Feeling Bad about Walking Away from HPD

Hi Everyone,
Thank you all for your posts in my "Seemingly HPD Friend" thread.
I know I sound stupid, but I am starting to feel really bad about walking away.

Her birthday is coming up, and I will feel like a jerk if I don't email her. She is 6 months pregnant and in a tough situation so I guess I feel bad. Is that what she wants me to feel?

I have been reading other threads here, and from what I understand, HPDs love being pursued and love to push people away to start the chase all over again.

In her last email to me she said that she didn't have the energy for the ups and downs of the friendship and that she couldn't do the things I needed her to do (Like living up to her word, basic respect lol) in order for ME to be happy with the friendship.

She also added that she was glad I emailed her and unlike me she'd never block her email or do anything like that. I am confused because if she really didn't want to talk to me anymore, why say this? Why even reply to my email? So bizarre.

I am starting to wonder if I am the one with the problem and if she is right. I know that it isn't true, but she blames me for everything. Nothing is ever her fault, so maybe I am starting to doubt myself.

I replied to that email and she as usual ignores it. I just said for her to do what she wants. She is incredibly passive and I guess it's manipulative. She always wanted me to do everything, she wants to be doted on.

Sorry I sound like a headcase. This forum is quite helpful. I suffer from Nice Guy Syndrome and I don't like being mean to people, especially when they are in a bad way which makes it hard. If she were in a good state I wouldn't feel any remorse.

Even though she's an HPD I feel like she is a person too and should be treated with some basic dignity.

Sam

Oh Sam,

That trap is oh so familiar to me and most of us here! What you have to remember is that setting appropriate boundaries is both dignified and respectful to both you and your HPD. You must remember that she is also an adult, and is capable of taking care of her own needs without you rescuing her. Treating her otherwise is not respectful, and putting yourself in harm's way again (emotionally) is not respectful of yourself.

My suggestion is that you maintain your distance while wishing her well. Don't fall for her need to be taken care of; take care of yourself, and allow her the opportunity to take care of herself.

Hi Roni,
Thanks for the advice. I just feel bad. My HPD friend is just a mess, more of the passive aggressive type. She won't "Ask" for anything. she will just sulk knowing that it works wonders on me.

I can't bring myself to be mad at her. I know she has a problem. I've had a lot of experience with mental illness in my family, so I don't hold too much of a grudge.

I don't want to rescue her, because she is the only one who can do that. I am a firm believer in Robert Kennedy's philosophy "Offer a Hand UP not a hand OUT"

I just feel sorry for her. I promised her I would never walk away because she seemed so desperately afraid of that, and I feel like I did just that.

I think my desire to wish her on her birthday is pretty much doing what you said, wishing her well but from a distance.

I echo what Roni has said.

Think about how the relationship makes you feel, good and bad. Your ultimate responsibility is to yourself. Wanting to take care of someone is an admirable quality but it shouldn't be at the detriment to your own welfare.

I'm also in absolute agreement with what Roni said.

It may help you to remember that the person you care for may not be the person she actually is.

As long as you know the level of appreciation, value, reciprocation that it will create and can live with it... it's okay in my eyes.

I have several BPD's, HPD's & NPD's in my life. Some have been cut out forever, some are in my life daily, some get to hang around (with strings & boundaries attached) & some are on the way out.

As long as I maintain realistic expectations, am respectful to myself & the person & the transactions support my personal checklist for "good decisions & what's a priority to me" I accept that I have some issues & attract others with clinical issues.

Easier said than done, but I have been successful in my approach so far. Am I the master of identifying my personal strengths & weeknesses, others motives & core values? Have i perfected the art of setting and maintaining boundaries? Am I playing with loaded guns & walking thru mine fields?

Not sure, time will tell:)

I hope everyone in here is in or considering therapy. My opinion, but i would have to think each of us either has an issue ourselves that is clinical or close (OCD, co dependence etc.) or has suffered so much hurt, anger & depression (PTSD) from cluster b's that we need help getting back to a comfortable place in life.

I don't post often, but i do read the board a lot. Dealing with issues via communication & education can be very helpful. My heart goes out to anyone who has been victimized by a person who is stricken with a PD that can be so hurtful and draining.

Here's what i live by:

Know your limitations, respect yourself & the boundaries that you need, work on finding your "happy buttons" that are real, long lasting & healthy & focus on where you can develop them & share with others who follow the same suit.

