A brilliant disguise

I met my HPD probably at the worst time of my life. I was just coming off of a painful break-up and joined an online support group. Soon after joining this group I began to notice her more and more. She was persistent in trying to get my attention, and was quick to offer me a place 'to talk if I needed'. After a few weeks she told me I could call anytime.

She made a quick study of me and looked for anyway to fill the gaps within my life. She would ask endless questions about me pretending to care. What she actually was doing was using the info I gacve her to present herself as my future perfect 'soulmate'. She began pressing her agenda and told me she was in love with me and that I was the knight she had been waiting for all these years

In addition to her HPD (which I didn't realize until the end), she was also a sexual addict. She would press for phone sex as much as she could, to the point of concern from me. She knew that I worked in the social service field and had knowledge of this so she abruptly admitted that she may have a sex addiction, but that she was seeing a therapist. This was just ONE of her many chronic and continual lies...

She continually was pushing for marriage even though we never physically met. She was always pushing me to move out there (2000 miles away) and be with her and her 2 special needs kids. I soon visited and we seemed to hit it off nicely. However, I did notice an abnormal preoccupation with sex and appearance, but she assured me it was under control and she dressed provocatively to 'please me'

She tried to find out all the info of my friends and family, and what I found strange was she tried to win them over anyway she could. She increasingly wanted more of my time and would do ANYTHING to get it. She would try seduction and if that didn't work, she would claim fainting spells, possible cancer, pregnancy scares, and/or suicidal gestures. She was an expert at rationalizing, justifying, and manipulation. She was masterful at turning one of her issues, and the resons behind it, on account that I haven't moved to where she is and marry her ect...

I eventually decided to try and make the move. Despite the red flags I was falling in love with her. She was always there and always avaliable. I began to believe that maybe her problems were in fact caused by me not being there with her. She assured me that I was her 'One' and her love for me was always and forever. My friends both from the online board as well as my local friends were concerned as they viewed her as increasingly unstable. She apparently had slept with a few men from online and contended she was at one time pregnant by one. I convinced myself that her erratic behavior would calm once I got there. Wow, what a serious fool I am...

I lasted about 6 weeks with her before I had to leave. She was obsessed with me. Sexually she would not stop and even would try and arouse me in my sleep. She would not take no for an answer. If it wasn't sex, she would try and get me to consider marriage and look for houses to move too. She was relentless and I could feel my energy just draining away...

I noticed she had no friends locally. She only had online friends. She also had major discord with most of her family and was labled a obsessive crazy one by her own aunt. Also, she never paid much attention to her kids and she would leave the bills, clothes, and dishes in piles. This despite the fact that she didn't work. I also caught her a few times surfing internet porn. The rare times we did go out, she had to be the center of attention, and put us in many at-risk situations with virtual strangers.

I also noticed that she had more pain pills than Elvis, She had snowed several doctors regarding her chronic somatic complaints and she was always on some sort of pain pill

The night I told her that I think it is best that I leave, she pretended to faint. This frightened her little girl to no end and all the hospital would say is she may have a concussion, but they had no substantial proof. My instincts told me to run and so I did. She told me she was suicidal and would kill herself unless I returned...

I kept a no contact that lasted a week. In that time she left hundereds of messages. One night she had her friend call me and told me I had to call her for it was an emergency. I called and she told me she was pregnant (later I found to be a complete lie). I told her I was concerned about her promiscuis ways and would want a DNA test. She Exploded on me and told me all her problems were of my doing and everything was my fault. Two days later she calls and tells me no worries as the prgnancy was a 'false' alarm...

She assured me she was getting counseling and that she was doing better. Her plan now was for me to get married to her there, and then for her and the kids to move out to where I live. She said she had grown very frustrated by me not trusting her. She was mad at me for not agreeing to be married sooner. She wanted to spend hours with me on the phone, constantly trying to manipulate her agenda and/or phone sex...

I just knew something wasn't quite right with her or her stories. I decided to hire a PI to find out more about my suspiscions. I figured that I should make sure about her before she moves in with my and marriage...

Well it didn't take long before the PI discovered that she had at least 2 other local relationships going, that she was an active member of adult friend finders, and that she was also on 2 dating sites. Also, she was busily trying to seduce a neighbor who she once described as a patheric loser. The PI also told me she had made up a fictitous name for her counselor and that she was seeing nobody for much needed therapy.

