Feeling Bad about Walking Away from HPD

ccumm36D,
I didn't mean to say "email" I am just tired after a 65 hr work week. Sorry.

I know what you are saying. You quote Rocky VI at the end of your messages and I am like Rocky in Rocky III when he got beat by Clubber Lang. It's like, "What just happened??!"

You are right and I don't disagree. That's why I am on this board.

I sense your frustration with me, that I am stupidly holding onto the good about this person.

Perhaps you've been there and done that and it is annoying to see someone behave as foolishly as me.

This I can understand.

Here is what I know and correct me please if I am wrong:

All I can take from her, is this: It's all about her, her world, her rules.

Reality, reciprocity, respect are things that don't apply to those people. "Friends" are those who "serve" her and accept nothing in return.

This is what she said repeatedly She wanted to keep in touch, but couldn't do anything for me. She couldn't be the friend I either "deserved" "demanded'' or "expected"

If someone wants to do things for her, great, but don't expect anything in return. Gratitude, friendship are things that are all unknown to these sorts of people.

It is never their fault, it's always someone else. They live in a world of smoke and mirrors, where they are the tragic hero/heroine that is always getting screwed over by the world. Their life is a fantasy to show people how with it they are, how successful they are, etc.

The smoke and mirrors just exist to serve their constant denial of who they are. They'd twist the truth so much that they believe the crap they are spewing. They are emotional vampires, seeking to leech off of those because they are too lazy or incompetent to do anything for themselves.

Does this sound right so far?

You are telling me I have better things to do and feel no remorse? I think you are probably right.

This girl is a mess and as much as I hate to say it she is the "dog" you refer to.

It is just sad that's all I am saying. Part of my reaction is surprise, part of it is hurt, and part of it is "I can't believe there are people like this"

In her case, I just wonder what will become of her. She will soon have two kids, and I feel like her kids are doomed from the start. Her husband is probably someone she deserves, a NPD from all accounts. So it's no surprise he treats her badly.

Call me sheltered in this aspect. I just have never seen anything like that before.

I grew up in reality, where my dad fought a losing battle with cancer and my mother battled unsuccessfully with mental illness. We lived life according to the doctor's reports every two months.
I grew up in constant fear of failing my father's high expectations, in fear that he would die and we would be on the street. Failure was not an option, and am proud to say I never ever failed him or anyone.

Despite all those things, I made it to top schools and made something of myself. Dad died two months ago and I manage it, without complaints, and without anyone's help.I don't cry to anyone about how I had to pull the plug on him, hold his hand as he died and cremate him all on my own. I don't complain that there is no one to help and I don't complain there are people who are trying to steal his money and hurt my mother.

I offered to resign from my company when he died and return every cent they paid me. They refused to accept it, so I work my damned hardest to meet their expectations despite all the responsibility and exhaustion I feel. They gave me a fairly critical first project review. I didn't argue, I didn't use my dad as an excuse I accepted it and will do my best to improve.

I accept it all. I was born into this, and my dad trusted me with everything. My company wants me around, so I work as hard as I can. It's a role I accept without any regret and I am proud I can do these things.

I guess in my HPD "friend's" case I don't get why she can't do the things I can. Yes, I feel responsible, even though as you say, it's not my fight, not my problem.

I know you are right. It makes me very sad what will become of her and her children. She may not be innocent, but her children surely are.

Thanks for your post and I am sorry if I am sounding dumb! It is just new that's all.

-Sam

SS,

I only pointed out that I sent no email so others who read this will be clear that we are not corresponding privately and for no other reason. You need not apologize and for that reason I won't accept it.

Let me make clear... I am not frustrated with you. I am trying to take a firm tone so as to emphasize my words. I have been where you are and I understand completely. Like you say later in your post...

"...I don't get why she can't do the things I can...".

I have pondered this as well in my life. You're good at accepting so far so accept that it just is. Why doesn't matter.

I'm sorry for the loss of your father. I lost my mother much the same way and dealt with the theives that come out of the woodwork at such times.

You will do well. Follow your heart and your convictions as you have in the past and they will serve you well. It'll be alright.

Focus now on yourself and your needs... and by needs I don't mean the need to please and shelter and help others!

