I think I may be HPD

Hello all, I thought as someone who may be sufferign from this disorder I would tell a little bit about my experiances . I have found there are many more victims on here than actual sufferers and hop to partially redress the balance.

I would say that my symptoms and the causes of HPD started very early on in life. My mother herself is manic depressive, and my father very emotionally distant and cold, although for many years he would splash out on expensive holidays that alienated me from my peers at school (I grew up in a rough council estate). My mother also used to beat me for many years, verbally abuse me and always stated my ugliness and dirtiness (a word she would use very often). I started smoking weed and taking ecstacy through her procuring the drugs for me, and so on.

In order to escape from her I turned to school and enrolled in every afterschool activity I could, including dance drama and singing and I also attended a theatre class every sataurday. I felt like acting covered up the unhappiness, gave me an outlet and being centre of attention for positive reasons was the only thing that made me happy at the time. I have achived not always the best marks I could becuase of my chaotic life but I have done well at University until the recent six months as I have been trying to focus on my mental wellbeing. My lecturers are aware of this and give their support.

I have been, at different times in my life, Methodist, Pagan, Mormon and a Nihilist. In reguards to organised religion I used the support network as a group of 'friends' who had to put up with me and encourage my neediness and victimisation as needing the Lords help. Now I am vaguely spiritural in that I meditate to gain calm but try not to read too much about it as I don't want to be delusional again.

In every relationship I have had, I have cheated and lied and thought that by giving them amazing sex that would make up for it. I have engaged in threesomes, same-gender sex and severe masochistic play in order to keep one particular man, including being spat on, slapped round the face and punched during sex. I have also got severe exhibitionistic tendancies, several times I have got drunk and taken all my clothes off ina house full of guys, and I have posted nude phtots of myself online even though most of the time I hate myself and how I look.

I have overdosed twice, once to try and keep the only man who has managed to have a real hold over me (he was a sadist and after finding out I had kissed my ex finished with me, I overdosed then ran out of the hospital, we have horrible vicious sex and then he got back with me) and the second time becuase my life was so out of control I needed people to help me and have sympathy... I am very emotionally weak and needy and depend on people. The sadist ex remarked when breaking up with me, 'why don' you have your own life? Why have you taken mine?'

I am still obsessed with him even though I have a loving boyfriend. The sadist now has a girlfriend who I am convinced is more beautiful than me and whereas this time last year I felt beautiful, now I barely eat and obsessively excercise in a bid to feel attractive. It doesn't work. I am incredibly vain and look in mirrors all the time.

I may post more later on, thanks for reading and let me know any hints or tips for overcoming these symptoms.

FTM, Welcome................

I'll write more later............

Hi, fair. I'm not sure that only 'hints and tips' are going to assist you in the way that you need assisting! 'Hints and tips' sounds like a gross understatement.

Your seeking of outside validation and approval is due to low self-esteem and internal self loathing. You don't know who you are, who you want to be, have no idea of how to listen to your inner self and are constantly trying to find love by acting out. In the end, you are destroying yourself, along with those that get involved with you. It's all very sad, for you and for those who love you and watch you sabotage your own life.

Thank you for sharing your side of the story.

The best 'hint and tip' if you wish to repair your life is to commit to see a professional therapist. One who will help you achieve some personal insight about yourself, put the shame and guilt of your past behind you, remove your self-blaming narrative and get you to acknowledge and accept responsibility for your current behaviour, while putting your unresolved issues from your past into perspective. It's your life, you choose.

Take care and try to look after yourself better.

[fairtomiddling/In every relationship I have had, I have cheated and lied and thought that by giving them amazing sex that would make up for it. I]

My ex hpd said something very similar to me when I told her that it was over. She thought I would stay mainly because she was doing her best to get my rocks off, as if it would justify all the lying, manipulation and cheating...

Trust is everything. True intimacy is dependent on this foundation

The irony was the sex became more and more transparent. With each encounter, I began to see more and more the chameleon behind the mask. It dawned on me that she really could not be intimate because nothing coming from her was authentic. Rather it was an act/fantasy. Yes it could be exciting, but it was also sadly fleeting, and this was because the intimacy would always remain surface level at best[/b]

I feel dismayed at the lack of support on this site.

I thought I had finally found somewhere to talk things through, when in fact reading through peoples posts on here have made me question whether I am evil or even human, which is not really the best!

If there are ANY HPD sufferers on here, I would love to hear your input.

Thank you for those who did reply.

x

Fairtomiddling,

Don't despair! There are at least a few of us out there interested in sharing experiences and trying to learn from them. This place is largely populated by people who were affected by HPD's and have come here to rant about it, but I can't really blame them. I wish they were more encouraging and less chastising...

