My father an HPD - strategies on how to interact with him?

hey guys, this is my first in these forums, so apologies if i do something wrong. My father was diagnosed about 2-3 years ago with HPD. His relationship with my mother has been fraught for the past 5+ years - mainly if she criticised him, he'd get really angry, tell her he didn''t love her, never did, she'd get really upset. She'd usually then go and appease him and tell him it's ok and then he'd be madly in love with her again.

He moved out of home about a week ago with no warning or anything. Turns out he's been taking the money my mum's been putting aside for groceries and saving it as his "nest egg" to leave the family and buying toys for himself.

While HPD explains his reactions, i don't expect to get any understanding per se from these forums, but i wouldn't mind any recommendations on how to deal with him. We've realised that just before he moved out he took a LOT of money out of my mum's bank accounts - he's really screwed us over financially. and naturally, my younger sister and i, as well as our mum, are really hurt not only at the financial stuff but his ability to pack and leave without even telling us he's leaving - my younger sister just came home to an empty house one day.

I was wondering whether you guys would recommend a strategy for dealing with him? i guess our main priorities at the moment are healing ourselves emotionally and then getting a good financial settlement.
He's left about 3 or 4 times before; we're not going to accept him back. he's had counselling for 3 years and it's time he starts taking responsibility for / feeling the consequences of his actions.

Would it be better to be semi-nice to him in phone calls etc so that he's more willing to give us money? or would it be better to say "dad, you're not having a relationship with us unless you give us a fair settlement?" from an HPD perspective, would he react badly to the ultimatum or would it make him strive for our acceptance/love if it means giving us money? or would it be better just to ignore him and let the lawyers deal with it? i struggle because i feel really really sorry for him - he swings from being an arsehole (to both my sister and me) to a really weak, hurt man who just can't stand his wife and wants to be part of his children's lives.

thanks in advance for any responses/advice.

NicolaSophie wrote:Would it be better to be semi-nice to him in phone calls etc so that he's more willing to give us money?

No.

NicolaSophie wrote:Would it be better to say "dad, you're not having a relationship with us unless you give us a fair settlement?"

Probably better, but will work if and only if everybody agrees to deal with him the same way. The more business-like the better, in my opinion.

NicolaSophie wrote:From an HPD perspective, would he react badly to the ultimatum or would it make him strive for our acceptance/love if it means giving us money?

I could see both happening, depending on what kind of person he is. It really depends on how much he loves you all as people as opposed to "attention sources".

NicolaSophie wrote:Would it be better just to ignore him and let the lawyers deal with it?

This is what I would personally do. I would cut contact with him completely, but it will really be effective only if everybody agrees to do the same.

NicolaSophie wrote:I struggle because i feel really really sorry for him - he swings from being an arsehole (to both my sister and me) to a really weak, hurt man who just can't stand his wife and wants to be part of his children's lives.

Do not fall for that trap, victimisation is part of the HPD defense mechanism. Don't forget that you said that he really screwed you over, which in my mind makes him an agressor, not a victim. My mother is HPD and she would have no problem screwing somebody completely to then claim victimhood, it's pretty much a core element of HPD. My view would be to deal with him as coldly and as businesslike as possible, and not fall for any sort of emotion as it really is what HPDs feed off from. I don't have any more problems with my mother now that I have decided to cut any form of emotional contact with her.

My deepest sympathies to both you guys. You both have had to explore what is healthiest for you , and sadly cutting off contact is probably at the top of the list

Glad you both found this place

MW