Help with Seemingly HPD Person

Hi All,
This is a crazy story I am about to relate but after seeing this website it makes a great deal more sense.

I was never involved with my HPD romantically. In fact the way we met was an accident completely.

My friend had gotten himself in trouble at a gentlemen's club and as usual called on me to bail him out. (That's another story entirely)

So I went there to bail him out and was surprised to see my to be HPD friend sitting there (she was a massage girl for their vip room), she didn't fit in at all with that kind of place. She does exhibit the usual traits of HPD seeking attention from men sexually, selfish insecure, and needy but not grossly so.

We got to talking, and she seemed really sweet and seemed to want to open up to me. It was obvious she'd been hurt, but I knew she was hiding a ton of things. She didn't encourage me to do anything and in fact said "This is no place for you, people ruin their lives here"

I bade her farewell and she said, "Gee I guess I'll never see you again."

Ok, I was dumb and I felt bad for her. I didn't say a word, she gave me a hug and left.

So like any gullible sap I went back the following week. We had another great conversation, and get this , she refused to take money and gave me her email address instead.

So this is how the drama started. She would get mad at me if I didn't email or keep my distance. She has a lot of problems in her life, but she was always vague. Everything was a big secret. To be honest I didn't blame her at all considering I was a stranger.

I will give her this: She is fundamentally honest and knows right and wrong. She is attention seeking, manipulative to a degree, but honest about herself and others. She is selfish, but seeing how her life is, I can't blame her.


Fast forward 6 months. I've been there a few times by now. She never asks for money and will refuse it but she gets into trouble right in front of me. I start giving her money whenever I see her, now every few months.

She refuses to see me outside that place, but gives me her email. The attention seeking traits now start. If I don't come and see her every 2 months or so, she'll disappear from the face of the earth ,and will send these dramatic emails saying how she doesn't deserve a friend like me and "can't" be my friend and hopes I understand.

I would grow accustomed to these sort of emails, it was her way of saying "come and see me"

Through email and phone she is always the victim. She is incredibly self destructive and horrendous with money. She admits it is a waste, but it makes her feel good. She runs away from all problems, and can't bear people being angry with her. She is incredibly moody and needy.

She tried to be provocative with me initially and I shut her down. I didn't like her for looks, I thought she was a nice girl. Being a Gentleman's Club she was dressed scantily, but I never paid any attention to that. Once or twice she'd try and jump and dance, but I'd warn her that wasn't the reason I came there.

I didn't mind seeing her, but I hated paying money to see her. It got quite expensive and I would be furious. She was apologetic and in her own way would do things to minimize the cost, even to the point of offering her own money to help.

She knew I was mad about it and would get very upset. Then she would lash out and blame me and claim it wasn't her doing, that she couldn't see me.

She is a nice person, but she's been hurt. A few months later she admits she's a single mother, and gives me this look like she expected me to bolt. I gave her a hug instead. She promises things will change between us and we'd meet like normal friends.

It never happens. I call her on it via email and get nothing. I get really mad and send an angry email saying "What the hell!"
She is silent and I go to that club in anger. She is a queen of sulking and pouting.

She says at first quite smirky, "I really have nothing to say" I get up to leave, and as always she'll grab my arm and say "don't go!" She then realizes how angry I am and looks at me like a child all hurt, "You look like you want to yell at me!"


She tells me she changed her mind. I tell her she's full of it. She tries to make it up to me by giving me her phone number. She is fine when I'm mad at her via email, but in person she can't stand it.
I leave angry at her and just avoid her for two months.

She sends a few emails apologizing.

She ends up marrying the dude last year. I read about it in the paper and went to go to the club to visit her.

She was shocked that I congratulated her and said she married because she was out of options. I guess in her own way she believes she's unloveable.

She sent me an email thanking me and gave me her phone number at this point. We talked and I thought things would be fine.

But then two months had passed and I get another dramatic email two days before my birthday saying she couldn't be the friend I deserved and I should walk away.

I was stunned and really upset. I went to that club and got really mad at her. She seemed so fragile, and so needy. She settled down and made it a point to call me on my birthday.

I was pissed because at that point the club management was getting really nasty with her, and I felt obligated to pay. I knew she was there for her kid partially (She doesn't have a great education, and she buried herself in debt, and her hubby was unemployed) but it was getting very expensive.

Two more months pass, same pattern. This time I get seriously pissed and ask her what the hell is going on. First she lashes out, and then she calms down and explains how abusive her husband is, and how he would hurt her if he knew she was talking to another man. From then on she opens up, she'd been abused sexually when she was 10, and her now husband treats her like crap.

