Using Christianity as a disguise!

I met my HPD ex-wife on a Christian dating site. I took it slow in getting to know her. She was able to quote the Bible and attended Church 3 times a week. We dated for almost a year before we married 4 years ago. There were several red flags during the dating period but, I was convinced by others including her Pastor that I was over-reacting.
One red flag, was her getting fired from a dentists office job while we were dating for about 3 months. She stated that it was all the other girls in the office that were hard to get along with since they weren't Christians. The next red flag was when she took a new job at a construction business as a secretary. She would go out to lunch with the bosses and talk about how the bosses would offer to buy her gifts and fix her car. I can't quite explain it but, she was almost child-like in her excitement when these men offered to due something for her.
Another red flag was when she had her brother in law rub her feet while watching a movie at her sister's house. I just thought that this was a bit odd and she was so excited to tell me about it. I confronted her and told her that she was being inappropriate and lacked bounderies with other men. She told her Pastor about this and both he and she decided that I was just a jealous man. So I believed them.
Over the 2.5 years of marriage to her several episodes occured when she would talk about other men. She would also change her convictions and beliefs easily. One example of this would be that we decided not to have the children, (from her previous marriage who were 4 and 6) watch rated R or PG movies but, once she was out of our home the kids would tell me that their mother allowed them to watch movies that were rated PG-13 or R at her sisters home. That's just once small example of her changing convictions.
Anyway, there was conflict in our home due to repeated lies and cover-ups being exposed. The major one was when I found out that her first husband cheated on her because she first cheated on him. She told me initially that he cheated and that she was innocent. My EX-wife's brother told me this once when I was at his home. When I confronted her she became very angry and defensive. I told her that if I would have known that she was the cheater I would have never married her.
So we separated and begin marriage counseling with her pastor. We were in counseling for about 4 months until I showed up to her work one day at Walmart. When I walked up to her I noticed that she was not wearing her wedding ring. I did not make a scene, I just turned around and walked away. I refused to go to counseling due to her not wearing her wedding ring and her beginning to talk about other guys that she was meeting at Walmart. So needless to say, I divorced her.
What I'm confused about is initially, I thought that this girl truly loved Jesus. She would read her Bible daily, sing Hymns around the house, and went to church 3 times a week. I just can't believe that I was so easily deceived.
I know that there are true Christians out there that do live the faith. I don't want to discourage people into thinking that all Christians live like my EX-HPD but, I just wander if anyone else had this experience of their HPD using Christianity to hide behind?

I've met a few HPD's and NPD's in church. Christians come in all flavors.........At my work-place the biggest jerk there ( a 100% NPD) is a very in your face know it all so-called Christian.........but he's known for being mean, selfish, and manipulative. But he can put on a Christian face half the time.......
And then the next day brag about how his wife is basically his stupid slave......... He is a very sick man..........and all 500 people at work avoid him...BUt He loves Jesus!......sure..........

[ I don't want to discourage people into thinking that all Christians live like my EX-HPD but, I just wander if anyone else had this experience of their HPD using Christianity to hide behind?]

HPD's are chameleons and will use whatever means necessary as their subterfuge.

She knew religion was a big part of your life so she played the part. They may even buy into it for awhile. At some point they will get bored with it, and then look for other 'games' to play.

Remember they are excellent actresses and are master manipulators. One reason why they are so good at this is they pay particular attention to what matters to you most (your biggest emotional connections), and they they quickly align themselves to that. They hook you by creating that false connection and soon you begin thinking you found your dream girl. Once she sees that she has you emotionally connected, that is when the real nightmare begins They may even buy into it for awhile. At some point they will get bored with it, and then look for other 'games' to play...

Don't be too mad at your pastor, for they fool may good people...over time though they do show their true colors

I look at it this way. Entire wars have been started under the disguise of religion. What ever makes us think that this dynamic is not brought into our homes?

I have grown up with abusive parents that used Christianity is an excuse to condone violence, evade their parental responsibilities (read neglect here) and emotionally abuse their kids.

The "spare the rod, spoil the child" is taken too literally. The parents by using sticks and rulers say it is not them that is hitting the child!! It's also the best excuse they can have to accuse their young children of being possessed by demons and scaring the living $#%^ out of them by practising exorcisms. By constantly giving 'fire and brimstone' sermons and telling young children they will 'drown in a sea of 6 ft of blood on the streets' it's a way of controlling their kids by absolute fear and terror.....and it's the best cop out parents can have for evading their parental responsibilities towards giving them information and life skills for the real world. I mean, why should they bother, the 2nd coming of Christ is going to happen anyway, so there's no point in planning anything for the future. It's also the best excuse parents have for kicking their kids out of home if they don't comply to the 'christian rules' of the household....regardless of whether those rules have any form of reasonability about them.

As far as I'm concerned all manner of personality disordered people hide behind the teachings of religion and it gives them free reign of interpreting the bible to their own end. Christianity gives these people the authority to be as abusive as they wish under the disguise of doing God's work. Pfffft!

