How long does it take?

My son married a woman I believe to be HPD. From what I found out about her she makes the check list to a tee. I really hate it that my son married her, however, the worst part of it is the fact that my grandchildren are there much of the time with them. She takes care of them when he is at work. My son has a mild form of bi-polar and they seem to feed off of each other. I just want to get an idea as to how long this will last. Like what is the average time it takes to get to the point where it splits apart. I know this sounds terrible to say this but, I just hate this woman. I don't want my grandchildren to be influenced by her. It's bad enough that their father is refusing treatment for his problems. Then having to deal with her is worse! My son is so enthralled by her, at least that's what he makes us think, that we can't even talk to him about issues with the kids. He thinks everthing she says and does is right. She has no children of her own, so she is clueless in the child rearing department.
So, back to the subject here. What is the average time it takes to break apart. From what I've read it's not if, but when it will happen.

It depends....................


Does he provide a nice home etc.............

When she cheats will that be a dealbreaker.........


I think typically the HPd gets bored within the first 6 months to a year...........then things go downhill............

Dear RidingTheTide,

I hate to give breaking-up-a-relationship advice, but this seems like the time to make an exception. I got the impression that the 'downfall' started almost immediately after I started criticising her even lightly, and making demands (I'm talking about asking to get a 80-20 percent relationship to change into a
65-35 percent relationship - I'm talking about the balance of giving and taking here).

I don't know how the bi-polar thing fits in, but in my opinion it is possible to exert pressure on the relationship, even from the outside, AS LONG AS you don't drive your son closer to her and away from you. This pressure will translate into a need for both partners to make an effort if they want the relationship to survive. This pressure can manifest itself as e.g. the request to participate in family group activities (where she is not the center of attention and needs to actively integrate into another family), the request to help out other family members with menial tasks (where no status can be gained) etc..

In my humble opinion HPDs quit the relationship the moment they are asked to make an effort. At first it is not noticeable (they just start out a little distant), but in hindsight it's clear. They are in relationships ONLY for the easy and quick positive fix: attention, financial security, status, comfort etc. When the going gets rough they will try to look elsewhere for an easier and more singlesidedly rewarding fling.

Mostly my son is struggling as always. He has a hard time making the bills and we, his parents, have always had to help him. We don't help anymore because it didn't improve things for him. It made him more and more dependant on us and less reliable. It's tough love.

She doesn't like it because she can't spend money all the time. Several times lately they had money to buy a second car. He would tell the kids that he was going to get another car and it never happened. I can only assume that the money got spent. I know that she doesn't do well with money. When they lived here with us she kept making the checking account over drawn. And she would get angry because they didn't have money to go out all the time.

A semi-brief history....
She has been married three times in a seven year period and had a live in boyfriend for 2 of those years, so she says.

Two of the previous relationships have been abusive, so she says.

She had the previous boyfriend arrested for beating her, I've seen proof of that, just a few months before she met my son. She lied about it telling my son that she was living with her parents a year before she met him. The arrest record proves that to be a lie...it was only 4 months.

She admitted to having afairs and was sleeping around just to have a place to stay. Although, she says she's changed her ways.

She admits to being a selfish person. I've seen this many times especially concerning the children! Forget about what they may want, it's all about her!

She has made him think that she is so good at everthing and that he needs her to help him manage his life...in other words he can't live without her. She also uses guilt to make him stay with her by saying "If we break up I'll just go back to my old ways"
I can't figure this out because if she is so good at everything then why has she failed at so many relationships? And if she is truely a "changed person" then why would she ever go back to her old ways. I always thought my son was smarter than that!

She won't let him have anything to do with our family/friends. My son was out of town and she wouldn't call him to tell him his grandfather died. She does everything she can to make him stay away from us during holidays and family/friend gatherings. Sometimes she will fake an illness to accomplish this. My son's best friend has just given up on him...this is so sad!

Now my son doesn't talk to us anymore. She has figured out how to manipulate him...especially during those manic periods. She's like that tiny little devil on his shoulder whispering ugly things in his ear. She has convinced him we don't love him or care about him in any way. When his moods change she seems to use that to manipulate his thoughts and feelings about things. He gets pumped up so she supports that. Then when he's down she says things to bring him further down. This is what I mean by "feeding off of each other" When he's manic he strokes her ego because at that time everything is great. When he's depressed she fights with him, so there's always something exciting going on in the relationship. She loves all the attention good or bad because it puts her center stage. The rest of the family can see it too, so I know it's not just me.

