HPD or not: you be the judge

Please tell us why you think she is or isn't HPD and if not, what you think is going on with her.

Reasons I think she may be HPD:

-When she was single and guys would hit on her, if she was not interested she would say she is busy this week (even though she was never busy) but free next week, and ended up saying she was busy when next week came around. She would do that until they left her alone. She says she did not want to hurt their feelings. It was different for me though so she may be telling the truth, because I did not get the busy this week crap from her, we went out without a problem, no hard to get stuff.

-When one of her male friends of 5 years who she knows likes her (but has no chance with her)asked her if we were dating, because he saw the comments I would leave on her myspace and probably her realtionship status, she said "yes, he is my friend", even though we where a couple. To be fair, her myspace status did say in a relationship and she told me it wasn't like she was trying to hide since it said in a relationship and in fact even before any of this happened she would tell me she wished he would look at her status on there and figure out she is taken and leave her alone. He asked her why she didn't tell him and she said she didn't tell anyone but her parents yet. This was after four months of dating each other and two months as a couple. She says she didn't want to hurt his feelings.

-In general, she was annoyed by above friend. In 5 years they hung out twice, once went to church function seperately as friends years before she met me. Then, the first week of our rel. she went to see a movie with him, in seperate cars and after the movie they each went their seperate ways. When she got home she told her parents she was never doing that again because she felt guilty (parents confirmed this). In any case she lied to cover it all up because a couple weeks later just by chance I mentioned to her that I would dump a girl for going to the movies with another guy. For months I thought she went to see the movie with her dad, but later found out otherwise when I got her email password from her. On the plus side, after that movie, she never hung out with him again, when he asked her out everyweek, she would just say she is busy when she wasn't busy at ALL, even before I found out about any of this stuff.

-Twice in a year together, she seemed insincere when crying to try to avoid breaking up. No tears, and voice/body language where incongruent. But most of the time (we fight a lot) she seemed sincere).

-She used to talk about her exes a lot. Nothing good to say about them, in fact all about how they were too nice or too this, but still talking about them in front of me.

-She has a depresed guy on myspace who had been a friend of hers in cyberspace for a couple years, but never met in person (another guy who has no chance with her so no worries there). After some problems in our relationship with other guys, she offered to end male friendships but a month later broke down and started emailing him again because he is one of her best friends...even though they never met in person.

-She talks somewhat loudly at church and the movies.

-There was another guy on myspace who had been after her for several months when she was single and she used the same excuse she used for guys she was not interested in "I'm busy" when she wasn't busy at ALL. We met and became a couple but this guy never looked at her profile to see if her status changed. He kept hitting on her. She would still say she is busy instead of I have a bf. Eventually she told him about me next time he asked her out (this was months before I got her password, so she could have hidden our relationship but she didn't). because I had chewed her out for not telling her male friend. He said he would go away but she encouraged him to stay friends because as christians they need to stick together. They kept talking. One day he told her he was mad she never gave him a chance but did me, and she replied back she never wanted a bf and couldn't stand me at first and most the bf's she had she left because they pressured her for sex even though she told them no sex before marriage because of her religious beliefs. At the end she added she was not sure how much longer we would be together, and was waiting for an answer from God. Again, this was a guyg she had blown off for nearly a year most of which she was single.

-She has a bad memory

-Talks A LOT

-Has a great, funny personality, but not life of the party.

- She is bleach blond over her natural blond hair because she says it is the color all the guys go for and notice first, pick first for a gf, etc.

-She is a very good dancer and used to go out dancing all the time when she was 19, but she only liked to dance by herself and have others watch her awesome moves which she spent a lot of time perfecting.

-She does have indigestion and acid reflux; says it is from all the damage she did to herself from years of being (sp) Balemic in HS and being a former vegetarian.


Reason I don't think she is HPD:

-Online test shows she and I have have the same risk of having HPD, 54% for me and 58% for her, and it was one of our lowest scores, we scored higher in almost every other category.

-She is not that concerned about her appearance, dresses nice but not seductive or provocative. She usually doesn't wear make up to work (dead there anyway) and is not a mirror hog, takes her mayve 15 minutes to get ready if that. Often when she spends the night she will sleep in the same clothes and wear them the next day, wrinkled and without a shower (this girl is a 9 by the way). She works out a couple times a week and is usually careful about what she eats, but is not averse to going to Jack in the Box with me. She is like the girl next door type.

-She was date raped when 19 and shortly thereafter slept with her next bf after he pressured her for sex for a few weeks. She gave in but left him days later out of shame and guilt, she wanted to wait until married but the date rape kinda took that away and she felt like it didn't matter anymore and was afraid he would leave her so she did it. I hear a lot of rape victims sleep with someone soon after as a way of taking back control "I'm sleeping with him because I want to". In any case she said she did not want to but did it for him so he wouldn't leave her (but she left all other bf's instead of sleepign with them when they pressured her. In any case she has morals, and has abstained for six years since then.

-She dumped all but one of her 10 boyfriends who dumped her instead. She dumped guys because they pressured her for sex she said. She had 8 boyfrineds from 16-19, and after the rape situation, she only dated three people from the age of 19 to 24 including me, even though she was a 9.5. She was ugly in middle school but started working out to make herself HOT in 10th grade.

-She doesn't seem to be uncomfortable not being the center of attention.

-She is a loner by choice, and only leaves her house for work or going to the store to get food and stuff.

- I told her I think she is Bipolar. She started taking tests online and researching stuff and came back and said she may be borderline or histronic. My understanding is that a true histrionic would never do something like that.

- I posted a detailed story about our problems on here and most people, almost all, say she is immature but not histrionic.

-She never dumps me, I dump her constantly.

