I split up with my girlfriend a few months ago. It was a very short relationship (less than a month) but it was nonetheless quite hard on me as I really liked her and my subsequent attempts to understand what happened have lead me here. I believe she may have been HPD, or at least displayed traits, and I just wanted the opinion of others on this.
To give you a summary of events, sorry if it's a bit long:
Week 1 - we met online and she was very chatty...there was one Sunday where she was emailing me constantly and it was a bit hard to keep up. She sounded very friendly and seemed to like the same things as me, although some of her language was a bit childlike (e.g. 'only 22 more sleeps till I go on holiday!). She was a South African, so I just thought maybe it was more a cultural difference. We exchanged mobile nos and immediately she sent me a text 'just to make my phone beep!' as she put it. We had a chat on the phone and she came across as a very enthusiastic and funloving girl. She texted me a few times over the next few days to say how much she was looking forward to meeting me and to made a comment about how she was 'going to have trouble keeping up with me' at salsa (we both go, but I used to go a couple of times a week as opposed to her once). Nothing too flirtatious, but the messages were very chatty and fun, and I guess I was already starting to get sucked in.
1st date - we met for a drink and she was much better looking than her photo on the website suggested. I mentioned this at the end of the date and she seemed to lap it up. She seemed to be into lots of the same things as me (obviously I'd talked a lot about my interests in the emails) and was very eager to meet up again that weekend and seemed happy to fit in around my plans (I'd mentioned that I might go to watch the London Marathon that Sunday and she offered to meet me in London somewhere). She kissed me on the lips when we said goodbye, which struck me as unusual for a first date, and told me to text her when I got back so she would know I'd got home safely, which at the time I thought was just a demonstration of a caring personality. She was eager that I call her the next evening and although she was in a pub with her parents, she stood outside chatting to me for about 20mins.
2nd date - we had a day out at the zoo and she initiated handholding and then I gave her a kiss, from which point on we were effectively an item. We had a meal afterwards and spend about an hour on the backseat of my car kissing (bit like being a teenager again). I drove home on air and again she insisted I text her when I got home. The next morning she updated her Facebook status to say she was 'still grinning' and got me to email over photos from the previous day so her colleagues could see what I looked like. She emailed me to say how happy she was and that she'd told her mum and a few friends why. That evening she was going to the theatre with her mum and texted me several times...'we've arrived at the theatre, wish you were here'...'just got in our seats, wish you were here'...'show's just finished, wish you were here'. We'd arranged to meet up the next evening so she could introduce me to some of her friends, who were going out for a meal to celebrate a birthday and said things like 'can't wait to see you again'...'only one more sleep'...and then the next day 'no more sleeps'. Granted looking back now I can see it was a bit strange after only a few days, but she seemed to be such an attractive, fun loving girl that I was already being swept along and didn't really see it at the time.
3rd date - I picked her up and met her parents (she lives with them still) and then her friends. I wouldn't say she came across as wanting to be the centre of attention abnormally, but she certainly had a bubbly personality. I had a slight feeling of being on parade, like she was enjoying her friends seeing me. After the meal we spent time talking in my car. She told me that she tended to dominate her relationships and that I'd need to stand up to her. I wasn't sure what she meant by this and didn't really pursue that line of conversation. She also told me that 'she didn't play games' and that she was worried that I'd be scared off by her being too intense. I replied that on the contrary I liked it, as I tend to go with my feelings too and I much preferred her openness. Again I drove home very happy and the next day we exchanged more texts and I got more 'hey handsome'...'missing you angel'...and lots of 'xxxx' and 'mwah, mwah, mwah'.
4th date - she came to my flat and I cooked. During the day we'd exchanged a lot of emails and she was clearly very excited about seeing me again. I hadn't really intended that anything intimate should happen (I was really thinking this was the start of a longterm thing and didn't want to rush it), but when we were kissing on my sofa, she initiated things and we ended up in bed. She wore a skirt for the first time since I'd seen her and rather sexy underwear, which made me wonder if she'd planned it. Afterwards she looked a bit worried and asked me if 'we'd done this too soon?'. Now I wonder if she meant 'oh dear, I've caught you and now I'm already getting bored'.
