Very Unhappy

Hello there and thanks for taking the time to read this. After reading several of the other threads, I almost feel guilty taking up space as my problems seem to be so small in comparison to some of the others posted here.

I have been having a big problem with feelings of "jealousy" and needing to be the center of attention. After doing some research on the internet, I found some sites on HPD and have concluded that this is exactly what I am dealing with, with some slight differences.

I dont feel the need to lie to anyone or latch onto people. I dont over-exaggerate or physically hurt myself to get attention either. I am just simply needing more attention than I get. My husband of 18 years doesnt understand this and chalks most of it up to being "childish" or "jealous".

Situations where I feel the most comfortable and the best? When I am the only woman in the company of men....young men preferably, who find me attractive and who let me know it in one way or another. There are no other women around (not even in magazines or movies) to take the attention away.

Situations where I feel the most uncomfortable? When my hubby and/or friends are gawking at some girl...whether she's walking down the street, or in a magazine or on tv.....I feel invisible and it scares me to the point that the "fight or flight" syndrome takes effect. I usually end up leaving the room.

Im tired of people looking at me like Im some crazy, jealous *b*....Im not and if I could change the way that I feel, then I would gladly do that. I have no problem sharing the spotlight with someone (sharing, being the key word) or even giving it up to someone who is NOT attractive. I base the way I feel, totally on my looks. When I get a pimple or its "that time of the month"....I feel like crap. When I look good and am having a good hair day....I want to go to a local bar and celebrate.....welcoming all the appreciative glances that come my way.

The reasons I have felt the need to actively seek some help are the following:

1- This is really having a negative effect on my marriage. If hubby and I go out and he starts to talk to another woman, I want to punch her lights out (although I dont) and he gets angry when he sees me getting jealous.
2- My friends (mostly 19 yr old males) are starting to avoid coming around when I am home and I think a lot of it has to do with the way I behave around other women.
3- I have a 7 yr old daughter and want to do my very best to prevent her from being like this. This is no way to live and I dont wish it on anyone.

My ultimate goals?

-/to be able to look at another woman and admit that she is hot...without having all the negative feelings that are associated with it.
-/to not have my moods change with my looks.
-/to be satisfied spending saturday night at home with my hubby and kids without feeling the need to slash my own throat because Im so bored.....
-/to be able to get through a typical get-together with my friends...without entertaining the thought of sleeping with each of them at the end of the night.
-/to be happy with my life.

I am not happy and have been unhappy for as long as I can remember. I feel empty and have trouble relating to anyone about nearly anything (unless its sexually related). I think I am now slipping into a depression and often cry for apparently no reason and have started entertaining thoughts of either running away or suicide.

I dont know what to do and I could really use some help. Therapy is out of the question as my present financial situation won't allow it.

Hi,

You're doing great in one way, you've realized there is a problem. I'm not going to try to talk you out of HPD or into another disorder but I will say, you can't Dx yourself and there's not enough infomration here.

Seeing the problem is a huge step. You do sound depressed and you can get your doctor to help with that, anti depressents will help with that but yes, you do sound like you have underlying causes. Step one though is to feel better.

If you have the money to go out and party on the weekends, you have the money for therapy. That's not what is stopping you. I don't have the money to go out and party, I went to my therapist today, the one I've been seeing for two years and I didn't have the money either. Or so I thought. There was no hope for me getting better without therapy.

You think you have a personality disorder. There are only about 9 of those. They are amoung the hardest of disorders to treat as they don't respond well to medication. The reason is they are the basic personality of the person. If you have an personality disorder that is the pervasive part of you. I have two of them. That doesn't mean you can't get better, I have but it doesn't come easy and it's not something anyone else can do for you.

You have 19 year old male friends? They don't come around because of other women with them? Hey I think 19 year old women are pretty darn sexy. I'm not knocking you for it, but most of your friends being that young MIGHT imply a control thing with you or it might imply you are afraid of getting old.

I'd be willing to bet you have very poor self esteem on who you are. You apologized for thinking your problem was not worthy. I remember those feelings. Your problem is huge, you just don't see it as you are living it. It's what you know.

You like the high life? How can anyone fault you for that. Sounds like fun. But yea, the staying home part making you feel so badly is just not good. Sounds a lot like my x wife. She was borderline. She wasn't a cutter. Not all borderlines are. Well she might have been a cutter but I never new it or her.

I'll listen to you if you need to vent or just talk but you need therapy. You might be able to get better without one but you'd be 1 in a million. There are so many subconscious pains that rule us that I'm amazed how often we all fool ourselves.

I use to be famous for rescuing others. The white horse syndrome. I always thought it was a noble thing, something good. But my motivation for it was to make me feel better about me. I rarely lie, I use to think that was an indications of my higher morals than most. Naww, I'm paranoid when I lie it drives me nuts. I worry that I'll get caught, I'd rather than just admit what I did and get he pain from that over with. Therapy has helped me to see so many things like that. She didn't tell me these things, she just led me down the path and I saw them.

You might be able to obtain it for free. I'm not 19 and I'm certainly nothing to look at and if I wasn't married I sure would like to have a sexy woman with and screen name of sweetcandi. Very flirtatous. I like it.

