I got the Answer !!!!

ccumm36D is making tons of sense to me. I doubt this is old pain, resurfacing again after 40 years. Twinges of pain... old hard memories... a quick stabbing feeling.. yea, that makes sense.

But this obsession to post continuously, as if this thing is still fresh? Even to the point of creating a signature tag line reiterating what he continually says in his many posts, yet again? Odd to me.

Then, his final question... was it for rent money or because of her disgust for me? THIS... THIS... is the final, all encompassing question after 40 years of processing this pain??? That's IT?

Yep, cccum is bringing up some very valid questions and observations... and it might be helpful to Wisernow to consider his comments. Unless Wisernow is just feeling lonely and wanting to have a reason to keep posting on this forum...

And Dan, I beg you to please give this drum you keep banging a rest. You are tedious and not helpful and transparently silly when you direct your 'indirect' remarks to ccum...

I was witness to something last year that kind of 'blew' me away.

It was my exNPD's mother (ex-MIL). She's been divorced from her one and only husband about 40 or so years. All her children are grown up adults, the youngest about 42 (eldest, my ex at 49).

She was visiting us from New Zealand and received an SMS message from her daughter-in-law. It contained some news about her ex husband from long ago who was supposed to be picking up the daughter-in-law from the airport and it appeared he'd gotten an attack of 'alzhemers' and had left DIL waiting in car park. For some reason, DIL messaged her MIL to see if she had the phone number for the ex-husband.

The resulting effect on ex-MIL about this message and that her ex-husband had done something considered dumb or forgetful was quite profound. I could see that ex-MIL was really amused and affected by this incident.

I found myself asking how anybody could be emotionally moved, after so many years divorced. I also asked myself why on earth would anyone possibly have the phone number of their ex-husband after 40 years? And further more, why would a DIL think that her MIL would even have this phone number?!?!?! Wouldn't adult children who still maintained a relationship with their father do so independently of their mother being involved.

For clarification, I have to say that the family has been rather 'fractured' for many years, with minimal contact with the father, and all adult siblings maintaining strong connections with the mother.

The whole situation was rather bizarre to my way of thinking. I found it hard to believe that she'd still be affected (mightily amused in a nasty sort of way) to such an extent about someone she'd not been married to for 40 years. But she was, and I guess some people retain a 'connection' of some sorts. She remained 'scornful' of her ex-husband for several hours, repeatedly bringing up the incident for most of the afternoon and speculating about whether ex-of-40-years was becoming 'senile'. Something which she (and her son, my partner at the time) both contemplated in a rather nasty way for a number of hours.

From my point of view, this connection, after so many years doesn't appear to be particularly healthy, though.

As for me, my first ex is now 25 years into my past and I'd have to say there's little emotional connection if at all. None really. I guess it must be different for other folk.

One can take a pass and not trivialize someones feelings. Ccumm could have passed on the thread but chose not to.

Who decides his pain is less important than yours or mine?

No more therapy for Vietnam vets, "build a bridge and get over it."

Hey Shivers,

I was at my best friend's wedding two months ago, and the (over 30 years divorced) father of my friend stepped up to me, looked at his ex-wife and said to me: "The woman standing there is still, after all this time, the woman of my life". The really crooked thing is that HE was the one that left her because he was (as I see it) too immature to 'settle' for family life. Of course she's been together with another man for 20 years now, being generally happy, and he's still riding around on motorbikes, going out and meeting the sort of women you mostly meet in bars and clubs. Not to generalise, but he's not been able to build a steady relationship.

But I digress. Not being able to let go a hundred percent.. A good old friend I ran into asked me how my girlfriend and I were doing. Alas, I had to tell him how she'd blown up the relationship as only an HPD can. He proceeded to tell me how he'd been with a girl with issues for five years, and how now, five years later, he's together with another girl, not with as much passion, but they're really happy together, they've got two wonderful kids, and life is good. He too said: "My ex was the love of my life, but we just didn't make eachother happy".