I confronted her with this and at first she was in denial. When the eveidence was mounting she went into her lil girl mode and said she was sorry. She begged me not to dump her. A week later I caught her trying to contact one of her lovers and told her goodbye....

Since then she has tried to smear me with my online group. She has tried to paint me as an amotional abuser and a control freak. Luckily, the only people that buy her story is the small fan club of guys who just want to sleep with her, However, she is constantly trying to spread lies that she was a victim of abuse and how it was all my fault we broke up. She even claims it was her that broke it off lol...

It has been 6 months since I have spoken with her. Physically I feel 1000 times better. I was so drained by her, she was so clingy and just emotionally draining. At times I still miss her and at times I still feel pain from the whole thing. Funny how I can still care about her even though she has pretty much tried to destroy me...

It is a hard thing to swallow knowing I was nothing more than an object and a source of supply. I always knew something wasn't quite right with her and I am SO GLAD I listened to my intuition enough not to marry her. She always had this darkness around her that was just so toxic. She has that classic hpd stare as well as that hollow look, like nothing was there. All part of her brilliant disguise...and it works until you try and get to know her...

Thank god I am healing, but it is gonna take awhile longer before I fully heal. I am sure she would have been the death of me had I stayed. How I can still love her is beyond reason. I just didn't recognize her disguise until after I fell for her

What a nightmare these last 3 years have been...

I probably should put her signs and symptoms for additional infor

* Stormy past and present relationships, Strained family discord and no local friends. online fan club (mainly males)

*Excessive attention seeking behavior. Will literally do anything for external validation and attention

*Manipulating, vain , and demanding. Excellent at blameshifting and gaslighting. Can make me feel like all her misery is my fault

*inappropriate seductiveness and obsessed with physical appearance. Overtly sexual/ at risk behaviors. Impulsive

*chronic somatic complaints...med seeking

*extremely dependent on others

*no self identity...a chameleon

*will result to coercion, assaultive behavior, and suicidal gestures to avoid rejection

*chronic cheater

*pathological liar

how about adding... "crummy mother". I really feel for her poor kids.
We adults make our own mistakes and hopefully learn. But her kids are innocents she's dragged into her chaotic lifestyle. Wish some healthy family member would fight to take those kids away from her.

Thank you Lifesong for your response. Yes I am concerned about her two children, especially her daughter. She is already showing signs of maladaptive behavior. Just watching her own mother barricade herself in her room so she can look at porn while her daughter cries for attention still disturbs me...

I wish I could say her extended family is willing to step in but most don't wanna have much to do with her. In fact, she was not invited to her families christmas party. I thought that was a bit harsh, but now after being stung by her, maybe they were just trying to protect themselves?

It has been 6 months since no contact and I can just now talk about all of this. One of the most painful experiences of my life.

I think the hardest part of this was that she had emeshed herself so much into my life and then it was over. Amazes me just how much time and space they take up. I didn't realize the magnitude of this until after we parted...

I still ask myself was it all an act? Did she really only view me as an object and just a source of supply? She was always so deftly afraid of me leaving, but I think the real source of fear is putting the pieces together and discovering her whole other secret life. When I did it was unbearable for her to look at herself

I doubt she ever will.

Thank you for allowing me to ramble. I have held all of this in for so long it feels like it is just pouring out.

Ramble on... ramble on... I think it's important to let it all out in order to go on, mywave.

I've not been involved with a histrionic person although my mother (diagnosed NPD) had histrionic features for sure. Regardless, the cluster b's are all crazy-makers for others so I can relate with you. Although for me, the craziness has lasted my entire life and not just a few years.

It is jarring to realize that you were more of an object to her than a person, isn't it? Her panic at being left alone had little to do with you personally (sorry, but it is true - she'd have felt the same way about anyone else she'd attached herself to)... it had more to do with her fear of being left on her own. Being alone is anathema to a histrionic and paramount to dying on some level. Because "no one is home", she feels ultimately alone even with herself.

So sorry for you. Keep talking. It does the heart good!

With affection,
Lifesong

Thank kyou lifesong...I really appreciate you taking the time

You see my friends and family really only understand so much. All they can tell me is that they are happy that I am not with her. While I understand and even agree with them, what they don't get is how crushing it all feels...

My feelings were real. The things I said were true. It is so ironic cause I resisted her attempts for so long because I knew I wasn't ready. How sad to realize now because of her PD, she never ever will be ready

How can god be so cruel to them and to those who love them?

