Victim of smear campaign

Please excuse this rant, I had to write it down:

Let me begin by saying that I've had devastating experiences with two HPD persons in my life, none of whom I was romantically/sexually involved with. About ten years ago (when I was 18 ) I met the love of my life, or so I thought. I'm not going into any details of that, but suffice it to say that everyone around her
was getting more and more exasperated, trying (and ultimatrely failing) to understand her. In the end it was a question of everyone being crazy or her having issues. So, I picked up the DSM, read it from cover to cover, and had a revelation when I came to HPD. She met all the criteria. Of couse I knew that I couldn't diagnose anyone, and I didn't tell anyone about it, but it gave me some peace of mind to know that we were not all crazy. The HPD "diagnosis" somehow explained things.

As luck would have it, I was going away to university and soon managed to leave everything behind me. She was, at the time, together with my best friend, but kept sending me letters that I should have patience and wait for her. But as I said, at the time I knew that she had psychological problems, and managed to ignore her. A few years later I heard from my friend (and her former boyfriend) that she had indeed been diagnosed with HPD and was now in cognitive therapy.

Fast forward ten years... After me and my girlfriend broke up (after a happy 5 year relationship) I decided that I wanted to start things anew and applied for a PhD in another country.I got accepted and moved there last August. After a few months I decided it was time to come out of mu post-relationship bubble and starting to see
other people. And then, all of a sudden I meet a fantastic, quirky, charming and intelligent girl in one of my seminars. We went for coffee a few times, and I suppose I was on the verge of falling for her big time, but the warning flags were their from the get-go. I saw her project different (and very conflicting images) to different
people. When confronted she'd often regress to a little girl or seduce someone out of the blue. I soon realized that she was a spitting image of my first HPD "friend", but I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps we could become friends.

It turned out that she had a fan club; I couldn't understand why the other guys bothered, seeing that she clearly wasn't interested in them in any way (be it romance or friendship). In fact, they intimidated her, or so she told me. It didn't take me long to realize that she'd been saying the same thing to everyone else, fooling every guy into believing that it's him, not the others, whom she's interested in. With her female friends, on the other hand,
she puts on the whole "oh, pity me" melodrama, accusing the guys of treating her badly and being predatory. Sacrificing their reputation in the process.

Some of her friends have tried to act as chaperones only to realize that, in the end, she much prefers the attention the fan club is giving her to the sympathy they're able to give her. It's strictly utilitarian. The guys on the other hand are told to stay away from here by the "chaperones", who want to protect the poor damsel in distress, who someone can't seem to fend for herself. And due to all the mixed signals everyone starts to doubt themselves.
Maybe it's their fault after all, maybe they're drinking too much and pushing her.

Once you realized how she operated, everything made sense. Everyone who was not with her at the time (friends, fan club-members) were always slightlye less... Yup, she never spoke out, always hinting at their shortcomings with ellipses and god knows what:

"I think N.N is the least...
The last what?
Oh, you know what I mean."

And of course she got away with it. The net result being that everyone around her somehow felt more elect. But it was all very subtle and accumulative. She's the passive-aggressive type of HPD, but sometimes she would act out. I remember one night when she left with a few friends from a café only to storm in a few minutes later, claiming that they'd abandoned her (or something as nonsenical) and that she was now forced to walk home all by herself. The only thing missing, really, was a melodramatic hand on forehead-gesture. Anyway, a friend of mine swallowed the bait and offered to walk her home. The look on her face... She was like
a junkie looking forward to a fix, or perhaps a six year old with a lollipop, relishing the sugar rush.

As far as I know she has caused three break-ups (guys who are now fan-club members, fawning at her feet). She has also managed to monopolize most her friends (of both genders). During my brief spell in the fan-club I actually remember thinking: "Gee, I'm neglecting my old friends, but this...this friendship is something completely different, deeper somehow". I can't remember who came up with the analogy, but the person who compared being with an HPD to being a member of a cult certainly hit the nail on the head.