Lastly work on dropping the self-depricating attitude. The world will try to belittle you enough, you don't need to help it along.

Me and Rock go back a long ways

It's okay to feel good about yourself and the things you do... It won't make you a narrcissist.

ccumm36D,
Thank you for your insight. It is very valuable.

I think I am just at the state of feeling sad: Sad that she is truly a lost cause, sad that I befriended someone who ended up being so messed up, and quite sad that her kids will pay the price for her antics.

I just wonder:What becomes of such people? It cannot be a good end. To borrow your adopted mongrel analogy, don't such dogs just end up dying alone and painfully?

As I learned more and more, I came to the same conclusions all of you here have: That it was a bad use of my time and probably a lost cause. I felt I had learned enough about her and the circumstances in her past that I didn't need to ride the Drama train any longer. I think the Why was obvious based on all the things she confided in me.

Of course those things also served to make me feel sorry for her, and you are all reading about the guilt and sadness I feel.

The problem I ran into is that I needed a way out of the mess befor e it took me down with it. So I took the first opportunity I could to capitalize on yet another broken promise she made, and walked out and blocked my email. I just felt I needed to focus on my dad, not even knowing it was his final two months. I think it was the right decision.

I know I shouldn't feel any remorse, because she is only interested in herself. It's just not something I've ever had to do before.

One thing I noticed about the HPD's. They cannot accept any criticism. They are quick to dish it out, but they can't take it.
To borrow again from Rocky, at least Apollo Creed punched as well as he trash talked.

It's so funny, that she has to twist all the facts to make me the villain, but all I have to do is tell her the truth about herself and she goes absolutely bonkers.

She is STILL smarting over the fact I called her selfish and that she was a user who just wanted to take the easy way out in life.

I don't know if all HPD's are like this, but they love to say things that will get under their "supply's" skin. She loved winding me up and getting me all angry. The funny part is that all I had to do was respond with the truth about herself and she would get even more upset.

God, I don't even know what to say. Part of me is still in disbelief that people are actually like this. I perhaps naively thought that everyone in life has a chance to redeem themselves, make a fresh start, and make something of themselves.

I guess that isn't true for her. I just can't help feeling bad for her kids.

Thanks for all your insight!
Sam

ssr,

I married an HPD much like yours 30 years ago. She found another guy in 1 week! and another in 8 weeks.

She has had 4 "husbands" and probably
200 "boyfriends". She has spent her entire life "partying". she has never had a decent job although she did eventually finish college.

She is still a lot of "fun" to a stranger. She's like a cross between
a polyanna and a hooker!.......although she's reqlly neither.......she's just a 6 year old girl in a 50 year old body......

Wisernow,
Wow! 4 husbands and 200 boyfriends? That is insane.

I don't know what is wrong with me, but I feel guilty. This woman has done a great job of making me feel bad for her. My women friends often get mad at me for being so naive when it comes to HPD or manipulative type women. I just shake my head at how I got roped in her drama.

Listening to all of you makes me feel I am right not to talk to her anymore. I just feel guilty. Very guilty. It's how I feel even though I Know differently.

Is feeling guilty part of the healing process when you get away from an HPD type person? And how does one manage the guilt? Is it something I should push away or just something I learn to live with?

Thank you so much for all of your help.

ssR,

You must have a bit of the KISA syndrome.......(knight in shining armour). Or you are co-dependant..........

Have you seen the old movie with goldie Hawn where she's a litttle HPD and this blind musician falls madly in love with her......well rent it watch it, over and over..........the movie is called
"Butterflies Are Free"..........

I know you're not "in love" with her........but you're hooked in a
dysfunctional big-brother relationship or something.........

Anyway chek out this movie.........it should help.........

wisernow,
You are right. I am locked in this Mentor type role where I feel I have failed my student. I spent a lot of my spare time mentoring kids and straightening them out. People in my community routinely ask me to talk a kid and stuff like that. I guess this is the first time I've failed at it.

I need to convince myself I am not responsible for her welfare, she is. People tend to think I owe them because I "made it" out my own mess. I don't know if that has gotten in my head.

Actually, I normally stay far away from members of the opposite sex. This is the last thing I would ever want to do. I know better to take on other's drama when I have enough to do as it is.