The sentiment for one ex-partner who meant the world to you once that never fades away seems to a recurring theme. This frightens me. Maybe I'm aiming to high, maybe I have overly romantic notions of 'the one', encompassing ALL the traits I look for in a woman (so simultaneously as outrageously sexy, sexual, gorgeous and sensual as my HPD-ex - even though I think that this type of wild sexuality is almost only possible in personality disordered people - and at the same time responsible, sweet, mature, loving and caring, and artistic, and intelligent etc... >> big shoes to fill!! ) but I really don't want to live like these people, along the lines of "Welll, THAT was the love of my life, but you know, life's quiter and easier now, and it's alright enough for me."

Wisernow, I've grown really fond of you and your posts over the two months I've been visiting this forum, but sometimes I too am amazed at how spiteful and intense some of your remarks are, even after 40 years... Maybe you should take some time to think about how much you really are over her. Maybe not. I don't pretend to know how others feel. But I did notice the way you still write about her 40 years later.

Like I said: I hope there will be NO room for even a tiny splinter of her in my heart in a couple of years, especially when I'm with a family of my own (and a really loving partner), but I must say I'm afraid. Even the typical question from a new female partner "Was she more beautiful than me???" will be a struggle for me. I am by nature and principle extremely honest, so I do not know how I'll tackle this one.

More later: busy day at work.

I'm not sure I can emphatically say I still hold a torch for a lost 'love of my life'. I do however, have a soft spot in my heart for the guy I lost my virginity to! Always something special about that.

Holding a soft spot for a past love, no matter how it ended, seems normal, human and healthy.

But sometimes it is eye-opening to recognize how addictive anger can be. Feeling angry, together with indignation, can create a strong sense of self-righteousness, aliveness, identity.
I don't presume to know that any posters here are doing so, but having been duped (or worse, abused) by an NPD or HPD person can easily lead to that feeling.

It is certainly healthier to work towards letting go of it.

Dang mindful. A strange feeling crept over me while casually reading the words "Feeling angry, together with indignation, can create a strong sense of self-righteousness, aliveness, identity".

Recognition... Not good..

I built a bridge today !!!!!!!!!!!


HA Ha !


Miss Shivers........ You bring up a good point, she was my first love..........she was selfish, crazy etc.......but she was my first love.

But I have good news !!!!


I have the answer !!!!

I HAVE THE FRIGGING ANSWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It took 3 years but I've got it!


The Real Question: Why does a brand new HPD Child-bride abandon the groom, and throw herself at her friends handsome new boyfriend a few days after the wedding?


PRIDE ! and ENVY!!!



It was envy. that's the root of it.

The Grass is so much greener over there!!!!


I have the answer finally. That's all I wanted. I asked her a few
times and she really couldn't explain it.






It was just pride and envy..........

The only reason I kept repeating things is I was hoping that someone, maybe a newbie would come along that could tell me Why....

Well i reviewed all the evidence, and every stupid thing she ever said..and .....I have it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I know Why she turned against me and abandonned me....on the so-called honeymoon!!!


I know WHY !!!


That's all I ever wanted.




WN

Sorry, dude, but I don't think so.

You haven't learned anything in three years that you didn't know in forty. You certainly didn't gain anything from an obscure internet chat forum that you didn't gain from forty years of life experience.

The HPD is disordered.

You are trying desperately to assign order where none exist. Pride? Envy? No.

And what of your current wife... nary a mention, poor girl.

You will never understand the inexplicable. None of us will. The best we can hope for is acceptance. Accept what happened to you. It just did and give it no more cosmic significance than that. But who am I to give advice to a man that lives for his suffering.

For without it who would you be?

I feel for you, I really do. I thank God, I'm not like you!

CCum my current wife is the sweetest person i ever knew. But now she has cancer. We've had a wonderful life together..........We've been together for 30 wonderful years.

She is also the only real friend I have in this world.