This somehow leads me to my current problem. Roohead hit very close to home when he(?) wrote:

After a recent experience with a woman I suspect is HPD, I became a victim of a smear campaign. She went amongst mutual friends and aquaintances damaging my reputation and portraying herself as poor innocent victim almost wreaking my marriage in the process. The thing is, she was very convincing with her lies and the story she spun even decieving her own husband about her behaviour. Even if I wanted to ( which i don`t), it would be hard
defend myself against her accusations amongst all but a small circle that really know the full situation.. From what i can gather, it would seem that she even started laying the groundwork for her story long in advance whilst I was still her supplier making what she`s recently been saying seem even more credible to anyone that does`nt know any better.

I have the exact same impression. Even when I was in her fan-club, and tried to be friends with her, I still got the eerie impression that she was accusing me of weird things behind my back. But when I left the fan-club, having had enough of her coquettish lies and outrageous behaviour (in the end it was a question of whether everyone was crazy or whether she was the one with...issues) she went all out. I was withholding the supply I had so faithdully been given her, and in her book that probably made me "evil". I couldn't cut all contact since we're in a close-knit social circle, but I tried to distance myself, while at the same time remaining cordial. A week or two after I mafe my decision, however, I realized how friends started turning way. Luckily I don't think I have any predisposition for paranoia, but I just couldn't believe my eyes. I have no idea what the accusations are, it's all very Kafkaesque. But I suppose she's saying that I'm a terrible person (or something as vague) who "pushes" her, since that was the phrase she always used about the other guys in her fan club when she wanted some tea and sympathy from me.

This has been going on for a few months now. Luckily I have other social circles, but it's still incredibly exhausting. Everyone (except her; she's oblivious to all this) is feeling like crap, drained of self-confidence, without knowing why. I tried to warn a friend (and prominent fan-club member). I didn't really tell him anything concrete, just a very general warning not to overinterpret her signals. And bang. It was like telling Tom Cruise (for want of a better analogy) that maybe, just maybe, this scientology stuff isn't what it's cracked up to be. He accused me of being a liar and having designs on her, and what not. After that day, he's been trying to catch me telling fibs, probably reasoning something along the lines of: "Well, if he's lying about something, no matter how stupid or inconsequential,then maybe things will make sense.
Or maybe not. But here are some straws, let's clutch at them.".

So, having followed this board for a few months, I'm awed by your wisdom. Many of you seem to have the sobering perspective time gives, whereas I'm still in the midst of it all. I'm at at total loss here, I wish I could canalize my anger towards her,
but I can't do that. Her behaviour is pathological.

it seems that many of you have similar experiences. Any ideas on what course to take?

It feels like I'm between a rock and a hard place here. I've tried to warn friends, only to be accused of being a liar. But I can't run away, that would only give credence to her absurd lies. What it boils down to is... I've no idea what to do. I almost feel like Cassandra of Greek mythology fame, fated not to be believed. But I think I'll learn from her mistake and instead shut the [expletive] up.

Ataraxia there really isn't a whole lot you can do. You cannot control her behavior. She is absolutely TERRIFIED that you have her pegged and so she has drawn up this elaborate story(ies) about you. She is most likely painting you as some sort of emotional blackmailer/abuser

Remember she is quite skilled at manipulating and is an academy award winning actress in playing the victim. I can relate to what you say in reference to what she says to her friends about you. We both had mutual friends and I was shocked to hear some of the things she said about me. At first, I couldn't even believe them. Her stories were elaborate and she made real sure to deliver them with an emotional tug... one the unsuspecting person could relate too.

That is a key ingredient in how they 'hook' supply on unsuspecting people. They find out what you are emotionally invested in, and create a false kinship with that person around it. This in turn, makes the unsuspecting person believe that their is commonality with the HPD and that they are sincere. A false bond is formed and the HPD now has secured supply. The HPD is skilled atleat initially, in you not seeing her/his pathological horns.