I will need to train myself out of it. I am not sure how though.

I think the Dog Pound analogy that ccumm36D brought up was the apt one. I saw her and I was like "oh my god, that poor girl" Add the sob stories and boy oh boy was I sucked in.

I am pretty naive to a degree with these kind of people. I have a tendency to feel very sorry for people, even though I went through many of the same things and was able to rise above it. I am not sure why. Maybe I feel an obligation to save these people because I rose above it? these kind of people tend to rub whatever I've managed in my face and act like I owe them something.

It's like they feel entitled to the help I give them, and like it's "okay" to take from me. I don't know why..

As for the knight in shining armour,...perhaps but without the romantic twist.. I tend to take on this big brother type of crap. I don't even know why. I usually don't initiate it, someone will come to me and I will feel bad for them and try to help.

Normally it becomes a healthy relationship. All of my women friends started out like that. I helped them through a bad time, and they treat me pretty well. Sometimes I get roped into their drama, but they are always grateful and always make sure I am taken care of.

I don't know. I have been looking at my own life and wondering why I do such things.

I guess I never really lived for myself. It was always for the Family and for my Dad. That's what my parents demanded of me.
I was always expected to give myself up for the "Mission" and not give a second thought about it.

We will see what happens.

I will definitely watch that movie. Thanks for your advice!

- Sam

ssr,

I guess I never really lived for myself. It was always for the Family and for my Dad. That's what my parents demanded of me.
I was always expected to give myself up for the "Mission" and not give a second thought about it.

That statement is interesting. That could be the root for your co-dependent behaviour. To be only for your family and your dad is not healthy for a child, you could call it "abuse". Don´t get me wrong, no offense here. My situation as a child was similar with a demanding father who wanted his sons to function for the mission "life". In my adult life I could see repeating patterns of me being "abused" in organizations, "giving me up" for the mission. This co-dependent personality also made me fall for a HPD woman. But the healing from this women and the relationship was the kick in the ass I needed, it was the first time I figured out those patterns. This healing brought a lot of insight and I feel better now than any time before this relationship.

For you better times lie ahead, your healing process started already when you decided to find answers to your questions. It´s good to discuss your problems on this forum, and healing will come with insight, reflexion and, of course, time. Btw, you have simply been manipulated into feeling guilty, HPDs are able to do that simply by their appearance, behaviour and by presenting their life as a drama in which they are the incapable victim.

all the best

eWriter,
I don't think it was abusive per se. My father was in an impossible situation. He knew there was no one to handle things, and hence I had to be successful no questions asked. He suffered terribly at the hands of his employers, his disease and his family. No one really gave a damn about him except for me and my mother. They only used him for money.

I don't think I missed on a lot. I can't say I am unhappy with the things I have in life. At this point in my life I guess I feel very very tired, like I've lived far beyond my 25 yrs.

I think I really need to re-evaluate the crowd I hang around with. I seem to be surrounded by dysfunctional people and perhaps that is my fault.

I was always too busy with the family stuff to really get out there and seek "Normal" people. My women friends tell me I am too innocent and despite my smarts easy target for a manipulative scheming type. Before I met this HPD I just never even thought such a person existed.

As far as this HPD stuff...

I guess I am just as angry as the other HPD victims here. Part of me wants justice like many here. I could easily get her into all sorts of trouble, knowing the things I know about her. She would suffer a ton of embarrassment and probably legal trouble.

She knows I am the type to get even, hence she seemed to be a little meek when she sensed I was getting very angry with her antics. Even that last email was tame by her standards.

It's almost too easy, but I feel like that would be beating up a 5 yr old kid. Sure the kid is dysfunctional and stupid, but still a kid nonetheless.

I am trying real hard to just forgive her, release the anger and move forward. A part of me just want to just wish her well and get on with it.

I can't seem to decide which is better, forgiveness or retribution. I guess I can't get my head around the purpose of this all. All of my relationships have had a point, a underlying purpose. It's isn't so obvious here. Not socializing with a stripper is something I knew beforehand.

All of my relationships are usually pretty stable and drama free. This one is just seems to pointless.

Thanks for listening,
Sam