A couple of days later we met in London and had a day out up there. She was a bit quiet at times, but still very attentive. She insisted on us having a photo taken with the Eros statue in Piccadilly Circus and grabbed me for a very passionate embrace in Covent Garden. One thing that I did pick up on was that she seemed to have had a fair amount of previous relationships. Walking round London she would say 'I went there once with an ex-boyfriend', and this was mentioned a few times and it was never the same boyfriend. I asked her, just casually, how many 'longterm relationships' she'd had and she replied four, but I got the impression there'd been a lot more short-terms. This was a bit jarring, as it seemed to be at odds with the sweet natured persona she was presenting to me, but I put it to the back of my mind when it should have rung some alarm bells. She stayed at mine that night and we seemed to have a very loving time that night and the following morning. When I drove her home she seemed a bit quiet, but I put that down to her being tired, having been out partying with friends in London the previous couple of nights.
Again the rest of the week was characterised by lots of texts saying how happy she was to have met me, couldn't wait to see me, 'only two more sleeps'. Looking back now it was all a bit pathetic, but at the time I couldn't wait to hear my phone beep and get her next text. She updated her Facebook profile to show a photo of me and her together which I read as a good sign. I chatted to her about going away for a long weekend and she agreed, texted me to say she'd booked the time off at work (with lots of smiley faces and kisses) and so I booked a couple of nights in a hotel for about seven weeks time. Again, I can see that booking a weekend away after only a couple of weeks is fast, but it just all felt so right. I was completely smitten at this point and couldn't think about much else but her.
She didn't want to meet up during the week, but I put it down to her being tired/busy at work, and didn't want to seem to be too pushy, so just left it. At the weekend she had another party with friends in Wimbledon. I drove us there and we had a good time with her friends. Again she came across as being very popular and fun and most of her friends had known her many years from school. She seemed to enjoy showing me off, and we stayed the night in the spare room, although nothing happened as she felt uncomfortable it being someone elses bed. Again the next morning she was quiet, but I put that down to her being tired.
Although she was going to see another show in London that evening, she wanted to go back home (on the coast) first, so she could go back in on the coach with her mum. I didn't mind, but it did involve a lot of driving on my part (I live midway between London and the coast so had to double-back to get home) and I thought was a bit selfish. At no point did she acknowledge it was a lot of driving for me or ask if I was ok with it, she just seemed to take it for granted. Again, I was so smitten I pushed it to the back of my mind. We'd talked about going out the next weekend (she was off on holiday the week after) and she'd agreed to stay over on the Friday and we'd have a day out with a picnic on the Saturday. We were also going to go shopping on the Sunday. On the drive back she started backtracking from this, saying she'd have lots of packing to do and so might not stay over on the Friday and would just see me on the Sunday instead. I started to worry that she was changing her mind about me and must have gone a bit quiet, because when I dropped her off she seemed very eager to reassure me...threw her arms around me, big cuddle and kiss, etc. Again I drove home feeling happy and telling myself not to be so pessimistic. I got a lovely text saying how much her friends had liked me and signed off 'Your S**'. First time she'd done this and I took it as a sign that she really did want to pursue things with me. Later that day I got a photo sent to my phone of her at the theatre and another couple of texts telling me she was heading home and saying how she'd turned down one of the 'stars on ice' because I was so much more handsome (we'd made jokes about her fancying this bloke off the telly). By this stage I just felt so warm and happy, and really believed she wanted to be with me. To be honest I felt that I was really 'batting above my average' and had met this attractive girl, with a lovely fun personality, who seemed to like the same things as me, have the same values and want the same things in the long run. I really thought I'd met 'The One' and it was fantastic.