Regardless, how are you doing lately? Are you still in that relationship but longing for your ex? I know how that feels...

I am still in alot of pain. It took me a long time to meet someone who combined being alluring, intelligent and manipulative as before I had always played safe and gone out with virgins or socially insecure people. I'm trying very hard to forget but it was only when he left me and I had to move out of our flat that my aloneness and inability to deal with life crept up on me. I read that you are successful... I hope to do the same. Finishing my degree is the most important thing now.

I just wish I didn't still have these lingering feelings of inadequacy and dejection from him... but in some ways I think I deserved it for my previous actions. It wouldn't surprise if he had serious problems too, aside from drinking and drugs etc.

How did you get over these feelings? Not using sex for control when you have HPD can be the hardest task of all!

Nice Hokusai by the way.

Fair,

Staying focused on finishing your degree is definitely the right move. It will help you get what I'll call "positive supply". Positive supply is justly earned and deserved, for example, graduating from college/university deserves praise and attention. Not to mention that it also puts you on the right track for the rest of your career. Positive supply is not what we get when we sink our claws into someone and twist until we get our way. That sort of supply is short lived and does damage to whomever we extract it from. You also never have to demand positive supply; it is only given when you have really earned it. It is not nearly as easy to get, but I have found that it is generally preferable to taking advantage of someone for personal satisfaction.

As we work towards more stable relationships, it is essential that you find more than one source of positive supply. This can range from extracurricular activities (you cited acting and sports, my two personal favorites) to having a successful career. Just because you were putting on a show while acting doesn’t mean that you were not receiving positive supply, people were complimenting you on your ability to make them believe, something we are quite adept at. Find something you are good at, besides seducing men and women, and run with it. Put some serious effort into becoming better at whatever it is you choose. As for me, I took a job where I knew that I would be able to exceed expectations and therefore I receive praise on a fairly regular basis. I also play intramural sports and RockBand (video game) where I am the band’s lead singer. Just having my friends cheering me on as I tear into “Enter Sandman” by Metallica can give you a huge positive ego boost. I know this may sound trivial compared to the level of attention you have received from your ex, but focus on alternatives first. Once you have found a few ways to enjoy yourself you will be much better equipped to find a real partner that will actually meet your new (hopefully lower) supply requirements.

I doubt people like you and me will ever feel fully satisfied, but it would be a huge mistake to assume that you can get all the attention you need from a single person and you know this to be true. However, take solace in the fact that receiving praise at work, on the field, on the stage, and with your significant other provides a pretty steady stream of positive supply that will put you on cloud 9 as long as you can maintain it. Once you have established a network of positive supply sources, you have taken the first giant step towards changing your lifestyle for the better.

To your question about sex, I would say you need to start dating guys that have the balls to stand up to you. Sure, every guy falls prey to that “come hither” look on occasion, but if you are using that as a method of control and your man is letting you do that, you need to find someone more assertive. In my experience, men and women HPD’s use sex in very different ways, so I’m not particularly familiar with the feelings associated with sex as control. However, I would imagine that someone with a little more will-power would be able to resist your advances and be honest with you about what you are doing.

I’ve still got a long way to go though. You’re not alone.

Hope this helps.

Oh, and thanks for the Hokusai compliment!

hystrio

I absolutely love Rockband and GuitarHero! I'm the only girl I know who can play expert on both, haha.

I didn't disappear down a hole, I've just been pretty busy recently. I took your advice and I've been running and cycling loads, and making contacts in the music events industry as I really want to persue this after University. I've also been meditating as I'm trying to lose the ego. Easier said than done, haha.

How are you doing anyway? Thanks for your advice so far, it has made a huge difference. You stopped me feeling evil.

x

fair,

Glad to have you back, and damn does it sound like we were made from the same mold! I've been hitting the gym a lot lately and I've been taking some time for "relaxation and introspective thought" as I figured it couldn't hurt to try something we are generally bad at.

I'm glad to see that you are entering the entertainment industry, I think it's going to help you in a positive way without making you sacrifice who you really are. I've actually booked a class to get my bar tending license so that I can work nights at my favorite local hangout. I've got plans to start a bar/club when I get enough experience and capital.

I actually just came back from an entire week in Las Vegas on business/pleasure and it was a blast. I actually felt like I belonged there but I'm pretty rooted in the North East for now. It was interesting to see everyone engaging in histrionic behavior but I guess it's the pathological part that gets us into trouble. I must say though, we closed down club Mist after they let us on stage to play Rockband for about 2 straight hours, and what a ######6 thrill! Anyway, I'll cut it off there.

I'm happy you've found my musings on our situation helpful.

hystrio