In fact, my marriage is coming to an end and two years ago I would have responded totally differently. I would have pursued you. I did that with a lot of women during the years. A couple of them would say, I was just playing "but you don't play." No I don't. I make things happen. Weakness was my key to a woman that might accept me. I didn't realize it. My heart would poor out to her, that's what I'd feel. But now I think it was mostly just my own loneliness and the hope that this is a woman that I might have a chance with. It worked twice but one should be careful of what they ask for.

My first wife was just evil. My second wife has a wonderful heart but she's just destroying me. I hate to leave her high and dry but I can't take it any more. She's sucking all the energy out of me.

I really do hope you find peace. I don't think you're a bad person in ANY way at all. I think you've got some self-esteem issues like nearly every other person with a mental disorder that is not organic in nature.

I hope you come back often.

Dear Sweetcandi,
I'm female and (it's 3:31 am so I'm possible bipolar) can relate very much to the hysterical personality. Most people that have HPD lack the perception to realize it. I get jealous also and feel most comfortable in the presence of men. God just made us catty because we are more intelligent than men. If we could gain the capacity to overcome it.... well, we just might unite and take over the world. Then, we would unite the nations and enjoy a blissful existence. Then there would be no stress. Nobody would get out of bed. Life would be just one big party and there would be no depression. We must keep men around to deplete our serotonin. You are in no way bad. It is easy to fall in to feeling like life is a compeition when your self worth gets to sub below. My little girl is probably going to mature into a personality similar to what you describe. I took her to vacation Bible school where HELP ME they marched the kids INTO the choir loft for the sermon. She is given to severe meltdowns and unpredictable behavior. A couple kids play the flute and everyone applauds. What does she do? She stands up from the back and blows kisses. She HAS to be the center of attention. If she is not, well, heck- she just invents a world where she is. I watch her playing (trying to) with the other kids at her school. They'll try to play with her and at ANY hint of competition (or what she percieves as) she'll whap them in the face or go off and do her own thing. THe little boys however... I am really just trying to make you smile. Depression is chemical- there is medication. I did not intend to make this a post about myself.... but it is part of my histrionic handicap. I would go over to the borderline message board.. but I don't want anybody picking on my head.... You aren't needy so you are ahead of the game. Go out there and get the help you need. You go lady! JG

Hi there and thanks to you both. Lonelystranger, please check your pm's.

Thanks for the advise and motivation JG. Some of what you said made a lot of sense. Good luck to you with your own problems and also good luck with your daughter.

God just made us catty because we are more intelligent than

men.

ROFL = rolling on the floor lauhing.... with you.

And here I thought it was because women are so dang territorial.
And what's his is ours and what's mine is mine.

Funny

Lol...one of my favorites lines from a movie...the original Jurassic Park....if I remember it correctly:

God creates man
Man creates dinosaur
Dinosaur EATS man....
And women rule the earth.

Really I don't remember that line at all, but that should't be any surprise. I don't remember much of anything.

Just when I thought things were getting better, something happens to make it worse...

I wonder sometimes if I can ever live a peaceful existence....but thats my problem and not yours.

I will be back when I have some free time....

sweetcandi

Sorry, I notice you were missing, being paranoid and having a nack for upsettin people, I was afraid I'd done something wrong.

I hope you are okay.

I don't know if this is related to the things you have going on here or not and I know you are low on money, but things are going to get a lot better after you start therapy. If you are correct and you have a personality disorder, you will lkely destroy your life if you don' get treatment for it oryou will do your life more damage than all the money in the world is worth. I know of what I speak but then guess how I know. I didn't think I could afford it. So I can't judge you, only stay on your case. Hurr back.

Of course you havent done anything wrong. I sent you an email telling you that I accidentally deleted the last email you sent (with your comments) and asked if you had kept a copy and if you did, if you could send it to me again. I haven't yet had the time (I am presently working 6 nights a week) or the privacy (hubby's course is running from 4-10 pm this week again) to sit down and write a reply yet.

The present crisis has nothing to do with my personality disorder (if that is what it is). I did something stupid at work not long after I first started there and there is a girl there that wants me out (for personal reasons) who told my supervisor and now I am put in a very uncomfortable position in which my job is at stake unless I testify against someone else. I am feeding my 3 kids and helping to pay the bills with this job and I can NOT afford to lose it so even though I really hate to do it, I don't really have a choice in the matter. I am also afraid of what is going to happen afterwards...afraid of my own safety and afraid of how people will treat me if word gets out. I am having trouble eating and sleeping and my nerves are shot.

This is happening, JUST after things have settled with my Dad. Since my Mom died last January, he has been unbearable and it got to the point where I had to stop calling him, because I was getting too depressed. Every phone conversation or email ended with me crying (at the end, he was threatening suicide). He has finally realized that he was in a slump and is trying to look at the brighter side of life and even apologized for the hell he put me through...and that was SUCH a relief. Of course, that was the day before all the trouble started at work.

I'm sorry if my posts all seem so depressing, but I know that if anyone will understand some of the things I am going through, you will.

Sometimes, it just seems to never stop. One crisis is over and then another begins and I wonder if/when it will all end. I am beginning to forget what it feels like to laugh and have fun. My life used to be FULL of fun and now, its like these dark clouds have settled in and I just want them gone.

Ok...enough of my babbling.....how are you doing lately?