Here is the good news...In time, most people will see the cracks in her stories and dramatizations. Not all but many in good time will come to realize what you already know. Focus on yourself and stay out of harm's way. Kudos to you for spotting this sooner rather than later. It gives me hope to spot this if it ever should come my way again...

MW

MyWave has given you some great advice. Focus on yourself and stay out of harm's way!

You could tell your friends that "she's not what she seems" and leave it at that. If they ask you to expound, don't.

They'll see her for what she is, given time. And if they don't, this means they're PDed as well.

Also, everything described (about the false bond/secured supply, etc.), my stbx did against me, and he is BPD. So, perhaps all PDs do this smear campaign thing.

Pf

MyWave and pinkflamingo, thanks for the advice!

It is frustrating to know that waiting is all I can do. Yes, her "friends" and fan club-members will eventually realize what's going on, but it's going to take time. Her ad-libbed explanations are often very plausible. But of course not entirely so; she's after all just trying to rationalize what she did on a whim, to secure supply. So, let's imagine that she's able to account for 95% of what happened, then the lingering 5 % will lead to feelings of self-doubt. The others will start to doubt their own perceptions (i.e. gaslighting). As I said, I fell for it myself, and if I hadn't witnessed the exact same thing happen before, I might have been none the wiser today. That's why I think it'll take time before her friends will start to see through her facade.

Of course, some are starting to doubt her. A friend of mine is desperate to know what's going on; he's always on the verge of bringing her up, but then falls silent. I've tried to learn my lesson (after warning another friend and being accused of lying) and so far managed to evade the topic. But it's difficult to watch him suffer. And also, by not defending myself from the accusations (whatever they are) it feels like I'm tacitly admitting them.

Oh well. I'm glad that there are more HPDs on this forum now. I honestly think that we can learn from each other. So, whether you've been victims of a smear campaigns or incited one, I'd like to hear more about it.

Ataraxia this is what I can tell you...

I lost ALOT by being in this relationship. I lost a wide circle of who I thought were friends. My lovely HPD made it a point to try and become better friends with my friends. On some of them that actually worked, and those are the ones now that see me as the mean guy who broke it off with the sweet and innocent HPD...

My real friends knew the score and have stayed with me. One thing about this experience, you will know who your true friends are...

Yah I could have fought her tooth and nail and yah I guess I could have thrown this all back in her face, but in reality I would just be playing her ugly game. In a way it is what she wants...she wants to villainize me and she would use that opportunity to gaslight and blameshift it all on me.... In the end who needs that?

The best defense is to cut all CONTACT. I am a ghost to her and her fanclub. Funny, cause since I have done that, I have noticed I am healing at a faster rate. Put the focus on you and her in your rearview. Plenty of healthy people out there to converse with, and if you wanna play games I recommend xbox

I may have lost alot, but I got MY LIFE back...that is good enough for me

be well

Hey,
i am new to this forum and just recently came across this disorder and my boyfriends ex has all the hallmarks.
i am worried.
I am worried because i know how manipulative these people can be and am aware of the nature of the relationship they once had.
From what i have gleaned from our conversations about her/them theirs was a stromy passionate and ultimately heartbreaking love affair, i have no doubt she was a legend in bed.
they were very much in love but the realtionship was wrought with suicide 'attempts', she claimed he had broken her ribs, attempts at SERIOUSLY damaging his reputation with really base claims, cheating, but yet they got back together time and time again.
At the start of my relationship with this guy she was obsessed. we would be lying in bed and his phone would be going off constantly, nonstop like. Then a few weeks later she told him she was emigrating to some far off country and he would never see her gain, this ended in a suicide threat the day before her departure. He was sad and forlorn at her impending departure but i reassured him that from what little i knew of her my guess is she will be back soon enough. And she was!
then one time we were out and she happened to be in the same place and he wanted to avoid her and if we did bump into her i was to play 'just a friend' so as not to make her 'turn odd'. HARRUMPH.