I try to understand it, but I don't get the whole 2 months drama pattern.

One month passes and she emails me all freaked out asking for my help with a resume. I gladly help her, but she refuses to tell me what is going on. She sounds so panicked and scared.

During this time my father was dying of cancer and she was aware of it. I never asked her for much, but what she did was like pulling a fire alarm and not explaining why you pulled it.

Three weeks later she says she's pregnant again and is leaving the club. She and I talk on the phone and we have a normal discussion.
She complains alot about money and whatever.

I was under a ton of stress at the time, and the last visit at that club was really expensive, so I was upset with her. She lashes out and blames me for everything and I get so mad that I send her an email that I just find her very selfish, (She always says "i don't want to feel bad' and villainises me when I get annoyed.) and that I don't think this friendship is going to work. I tell her I think I had the right to expect a mutual friendship because I have problems too. I call her on her attention seeking and how I care but I don't have the energy for it anymore.

I was legitimately mad about paying to see my friend and even paying her. She was always underhanded about that, withholding contact unless I came to see her. She'd be fine and then start up again. In her emails she's the victim, she never took my advice about saving money and now she's in deep trouble. Yet she never learns..It is so frustrating. She seems to want a Daddy, not a friend.

My father passes away a month later, and I am starting to feel really guilty about walking away from her. I email her to let her know what happened, but I get this bitchy email back blaming me for walking away and just ranting. She says she just "can't reciprocate the things I need to make me happy with the friendship"

It's all about her, yet she can't see why a "friend" would be pissed about visiting a friend at a club and paying a ton of $$$ to do so.

I do care for her, but I am just beyond myself with how to deal with it. All the things she'd told me about herself (job, kid, husband, where she lives, etc) are all true, I've been able to verify it.

I'd like to believe she's a good person, but one who just suppresses her pain and just wants to use others for attention.

What do I do?

Thanks
Sam

Hey Sam, well, as much as I hate to say it, I think that this girl loves adventure, being given attention, controlling, and money. She takes advantage of your caring attitude by manipulating you and walking all over you. She tells you things dramatically because she knows that you are intrigued by drama, I am too. I am a performer, so this makes sense.

Therefore, I think that you will have to decide whether you enjoy the drama enough to spend money enough to have it, or perhaps you can go to a few movies, stick a pair of 3D shades on, and save some money.

She thrives on control, and it doesn't seem that you mind. In fact, I would dare to say that you feel very alive right now, though frustrated. Also, your sense of reality and "emotional barometer" are the only things that let you know that this may be wrong. So, you can continue, or cut her off, which will probably be tough seeing that she loves her control of you.

My thoughts.

Hi,
I don't think it's money. Keep in mind this girl worked at a strip club and did not take money for several visits to the point her management yelled at her in front of me. She even offered her money to help pay last time and even brought something she cooked to give to me at that place. It is insane I know.

Her and I have a ton in common in terms of bad things that happened, so I am indeed intrigued by her. I feel sorry for her. She can be incredibly thoughtful, I mean who kind of dancer refuses money and gets into trouble when they need money?

She no longer works there, as she is pregnant with her second kid. She and I have just exchanged an email after my dad's passing. Money is out of the equation now.

My interest in her was as a puzzle. I dont feel alive with her, but she is fascinating as a puzzle. In our final visit she confessed to being molested and the final piece was there.

I do care for her, and I genuinely feel guilty I walked away when she was having a bad time.

After I sent that email, she never contacted me. She never contacts me after I get angry and tell her to go away. She will sulk and be hurt.

It's always me who feels guilty and will go check on her. I think she knows I will do this, but even if I don't in her world she expects that anyway.

She's a good person, but a very flawed one.

As you separate from her, you can focus on investing in yourself and healing. It is good that you are away from her as the puzzle seemed to thwart your own sense of peace.

It certainly WAS disruptive.

I don't get her. Money talks in this world and she lost that by talking to me. Even when I did pay her, it was considerably less than what she would get with others. She never asked for it, and would be ashamed when I did give her money.

She is incapable of making decisions, she needs someone to do that. Simple tasks take her far too long to complete because she continually second guesses herself to no end. She has no self worth at all. She believes she deserves to be treated bad.

She never pushed this friendship on me, in fact she was passive. She'll sulk if you walk away be angry when you come back and then apologize for causing trouble.

The only frustrating thing was the 2 month attention seeking cycle. Getting her to explain things was like pulling teeth. She would disclose things, only after she saw me getting very annoyed.

