I am leaving her

Panama,

Your feelings may cycle for a while. When I first left mine I felt wonderful for a few months then started missing her etc.........
Then she looked me up , several times over the years! We live 6 hours apart. And during one "reunion" I almost fell for her again!........we laughed and joked around for 3 days !!!


But you my friend have knowledge. you see through her.
you know about HPD. And there are folks here who can help you stay strong. That's very powerful.







Be Careful.......


And GOOD LUCK !!!

Panama wrote:What is hard here too is her insistentce that she is 'normal'. She has this incredible ability to turn it all around and make it so I have the problems. She'll even go further and sprinkle in a 'nobody else would put up with you like I do' crap just to sink her claws in that much deeper...

Know what is pathetic? I still love her...but now I am realizing I hate her as a person. I hate her dishonesty. I hate her manipulations and deceptions, and I HATE the fact that she has irreverible personality disorder! I hate what it has done to me and to us....Hell there is no us, there never really was an 'us'...it was just a fantasy/illusion she created

What we really have is an emotional vampire sucking out as much supply from me as she can...

This is not what I want, not even close. I wanted to believe her illusions so much! In fact, it SOUNDED like heaven, it was too good to be true. The reality of her sickens me. Is this like what a heroin user feels? What I mean is, how can something that at first felt so good, be so damn toxically horrible for you?

Panama I could speak volumes about your post for leaving was something I knew had to be done. It was gut-wrenching to say the least but like you I knew being with her was as you say toxic at best...

They drain and drain and drain while telling you that sinking feeling is all in your head It is a confusing and slow torture and they are clever enough to keep the fog in your eyes long enough to get their fill...

You are almost home free here. Yes there are times your really gonna miss her. It is part of the grieving process, but I promise you that as long as you keep no contact you can and will heal. Your gonna have to do more cognitive work simply because they do quite a number on our internal radar. However, it appears you are already onto her antics and this will bode well on your healing...

I like your idea about a tropical island to heal. I think anyone who has been in a relationship with these creatures deserves a free trip to paradise

btw...have you prepared your goodbye note?

Panama wrote:I hate what it has done to me and to us....Hell there is no us, there never really was an 'us'...it was just a fantasy/illusion she created

This is the key realization to hold onto––it was a destructive lie that you escaped from. Don't fall into the trap of being sentimental over something that never even existed.

she most likely will find someone in short time, if she hasn't already!

You can't worry about this... she found other guys to bonk a long time ago––she will not find what you are creating though; a real life and potentially a loving relationship based on respect, trust, reciprocity and true intimacy.

I need a tropical island to heal my wounded soul

I hope you are speaking metaphorically... low stress would probably be a good thing in the near term, but what you don't want to do is to isolate yourself from the real world (she already did that to you). A place where you can relate to other people and will be valued not because of what you can do but because you are inherently valuable. This is the part of our souls they steal from us.

I think you will be feeling better very soon... better each day. I hope you will be able to keep posting and let us know how you're doing.

Panama,

If it'll be anything like mine then you're in for a hard time. I felt as terrible as if I'd lost a perfect love in a split second. My grieving is still phenomenal.. The cerebral notion of the reality is what keeps my resolve firm, but this does not soften the blow of what I'm feeling much. Very little in fact.

So I'm guessing that, yeah, you'll hurt. You'll miss her terribly. Even though you know she was a bad person, you will miss the (unreal) good and lovely version of her. And you will have doubts, and she will try to blameshift and make you doubt yourself...

About 5 months out, I've discovered soooooo many other instances of her cheating on me, and much more systematically and earlier on in the relationship than I'd even thought possible, so this strengthens my resolve, and although it hurts I'm happy for that.

When I went No Contact it helped me get away a certain distance. Every tiny speck of news of contact from her set me back emotionally at least a month. Terrible times. No Contact is the most valuable piece of advice given here. You will most likely be presented with the false option at least once, of choosing for her again, but this time with her realising her bad actions and being a better person now. Most likely this will feel like the be all and all solution for both of you.

