Desperately need advice

Hi there,
I'm new to this site but i'm so glad i came across it. I have a friend of about 5 years that i believe has HPD. I have recently broken off the friendship because of the way i was feeling but i am unsure if i have done the right thing.
Some background on the situation: my friend is a compulsive cheater and has had numerous affairs and flings while being married for the past 3 years. She has no guilt about it! She was even seeing someone around the time of the wedding. Basically, when one wears out, she moves on to another and she usually needs at least two guys (in addition to her unaware husband) in her life at any one time. Anyway, as her friend, i was always honest with her that i thought she was doing the wrong thing and that she should be honest with her hubby or at least let him off the hook. She made out that she felt bad about hurting him but then just continued to gloat about more and more men over the years. Her selfishness and self-centred world view is one of the most frustrating things i have come across. As a friend, i tried to get thru to her on many occasions but she jus saw me as jealous of her fabulous life and jealous of all the men that want her. This is honestly not true. Although i have been married for 18 years, and it can be a little monotonous after a while, i would not want her life for all the money in the world. I despise the deception and dishonesty that is required for that kind of life. Anyway, the big thing that drove me away from the relationship was that I could never get a word in edgewise. In all the years i have known her, we have only ever talked about her life. If i ever started to talk about something else, she would quickly cut me off and strike up a new topic about something else she is doing. Its always something exciting and interesting which seems to overshadow anything that i might want to talk about.
I have no doubt that she fits the criteria for HPD and i haven't even mentioned the majority of things she does that fit the disorder, like thinking that almost every person she has just met is an intimate and close personal friend. So i guess my experience is different to some in that my friend is not usually depressed and down and requiring attention from that perspective (although this was the case when i first met her but i told her that it was draining me). Little things like not acknowledging when i bought a new car or got approved for a loan for extending the house (things i was excited about) or the fact that i am doing a degree, these are what have made me end the friendship. I realised all this because she just bought a new car last week and just started a new course and i showed the usual excitement and encouragement that i would for anybody. It was this that made me realise that it just doesn't go both ways and i cant tell you how depleted i feel. I better stop cause i could go on forever. Basically, i wrote her an email and told her how i felt but now i wonder if i should have handled it differently. any advice would be appreciated.

First off, she bangs for self esteem. You have plenty, that is why you tolerated her for twenty years. She takes esteem from you every time you talk with her. I would ask yourself, why does it bother you now. Something must be happening in your life. Your self esteem may be taking a larger than normal hit now. You have less to give to her now.

Ask more questions if this was to hard to follow.

Cutting off a so called friend when they have nothing to offer you is never wrong.

Thanks Dan,

I do realise that she does it to constantly feed her endless self-esteem pit. And actually we've only been friends for a bit under 5 years, not 20. But it has bothered me all along. I have actually discussed it in detail with her once before and she just drifted off from me for a while but then we eventually fell back into our old patterns again. I think that i remained friends with her for so long because i was trying to learn to be less judgemental of others. I have been accused of having high ideals in my life and of judging others as beneath me (which i dont think is true, although i do see why those with lower ideals would feel that way) so i think i was trying to overcome that. You are right about something changing in my life though. I needed a friend on Saturday and i called to ask her over for a coffee and a chat cause i was feeling low. She said she would come over in an hour or so but i never heard back from her. Now i dont ask for help very often and i dont often reach out to people so it took a lot for me to say directly that i was feeling low and needed a friend. Usually, people come to me for advice and i am always willing to help. But i have realised of late that too many of my relationships are one sided. I have drifted off from a few other people over the past year or two that seem to take more than give. But this is by far the worst example. I think that everybody takes more than they can give at different times in their lives but when it doesn't seem to even out, thats when it becomes a problem. I suppose i do have less to give now because i feel worn down. Just for clarification; i am a female and my friend is a female. I have been married for 18 years but friends with her for only about 5 years. I wonder if there is ever any hope for a healthy relationship with a HPD?

most people here will tell you that friendship with a HPD is a one sided affair, and doomed to failure. In the past I've had disagreements with that line of thought, depending upon what you need out of the friendship.

But you've clearly put forward what you are looking for in a friendship, and that is reciprocity. You won't get it with a person with HPD or strong traits, and yes, your soon to be ex-friend fits the bill.

Briefly, sad as what it may be, cut your losses. This woman will be incapable of offering you empathy, or much else. Just stop seeing her. See if you can find another area to make some new friends, and leave her out of it.

good luck.

Thankyou Shivers. I have just re-acquainted myself with the characteristics of HPD courtesy of the main post on this forum. It was just what i needed to help process everything. And yes, i do need a little reciprocity. Not even all the time but at least every now and then. It is sad though, because i found my friend to be fun and interesting and she does have some good qualities in amongst the not so good. But thats life. Everything has a life span and i guess its time to move on. All the best.

upthewall,

You come across very grounded but just needing reassurance. You are dead on target in your thinking. People like to keep us guessing, do your best and kick some butt.

upthewall,
You sound a lot like me. Most of my friends always come to me for advice and routinely accuse me of having high ideals/standards.

But there is nothing wrong with standards, and you sound like someone who lives up to them.

I documented by own bizarre experience in my seemingly HPD friend thread. It just seems that a lot of people will take advantage if you let them. It's up to us to stand up for ourselves and no matter how bad we feel for the friend, to know when we need to cut our losses.

Life is too short for friends who take more than they give. I have learned a lot from posters such as Shivers who encouraged me to put my own needs first!

At the end of the day, we have to live for ourselves and look out for our best interest, because no one else will. It sounds like your friends are a lot like mine: They take more than they give.

Of course this is all easier said than done. Like most posters here, I struggle with completely cutting off my seemingly HPD friend. It depends on the situation and how deep your friendship was. You will certainly do the right thing, so don't feel guilty or bad about it.

Sam