-She wanted to wait until marriage to have sex but slept with me to keep me after 9 months of being together because I was leaving/left due to some of the trust issues in our relationship.

-She puts up with a lot of crap from me. To be honest she should have left me long ago. What I do to her is as bad if not worse.

-Not violent at all

-Does not give gifts, unless its a birthday or christmas, and for my firtst b day I had to tell her to get me one.

-Not spendy, doesn't spend much money and is not materialistic, has never asked to borrow money or to buy her anything.

Have you checked out Narcissism ?

In any event it sounds like you need to find someone who is in love with you.......

It's always dangerous to hook up with a girl who may be just
stringing you along.....

Wisernow wrote:Have you checked out Narcissism ?

In any event it sounds like you need to find someone who is in love with you.......

It's always dangerous to hook up with a girl who may be just
stringing you along.....

OK, you don't think she is HPD. most people don't seem to think so either but the little bit I have read on NPD isn't really matching for me.

I think she is in love with me. After having abstained for 6 years after making love to only one guy 2 times, she slept with me multiple times to get me back. She did things she had never done before and it was all hard for her. I doubt she doesn't love me, but that doesn't equate to trust.

BlackBeltJo wrote:I am now going to use Lynn's words

"Crikeys!!!!!"

Holy Cow, HPDwary! If you have to go over and over and over this like this...you do not love her. And honestly, i am fearing more for YOUR sanity than hers.

Are you driving HER nuts lately?

Are you driving yourself nuts?

Has it been a short drive?....

Yikes...! Trying to see if someone is safe is one thing...but you don't trust YOU.

I am now happy to say that i now know and understand that if i don't trust myself, i have NO business trusting anyone else.

Yeah I have been driving her up the wall lately.

I do believe I have PPD and ASPD as well, if not some other things...

HPDwary wrote:[I do believe I have PPD and ASPD as well, if not some other things...

Oh, you're likely to get on quite well with Kane then. YOu can tell each other what you've got. He's good at that...

shivers wrote:

HPDwary wrote:[I do believe I have PPD and ASPD as well, if not some other things...

Oh, you're likely to get on quite well with Kane then. YOu can tell each other what you've got. He's good at that...

I'm afraid you suffer from IDS, ETP, and the QZX3.7 disorders. Perhaps you should seek help from a mental health professional. Oh, and you might also be suffering from ABC and XYZ disorders, too.

shivers wrote:

HPDwary wrote:[I do believe I have PPD and ASPD as well, if not some other things...

Oh, you're likely to get on quite well with Kane then. YOu can tell each other what you've got. He's good at that...

If I went into great detail of my symptoms, you and any other MHP would certainly conclude I am severely emotionally dysregulated. I am seeing a psychiatrist for this contemporarily.

I do not personally think we are here to judge you or your GF. As a few here already stated either you accept for who she is or move on. You have to realize you can not change personality of an individual.
Based on what you said about your GF, I see very little or if any of HPD traits in her. I do not see her as pathological liar, and promiscuous girl who has no empathy and is constantly seeking for any of man company.
My ex was promiscuous since high school basically all her life, that's what I found out during our relationship and I mistakenly thought she will settle down when with me. She told me she has more than one BF as a senior, and always ran into trouble with having sex just to get out of the situation she put yourself into by being very submissive and seductive . That trait was her companion for next 25 years, and as I see it now that it will be for the rest of her life. I did not even put too much weight to the fact that she abandon her two teenage kids and left them in hers ex-hubbies custody (thanks to God), the reason she defend her action was it’s my turn now to build my carrier, the true reason was another story. Once in a while she said I'm not good in long distance relationship and I am not sure if I can be in any serious relationship but I want to try hard, I have to help people, they need me, I was brought up to be nice to everybody, and I want everybody to like me and love me. It's like listening to15 y.o. teenager how she wants to live the life. Talking to her recently on the phone she finally admitted only she has boundary issues. I guess she somehow sensed there is something not right with her but she hardly openly admitted that she is doing anything wrong, that she is hurting people the way she is acting and treating them. She could not understand that she cannot show same feelings for the stranger that she does for me, she could not understand that by doing that she was hurting my feelings, but her response was ..”but the guy will be hurt if…” .
When you are in love, you are blind and live in denial; you see wrongdoing of your partner but you do not want to admit that she/he means it that way she/he does it. You rather create illusions and hang up on them than admitting she/he is not right for me. You try to change you partner no matter what and at the end you find yourself trapped in “Catch22”, beaten up, disappointed and devastated. I do not blame my exHPD for all what happened. I blame myself that I ignored all the red flags I saw hanging there on the side of the road in our relationship, and before. At the end of March this year it will be a year I left her, and can say I am not completely healed and back to normal. The hate mixed with regret, pity and nice moments of the former relationship are just there, and I am afraid they will be there for a long time. Professional life is ok, despite leaving the rollercoaster kind of life style behind me I succeeded in job competition in our organization and was promoted - heading “North”, so my work “kills all my time I have”

Wishing all the very best and very prosperous New Year to everyone here


walking

PS Not edited for spelling

Kane wrote:

shivers wrote:

HPDwary wrote:[I do believe I have PPD and ASPD as well, if not some other things...

Oh, you're likely to get on quite well with Kane then. YOu can tell each other what you've got. He's good at that...

If I went into great detail of my symptoms, you and any other MHP would certainly conclude I am severely emotionally dysregulated. I am seeing a psychiatrist for this contemporarily.

Dear Kane, please do not trouble yourself with a great detail of your symptoms. You come across with great clarity without it. I believe you, truly I do.

Ah, I didn't say it. There is no way in Hell this girl (labeled appropriately so) is HPD. You aren't ASPD or PPD either, just a fool diagnosing.