HPDs and ignoring them

To Bigangel,

Your example of "devaluing" does not fit the criteria for me. Below is a definition of the "Idealization - Devaluing" process. It is from the traits of Borderline Personality Disorder. I am in no way suggesting she has BPD, this is a clinical definition as opposed to a casual use definition.

Here is the link. http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx10.htm

I cut and pasted the definition below.

Unstable and intense relationships.
People with borderline personality disorder may idealize potential caregivers or lovers at the first or second meeting, demand to spend a lot of time together, and share the most intimate details early in a relationship. However, they may switch quickly from idealizing other people to devaluing them, feeling that the other person does not care enough, does not give enough, is not “there” enough. These individuals can empathize with and nurture other people, but only with the expectation that the other person will “be there” in return to meet their own needs on demand. These individuals are prone to sudden and dramatic shifts in their view of others, who may alternately be seen as beneficient supports or as cruelly punitive. Such shifts other reflect disillusionment with a caregiver whose nurturing qualities had been idealized or whose rejection or abandonment is expected.

As you know with HPD's once you stated you love them it is over. You lost your sizzle for them the chase is over. They will string you along, lead you on for NS only. Then it is on to the next, the next and so on. HPD's have no empathy at least BPD's can empathize. Also, BPD's are very clingy people, they want you to be there 24/7.

Definition of Word Salad.

Here is the link. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Word_salad ... _health%29.

I cut and pasted the first paragraph.

In the mental health field, schizophasia, commonly referred to as word salad (see "word salad" for other meanings), is used to describe the symptom of confused, and often repetitious, language that is symptomatic of various mental illnesses. It is usually associated with a manic presentation and other symptoms of serious mental illnesses, such as psychoses, including schizophrenia. It describes the apparently confused usage of words with no apparent meaning or relationship attached to them. In this context, it is considered to be a symptom of a formal thought disorder. In some cases schizophasia can be a sign of asymptomatic schizophrenia; e.g. the question "Why do people believe in God?" could elicit a response consisting of a series of words commonly associated with religion or prayer but strung together with no regard to language rules.

You quoted her, "All I want is for somebody to take care of me".
I heard that once myself she is currently on husband number 4.

Best of Luck,

Ohioguy

How can you ignore these people?
They don't seem to understand or accept when you have nothing to do with them.

I think she is primarily HPD. At first, I focused on BPD since that was the first literature I came across and there were some similarities to the criteria - maybe a small NPD overlap. But after looking at HPD traits, I'm fairly convinced she is HPD - maybe not classic but a number of striking similarities. I'll even entertain the notion that she has HP Style as opposed to HP Disorder (maybe that's me being overly optimistic and still holding out hope).

When we first started dating, I saw her as a people pleaser and was always worrying about loosing friends if she didn't stay in contact with them. In hind sight, I see it now as her maintaining her NS.

Often when I was reading the DSM-IV characteristics of HPD, I found myself saying "Yes! That's it!!". I was shocked that the DSM could articulate so well the uneasy suspicions I felt.

One thing that might be motivating her to keep me as a "friend" is that we run in the same circle of friends and I think she is deathly afraid of me snubbing her while in the presence of mutual friends. I'm well respected by my friends. I sense that she if concerned about anything that might expose her false self and blow her cover. I'm sticking to my guns (as previously stated in a letter to her), and I think it's driving her crazy. I don't think she counted on dealing with me sticking to "Plan A" and it's bugging her. I'm an honorable person and I expect others to treat me with respect. She doesn't grasp the concept of honor and can't figure out why one of the pieces on her board-game of life won't cooperate.