His father and I don't argue with him. It just pushes them closer together. She has a tendancy to say things to try and start an argument, however, we won't give in to it because she uses it to fuel him. We are both trying to be as neutral as possible except when it comes to the children. We want what's best for them so we will always stand our ground on that issue!

We are hoping that the child custody case that is now in progress will fall in the favor of their mother. That way maybe we can force him to get help for himself if he wants to see the children. I hate to do it this way, but he can't see what's going on.

Also, thanks donlimpio and Wisernow for responding!

RidingTheTide wrote:
We are hoping that the child custody case that is now in progress will fall in the favor of their mother. That way maybe we can force him to get help for himself if he wants to see the children. I hate to do it this way, but he can't see what's going on.

I am truly sorry to hear that about the kids. Please forgive me to be too straightforward but the only thing that can play out in this case is custody that will be handed over to the mother. Your son will have to meet the point when he himself finds out that this relationship is unbearable and agonizing for him. Right now it is just about hoping that one day things will change around

Thank you, walking. No, you are not too straight forward. I do realize that the children come first. My hope is that my son will want his children bad enough that he sees the loss of them as a sign to seek help. Sometimes a person has to lose something important to see that they need help. If not, then all I can hope for is that my grandchildren will be safe and happy with their mom which I feel is the right thing. As far as his marriage goes, I don't think she will stay with him long if her track record stands true. She will lose interest and find someone else which will be another loss for him and more pain. I really love my son and I hope he can get through this, however, my husband and I will have to let him go it alone. He has already used and hurt us so much that we are in that self preservation mode. I know this sounds cruel but it's all we can do. Thanks for responding, walking.

You might even have a better chance of remaining in your grandchildren's lives by maintaining good relations with their mother!

If she sees that you, too, have the kids best interest at heart, and that you don't blindly side with your son against her, you could be another source of stability and love for them.

Thank you for the response, mindful. I do have a very good relationship with their mother which has been a great benefit. I have never blindly sided with my son so I think she knows after all this time that I won't change how I believe. If a person is wrong in what they are doing, then they are simply wrong. I can't and won't try and justify it because it's someone I love. I do, however, try and show them where they might correct their actions. Unfortunately, my son does not embrace someone pointing those things out! Especially from his parents.

Their mother was jerked around as a kid of divorced parents. She remembers how it made her feel. She won't keep the children from the people who love them, even their father. However, she wants to limit or to be present during visitation with him. If he can't "behave" then she will take further action to stop it all together. She is a kind young woman with much compassion. She tries to keep a delicate balance for the children so they don't suffer. I really admire her for that.

I have to say that your situation is almost exactly the same as my brother and his wife. She is definitely HPD and it's been 1 year now that she's not allowed my parents to see their kids or their son (my brother). My parents tried for a long time to do everything they could to keep harmony, but like you said, she would do things to pick fights it seemed. My parents were always good enough to borrow them money (and lots of it) when they needed it for trips and to pay the bills they couldn't pay. They would babysit constantly, etc. But if she felt my parents EVER overstepped their bounds, she'd flip. My parents finally had to say something (there is so much more to this story, as you all know when dealing with HPD's) but it was a minor incident that my sister-in-law blew way out of proportion and now to spite my parents, she won't allow any contact.

I know every situation is different, but if your DIL is anything like my SIL, I wouldn't push her. I think you are doing the right thing by being neutral and not giving her a reason to cut contact more than she has. My brother has gone from being a VERY strong willed person to being my SIL's puppet. He does whatever she says without question and it is so sad to see. He's nothing like he used to be. We used to think that he stayed with her because he was worried about their kids (she really only had the kids to have something to show off - another long story). But now it's like she knows exactly how to play/control him and I honestly think that they will stay together.....I guess we'll see.

RidingTheTide, I really feel for you and I hope that things work out!! At least you are able to still see your grandkids and there's the possibility that their mother may get custody - that would be the best case scenario at this point!! Stay positive