I think she knew those emails made me angry, angry enough to come there and get mad. I realize it was all just her way of getting me to see her.

I am not angry with her and she didn't hurt me. She did frustrate me to no end.

I am fascinated by complex problems, it's what I do for a living.

To honest, I see alot of myself in her. I am not self destructive, but similar experiences and pain are there. So I feel a lot of empathy for her, something I rarely do for anyone.

Who knows? I think for me the best thing is to keep her at arms length. I feel far too guilty just pushing her away.

Hey again ssr, I think we each have a lesson to learn from the people we meet in life.

...I was fascinated by the story too. I have my own history with an HPD relationship - which I won't get into - but a lot of chords sound familiar here.

Just my hunch, but be prepared for about half of what she's told you to end up a lie or a few shades away from reality. The whole 'I'm not good enough to be your friend' thing is the same thing I used to hear. It's classic reverse psychology along the lines of complaining 'I'm fat' only to goad you into protesting.

If I were you I'd probably walk. She's married now - with kids. You probably feel like she needs you and you can help - but it's likely she's bending the ears of a few others and your advice will never be heeded.

A true friendship doesn't feel like you're being manipulated within it. I don't see that you have anything to gain and a lot to lose here.

ssr360 wrote:It certainly WAS disruptive.

Hey guy, look, I even registered on this site since your story made so much fun for me. Boy, do I feel much better now The reason for it is to see that there are so many more idiots out there (who also happen to think themselves to be cream of the world, he-he).

Well, let me be honest with you. Forget all this psycho bla-bla-talk. In simple yet powerful words: you are a fool who got invovled with a whore.

She is using you like many other guys too (try to find out how many, he-he). In fact, that's the only way she knows how to make a living. You feel sorry for her but she does not feel sorry for anybody, in fact, she feels nothing for anybody except her who she deeply, deeply loves. When next time she tries to pull her trick with offering money TO you, (try to) accept it, he-he - you'll be pleasantly surprised.

What a sick, sick, sick country this is! And these mad men and women try to teach the whole world!

Hi Ted,
In this girl's case I've had everything checked that she tells me. It checks out.

She genuinely believes she doesn't deserve to be happy. Her reality is that she makes it a self fulfilling prophecy. Her friends tire of her. Her husband is a real piece of work.

She was fine after the marriage, she just married her kid's dad, out of neediness or some misguided loyalty to her kid. As I predicted once he married her, he just became more controlling and overbearing.

I never wanted anything more than an email/phone type relationship anyway. I wanted to keep far far away from some crazed jealous husband.

She just wants attention. That is what this is about.

I can't help her. She has to help herself. She's too stupid to take my advice out of false pride. She doesn't respect herself and until she learns to do that, there is nothing I can do.

The good thing here is that I see her for the flawed person she is. I just feel sorry for her and that's my problem. I see alot of myself in her, but I had the work ethic and good parents to make sure that didn't happen to me.

- Sam

Vald,
You missed one important point. Whores take money all the time, every time. No sane girl in that business would refuse money.

She didn't take money for a long time, when she easily could have done so. She always handed the money back to me.

Money talks in this world. What kind of person refuses to take money and get in trouble for it? This was a one day a week gig for her, she had a real job as well.

Out of false loyalty or stupidity I started to give money a few times, and even then a lot less than the going rate. She easily could have made more, being that she was a VIP room girl. I saw how much demand there was for her, and that's why the club would get pissed when I would show up.

Money talks man. I know the business. No one gives up money for anything in this world.

You can call her many things, but she definitely wasn't that. A whore will be a whore 100% of the time, not 25%.

-Sam

Vald wrote:

ssr360 wrote:It certainly WAS disruptive.

Hey guy, look, I even registered on this site since your story made so much fun for me. Boy, do I feel much better now The reason for it is to see that there are so many more idiots out there (who also happen to think themselves to be cream of the world, he-he).

Well, let me be honest with you. Forget all this psycho bla-bla-talk. In simple yet powerful words: you are a fool who got invovled with a whore.

She is using you like many other guys too (try to find out how many, he-he). In fact, that's the only way she knows how to make a living. You feel sorry for her but she does not feel sorry for anybody, in fact, she feels nothing for anybody except her who she deeply, deeply loves. When next time she tries to pull her trick with offering money TO you, (try to) accept it, he-he - you'll be pleasantly surprised.

What a sick, sick, sick country this is! And these mad men and women try to teach the whole world!