Most people would say "Don't fall for this!" and I would agree for the most part. I however fell for this. It lasted a mediocre two or three days I think. Keeping in mind all the things I had learned about HPD and about what healthy and normal boundaries are in a relationship I went along and said "okay". But I did have certain things i required. Very normal things to ask in a relationship, and definitely so after your partner has cheated and needs to regain your trust.

Boy did she fail the test miserably! This was a real eye-opener for me. Every tiny remark about how she'd misbehaved was not met with remorse and promises of improvement, but instead with lying and disbelief that I would STILL talk about that. She even tried to turn the blame on ME for not giving the relationship a new chance. It was obvious: she just wanted a quick and easy return to someone who had always been very good to her. The moment she started to pick up on the fact that there was going to be work to be done on her part, it was over.. Yeah, she said she still loved me, but her actions told otherwise...

What I'm saying is, in short, you'll most likely have rough waters ahead. A time of no contact, then some renewed contact, renewed hope perhaps, and then new disillusion. Each cycle does make things more clear however... By the third time she calls you to tell you she REALLY she's the horrible reality of what she did now, you can just tell her confidently: "Well, if it really IS the deep love of your life that you feel for me now, you should be able to contemplate your actions for a month or two, and then get back to me". Trust me. I've been with women who really loved me. If it's about real love women (and men) endure some months of patience.

So, read up here, and trust your instincts. There is a problem with cognitive dissonance (where you tend to filter out the things that DON'T match your explanation of her) so to stay sane you'll have to be honest, but I'm confident that the honest picture will be reason enough NOT to see her anymore.

Remember: you don't need to know if she is a demon or not. You don't need to know if she is evil or just whipped around by her own emotions. You don't need to know if SHE hurts or is just plain oblivious of what she does. All you need to know is if YOU could have a happy life with her.

Now, if only I could follow my own advice things would go swimmingly... Good luck. I'll be thinking of you. Seriously.

donlimpio wrote:If it'll be anything like mine then you're in for a hard time. I felt as terrible as if I'd lost a perfect love in a split second. My grieving is still phenomenal.. The cerebral notion of the reality is what keeps my resolve firm, but this does not soften the blow of what I'm feeling much. Very little in fact.

Panama and Don- I am reading a great book called "A Guide to Rational Living" by Albert Ellis and Robert Harper. It is Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT), a form of cognitive therapy developed and refined by the authors. They explain how we create and perpetuate dysfunctional emotions (neuroses) and how to use this knowledge to make permanent changes in how we feel and react to life's challenges. One point they emphasize over and again is that it can take quite a bit of persistence with our newly found rational cognitions to dispel the irrational beliefs upon which our feelings are generated. The process is like this... (A) Activating Experience - triggers a thought > (B) based on a Belief > (C) which generates Emotion. SO, even though you may cognitively realize that your hpd is toxic, sucks your soul and ruins your life, if your Belief (which lies beneath the surface) has not yet been changed to match the rational cognition (still believing hpd woman = love, sex, excitement, adrenalin) then your emotional reactions will be to miss her when she's gone or be thrilled when she tries to contact you. So it is vital to use the cognition to change the belief. The belief is like firmware, harder to update than just saving the cognition to the hard drive. But once you get that firmware changed from irrational to rational you will automatically respond appropriately. It takes work and possibly a lot of work if the belief is firmly entrenched. And since they used sex and all the other fundamental needs we have to secure attachment, it likely is. "Feeling Good" by David Burns is the same therapy/process. I highly recommend anyone who's at the critical juncture to spend some time with one of these books every day, and journal. It's working for me.

So, read up here, and trust your instincts. There is a problem with cognitive dissonance (where you tend to filter out the things that DON'T match your explanation of her) so to stay sane you'll have to be honest, but I'm confident that the honest picture will be reason enough NOT to see her anymore.

The theory of cognitive dissonance says that when dissonance rises to the level of the lesser of two conflicting cognitions/beliefs, a person will change the lesser one to alleviate the dissonance. So if the dissonance is caused by a conflict between your new cognition and a firmly entrenched belief you will naturally change the cognition––don't do that!!! Catch yourself and vehemently dispel the IB over and over until it's hardwired in your brain. At that point you will have relieved the dissonance and changed your predisposition to being manipulated by hpd woman because you will have changed your emotional reaction.