Now in the past few month all this turbulence has apparently ceased and she is over her 'rough period'. Now They text each other and sometimes talk on the phone and i am ######6 fretting. bigtime.

I love this guy very much and i am fearful as to where this is heading.
I know he loves me and he is a decent good guy but i am uneasy with this contact and worry that he will be manipulated by her beguiling ways.
i have approached him with my concerns but for other reasons (we are both extrememly reticent) we dont talk about it much and blah balh blarrrrghhhhhh.!!!

Deep down i want to scream 'get the ###$ away from her, dont you see?' but society dictates that i mustnt do that.


any advice?

Hey Cluedo,

I think you are very right to be critical of your boyfriend still being in touch with her. It is your basic right in a relationship to tell your partner how you are feeling about something. Mind you, it is also your partner's basic right to feel free about what to do with your remark (as a human - although as a respectful partner he will try to take your feelings in account, naturally).

Be extra careful because you might not be able to compete with her. And here I have to stress the following: NOT because you might be inadequate, but because they just don't play by the rules. They offer a fake and unrealistic picture. Your reality will NEVER measure up to their fantasy world. In the long run their world crumbles, of course, but your BF might not take this into consideration.

Lastly, where you say "I have no doubt she was a legend in bed", don't go overboard thinking this. In a relationship there is no substitute for what intelligent, sensitive and caring beings can do on a sexual level. Yes, histrionics can be pretty intense, but in my experience they start lacking in depth, variation, emotionality and other sexual aspects soon enough. If your BF is 'deep' enough he will know this. If he forgets, do not hesitate to remind him. One dimensional memories may be strong but often very oversimplified.

I second that. Maybe you need to tell him what HPD is. Just the mere fact that youre here tells me there is a problem. If he wont cut contact with her then maybe its time you cut contact with him !

donlimpio wrote:...
Lastly, where you say "I have no doubt she was a legend in bed", don't go overboard thinking this. In a relationship there is no substitute for what intelligent, sensitive and caring beings can do on a sexual level. Yes, histrionics can be pretty intense, but in my experience they start lacking in depth, variation, emotionality and other sexual aspects soon enough. If your BF is 'deep' enough he will know this. If he forgets, do not hesitate to remind him. One dimensional memories may be strong but often very oversimplified.

Don I think you make an excellent point here. Initially because of her open sexuality, I thought that sex would be forever exciting with her. As time passed I saw that she was limited in intimacy. Further, I started seeing how both her verbal and physical acts were more or less scripted to ensure supply. Once I started to see this thin veil, then it all slowly fell apart.

It is kinda like the wizard of OZ and Dorothy finally gets to see what is behind the curtain and is terribly disappointed

While I actually think she did enjoy sex, and I enjoyed her willingness to be so sexual, her reasons behind doing so was not so much out of love for me, but rather fear of abandonment and making sure I would not leave (supply). It was mainly fantasy for her while I had real attached feelings for her...

I don't want an actress for a mate. I want someone who is not shallow in their emotional investment. My HPD could only go so far here...

To whom it may concern,

I'm quite drunk at the moment, seeing double and entirely incapable of typing anything other than my own booze soaked, histrionic, emotional ramblings.

Anyone who does not possess the ability to tell a close friend that they are seriously effected by their PD (be it HPD or otherwise) does not deserve to be counted among their friends. The only word I have for people like this is coward. Yes, it would be fantastic if all HPD sufferers could realize their own personal problems but you can't expect someone with a pathological disorder to overcome their own defense mechanisms for seemingly no reason.

If I had friends/girlfriends who would have told me about the way I acted....................................things would be different. So here I am, at the edge of the world and I'm so desperate to feel something, that I keep falling into women and ######6 my way to the end of days.

But let this be a warning to you, while we may seem to be average human beings, if you let us follow our own self destructive paths you aren't allowed to be surprised when we take you down with us. And if you think it's going to be too hard to tell us that we are hurting people, just wait until you see how that plays out.

hystrio