Another week of texts and chats on the phone followed. I got one that was just a load of 'xxxx' and when I asked her I recieved the reply that she'd not got anything to tell me, but had just been thinking about me. Midweek she told me that she would stay over on the Friday, as she wanted to spend more time with me before she went on holiday (I had wondered if she was worried it might be her period and that was why she'd not wanted to stay).
On the Friday we went for a meal with one of my friends and his girlfriend. After the meal we had a romantic walk by a river and went back to mine. She insisted on getting a photo of us together on her phone to use as her wallpaper and again we had a very loving night together. The next morning she asked me if I'd like to go to Paris for her birthday and we talked about booking that. We also were talking about her taking me to South Africa next year and it really seemed like we were at the start of an amazing adventure. The next day we went shopping and to the cinema. Again she was a bit quiet at times, but then would be her playful self again, which was a bit confusing. She dropped me off back at my flat and although she said she couldn't come in, as she had lots to do for her holiday, she was still very passionate in her goodbye. As I wasn't going to see her for a bit, I told her that I was falling for her and thought she was fantastic. She didn't seem to know quite how to take this and didn't really reciprocate, but I felt comfortable expressing my feelings because of all the things she'd said to me. At this point I thought that she really did like me and wanted to pursue a relationship. Because I'm a bit of an old romantic I decided to do a little card for her to take on holiday, in which I just expressed my feelings. I signed it off 'love', because it just seemed the natural thing to say, as I was falling for her. She told me I was 'so thoughtful' and she was so 'lucky to have me', and then drove off.
Anyway, the next morning she called to say she'd opened the card and to thank me for it. I replied that I was glad she liked it, and then she told me that she didn't feel the same way and was ending it. She was completely cold and clinical, and when I asked her why she'd said all that she had, slept with me and organised holidays when she felt that way, she responded that she'd been 'forcing her feelings' because she'd wanted it to work. At no point did she show any compassion or regret at hurting me, nor did she acknowledge that she had led me on. She said we could stay friends 'only if I could accept that was all we were' and when I said, 'so this is probably the last time we will talk', the response was a flat 'yes'. I was totally confused as she seemed to have undergone a complete personality change. The lovely girl I thought I knew wasn't there at all. After the phone call I sent a rather pathetic text pretty much begging her to reconsider, and she responding to say she was sure I'd find Miss Right, but 'sorry, it's not me'. The next morning in an act of particular insensitivity she updated her Facebook status to say '*** is in Cuba
', as if I'd already ceased to even feature in her thoughts.
To be honest I really struggled for a bit, because of the sudden dramatic turnaround. For the first time in my life I'd fallen completely head over heels and I never thought I would get such a lovely girl. It had just all seemed so amazing and being discarded so suddenly, without it seemed a moment's thought, was very hard to deal with. I convinced myself that if we stayed friends on Facebook there was a chance, so I sent a message saying how much I'd enjoyed our time together, thought she was a very pretty girl (feeding her ego I guess) and I'd like us to remain friends. Upon her return from holiday she did send a nice reply, telling me I was a 'decent bloke' and 'Miss Right was out there' for me and she would love to stay friends, but still no acknowlegdment of the hurt she'd caused me. Subsequently I had a chat with one of her friends online, and letting my hurt get the better of me, I alluded to the fact that I felt I'd been lead on and used, and if I had my time again I would have emailed the friend instead (who was also on the same dating website) and had made a mistake choosing to date ***. This obviously got back to her and was taken as a big insult, as I was suddenly blocked on Facebook. I texted her to say I was sorry if I'd offended her but perhaps a clean break was best, and recieved a dismissive response stating that 'in light of recent events, friends won't work'. I think the stress, lack of sleep and hurt all boiled over and I sent a text asking for money she owed me on the holiday (which she refused to give me) and saying that I felt I'd had a lucky escape as there was clearly 'a very different side to the sweet girl I'd been falling for'. Anyway, that clearly touched a nerve and prompted a very angry OTT response in which she branded me 'seriously unstable with big issues' (gaslighting???) and said she was so glad I was out of her life and I was to 'never go anywhere near her again' (seeming to suggest I was some sort of stalker). What I'd said to her wasn't that bad, and most people in her position would have understood that it was a product of the hurt they'd caused and dealt with it accordingly, but as soon as I pointed out her failings she reacted with real anger.