I'm not surprised counselling with her Pastor failed.....the odds were stacked against it.

koos12,

I hate to bring this up but- from the Christian perspective:
Even though lying is wrong, talking to members of the opposite sex if you’re married isn’t a good idea, flirting isn’t right, not wearing your wedding ring doesn’t make sense, changing your convictions means at best your faith is weak, acting immature & foolish like having someone of the opposite sex rub your feet (which isn‘t at the same level as sex)- well is what it is….

However from the Christian perspective, according to the Bible those don’t sound like Biblical grounds for divorce.
The only grounds for divorce would be proven adultery.

It seems this is going around the church these days, in that women want to marry a man who is “spiritual” , men are looking for the “godly woman” (who is beautiful & chaste) of their dreams. That’s great, all well and good, but that doesn’t mean your new spouse who is in Christ is going to be perfect, this is even though they go to church, read the Bible, pray etc…

These days so many have come from dysfunctional backgrounds, parents who have divorced, abuse as children, molestation, rape etc… People become Christians and yes their lifestyles should change, but that doesn’t mean they don’t need inner healing just like others who have been through similar things they have. It doesn’t mean that they couldn’t have had personality disorders before they became a Christian. If that’s the case, sometimes God changes some things instantly, other things God changes over time.

It’s unrealistic to think just because someone you marry is a Christian, that everything about them is going to be perfect, or that they aren’t going to have some problems & issues.

In fact, if one is a real Christian and it comes out their spouse is not, then that person has the responsibility/is accountable to be a witness to the other one (as by their life including forgiveness). If the non-Christian wants to leave, you can let them, but the Christian is not supposed to be the one to leave (except in clear cut adultery).

Maybe it’s over in your case, but there may be others…

shivers wrote:As far as I'm concerned all manner of personality disordered people hide behind the teachings of religion and it gives them free reign of interpreting the bible to their own end. Christianity gives these people the authority to be as abusive as they wish under the disguise of doing God's work.

shivers,
On the other hand, there are people with all kinds of personality disorders and various psychological problems who do not believe in a god, or have a mixed bag of beliefs. Just look at these forums. Many people who don’t believe in God or don’t follow an “organized religion” use their own beliefs, codes/rules/standards (or lack of) if you will, in order to justify & or excuse their own behavior. Many have been harmful to, disregarding of, others- all the while not even claiming to do it in the name of God or for any particular god.

of course, DT, you can find them anywhere. The point was that if they're in a religious group, they'll use religion and christianity to justify their disordered conduct. The original poster alluded to the fact that if you're a christian that goes to church etc., and professes to love Jesus, then how can one have the traits that are ineherently inconsiderate and abusive that are found in personality disorders? He found this confusing, whereas, I don't. I actually believe that religion attracts them like bees to a honeypot.

koos12 wrote:... I just can't believe that I was so easily deceived...

Look, people, you're missing the whole point here.

Christianity isn't the issue here, lability (or "labile" behavior") is.

You weren't "easily" deceived, she worked her ass off at it!

For whatever reason, most likely a very deep self-loathing that developed years before you ever met her, that was fostered in her youth with some connection to religion or Christianity. It could have been related to the cause of her PD or it could represent to her an escape from it... ie she knows what she does hurts people, doesn't want to hurt people but can't seem to not hurt people but if she could just act/be Christian then everything will be okay...

anyways, you mentioned changing beliefs and convictions. This is a hallmark trait of the HPD. She can never tell you "why" she believes what she does (impressionistic), only that she does and if you question her then there is something wrong with you...

whoa! Do I digress or what?!

Debating Christianity in this thread is far afield.

I should have explained more about the divorce. After I confronted her on not wearing her ring and staying after work until 2am talking to the opposite sex co-workers; she cut off all communications for 6 months. I continued to talk to her Pastor but, he informed me that she was done with me and that I must now move on. I agree that adultery is grounds for divorce but, disertion is also a reason given for divorce in the Bible. She told her pastor that she would never divorce me but, she cut off all communication for 6 months. I guess she wanted me to continue to be financially responsible for her for the rest of my life but, I didn't know where she was at or what she was doing. She moved over 3 hrs away from our home. I didn't know what else to due.

koos12 wrote:I should have explained more about the divorce. After I confronted her on not wearing her ring and staying after work until 2am talking to the opposite sex co-workers; she cut off all communications for 6 months. I continued to talk to her Pastor but, he informed me that she was done with me and that I must now move on. I agree that adultery is grounds for divorce but, disertion is also a reason given for divorce in the Bible. She told her pastor that she would never divorce me but, she cut off all communication for 6 months. I guess she wanted me to continue to be financially responsible for her for the rest of my life but, I didn't know where she was at or what she was doing. She moved over 3 hrs away from our home. I didn't know what else to due.

See? That doesn't have anything to do with religion, faith, or spirituality... she de-valued you and moved on to the next guy, like she did to the last guy before you.

You're just trying to wrap it in a neat little package that makes sense to you. You're looking for understanding where none exist.