Am I right to be worried?

I don’t know whether my feelings about this person are correct but I suspect that she may have HPD. This is a long post so here goes, although it’s taken place over so many years that I have had to leave some things out. I have only just learned about HPD and some of her behaviour fits, but some may not.

I first knew about her when I got together with the man who is now my husband. He had known her for many years and had always been very keen on her but she had always held him at ‘arms length’ so to speak. They had never had a physical relationship. She was well known for cancelling arrangements at the last minute if something better came up and couldn’t be relied upon. He put up with this. She always liked to be the centre of attention and I would describe her as a drama queen. She had a job in the media. He once described her as dressing as the actress she always wanted to be. When we first got together it was very noticeable that she would telephone him when she knew I would be there, whereas previously months could go by when there would be no contact from her, and he spent ages on the phone chatting, which annoyed me a bit, to be honest. It was as if she was saying, hey look at me…He was obviously flattered that she was contacting him more regularly and didn’t see anything wrong with it, although I found it suspicious. I know that she also telephoned him whilst I was at work and I am pretty sure that I was the subject of some of their conversations. By contrast my job was a lot more mundane in that I was in secretarial/PA work, and I felt that somehow this was a source of amusement.

It was around this time that she approached my partner for a loan saying that she needed it for the mortgage. He didn’t hesitate. To this day he has never been repaid, but I don’t think he expected to be. We later learned that she had gone abroad with her sister so I’m not sure if the money was ever intended to be used for the mortgage!

Some time later her mother was very ill and she again contacted my partner wanting support from him about this and was on the phone numerous times and invited him to the rather grand funeral for which they produced a printed order of service. It was a case of ‘oh, hasn’t she suffered, I must be there for her, how can you complain’ etc..

Fast forward a year or two. We learned that she had met a marvellous man in LA and was planning to get married and she sent us a wedding invitation. This obviously annoyed my partner who said that I didn’t need to go, but I said that it was addressed to both of us. In the event we didn’t go as he didn’t want to. Obviously couldn’t cope with seeing her getting married.

It all went quiet apart from maybe one Christmas card. Until recently. Eight years or more… Suddenly a card drops on the mat. You’ve guessed it. Addressed to my husband, not both of us. Saying how she is thinking of him. She is on holiday and is going through a divorce and is wondering how he is. Hopes he is happy… I am not happy. I think there is more to come. There was no return address but I think there will be more contact. I am now waiting for the post and wondering when the next contact will come.

I’ve tried to keep this brief. When I spoke to my husband about this he said he didn’t want to be nasty to her. For god’s sake, what is she trying to do? It’s obvious to me, she’s trying to stir things up. It’s blatantly obvious to me. I think someone should tell her in no uncertain terms.

Does this sound at all like an HPD personality trait? What do you think?

Hi,

It definately sounds to me like HPD-type behaviour and I can sense your anger at it all. One thing about people with HPD is that they appear to see people in their lives as objects; objects that are there to satisfy their every wishes. It is behaviour that truly angers me too, because I have been the victim of at least two girls with HPD in my life. I was foolish enough to loan things to one and, of course, I'll never see those items (and that money) ever again.

You're anger is justified 100% here and your husband should be cutting this lady out of his life. In fact, he should have cut her out of his life years ago. This recent occurance (the card addressed to your husband) is yet again proving that she has not changed. She sees your husband as her emotional 'sponge' and - possibly - a future partner. This will never end until your husband is firm with her and makes it absolutely clear that he wants nothing to do with her. Ideally, you should not send back any reply to her and ignore any attempt that she makes to contact you.

I am really sensing your anger here (because I'm angry too).

Kevin

PS - A good way of viewing people with HPD is as nothing but spoilt children inside adults' bodies. This analogy works well for me.

Thanks for your reply.

I think that we will hear from this person again, it's just that I don't know when or how she will make contact. I know that my husband was flattered by the card and he said he was sure I could stop him being stupid, which I thought was a telling remark!

What I don't like and find hurtful is that he obviously still has time for her and on one occasion he accused me of playing the role of victim. How do you answer that!?

Surely his first loyalty should be to me, his wife, not her?

Chucky is right. It is your husband's responsibility to be respectful toward you and your marriage, and sever contact with this other woman. (And, yes, she is an "other woman" even if he has never had sex with her.) He should politely tell/write her, ONCE, that he is married and doesn't feel it would be appropriate for him to maintain contact with her. Then he should absolutely ignore her further attempts to contact him. If he will not do these things, then you have a problem in your marriage. I personally feel that you would be completely justified in requesting that he end all contact with this woman; don't let him or her make you feel that it's unreasonable!!

I agree with Roni's last sentence there, that you would be completely justified in asking him to end all contact with this woman. It is the only way forward from this messy situation. She has your home-adress obviously, but does she have any contact numbers? If she does, it would be a good idea to change your numbers. She will never change who she is if she has yet to do so in her 30 or so years so far in life. You must not be her victim again.

Your husband may still look upon her fondly but you should remind him of her bad side as much as you can. If possible, arrange a time for you and your husband to talk about this, and make the promise to each other that there's to be no shouting at each other! If you can arrange this, then make sure you express your opinions of her clearly.

Look, your husband loves you and wants to be with you. This other lady is just a virus, but you know how she operates and can therefore stay clear of her with common sense.

Take care,
Kevin