Subsequently I wrote to her, just to end things on a better note, as it had upset me that something that had been important to me ended so badly. She did respond with a cursory letter, the gist of which was 'fair enough, but it was all your fault'. She again failed to even acknowledge that she might have caused me hurt or show any empathy for my pain. She really just used it as an opportunity to reiterate that it was over, as we 'weren't meant to be' and the most she could bring herself to say about me was that I was a 'decent bloke'.
Anyway, through the magic of Facebook and a mutual friend I have found out that she met someone else on holiday and was with him within a fortnight of getting back (while I was still really low, thank God I didn't know at the time!). I was shown a few things and it seems that she was doing exactly the same thing to this guy, writing lots of kisses on his wall and 'only 3 more sleeps to go' etc. It's probably a tried and tested technique! It's a distance relationship which is interesting because I guess that means she can delay the boredom and has an easy get out excuse when required, but it's a bit galling that she's been with him longer. One of the things that got me was the feeling that if only she'd given it longer we would have got to know each other better and cemented things.
I apologise for rambling on, but my question is, does it sound like she might be HPD? Having read other stories here she seemed to display some of the traits, showering me with affection and compliments so I thought she really liked me (the texts numbered four of five a day, and if I didn't text her first, she'd text me), then backing away when things started to get more emotional, suddenly changing her mind and displaying a coldness lack of empathy, and then a real anger when her failings were pointed out to her. I guess like a lot of chaps here, I still wonder if I did anything wrong and berate myself for losing what seemed to be the girl of my dreams, although in reality it was probably a lucky escape.
Just to give you a bit of background on her...she's 28, always seemed very smiley (possibly the smile was exagerated, certainly it was one of the things you noticed most about her) and generally seemed to have a very childlike demeanour. One of my friends described her as immature, and I suppose she was in many ways, but to me she seemed funloving and endearing. She described herself as an 'adrenaline junkie'...she'd done bungee jumping, parachuting, scuba diving etc, although never it seemed for very long. She did use quite expressive language...'wow that's awesome' was a favourite phrase. I can't really say that she came across as wanting to be the centre of attention in the extreme, but she told me she tended to get more drunk than her friends when they got together, and in so doing became the centre of attention by doing silly things, and loved playing Wii and doing karaoke in front of people. I noticed that she did seem to react badly to criticism...on the phone one evening she was upset because her mum had said she didn't like the highlights she'd had in her hair and was very keen to get my opinion on it when she saw me, and she also texted me all upset one day because her boss at work had criticised her excessive use of the internet.
She has about 270 friends on Facebook and loves putting up photos and comments for all to see. The comments and status updates are often all cheeful and jolly (although maybe a little bit immature in tone) and to look at her profile you'd think she was this lovely, slightly dippy, fun loving, popular girl. After we split I had a look at her friends on Facebook and there were at least five ex boyfriends (dated for a short while) on there, and those are just the ones she's talking to, so I think there have been quite a few relationships in her past. I've also read on here about the 'HPD face' and I think at times I did see her do that, although possibly I'm making things fit too much in my search for an explanation.
I'd value people's opinions on this. I've pretty much moved on now and I've started dating again. Certainly going out with more down-to-earth girls makes for an interesting contrast, but it was such an intense, wonderful and then traumatic and awful experience I still find myself wanting to understand what happened to me. Even if she wasn't totally HPD, she had traits and was clearly trouble, so I know I am better off without her.
Many thanks in advance
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