My little story

I am a first time poster and would like to share some of my story and if anyone feels the need to respond, please do. I will try to be as brief as possible.

First of all, I was married to a certified narcissist for twenty four years. I could tell reams of stories about that, but due to a kind and wise counselor I was able to navigate those dreary years until my children were old enough and I felt that I could finally leave.

A month or so after my separation, a friend of mine said that she had someone I needed to meet. That we shared many interests. That she too had separated after a long marriage and thought we would enjoy each other's company. I really didn't pursue it, but my friend made sure that I met this person by bringing her over to my place of business.

She was attractive and very personable, but I felt that it was too soon after a terrible marriage, that I needed to heal some wounds and didn't pursue the relationship. However, this person had other ideas.

In effect, she pursued me and although I played it off for a long period of time, she continued. Finally, after consultation with some friends, they really saw no harm in my going out with her even though my divorce was taking a long time.

This person was quite outgoing. She called me a good bit and after a few months, we were intimate. After that, she seemed to start pushing even stronger. I felt it was going a little too fast, so I attempted to slow it down.

This seemed to insult her and while I took my daughter for a vacation out of the country, she emailed me and let me know that she had gone out on a date.

That should have been a warning sign and I should have bolted. I realize that now, but by then I was emotionally invested. And, frankly, after years of living with someone with NPD, this woman's attention hooked me pretty strongly.

After I returned from vacation, we talked and resumed dating.

Somewhere along the way, I began noticing things about her that I thought was a bit odd.

One of the things she would do would be to interrupt me if I was talking about something, and change the subject totally and usually the subject was something about herself. I might be talking about a serious matter, and she would just interrupt out of the blue and start in on a different topic.

She was constantly talking about her children. And when she became a grandmother at the relatively young age of 50, all she could do was talk about her granddaughter.

She could be very loud in a crowd.

For her age, she tended to dress as if she were twenty five years younger. She loved compliments and was constantly told that she looked as if she were thirty five.

At times when I started telling something about myself, she would interrupt and tell me, "There goes John, having to make it about herself."

She seemed to be more interested in getting me to do things she liked in her world, rather than doing things I liked.

She used language in a very odd way, and was dramatic, full of flourishing gestures. I attributed that to her being an artist, though.

She was very competitive and seemed consumed with her exercise routine and how she finished in races and in tennis matches.

When she walked into a room, it was almost as if she took over. She seemed to have little trouble in making friends or getting around the room, being very animated, laughing loudly. Clearly, the life of the party.

Once we went to one of her young friend's birthday parties at a local nightspot. When she saw her friend, she began squealing and hollering. Then, when she took the dance floor with me, she absolutely shifted into another gear, hollering and throwing up her arms. At the time I thought it was attention seeking behavior and I thought it odd since the woman was 50. In my opinion, she was acting like a 19 year old. Nothing the matter with having a good time on the dance floor, but it seemed as soon as she stepped out, she was trying to announce to the crowd, "I have arrived."

Along the way, and through no fault of my own, I lost my job. I was in a terrible way for a while. What I needed from her was to come put her arms around me and tell me it was going to be all right. She never did that. She did offer some sympathy, but she seemed to be more concerned about how it was going to affect her than me. In fact, at one point she told me I needed to get over it, although at the time I really didn't know where I was going to turn.

And during my jobless period, when we went out, she still allowed me to pay for everything, even though she had a good job herself. She rarely paid for anything.

Then as I started to work on getting a job, she was able to fly to a city for the weekend for free, and then pouted when I didn't have the income to go with her. She never offered to pay my way (I would have refused), nor did she offer to put off the trip until I was on my feet again financially.

Finally, I realized that something was wrong and I broke it off. At that point, she went a little crazy on me. She began coming to my house all the time. I had to hide my key from her else she would have come into the house. At one point, she banged on my door for a good twenty minutes. There were other crazy things that she did, which I will refrain from mentioning.

At one point, I finally said to her, "You have some issues. Please go to therapy." She never did.

The relationship is finally over. But in thinking about it, the one thing I noticed is how she called me all the time, to talk with my about big things and small, to get my advice. However, it was usually about her or her job or her children, some aspect of her life.

I am fairly positive she never cheated on me. She was calling me too much or with too much for that. But I knew something wasn't right.

My bro in law who spent years in the mental health field, finally said to me that she was HPD. That there was little I could about it.

I confronted her bluntly the last time about going into therapy, but all that seemed to do was drive her to tears and she left, telling me what she would always love me.

Anyway, I don't know why I am mentioning all of this. I know she was HPD. I wasted a good three years of my life with this woman. At times she could be fun, but in most ways, it just seemed to be all about her.

She was forever mentioning the fact that she was a homecoming queen. But that was a small country school and over thirty years ago. And indeed when my daughter mentioned she had scored a 100 in Freshman English at the local university, this woman immediately piped up and said that she had made an A in her Freshman English. That was only thirty years ago at a local junior college.

And yet, after the breakup, it was all my fault. She went around telling people how mean I was and she also said I had broken her.

The funny thing is that I said to her over and over, you need to be in therapy. If you will go to therapy...but she would never go. That was the only condition I had, for her to go to therapy. But I guess all that talk about loving me so much was so much bluster and hot air in the face of going to therapy. It was the only condition I really put on her.

So that is my story. I wasted an important three years of my life. I have learned from it and all I can say is that when dating someone, you have to be vigilant and look for warning signs. And when you see those signs, it is best to get out in a hurry.

Interestingly enough, when I met with a counselor not so long ago, I shared this story with her. She said her experience is that HPD's, at least outwardly, seem to like themselves and they can't understand why other people don't. After all, they are the life of the party.

We all forget about the simple things in life Stingo. Do we feel better about life when someone enters a room or worse. Our significant other should bring a smile to our self and others when around. When they don't, the red flag should wave much higher than we let it.