Knowing the full truth about her in one sense is relief. It helps to explain all the craziness, the lies, and exhausting drama that she could produce. However, now I realize there never can be another reconciliation. She will always be the same and at best it will be a one sided affair that would ultimately cause me great pain...again

I know life is not fair, but this whole experience with her blows my mind. It was a mirage all along, yet in brief intesnse moments it felt so real.

Yanno she often would say she would give anything to be 'normal'. I really believed her when she said that, but even she knew it was hopeless. She admitted right before we ended it that she always finds a way to destroy all that she cares about. yet in the same breath says we will make a great old couple... I know she is hurting with her symptoms, and for me it feels like a hive of bees just stung my heart...

I am at a point where I feel like I just broke free from a cult church or a warzone. I am in a state of PTSD, and I am forever changed...

I loved the fantasy that she presented, but I sure don't like the reality of her...ouch

Looking at it now, I think the thing that disturbs me the most was the outright lying. The pathological process and how she could just say it with a straight face

The coldness in her eyes when she lied is something I won't soon forget...

Lying about being able to control her sex drive

Lying about her desire to come here to live with me

Lying about her supposed cancer

Lying about being pregnant

Lying about having a 'sudden' miscarriage

Lying about being psychic and saying my dead grandmother wished us together

I hate her disorder I really do. I love her but I sure as hell don't like her

MW

MyWave wrote:What a nightmare these last 3 years have been...

And what a nightmare the lives of her 2 kids are! Look at how you reacted to knowing her for only 3 years, they've known her their whole lives!

Someone has got to step in and help those kids. A phone call to the Child Protective Services is all it takes. Even if they don't do anything with your call, perhaps someone else will call and then some action will be taken.

As much as I recognise the harrowing deal you've had I implore you to look at it from the children's view. They are innocent victims here.

You have a lot to be reporting. Pornography, suicide attempts, neglect, men coming and going for sex, general instability of her lifestyle.

On the topic of men visiting for sex, it's not a far step for someone to think this woman comes as a package with 2 underage kids in the deal and while the mother is sleeping, it's only a few footsteps to the bedrooms of unprotected sleeping babes.

The relatives of this woman should be horsewhipped for not doing or saying anything. I hope you do.

All the best.

Shivers I took your suggestion and informed a mutual friend in her city about all I have seen. This friend is also concerned and will notify the local cps... I will now leave it in professional hands...

I miss her kids, and I know they miss me as well. It makes all of this harder knowing I can no longer be around to help shape them. Like I have stated before, I worry about her daughter the most because I already see her exhibiting many of the same behaviors...

People on here describe HPD's as childlike in the 5-9 year age range. It concerns me because her daughter is now close to 11 and is suddenly having serious learning disability issues at her school. Could this at all be realted to an early forming/HPD mindset and it's limitations?

I guess I will never know. We have ceased all communications and I cannot allow her back in my life. On our last reconciliation I ended up in the hospital with a bad infection. The doc told me it was most likely due to chronic stress and asked me what was going on in my life ect... now I realize it was this crazy relationship!

Live and learn

Mywave,

Thanks for posting your story. It is always enlightening and helpful to read what others have been through.

I had a friend who is HPD. I remember how devastated I was when, years ago, our mutual friend told me that we had projected our fantasies onto the HPD. We idealized him. In reality, he was a user. He still is. I never hear from him except when he needs something. I'm on his stand-by list (or was).

Breaking ties is painful, but necessary, for growth and healing. There's nothing that can be done for anyone who doesn't recognize his own flaws and decides not to seek help. HPDs usually believe the problem lies with everyone but themselves, so they don't have "a problem" to solve.

What was interesting about him was as he grew older, he lost his looks. Before, he had always prided himself on being good looking. He was but only when he meticulously maintained his appearance. He hates growing older worse than anything. It is ironic how so many people comment that he's already well past his prime. That's his worst nightmare and it's already come true.

I still miss the drama, not him so much. But he always had some crisis or something completely insane going on with his life. Now I realize it was just a distraction from my own concerns. I could give to him, but he gave me nothing in return. I doubt I even cross his mind. He cannot emotionally connect the way most people do.

Thanks for sharing. It'll take a while. But hang in there. What doesn't kill us can only make us stronger. That's how I feel about. At least next time an HPD comes my way I'll be prepared and keep my heart under lock and key.