection).

I doubt if she'll ever be able to form a healthy relationship.. She's been in therapy long enough... Her new therapist is the best ever, she says, but when I see the mess her life is I think she's the best because she feeds her new excuses and sympathy. So I don't know if therapy will help. Her old therapist never even knew about her cheating...

Dang.. Got to go. Lunch break is over!

Thanks!