How you doin' Panama? Are you ready?

PS: I don't mean to come across as though I have any expertise... just trying to pass along useful information that I've recently learned and at the same time it helps me to integrate it.

Here I sit in the midnight hour and realizing this is the day I will leave her forever. She is sound asleep and I am catching myself looking at her. This is the last time I will see her asleep and this is the last time we both will share the same bed. This whole experience just crushes my heart. Looking at her she is strikingly beautiful, but so very wounded inside. I never saw it coming. I mean how can you tell with the naked eye that someone is so dangerously toxic for you?

These last few days have been very difficult. I feel torn between just holding onto her and shutting the world out or just do as I planned and walk out that door. I will choose the latter cause I now accept there is nothing that I can do to change her. There is really not much the medical community can do for us either. I know if I stay that she will hurt me even more than she already has....

The cracks in her stories are getting larger and larger and I have no more trust in her. In reading all your stories I know this only will get worse. Her actions and gestures seem to have taken a more desperate tone and her need for constant validation has been hard to handle. If only her words were as good! The actress in her is amazing, and she had me fooled for the longest of times.

I know she is tortured and this is why she does what she does, but the sadness I will carry will be deep and cutting. She more than likely to be with someone within weeks, and they way I feel now this sadness will take many months if not a year or two to heal. I know life is not suppossed to be fair, but damn I never saw this cruelty coming. Yes I will have supports and yes I will get through this. It is just my gift from this union will be a dull pain of sadness in my heart, apathy in my soul, and fog for my brain. I know we always take a chance in any relationship, but I never saw the jagged pieces in this one...so I now must run blind until time heals

Seeing her sleep she looks so innocent, but looks truly are deceiving. How ironic I talk about loss of innocence cause in many ways that is what is happening to me

The plan is set and I should be able to get my things out while she is working. I hate all of this but especially how it ends. However, a brief note is best for ME and I know her...if given the chance, she would do something and I cannot take that chance. This whole thing is already dark enough. Time for me to start healing...

Thanks for the support and advice. I am so very grateful to all of you to take the time and try to help me. It means alot, and I will post again soon

Hey Panama,

You have my sympathy and support. I'm out of the country for a few days, probably without an internet connection (off to the Maroccan desert), but I will follow your progress closely...

I would say: don't expect any miracles in the first few weeks. I think I told my ex "this is the LAST time you've seen me!" about 50 times, and usually I was the one to fold and reestablish contact. I would advise against this, mind you but I was weak.

A breakup is always tough, and like Santa Fe said (great post by the way Santa) the irrational beliefs do often regulate your emotions. I have the "good" fortune of my ex going to extremes, which makes the outcome clear to me.

Watch out for doubt. In dark times remember this: the decision you are making now is not one you made lightly. It is based on reality, on facts so severe that they impede a happy life with her. Don't doubt yourself. Sane people do not make decisions like this lightheartedly, i.e. you have EVERY reason to leave her. Don't forget that.

Don't listen to her words. I have the luck that a friend of her is my snitch. Thanks to her the abyss between her words and her actions is clear. If it wasn't for that, I'd probably be eaten up inside by now.

Oh boy. I'm so sorry you have to live through this. It does get better. Do not forget to seek the company of intelligent, warm and caring women. This was the biggest eye-opener for me.

Good luck and godspeed!

Panama,
It has been almost a week now and no word. I hope no news means good news, and in this case I assume it does. Just keep your focus and resolve––know your reasons, never second guess. Keep looking optimistically forward and make each day another step in that direction. I know it's not easy and just thought I'd post a word of support and let you know we're thinking about you––hope you're doing ok. Let us know how it goes when the time is right. All the best!
SF

Hi,

I have just seen your thread, I was wondering how you are doing?
I truly hope you have found happiness.

Takecare

I seriously just want to be a monk for the next year and just heal...

It's very good that you see the path ahead. Your plan is courageous, thoughtful, and a great gift to yourself. You think enough of yourself to make this investment in the rest of your life.