Focus on the future, all that is positive, accept minor set backs & thank God for every day & future day we have on this earth.

Hi All,
Thank you for all your posts. I will just keep a safe distance and my door open to her, of course with reasonable limits. I really don't wish her ill, but at the same time I don't respect her as a person at all. Everyone has problems, and those who are successful deal with them.

My late father used to say that "There is no substitute for hard work" This HPD friend of mine just wants to take the easy way out in life. So hence it's no surprise she has serious financial, emotional, marital and family problems.

I don't really expect much from her. I only wish to keep contact because I made a promise not to walk away. Unlike her I keep my promises.

This is my first experience with someone like this. Most of my friends are pretty typical. As I mentioned in my "Seemingly HPD Friend" thread this was an unusual relationship from the beginning.

I don't think I was victimized by her. To do that, I would have had to get romantically and physically involved, which I never did.

Sure she did waste some of my money, but then again I also spent it. She was a puzzle that I wanted to figure out. I learned alot from it.

I don't think it's fair to call her a "bad person" but I think it is fair to call her selfish and pretty much screwed up.

I would disagree that all of us need therapy or should consider it. I think all of us post here because we are trying to find answers to bizarre behavior.

Some of us have been hurt more than others, but I think being angry is a normal emotion and talking things out on a message board of peers is a healthy thing to do.

Reading this thread I don't know whether to laugh or cry...

SS, you've got some pretty serious defense mechanisms in play here.

Gotta ask, you do have a life of your own, right?

If not, sounds like 'not' to me, then get one!

She's married (to another guy, not you),

she's knocked up (by another guy, not you),

she's living with (another guy, not you).

Get the jist here? NOT YOU!

You're an enabler, a tool!

It's okay to drop her like a bad habit and with prejudice. She will replace you tomorrow, not think twice about it and forget your name by the end of next week.

ccumm36D,
Thanks for your email.

Oh I know all the things you are saying. I do have a life of my own, if anything this girl was like a garage project for me to get away from all the stuff I have to do. I know it was a bad idea.

I don't "Want" her like that at all. We were never romantic. Believe me, I know what she is. She was someone I enjoyed talking to, and like most HPD's she was a ton of fun to hang around. We were just dysfunctional friends. We shared a ton of personal information so I guess in many ways that makes me feel bad.

I appreciate your straight talk. Call me dumb, call me naive, but I don't get any of this. Remember you guys are probably way smarter than me on this sort of thing.

I have never met anyone like this before, so this is all new to me.

Nothing makes sense.

In her last email, I get the usual drama, but she says she doesn't have the energy for the ups and downs, can't do what I need to be happy blah blah blah.

At the same time she says she's glad I was in touch and says unlike me she won't block her email.

That sounded like someone trying to keep their options open to me. On one hand "I" am the problem, but she will keep her door open if she needs more supply.

ccumm36D wrote:Reading this thread I don't know whether to laugh or cry...

SS, you've got some pretty serious defense mechanisms in play here.

Gotta ask, you do have a life of your own, right?

If not, sounds like 'not' to me, then get one!

She's married (to another guy, not you),

she's knocked up (by another guy, not you),

she's living with (another guy, not you).

Get the jist here? NOT YOU!

You're an enabler, a tool!

It's okay to drop her like a bad habit and with prejudice. She will replace you tomorrow, not think twice about it and forget your name by the end of next week.

SS,

I sent no email. I merely posted to this board. I never suggested that you "wanted" her "like that" or in one way or another.

Garage projects don't make people feel bad. They don't confuse people either. She is NOT a garage project!

You are trying desperately to believe the things she is telling you are the truth. You want badly to believe some of it, the good stuff, and the bad stuff... not so much.

She is the only one allowed to do that in her world. HELLO?!

Smarts have nothing to do with it... experience. You want to learn from those that know. Those that have been there and done that, right? That's why you're here, right?

So, listen up. She is not your friend. You are hers. This will never change in a continued relationship.

Cluster B's are like animals in the pound. They look so unhappy, unloved and uncared for in their cages. But you can't save all of them. Maybe you could save just one...

With love and optimism you take one home and the mongrel won't do anything but eat and sleep and make land mines in the backyard...

You wonder, "where's the gratitude for saving this mutts life"?

The dog doesn't think like you do.

Neither does she.